⠀♡⠀
ུ༘⊹⠀⠀⠀『⠀❛愛している𓈒⠀⠀◞⠀⠀独り泣き喚いて𓈒❜⠀』⠀⠀⠀°‿⋆
。
⊹˖⠀⠀⠀Main⠀⠀◞⠀⠀Extended⠀⠀◞⠀⠀Directory⠀⠀⠀⑅˚
₊
⠀♡⠀
⠀꒰⠀⠀2025-08-04⠀⠀꒱⠀⠀⠀━━━⠀⠀⋆˚
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ིྀ࿑⠀⠀⠀song⠀⠀of⠀⠀the⠀⠀week⠀⠀⨾⠀⠀sweet⠀⠀⠀𝄞
ིྀᯃᯃ⠀⠀⠀quote⠀⠀of⠀⠀the⠀⠀week⠀⠀⨾
- "Crawl inside this body - find me where I am most ruined, love me there."
⠀My⠀Week
- This week was lovely. I spent more time talking to a boy I find sweet, gentle, and cute. He's so caring, and I find speaking to him interesting. He makes me feel warm and affectionate. I can't even remember the negative stuff that happened to me lately. Maybe it's because I'm dissociating, but I really can't recall my week as vividly as I did before, just chunks, then the rest is foggy. I can't remember.
- Anyways, the good thing is that I feel comforted by this boy, and I want to learn more about him and let our relationship grow. I don't wanna rush into anything, but he's tempting. I keep craving him in every way possible. He'd taste as sweet as his adorable personality is.
- Ah, I recall speaking to a specific person again after a month of no contact. It was alright, I suppose. Nothing deep to say...
- My memories are chaotic. I can't remember when something happened. I can't remember why things happened. I can't remember the order of scenarios the way I used to. Probably dissociating hard again... The sequence is so blurry. I only remember specific parts, not the whole.
- I do remember going to the mall on Wednesday. I ate chicken nuggets and iced coffee, as well as fries three times this week. Because I repeat the same things I order, it's out of habit. I ate ice cream at DQ. I didn’t like the texture. Ah, what else... I tried this new mango shake in our school. It was tasty. Again, I didn’t like the texture. I went to Mass the same day. I was next to Jeica. That was comforting. I also remember seeing Kerry much more this week. What I don't like about her personality is that she’s quite the liar. I won’t elaborate. Honestly, my sister, though annoying sometimes, is very humorous. I enjoy speaking to her because she's the person who I'm most comfortable with.
- I genuinely didn't expect that I'd get closer to my crush this week. He's genuinely the most beautiful and cute boy ever... I wanna kiss him now. I need to. I need to bite him. Well that's a bit wild, cuddling and hand holding is okay too.
- Yeah, I didn't expect this side of me to come out this week, but I just want to be his.
⠀Simple⠀Joy
- Dude, I was so surprised the iced coffee in McDonald's was so delicious. Bought chips yesterday, I missed it, I haven't eaten it in years.
- My crush compliented me about how he loves to listen to me talk about my favorite animes. He kept saying sweet things. Kya!
- I'm so curious, how does my classmate manage to smell like cotton candy? The weather is confusing, it's so hot in the morning but I need to use the blanket at night.
- My crush's cat is so cute. I wish I was the cat instead so I could be with him. Kidding.
- I really liked seeing love letters and flowers.
- I just love wearing shorts and skirts to show off my legs/thighs.
⠀Creations
- I drew something in my classmate's notes but I can't take a picture of it. I really liked it though.
- I enjoyed speaking to my crush because he somehow brings out a side of me who speaks non-stop without fear of judgment. We spoke for hours...
- I'll probably make a new playlist soon about my crush. I genuinely like this guy.
- Pretty sure Damien made his own diary and he edited our Pinterest account.
⠀Mindset
- I've been thinking about loving people who love me back instead of those who don't match my intensity.
- It felt heavy to do things that feel like a burden: homework, deadlines, checking messages when you're tired, waiting, and having to face my fears and reality. What felt freeing was talking to someone who cared and reassures me, to sleep, to relax, to enjoy my free time, to love.
