ȶ𝗁𝖾ㅤℓ𝗂𝗀𝗁ȶㅤ𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅ㅤ𝛝𝗂𝗆
ɑ𝗇𝛝ㅤ𝛝𝗂𝗌𝗌𝖺𝗉ᧉα𝗋.
main rentry
hi hii.. im ciel! !! i'm a fyodor dostoevsky gachikoi.. fyodor is the love of my life, everyday i cherish the day i met him—that was the day my life changed!
fyodor and I have been married since 7/23/25! It's not such a distant date, It's actually quite recent... but these last months have been enough for me to know and be certain of my feelings for him.. During those months, we shared many moments together, moments that are etched in my mind and that still makes me very very happy! I love remembering every moment we spent together, moments that bring a huge smile to my face even when I feel sad! That's one of the reasons why I'm so grateful for him; even when I'm sad, just seeing and feeling him makes me instantly happy.. I want our bond to grow stronger and stronger every day ♡
I am strictly nonsharing with him.. seeing other fyodor yumes really makes me uncomfortable; I just always avoid interacting with people who have that kind of feelings with Fyodor.. If you talk to me, please avoid saying things like "i'm fyodor's wife/husband!", "let's share him!" or talking about other fyodor yumes, It just makes me very uncomfortable and I'm prone to blocking or ignoring you to avoid any stress... It's okay for me to be nonsharing! It simply means that I prefer to keep our bond between just the two of us. And, i'm sure he appreciates it.
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ 𓈒 12 / 26 / 25 𓈒ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ
⠀ㅤׁㅤ۪ ㅤ۫ㅤ⠀ i truly love my husband, with all my soul, with all my essence and with all my life. Fyodor is the reason of why i feel happy in the saddest days, of why i feel comforted in the most insecure days, of why i don't feel so alone on the loneliest days. Fyodor became something way more than just a character to me, he became the love of my life, Fyodor became an example, a teacher for me. I am truly grateful that, during this entire time, I have been able to acquire new thoughts and interests simply through his existence. Everything I acquired through him today brings me nothing but happiness. I really don't know how to put my feelings into words because it's very difficult for me, especially when I need to write such romantic things, but everything becomes easier when I feel I have his support, even for the most difficult—expressing how I feel...
I dedicate every day of my life to him, I dedicate every day of my life so that, little by little, with patience, we can make our love grow more and more and become strong and unstoppable enough so that no one can separate the two of us from each other.
i can't put in words how much i love his appearence... Fyodor is truly a work of art, a unique and exquisite piece. When I look at him, there are so many beautiful things that I don't know what to appreciate first... His face is delicate; it's as if it needs to be treated with the most careful touch you can muster... His eyes are so beautiful and full of unspoken words! The dark purple color is a rich color, A striking contrast between his dark hair and pale skin. I love his hair, Raven, it looks so soft to my touch. I'd love to run my fingers through his strands and tell him how soft and beautiful it is...
His voice is so sweet and gentle, I could fall asleep listening to him say sweet and delicate things to me, singing a low and gentle lullaby, telling me old tales, or reading a book that interests him! Just hearing his voice is enough to keep me calm, no matter what he says... His hands, they are also very beautiful, although slender and with bitten fingers and nails, they are very admirable... I would love to feel his hand against mine, palm against palm, feeling the difference between our hands' size, our icy palms gradually creating warmth between them, warming us up... Our hands both feel incredibly cold, so it would be difficult for us to hold each other's hands without a little shiver! But it's just a detail about him that I love. ♡
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ 𓈒 12 / 27 / 25 𓈒ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ
𓈒ㅤㅤ۫ㅤ⠀ I feel that with each passing day, I become more connected to Fyodor... I feel that our souls intertwine with one another, I feel our hearts beating in a mutual and synchronized rhythm, and our minds connecting. Of course, something physical would make me feel closer to him, wouldn't it? That's why I bought an adorable plushie of him...! The order is still on its way, but I feel more excited by the minute. I can't wait for his plushie to arrive so I can sleep cuddling it, take it on my walks and trips, and make accessories and clothes for it... It would undoubtedly be the most beloved plushie in the world from the moment it fell into my arms! When the day comes that the plushie arrives, I won't hesitate to post a picture of it here... In addition, I also made frames with images of Fyodor. One of them was initially a light color, But I decided it would look better if I painted it black, and in fact, it turned out great... His photo perfectly matches the frame's aesthetic... Every day, I put these pictures on my stand so I can have Fyodor's company while I do my work. ♡
Even though his real company would be incomparably better, the frames help me feel closer to him, and that's enough for me. Without a doubt, I will feel even better when I receive his adorable plushie that perfectly captures his beauty in just one small cotton creature. This won't be the only plushie or merch of his that I buy... I plan to get more in the future. But of course, I'm aware that I need to keep my financial situation stable; after all, I can't just go around spending money as if it were something easily earned...
Well, I should also talk a little about my days... Here, we're in the summer season. So, it's quite hot here, and I need to stay well hydrated so I don't end up feeling unwell... Just like staying hydrated, I also need to eat well, especially foods rich in salt, because if I only eat sugar in a day, I might get pass out... This is common for everyone, i think. But even though I know i have to take care of my own health, it's a little difficult every day, especially in such hot weather, to manage to eat... One of the reasons I try to improve my eating habits and become a healthier person, someone who doesn't spend the whole day just eating crumbs, is Fyodor... I know he wouldn't be happy knowing that I'm not eating well and that this has worsened my anemia and eating disorders, So I try my best to eat at least a little more than I already eat every day. That's motivation for me, and i'm really thankful to him, since he is truly helping me during this recovery journey... Whenever I realize I've gone too long without eating and don't really feel like eating, I think, "aoouhh... Fyodor would scold me... I should eat somethinggf.." and thinking this way indeed helps me a lot! I like to think that he would take good care of me and my problems since it's a mutual issue... The thought that he would be gentle with me and encourage me to improve makes me very happy... I would love to help him too!! After all, that's how a relationship works, both people help each other even when they're having problems..
