A stroke of the fingers.

Slow clicking of keys.

You were typing something once more, on this slab that belongs to your...father? Mother? You don't remember, but you really weren't making any sense to yourself, now were you?

You consult the world within for at least a little inspiration.

It returns a black void. And the blue can of tuna in oil. Tourist's delight.

Grand, you were thinking of cats again. Where is your cat?

A door creaks open, solid steps on a floor, material you can't exactly make out.

"Oh dear, please tell me you are not doing it again..." A soft voice calls out. It was her again, and in an odd form-fitting nurse outfit as well.
She looks beautiful in it.

“Please tell me you weren’t up all night…” she whimpered as she rubbed her face.
She was not angry, disappointed. She cannot be angry with you, you know this.
But you were angry at yourself and you are very aware just how much of a problem that can be. You have a habit of suppression.

“I got some sleep, I know what I'm doing..." You mumble.

"You look awful..."

“I can clean up,” You had created a bit of a disaster area. It was fine. You don't feel as cold anymore, your bones don't feel like they're trying to practice social distancing anymore.
Your eyes could use a bit more work though.

“Why...? You were getting...anything is better than what you do to yourself...” Mari sighs and rubbing her head. You notice that she was holding a tray with warm food on it.

Mm...but...

“I-I don't get it...I'm not doing anything wrong to myself-?”

“You don’t want to 'get it'. You just keep...haaah...” She accused me.

“W-well…” You hesitated. “What should I be doing with my time?”

“Waste it,” she demanded. She steps closer, and lays a soft hand on your cheek. “You should be wasting it, rest. Please.”

“...It's really boring, Mari...”

“...do you not want to get better?” She asks with a small crack to her voice.

...

She sighs heavier this time, shuddering almost. Please don't cry.

She softly places the tray on your lap. The warmth feels uncomfortable.

"Just...eat. Please. Stop thinking so much, eat."

"...I think about not thinking all the time."

"...are you...? ...That's not funny."

"...It's a little funny." Your voice cracks into a soft rasp in the middle of your sentence. Blech. The water bottle placed next to a stack of neat folded clothes ought to fix it.

"It. Really. Isn't." She stresses out. You don't want to look at her face. You think you'll cry if you do.

"...ok" You inwardly still disagreed, it's a little funny to you.

If and when you killed yourself it wouldn't be her who will find your body. Could you imagine? Gods, you don't want her to see that, she has done so much for you.

But how long were you supposed to want to live?

How long could you live like this?

You were treatable. You were manageable. Curable is not a thing you are.

You feel a pair of arms wrap around your body. They were just as warm and loving as you can reasonably remember, beyond the wool and nylon you feel in your neck and eyes.

"Why did this have to happen?...What would I do without you...What am I going to do with you?"

"...let me cope? I'm coping, I think..." You point out. You most certainly...well. Not most certainly. But whatever you are doing seems to be helping.

Mari draws back a little and cups your cheek. She forces you to look her in the eye. They were moist, as if she had to witness you be ran over by a blue hatchback on a winter morning.

"I...I have an idea. D-do you remember the...Um. Last week. While I was helping you down the stairs...?"

You remember your knees shaking so much that you almost fell down those steps, yes.

Oh. No, wait. You have an idea of what exactly what she was referring to. Which makes this all the more confusing, you remember suggesting that to her. You remember just how much she cried then when you did.

You remember her telling that she'd do it with you too.

Surely she wouldn't...?

"W-we just have to wait for a bit...the equipment is all ready, I just need to make a quick trip, and well...we can...hahaha..."

You think you have broken her. Please no.

"T-tomorrow, okay? A-and, if you change your mind, that's okay too! It's..." Mari looks as if she was between the border of inner peace and utter sorrow.

"It won't hurt a bit, I promise. It's just a shot, and I'll take it too, right next to you..."

She presses her forehead against yours. She gives you a soft kiss on the lips.

She backs away. You miss her embrace already. You stare at her. You're not sure what expression is on your face, but she stares at it, and smiles as if she truly has found a meaning to life.

She wipes her eyes. She holds your hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.

"Steak and eggs, lunch. Your favorite, that's fine with you, right?" She smiles oh so beatifically at you.

You truly do love her.

And she loves you.

"Mmm." You nod. You were certain there is a small smile on your face. You're certain she sees that too, when her expression lights up. Your smiles were rare, and if you were more cliche and egocentric, you would say she lives for it.

She runs a hand across your hair, and finally walks away with a pep in her step.

Tomorrow then.

Breathe in, breathe out.

It wasn't going to hurt. She was going to do it with you.

You should be sad. Horrible. Guilty.

But the thought of dying with the one you love beside you was almost enough to drown it all out.

You aren't sure what you are feeling exactly, but you know you can't rest now.

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Pub: 17 Dec 2021 13:24 UTC
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