⠀People⠀and⠀Moments
- Luke, Radge, Kerry, and my sister comforted me the most this week. I was most comfortable with them to be honest.
- It was draining to be with my TLE groupmates. No, I'm not drawing a fucking logo for free. Plus why are they asking for so much? You draw it, for fuck's sake.
- So, surprisingly I had to play a game in our classroom, and I was behind some guy I disliked. We had to draw shapes on their backs and they guessed what it was and drew it on paper. It was interesting, he was cooperative. I didn't really like him, it felt weird having to touch his back because I had to make sure the shapes were correct. For me, it felt weirdly intimate. I don't know. Not in a romantic way, but in a way that it feels wrong or unusual.
- I keep replaying my conversations with my crush. It's rare for me to find someone who has a similar mindset. Plus, I like it when he's vulnerable and we can learn more things about each other.
- Megan's hugs were actually really comforting, as well as Kerry's. Me and my sister rarely hug but she did do it to comfort me when our cat died.
⠀Looking⠀Forward⠀to
- Next week I want to spend my money on something for my cat, make or buy a gift for someone special, study, and relax.
- I wanna avoid dissociating and staying up late.
I want to do what makes me happy, simple as that.
⠀Final
- To my past self, you'll meet someone special very soon — it's gonna be alright.
- To my future self, I'm proud of you, no matter what.
- Till next week. ♡
⠀꒰⠀⠀2025-07-27⠀⠀꒱⠀⠀⠀━━━⠀⠀⋆˚
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ིྀ࿑⠀⠀⠀song⠀⠀of⠀⠀the⠀⠀week⠀⠀⨾⠀⠀you⠀⠀love⠀⠀me⠀⠀⠀𝄞
ིྀᯃᯃ⠀⠀⠀quote⠀⠀of⠀⠀the⠀⠀week⠀⠀⨾⠀⠀Matthew⠀⠀5:4⠀⠀⠀♡
- My week was devastating. When you died yesterday, Yellow, my sweet boy. A part of me died with you too. I was starting to think that it would have been the best week this month so far. School was suspended for 10 days, I was relaxing at home. I watched Netflix, made a review about KDH. I bought my sister a sweater, and I bought myself that cat PFP decor in Discord. I even bought candy for myself and did my homework on time. And yesterday in the morning when I woke up, I was so excited 'cause I would go to Robinson and SM malls. I ate ramen, onigiri, and tempura, even drank some Coke. I thought to myself, "This feels like a last meal, I have an intuition," but... I didn't mean it to be that way.
- Me and my sister went to the mall together. We walked around and window-shopped in Miniso, and I even bought a sketchbook and some highlighters. I took pictures of random BL mangas I found in the bookstore. Then we went to order donuts, as well as caramel coffee. I thought to myself, "This is the best week I've had so far." Not until I saw you under that chair, so sick. I thought you were recovering from your limp, but you were there, drooling excessively. I cried a lot, prayed. I love you so much and I miss you. If I could, I would have done anything to save you, but it was too late. You were dying.
- So I sat next to you and spoke for hours, till the sky went black. I think I went through all five stages of grief today. It still hurts so much. I remember everything, how weak you were, the scent of everything was like Dewberry, how your fur felt, full of drool, how the damp towel felt when I wiped the drool off you, and the dampness of your fur. How you were too weak to even meow back at me. How your big yellow-black eyes looked at me. How you nuzzled your head into my hands when I pet you. How you used your strength to crawl towards me in your last hours. How you laid your head on my feet. The cold floor. I still feel the itchiness of the last scratch you gave me, i hope it never leaves. The sight of your dead open eyes. How you were breathing slowly. The twitching during your last moments. How you bit the air. Your last reflexes when you were unconscious. The time on the clock when you died, 9:51 p.m. The blue sky turning pitch black. The way I'd speak gently to you for hours, talking about the good moments, your favorite things, telling you how much I loved you. I remember it all, and that love will never fade. I remember covering your body with a shirt. The last time I saw you was when I closed the door, my sweetness.
- I miss you so much, and this is the hardest I've cried this year. I took a shower, wrapped myself up in a blanket, and went to sleep. I told my friends about it and they offered kind words, but nothing comforted me, other than a Bible verse about grief... I guess they tried, but honey, nothing could cure this pain.
