Aaahaa -- Do the fictional characters we create have a life beyond our own as their authors?
"Then it's resolved, the Aaahaa Public Schools will institute a Special Education Class on the subject of human sexuality for all persons who have attained senior status and are over the age of 18 when said class begins."
"And students who wish to opt out of this class can do so without penalty."
"Of course, Gladys, we just agreed to that."
"And we're going to use the book: 'Just lay there and think about Baseball or the Grocery List.'
"Yes, yes, Henry, we know. Your brother publishes it."
"He only mentioned that twenty times."
"A fresh copy, Steve."
"Yes, we'll buy a brand new edition every year."
"And teachers are forbidden to use the words: 'sex,' ' intercourse,' 'relations,' 'masturbation,' 'insects,' 'homosexual,' and 'different.'
"Now wait just a darn minute, Lenora, we didn't agree to banning the word 'different.'"
"Yes we did, Peter. HJP, I should have known somebody with a name like yours would be a pervert."
"My parents named me Peter for Peter Graham Saltpeter. He's in 'The Book of Origins.' There ain't nothing suggestive about my name. It's all you other perverts who have perverted it.
"Now, now, do we have to fight? Can't we all just get along and move on to the next item of business so we can go home?'
"No, Steve, we need a resolution on this issue right now. We've already agreed that impressionable children should not be exposed to the words 'homosexual,' 'insects,' and, well, you know the rest."
"But, we've also agreed that you can only give the class to 18-year-olds."
"What's your point?"
"Well they're not children anymore when they're 18."
"They are children so long as they are younger than me."
"We have discussed this, Bob, the State of Feral says that they are adults, and it places limits on the restrictions we may impose on 18-year-old seniors."
"Well I don't accept that decision, and I won't abide by it."
"Bob, we, all of us here, are members of the local government of Aaahaa, which is a subdivision of Feral."
"What's your point, Steve."
"Bob, you derive your authority to sit on this board and make decisions about Aaahaa Public Schools from the State of Feral. If you decide they have no authority to make decisions, then neither do you."
"Steve, I don't agree with that position either."
"We can't tell them what to think?"
"No, Joe, the students are still under our care until they graduate. We just have to be a little subtle about it."
"I have a question."
"Why can't the teachers say 'insects'?"
"We covered this already. Gladys doesn't want 'dudes who don't act like they are dudes' discussed, and Barry is disgusted by discussions of 'family stuff,' and since neither could actually bring themselves to say those words we all agreed that 'insects' would cover both issues.
"But those are three different words with wildly different meanings."
"Well, it ... You aren't even ..."
"'It ... even,' what, Larry?"
"It ain't right to tell kids about being a pervert, they might up and decide to become one."
"That's right, Gladys."
"So, if we allow teachers to use the word 'different' in the context of a sex-ed class--"
A round of giggles ensued.
"Gladys, she said the 'S'-word," they taunted, "she said the 'S'-word, she said the 'S'-word."
"Joe, you just said: 'masturbation,' 'homosexual,' and 'insects,' what are you complaining about?"
"I only said them 'cuz we're not letting the teachers say 'em. But we gotta say what it is we aren't going to let them say or else I'll say it 'cuz I don't even know they ain't supposed to say it neither."
"Very well put, Joe, very well put."
"Now if we let teachers go and say the word 'different' people will get the idea. So, even though we banned the actual words so we gotta ban the 'code words' too."
"In the whole school or just this one class?"
"Better make it the whole school just to be sure."
"You know, Joe, the word 'different' gets used in math classes sometimes, and in biology class."
"Well, maybe we should take a closer look at those classes. Maybe we should get rid of them if they're just going to teach another generation to be perverts. Like it says in 'The Book of Origins'--"
"You know, Bob, everybody doesn't take 'The Book of Origins' literally, some people think it's allegorical."
"Allegory, not alligator, Bob. It means using a story to make a point. You know, euphemisms and such."
"Well, that's just confusing. We should just come out and say whatever we're going to say."
"HJP, Bob you're ... You are the biggest one here telling us we can't say what it is that we want to say."
"Don't you go and use the name of The Author in vain. Herbert J Pinochet created the world and you should just be happy to live in it."
"You know, Bob, there are people who think the world was created before 1632."
"Blasphemers and perverts."
"Bob, if the world was literally created in 1632. Why does the calendar start at 1632?"
"Well I think that's pretty obvious: 32 is twice sixteen."
"But Bob, 50 is twice 25."
"You heretic, 16 can further be reduced to eight, and then four, two and one."
"See, two become one and they have four which is--"
"People, people, the Aaahaa School Board has already resolved that we are teaching the children that Herbert J. Pinochet created the world we live in back in 1632--"
"The whole world not just--"
"That issue is not up for debate at this meeting. Move on."
