Be the Girl
Best Friend - Before, he was kinda just one of the boys, you know? It didn't really seem like I valued him more than the others, but I guess when the chips were down it became clear that he was my best friend.
Wardrobe - I mean, I just don't want to wear any of that girly shit. That would be like accepting this illness.
Proper Name - It's MY name, I'm not going to change it just because I got a disease.
Unrestrained - Basically the worst part of the new outfits, but holy hell I didn't expect skipping out on one to be this uncomfortable.
Bros - I've known these guys for a long time, which is why it's actually fucking annoying how weird they're being about it when things shouldn't have changed. But I guess they need to adjust to it like I do.
Leisure Time - If you call me a gamer girl I will punch you.
Clueless - All this bullshit takes too much time anyway, I don't want to be some prissy bitch. I'll just keep doing things like I was doing before.
Denial - Nothing has changed, not really. Not fundamentally. Everything they want me to do is telling me to change, or 'adapt'. It's not that I don't know what my body is like now, but I'm still the same.
Emotional - I was already a bit of a crybaby at times so this is pretty bad and embarrassing, but I just can't help it.
Jealous - This is just me being uncomfortable with people taking up my best friend's time. Like yeah I'm being needy I guess, but just like in the platonic way where I need a lot of help with this condition fucking everything up.
Scent - Gross. I'm fucking gross. I think this girl thing is just making me really like his deodorant or something though, right? They formulate those to attract girls, right? It's my shitty body betraying me again.
Social - Yeah it's not him specifically, it's just that he's the only one who's being normal about it and it sucks to be alone with my thoughts. Nobody else works because they all act weird around me now.
Self Conscious - It's just... I look some kind of abandoned waif when I look in the mirror like this. It's not that I want to look 'pretty', but it's uncomfortable resembling an orphan or mental patient.
Attention - This is just the disease fucking with my brain, of course, nothing real. That's why it's a hard balance between not wanting to look completely hopeless but not wanting to trigger this either.
Idealised - He's just a pretty cool guy, always there for me, treats me like he used to, always ready to help. He's great, and I wish I had known how much more reliable he was than the others before.
Safety - First of all, fuck this condition for ruining my sexuality. Second, this is totally just some crossed wires from all the insecurity I've felt around my situation since waking up.
Romance - Okay I admit, I had a soft spot for romance before this. Those damn girl chemicals really, really cranked it up though and made it all topsy-turvy, ruining everything.
Desire - I mean okay, yeah, this one is a bit shameful but I guess everyone likes to be wanted, yeah? I just wish I didn't want to be wanted by guys now...
Motherhood - 100% definitely the girl chemicals fucking with my head and not any innate or natural desire at all.
Control - I always liked yanderes, it's a weird feeling almost wanting to be one now. Charitably I think of this as wanting some control back after a lot it has been taken from me.
Him - Okay, this is fucked up. He's just my best friend. Turning all the help he's given me around into a crush is just inappropriate and is like a betrayal, right? Plus, he still sees me as a guy.
Bad Timing - The absolute worst. I hate this shit, it hurts, it's disgusting, I almost looked like a freebleeder in from of EVERYONE. This is the worst thing about WUAAGS after being into him.
Overpowered - Damn girl brain doesn't even let me roughouse without making it weird. The worst part is that I couldn't get the scenario out of my head that night...
Warmth - Okay, that smell thing isn't going away, and it's not his deoderant. Fuck. I tried wearing one of my old hoodies too and it just wasn't the same, only his are really comfy. Fuck.
Misunderstood - Why didn't he say anything? The bastard! I felt like I was going to die. Now people are going to go around thinking we're dating and my heart just won't stop doing flips.
Baby - This isn't so bad, is it? Cute things are cute, it makes everyone happy if I help with the kids, and buying some plushies isn't the end of the world. It's only wanting to have my own that makes it weird.
Touch - It's just making everything worse, I don't know if this is girl brain changing how I interact with people or the damn crush making me act out but now we really look like a couple.
Saviour - I mean, I think I karmically deserve this a little for how I acted in the past sometimes. But when he came and saved me he was just like a knight in one of my stories and now these feelings are stronger again.