- I made you a playlist, you know. I even wrote you a letter, three, four, I don't know. I love you. I miss you, more than anything. You're my best friend, always. I'll always love you for the rest of my life... Yellowfinn.
- I know I keep repeating this again and again, but you were always there for me. You never judged me, even during the darkest times of my life. And no words can express just how much you mean to me. Until we meet again, sweetness.
- I love you.
⠀꒰⠀⠀2025-07-19⠀⠀꒱⠀⠀⠀━━━⠀⠀⋆˚
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ིྀ࿑⠀⠀⠀song⠀⠀of⠀⠀the⠀⠀week⠀⠀⨾⠀⠀back⠀⠀to⠀⠀me⠀⠀⠀𝄞
ིྀᯃᯃ⠀⠀⠀quote⠀⠀of⠀⠀the⠀⠀week⠀⠀⨾
the⠀⠀universe⠀⠀is⠀⠀on⠀⠀my⠀⠀side⠀⠀⠀♡
⠀Accomplishments
- My friend and I drew a poster for our classroom's anti-bullying campaign, really proud of how it turned out!
- I was the endorser for our group performance task, we got a perfect 20/20!
- I’ve only been getting 1 or 2 questions wrong in my summative assessments.
- My reading skills have improved thanks to our English lessons.
- I’m more interested in literature and writing now.
- I’ve improved in math, it’s actually fun when you listen and try your best!
- My entrepreneurial skills are growing; our TLE lessons made me reflect on my strengths and weaknesses for future businesses.
- I was genuinely excited for our computer lesson, our teacher made it really interesting.
⠀Habits & Routines
- I’ve been working on my sleep and finally found a schedule that suits me, 2 hours of homework, then 2 hours of free time before bed (10–11 PM).
- I mentioned my better sleep habits, right? But on Monday, I was up for 24 hours because of procrastinating. Thank God it was an online class, I would've died if it were face-to-face. It was tough, but I got through it.
⠀Creativity & Expression
- I’ve been posting in my alt TikTok daily and I’m growing my account. I’m so grateful for the kind comments I’m receiving.
- This stood out because I now can see a side of humanity that actually cares for one another. I’ve been really pessimistic about my views on humans, but seeing sweet and supportive comments by actual people really changed my views.
- I've only been getting validation for my talents and achievements, but I’m reminded that just being me and being alive is enough, and that really stood out to me.
⠀Social & Emotional
- I was really happy to spend some time with Kerry. I was sitting on her lap and we hugged. That really comforted me because I missed her so much.
- Me and Jeica collaborated on a playlist, and we spent some time together in the canteen with other friends. She kept walking me to my classroom and we hugged as a goodbye.
- Me and my friend William sat together on a bench in the school park, the air was just right, the trees danced peacefully, and everything was peaceful. We talked there for an hour.
- I found my sweet cat Elvin sleeping beside me today when I woke up.
- My other cat Yellowfinn is so cute, I swear I love them so much.
⠀Goals for Next Week
- I definitely wanna make something good for our CLE and English project. I always rush on my projects but I don’t want to in this one.
- I want to finish my reporting in science.
- I also wanna make an edit, a rentry, or a drawing. I barely have time to indulge in my favorite things.
- Two weeks ago I mentioned wanting to buy something, I still haven’t, because I’m careful not to spend on things that don’t last. But I’m gonna make it my goal to buy myself a gift by next week.
⠀Random Thoughts & Dreams
- I love the fact that my hair is kind of brown, I prefer that more than my black hair.
- If I could, I would get a perm because of how flat my hair is.
- I had a dream last night where I was in a horror game and there was this stalker who liked my sister, but he ended up liking me and we kissed #yaoi.
- I dreamed that I was in Hong Kong and went to McDonald's (but it was in a food truck), and then out of nowhere my friend appeared and she started kissing me? Not on my lips but my neck and stuff which I really don’t know why I would dream of my friend like that.
- Then I got really hungry and I was craving Biscoff donuts #real. I love Biscoff donuts so much.