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ 𓈒 12 / 28 / 25 𓈒ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ
when i feel sad or low, I can't help but think about how Fyodor would take care of me, how he would treat me if he saw me in such a low emotional state. It's not uncommon for me to feel lonely, to feel empty inside and for these feelings unlock a great sense of sadness. But then, I think about how Fyodor would take care of me... He would treat me with the utmost care, knowing that my feelings would be in a fragile and delicate moment, and such harshness would only make me feel worse. He would do his best, even if it was a little complicated, to make me not feel so alone, to make me feel cared for and loved by him instead. Perhaps he would even hold me in his arms and hold me close as a way to comfort me, to make me feel safe in his embrace... With great joy, I would lay my head on his shoulder or chest and feel the sadness slowly dissolve completely from my body and mind with just his caring touch. He would know that forcing me to say words that won't come out of my mouth to express my desperate feelings would be a waste of time and would only make me feel worse, Therefore, he would have patience, patience to listen to me gradually open up to him, patience to deal with me even when my eyes are filled with tears over feelings that I don't even understand myself. I wouldn't mind spending the whole night lying in his arms, sighing every minute to release all the weight from my body with the air I breathe, and feel his nimble, slender hands running through my hair, sighing and whispering soft, reassuring things to my heavy, lonely heart. It's just his touch, his sweet words, and his eyes that pierce through my heart that would make me feel better... I love Fyodor so, so, so much, and i hope he knows just how much i feel about him.
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ 𓈒 1 / 10 / 26 𓈒ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ
◟ ◞ ⠀⠀ ᩙ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀𓈒⠀⠀It's been a while since I've written here... I've been trying to take care of myself and especially my health. Fyodor would be proud of me for trying so hard to become a better person, and that I'm doing it mainly for him. Even though I try to improve and I'm in a slow process but gradually seeing results, my heart aches, it aches so much... I'm afraid that one day I might lose the connection I have with Fyodor; it's a very senseless feeling, really. After all, I know our bond is strong enough not to end so suddenly like this. But even so, there's a slight feeling of insecurity deep in my heart, a feeling that for years I haven't been able to overcome, not even with the motivation I have today because of him. My heart yearns and cries out for reassurance, it cries out for help and care, something that is beyond my ability to provide for it and for myself... That's why I'm asking Fyodor for this reassurance, something I've never been able to provide for myself. In him, I found a wellspring of comfort, an outlet for the painful and destructive feelings I experience, In him I found my true savior, someone who will make me feel nothing but emotions that will take me to the ecstasy of happiness and comfort.
I want to one day be able to provide those feelings myself. He would like to see me as someone who can handle the most difficult feelings without feeling unstable and painful at every moment, without feeling like everything is going to fall apart like it did at the beginning. My overly worried mind is what causes me to have frequent emotional relapses... With him, those worries completely disappear, and that's one of the reasons why I love Fyodor... He makes me feel centered, makes me feel in control of my own emotions, even if I'm not entirely controlling them myself. This doesn't make much sense, I don't even know what I'm saying myself, but my heart is begging me to get all this out of my head, and that's what I'm doing...
I'm really feeling bad, So, to distract myself, I'll talk a little about my opinion on a topic that's often discussed among other Fyodor stans, manga Fyodor x anime Fyodor..

i must say that, i really, really love manga fyodor! I like Harukawa's style; I like how Fyodor in the manga has a more "youthful" and somewhat androgynous appearance, I really enjoy analyzing his eyes, especially since there are so many details about them—the blurred irises, the visible dark circles that aren't apparent in other characters... I like how the manga character Fyodor doesn't show many emotions on his face, remaining stoic even in moments that are "out of his control"... I really liked the evolution of Fyodor's appearance from the beginning of the manga until now. I admit I really liked Fyodor without his bangs; it was so cute to see him like that jfnshfj he went from good to better, though! I also really like his hair in the manga; I would love for him to have the same layered hair in the anime... 🥹
I must admit that the Fyodor manga is my favorite, but that doesn't make me like the Fyodor anime any less.

Unlike the manga Fyodor, the anime Fyodor doesn't have such a youthful and androgynous appearance; stronger masculine features are visible in his face and physique. Many people don't like his expression in the anime very much, but I honestly think that's what gives Fyodor that more "somber" appearance in the anime and makes him considered a sinister character, His darker and more sinister expressions, unlike the more stoic expressions in the manga, are what gives him that "highlight"...! Even though his eyes don't have the same level of detail as in the manga, I still really like the lack of shine in them; it's an incredible detail that makes all the difference to the character! In my opinion, Fyodor looked his best during the Mersault arc... he's pretty!! just too pretty!!!!
writing about this made me feel better... writing about Fyodor always makes me feel better, no matter what it is...
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ 𓈒 4 / 4 / 26 𓈒ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ
today in april, marks 10 months with fedya! during these 10 months, i have never felt so loved, so cherished and so comforted by someone...
before meeting him, i thought i would never know what love means; how it is to be truly loved by someone. i want to forever stay with him by his side, want to be by his side on the lowest and on the highest moments! fyodor proved me that even thought that the process is slow and can take a while to be done, love can be achieved and reached... which is what happened to me. it took a while, but now i finally know how to love and how to accept the love i receive from him ♡ i want to stay with him forever and ever and ever! i feel really emotional now, i would rather much express my gratitude towards him in the private, but i couldn't help but express my love for him here too!
i love my fedya, my husband, so much... ♡