mintjulia's Iteration

A wonderfully bleak (yet secretly hopeful) meditation on fatalism, free will, the point of human existence. Loved the intuitive mystic knowledge of photons, that despite no hard scientific proofs we believe in the cyclic determinism because the narrator does. Shades of a sadder Borges. A great metaphor for depression. You say "There was another girl at the beach ..."; does that imply our narrator is a girl too? Maybe gender is irrelevant, but as soon as I thought this (perhaps mistakenly) it did change the character dynamic, and put me in mind of that BEE short where a girl with cancer is sunbathing on a sunless beach, or the beautiful destructive finale of Melancholia. A lovely moment of hope at the end, like the cynic still wowed by fireworks displays, that affirms hope in spite of all contrary evidence. Like a strain of optimistic nihilism conjured through pure sense experience. Good shit, keep on writing.

Beineberg's Five Steps

Very nice exploration of the paradox of creation and stagnancy, the artistic life vs. social, the obsessive striving for greatness at the cost of all else. Straightforward, almost blank style helps capture the mundaneness and daily grind of the mc's marathon and their steady withdrawal punctuated with minor improvements and regressions until the shift at the end, the promise of the art gallery outing becoming ashes in their mouth by their own thinking, their 'victorious' retreat to the safety of routine. Great stuff, and raises (pretty masterfully imo) questions re the cost and purpose of artistic endeavour without committing to for or against. Can feel the narrator's exhaustion and glimmers of subdued manic success, very well executed. A part of me wants to see precisely what it is they're drawing -- is it just iterations of his/her mother's portrait? something else? -- but then I guess the universal symbolism of the artist's struggle might be diluted. Counter: sometimes the specific idiosyncratic (see Pickman's Model, or that minor scumbag character in IJ who always needs to know exact time and cardinal orientation) can work better than the purposely vague universal, and still retain the uni-symbolism in spite of its specificity. So I guess I do and I don't want to see just what the mc is creating, which reinforces the do/don't aspect of their own struggle. So either way, very well done dude, keep on writing. (But take breaks to go outside sometimes and mack on art gallery chicks.)

ineptia's Quota

Absolutely wild, off the chain inventive and warped. Sugarly cheery, coating an absurdist darkness. Shades of Men, Moon, The Lottery, George Saunders. Particularly enjoyed the dialogue replete with sentence restarts and wholesome reassurances, as well as the frenetic 'imnotgonnaexplainshitsobestkeepupson' plunge into the story which persists until the exposition reveal towards the end. Always fun to read a puzzle piece that demands a little thought to decode as you go, and I admire the trust you place in the reader to go with you. But what does the flower mean? Feels significant, but I can't quite piece it into the larger story. Still, very impressive imagination, and cartoonish (in a good way) anarchism and soul. Great work, keep on writing.

I need a name's Deathrun

Good pulpy short, feels like a manga or comic novelized. Snappy dialogue with the right mix of quipping and grandstanding. The disorientation of sound, vision and movement in Rowan's sudden death is particularly effective, as is Ezra's slow readjustment and galvanizing to revive his dead friend. The worm in his eye is interesting and I'd like to see more explained through the story, as well as why/how Rowan and Ezra are friends. At the moment this story feels only like a stub of a much grander work, something in the vein of The Running Man or Battle Royale, but even as a teaser there's the beginnings of an interesting world, a likable mc, and enough intrigue to warrant more exploration. Good work, man, keep on writing and let's see if you can't exploit the story's potential and crank out a more fully realised grindhouse slice of ultraviolence.

VampDaddy's Chains of Strength

Great reduction to the bare essentials of the prompt, and, like others' submissions, works well as pure metaphor. Like Sisyphus, or All Hope is Lost in its simplicity. Nice sensory detail in the chaffing cuffs, the cold steel, etc. and the sliver of light as curse and hope at once. His amnesia, as well as the prisoner forging his strength through himself, what few resources are available to him, underline the fable quality even more so. Great payoff in the splash of ultraviolence and the prisoner's victory over himself, his captor and his situation, again echoing the subtext of overcoming depression/hardship, etc. I know this was kind of a throwaway for you, but it's very impressive you managed to pump this out in such a short time frame. So well done, keep on writing.

watson's The Visitor

Excellent control and an assured, confident voice. No fuss, no fireworks, just the simple unfurling of a short, sad story. The young man is both fugitive and prisoner, and his jaundiced take on human resilience is convincing, persuasive. Like mintjulia's mc, some momentary solace found in the simple touch of sunlight, but here it is not grounding, instead heartbreaking that someone so broken can only find relief in warmth and flowers. One tiny quibble: I would ask for a little more pronoun clarity at the very beginning: the first few sentences could be misconstrued as the young man's (offscreen) wife disliking him, perhaps because he gorges alone in restaurants. Of course this misreading is soon corrected once we have our bearings with Sylivia, and Emilio as our lens, but any momentary disorientation could be nipped in the bud by replacing the 2nd sentence with something like "Emilio's wife, Sylvia, greatly disliked this young man." That might feel a little too expository, but forgivable in these introductions. Regardless, still a very fine piece of work and an obvious contender for best in thread. Incredible, effortless work, my dear watson, please keep on writing.

more feedback on others later ___

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Pub: 05 Mar 2025 17:24 UTC

Edit: 05 Mar 2025 17:27 UTC

Views: 96