⠀Final Thoughts
- Honestly, this week was just really productive and it went by really fast.
- I’m super happy that things are going smoothly so far.
- It's been so fun updating this diary, see you again next week sweetheart! ♡
⠀꒰⠀⠀2025-07-12⠀⠀꒱⠀⠀⠀━━━⠀⠀⋆˚
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sketches. baby ivan in the bottom right... (≧▽≦)
Yesterday we danced wearing a blindfold during MAPEH. This guy kept bumping into me and I kept almost falling over the stage. I found it funny, and it was actually really fun to dance with a blindfold on. I got 18/20 on my score.
I'm proud of getting enough sleep this week. Last year I would only get two or three hours of sleep, even one on a really bad day. But this week, I got 7, 8 hours of sleep daily! I'm so proud of myself.
I finished my extended, directory, and interests
I also managed to do all of my homework and schoolwork. Well, I didn't have a submission button so I had to message my teachers. I wonder why I'm the only one with no button? But I only have one assignment to do, two Online Summative Assessments, and, surprise, I need to draw a poster for our classroom. Shocking. I also need to memorize some lines for our group since I'm the endorser, but it’ll be pretty short since we only need to make it one minute long. I need to re-memorize a song and a hymn, which would be easier since I already memorized them last year. One more thing, I saved up some of my allowance since I wanna hit a certain money goal. I need $60 more to reach it.
Anddd WOO my Pinterest is finally getting more views! I made an alt on my TikTok since I don't like posting on my main anymore. Maybe when I'm not busy. I really miss editing but I put way too much pressure on myself since I'm a perfectionist, I'm working on that.
Are we surprised that my favorite person Jeica made my week better? She's just so grounding. I don't know how such a kind, warm, and welcoming person exists. I kept seeing her around the halls or at the canteen. I always enjoy interacting with her, even if it's just a little bit. Yesterday she followed me at the canteen and we got to talk 1-on-1, which is unusual since I only get to spend time with her during lunch when she's with her other friends. I don't know what it is about her, but she always manages to make my day every time I see her. It's a wonder.
Another person who made my week better was Bea. She treated me to some fries and she made the classroom feel more welcoming and safe, rather than a hell I needed to survive.
Yesterday I had a deep talk with my friend Jamie. I didn't expect her childhood to be like that, and I feel grateful to have met her. Since she's been my classmate for 3 years now, it's surprising to have heard that info. On the lighter side, me, her, and Radge sat outside and talked about our favorite childhood shows, which was pretty fun.
⠀I'm looking forward to
- finishing all my schoolwork next week
- post more edits
- make rentries.
Also, I'm gonna be honest — I'm not looking forward to anything in school. Not the lessons, nor people. I'm not interested at all. I'm just doing my best in academics since this is the last year.
⠀Something beautiful I heard
- a quote from our English book. Summary is that wise men speak because they have something to say; fools say something because they have to. That we should think if our words inspire rather than ridicule. And that we should speak instead of staying silent and regretting it forever. That stuck with me.
- I saw how beautiful the sky was yesterday — the clouds and the blue looked so peaceful. I recently loved listening to no one noticed again. It's calming and it reminds me of my favorite person.
The habit and routine that helped my mindset this week was learning how to be comfortable with being alone, to speak to myself kinder, journaling, and using my time wisely. I've used alarms way more these days. So yeah, journaling, getting enough sleep, and talking to my favorite people made this week much more livable.
This week I felt authentic when I shared some ideas in a group work. Last year I was usually quiet and let the leaders do the work, but it's fun to suggest ideas that can actually help your group, not just stay silent. Also when I talked with my sister, she's the only person I can unmask my personality with. With others, I'm usually just quiet. I don't know why, but it's just so hard to use a single braincell or give a single fuck to interact with other human beings. I'm aware belonging is essential for survival, I just don't have a desire to connect with other classmates, even if it's lonely. I don't know, I find it to be a hassle... but it's actually rewarding if I like the person.
Overall, this week was full of interesting lessons. I'm grateful for my friends, kindness, myself, especially God.