"Now we have, I think we have, exhausted this whole sex-ed issue. What's the next item on the agenda?"
"Driver's education, Steve."
"Alright ... So, we've had a motion put forward on behalf of a group of concerned parents that we permit persons younger than 18 years of age to take the driver's education class."
"I don't even think that kids should learn to drive in school. I think that is something that parents should choose whether they want to teach their children to know or not."
"Yes, Joe, you brought this point up two years ago when we last debated this issue."
"I mean if Herbert J. Pinochet wanted people to drive, he would have got them born with drivers licenses already."
"And he would have made cars a lot easier to figure out."
"Joe, there were no cars in 1632."
"Then we don't need them now."
"Bob, just 'cuz you don't know how to drive."
"It's not that I don't know how to drive. It is that I choose not to drive. Driving is for miscreants and perverts."
"Just 'cuz you don't like it, Bob, doesn't make it wrong."
"It is too wrong, it says so right in 'The Book of Origins."
"There were no cars ... Bob, why don't you show me exactly where in that book it says that we can't drive."
"Well, it's in there somewhere."
"Would you care to point out the exact passage?"
"Heck, there are exactly 1632 pages in 'The Book of Origins.' We don't have time for that. This is a school board meeting, not Origins study. I'll be happy to show you where it is at some later time."
"Would you care to tell me at what date and time you'd like to point out that passage in the book. The one that says Herbert J. Pinochet didn't want us to drive?"
"I think you're using The Author's name in vain."
"Bob, do you even know what that means?"
"You're using Herbert J. Pinochet's name to mock him and his good works."
"I just mentioned this name, Joe. I didn't say anything about him. I made no judgments."
"But you are non-believer, so whenever you mention his name you are mocking him."
"Okay, Joe, just so that I understand it's not what I'm saying, but it's who I am."
"Wow, you finally got something through that thick skull of yours."
"Okay, okay everybody ... Let's move on to driver's ed."
"I don't think we should change .I think 18 is good age to start teaching people how to drive."
"Gladys, the office at the high school gives out parking permits to students who have driver's licenses."
"Yeah, well I don't think the office should do that neither."
"Well, Gladys, there's a little problem with that. In that the state issues Feral Driver Licenses to people who are 16 years of age and pass the driving test."
"Sixteen is way too early to be driving, I didn't drive till I was 19."
"Yes, Gladys, we all understand your position on this. But for whatever reason the Feral Department of Transportation does issue driver licenses to 16 year olds and there are a group of parents who believe that since their children have licenses and are driving cars that maybe we should even start at 15 teaching them how to do so safely. And while they want the insurance discount, they would rather not do it themselves."
"I didn't have no driver's license when I was 16 And I don't see any reason why they should either."
"Yes Bob but you don't even drive a car."
"I've driven the car in the past and I didn't like it."
"Have you ever owned a car, Bob?"
"No, it's disgusting to drive your own car. I drove my aunt's car and my mom's, but that was disgusting too, and I stopped."
"How many times have you driven a car, Bob?"
"Once, twice, in fifty years?"
"Look, back when I was 18 I drove my aunt's car. Then I drove my mom's car. I told the guys at school. My mom and aunt got really mad at me because I didn't have a licence and I wasn't supposed to tell anyone. So they were afraid that because 'I was a big dummy and told a bunch of people, the Sheriff would be watching us.' After that they wouldn't let me drive their cars anymore."
"Wouldn't let you?''
"I didn't want to."
"Wow, Bob, I never knew that about you. I guess that whole incident must have really hurt."
"I don't need your mambo-jumbo psycho-babble, Gary. I've tried driving, I did it enough times to know that I didn't like it. So I don't care if my mom and aunt let the other guys on the team drive their cars after me. It wasn't any fun driving 'em anyway.'
"Okay, thanks for sharing ... Bob ... Here's the thing, we've got some parents we are going to have to give an answer to. A thoughtful answer unlike most of the proclamations that are made around here. Because they want to get auto insurance discounts and are likely to talk about our response. If it's full of grammatical and spelling errors like most of the crap we create, everybody's just going to laugh at us."
"I don't care if people laugh at me."
"Yeah Bob, that's pretty apparent. And just so you know, they all do laugh at you."
"Yes, well, Steve, at least I'm not a pervert."
"What's your definition of pervert? Maybe: anybody that doesn't agree with Bob?"
"No, my definition of a pervert is anybody who doesn't follow the Holy guidance of Herbert J. Pinochet."
"As interpreted by you, Bob?"
"That's right, or anybody else that agrees with me."