Pretty - Alright, I admit, I do like being called pretty now. Him doing it is a real mind screw though. Honestly it's like he's trying to make me like him, or are boys really all this clueless? Was I?
Close - Fuck fuck fuck. It was an accident, or just happenstance, but this is so embarrassing. Though maybe he doesn't get it. Worst thing is I haven't slept this well since I woke up with this disease.
Excluded - What the fuck, you assholes? After everything we've been through, you're just going to kick me out like this because I've got some illness I can't help? Absolute pieces of shit, I knew he was the only real friend I had.
Dress Up - It's just a little curiosity, yeah. I have all these clothes people gave me and I can at least SEE how I look in them, nobody has to know but me.
Research - It's just interesting, and I'm a little bored. Who doesn't go down a rabbit hole watching videos sometimes? But that creeping thought that maybe he'll call me pretty again...
Cute - Losing control like this sucks, him seeing me act like a total girl is even worse. What if he starts treating me different? After everyone else dropped me I don't think I'd be able to take it.
Invitation - It feels kinda weird at first blending into a group of girls, but after my old 'friends' excluded me like that, I needed new people to hang out with. It's not SO bad really.
Makeup - I'm not doing myself up like some whore. After researching skincare I couldn't stop thinking about how much better I'd look with some moisturizer and it spiraled from there. Just a little color or style, nothing fancy.
Wardrobe - I did look great in those clothes. Better than in shitty teenage boy clothes. No I'm not prancing around in pastel pinks but I've just accepted I need to wear properly fitted clothes. And a fucking bra.
Styled - My hair is really, really nice. I couldn't stop thinking it was such a waste to let it go to complete shit, and before I knew it styling just became fun to do on its own.
Hair - Smooth is much better (and some part of me thinks he'd like it too, gross.) Starting to think about just getting laser though, to skip the time.
Nailed - Once again I'm not going crazy with this. Just couldn't stand uneven and chipped nails anymore. Filing, clipping, polishing, it's amazing how much just a little bit of work can do.
Friends - What started as a group I was using to cope with losing my old friends ended up becoming an even tighter friend group in the end. I still don't line up with them perfectly (you COULD call me a tomboy) and they don't stack up to HIM, but they're great and help me feel like I belong.
Acceptance - I'm a girl. It's a fact, and I've kinda gotten used to it. Am I happier like this, would I go back anymore? I don't know for sure, but I do know I'd hesitate if shown a way, and that changes a lot.
Name - Part me feeling weird seeing it next to my new face and part feeling a bit gross when I heard him calling me by it now. Still feels a bit of a betrayal, though.
Content - I look nice, I feel nice. I've gotten used to it and integrated this as who I am. Maybe that's a loss, but I don't really feel any stress about this being my future anymore. The only thing that DOES stress me out is, well...
Avatar - I don't have much social media, but I do play some online games, and it's more about relaxing over it. Not trying to actively hide what I am now, you know? Maybe letting myself indulge in some girlier cosmetics or something when I wasn't playing a girl already.
Romance - Some of my new friends are total femgooners and rec me the sickest shit. I can't say I'm into the darker stuff but it's nice to have all this new material to look at. I can still enjoy some of what I used to like, like those female protag CG collector style games, but a good romance just hits different.
Support - This is how I'd try to be. I want to be happy for him, not presume I have some claim if I was never gonna act on it, and most importantly see him happy.
Rage - But it quickly devolves into this. I can't take it, he's MINE. How dare he be everything to me this past year then run off with another girl? I shouldn't be this way but I can't help it.
Flee - Once the anger gets too much I don't lash out at him, I run back home. I fall on my bed and just cry and cry, like some pitiful teenage girl. My chest hurts and it feels like I'm going to die, I had no idea it could hurt this much just for him to be with someone else.
You Confess - I simply can't hold it in anymore when I see him next. He needs to know everything, no matter how gross or wrong he thinks it is for me to be in love with him, or to turn his care for his friend into romance. If it feels like dying to see him with another woman then he at least needs to know what he's doing to me.
He Confesses - The fact that he didn't hate me for it made me feel a lot better. When he confessed he felt the same way, it was something else entirely. Like all that weight, all that sorrow, all that hesitation and awkwardness I felt over this past year fled away when I was in his arms. I am happier like this, yes, why would I ever want to go back?