See you next week! ♡
⠀꒰⠀⠀2025-07-04⠀⠀꒱⠀⠀⠀━━━⠀⠀⋆˚
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Hello, I went on the first day of school this week, and I'm really grateful because I saw my best friend Kerry and Jeica again! Kerry treated me to some fries and I had lunch with her, And I also hugged Jeica tight because I missed her a lot, I saw her in line, I was a bit nervous to speak to her since it's been three months since we last saw each other. I'm glad that I got to see them. I made a new Pinterest board for my OC's which I think is so cute. I went to 7-Eleven yesterday and bought some onigiri, coffee icecream, and some macaroni and toast for dinner. Two days of school got cancelled due to the rain, which I'm glad happened, I was too tired to go to school anyways. I'm happy that it's rainy and cold, it's really cozy. I also read more about one room ta, and I bought a snack earlier today. I'm thinking of what to spend my money on, as I don't wanna be impulsive, but I do wanna treat myself or my friends to something. I wanna spoil myself with some gifts, I'll think about it. I'm also remaking my extended rentry right now, I've been on an edit block for a week, so I'll recover. Ah, I just checked my notifications, I'm glad my pinterest views are recovering and I got 100k+ views in a week, which is decent. My TikTok comment just got 2k likes in a day, interesting. I'm glad I'm handling school better than the past, I feel proud of myself. Overall, this week was alright, I'm mostly grateful I got to see my best friend in real life again, I missed them a lot. Next week, I wanna complete my extended and directory, and maybe treat myself or a friend to a gift.
⠀꒰⠀⠀2025-06-28⠀⠀꒱⠀⠀⠀━━━⠀⠀⋆˚
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Hey!!! I went to the mall today with my sister and mom. We ate Jollibee, I got rice, fries, chicken, gravy, and coke. It was really delicious, but I got full and couldn't finish the entire thing. After that my sister got new glasses, it was around 120 usd, I think it's a decent price of something that's good quality and will last long. My mom went to the apple store to buy a new charger for my MacBook since our dog kept chewing on the old one, she also mentioned that she'll buy me an Ipad soon, mostly for school. But I'm looking forward to using it for art as well, since its difficult to draw using my phone. After that, my sister and i went to the hair salon. She got a haircut while I dyed my hair dark brown for school, and I'm so happy because my hair got trimmed again! It's been two months since April and I've had a lot of fun with my blonde highlights, I'll miss them. But I also think dark hair suits me better, or maybe I have a bias because my hair is shorter now. It took quite a while though, around two hours, so I was really sleepy, I watched some videos on YouTube to avoid being bored. After I got my haircut done, my sister said I looked like a boy, which flattered me a lot. We went to a cafe and ordered some donuts and my favorite caramel coffee, as usual, sadly they didn't have any Biscoff donuts. Anyways, my mom bought me new school shoes because my boots hurt a lot. She bought me and my sister new aquaflasks, I'm really happy now that I can fit more water in it, especially because I like that it was black. Last thing, I went to buy new earbuds for some privacy.
It was a tiring but productive day. I watched karma from alien stage when I got home and made an analysis for my favorite scene, which I shared with my friends. I plan to make an edit soon, but I'm still so exhausted from today's activities. Anyways, that's pretty much it for today.
I do wanna update what's been going on in the past month though. I think I always get a life change during pride month, maybe God is blessing me because I'm gay. I came back to posting on Pinterest after a long five month hiatus and I renewed my profile theme, I love my new profile a lot, and it looks much cleaner and more organized than my old one, brown ouji towa theme, you will not be missed! Sorry, I just love my new theme more. I also bought a new roblox fit, and did a few rentry commissions which I'm proud of how the results turned out. I renewed my main rentry too. My friend recommended me yttd and one room ta which are my favorite things to have discovered this month. Overall, I've made a lot of progress and I'm slowly coming back from my hiatus. Some of my new pins are slowly getting more saves, and I'm proud of myself for working so hard this past month. Not just on money, commissions, or my social media, but the fact that I've been here to support myself despite my past circumstances, I'm grateful for the past month so far, it helped me grow a lot, and there's nothing else I could ask for. That's it for the long update, I plan to update this diary weekly. So, see you later.