A Shanty You'd Rather Not Hear
Across the vast expanse of the New World, silence often ruled the blue, serene waves. At least when violence wasn't ruling that day -- which it often did. After every storm, calm would find its moment to quell the rumble of the seas.
Today was not one of those days.
"IIII WAS MAAAADE FOR LOOOOVIN' YOU, BAAAAABY ~ !!!"
"YOUUUU WERE MAAADE FOR LOOOVIN' MEEEEEEEE ~ !!!!!"
Someone was having a concert in the middle of open sea! ...and it wasn't very good at all. No matter how far away other ships were from the Clare Torry, the boombox battleship, someone was definitely bound to hear the horrifying, dissonant voice of the infamous mercenary Quake Armstrong. Known for his pipes... and not in a good way.
The stage aboard the ship lit up with colourful spotlights, smoke and pyro, for a concert absolutely no one was attending, or even wanted to attend. But Quake didn't care. This was how he had fun, at least when he wasn't counting his money. Beside the ship, a yellow Sea King with a plain face and enormous underbite swam without a care in the world, as if the ~ 200db concert that was exploding on the Clare Torry wasn't happening at all.
That must've been the only way Quake had made a friend like that.
"Thank you, thank you!" Said the overgrown catfish, ending his song for absolutely no one. "I'm here all night! 'Cause I'm bored as hell. I already counted all my cash forty times today! Tch, screw this." Quake left the stage, heading back to pilot the ship. He checked one of his maps, and realised just where they ought to be right now.
"Will ya look at that?" Quake raised his face to meet the horizon, catching sight of land! Just a small island, enough to post up for supplies. Except, if Quake had his numbers straight... "Fool's Gold Island, eh? That's where the last sighting of Mad Man Jiro took place! Ohoho, we gon' be EATIN' GOOD tonight, Roger!"
The Sea King swam up to the battleship's mast, noticing his friend's excitement with every sense that wasn't hearing. Quake gave the enormous creature some pets, before setting course for their next destination.
"I know, I know, sweetheart!" Said Quake, as he gave Roger some last-minute pets at the port. "I'll be right back! I know you hate waitin', so just imagine all the gourmet clams you're gonna be eatin' when that fool's bounty is in my hands, boy!"
Satisfied with this, Roger sank under the blue waters like a solitary guardian as Quake finished up parking the Clare Torry. With everything ready, the mercenary headed into the town to investigate about this mysterious bounty.
Quake's first stop, naturally, was the local tavern. The Salty Splatoon was the bog-standard seafaring pit stop, reeking of booze and filled to the brim with shady and quirky characters. Pirates, other mercenaries, the occasional Marine. Quake walked in, some already recognising him and giving him odd looks that he gladly ignored with confident abandon. He sat at the bar, catching yet another stray glance from the barkeep as a huge, humanoid catfish with a mohawk was now all up in his face.
"Welcome to the Salty Splatoon..." , said the barkeep as he cleaned a glass. "How may I he--"
"GIMME A MUG, BUDDY!!!"
The whole establishment shook, and almost every single patron rushed to cover their ears. Quake had gotten too overexcited, terrorising the barkeep on accident.
"My bad," he lamented, with his jarring Southern accent. "Gimme a mug, buddy."
The barkeep stopped shivering, and gave Quake what he demanded. The fishman drank up, and after chugging down the entire drink in one fell swoop, he slammed down the tiny barrel on the bar with satisfaction.
"Not bad! Say, I gotta ask ya a lil' somethin', my man." The barkeep turned his head in confusion, wondering what Quake could possibly still want from him.
"Yes, sir...?" The barkeep looked to both sides, wondering if he could escape this conversation somehow.
"Where can I find that Mad Man Jiro?"
The barkeep spit out in surprise, as did half the bar. Some laughter erupted behind Quake as other mercenaries realised what the fishman was here for after all.
"We've all been tryin' to kill him for weeks!", said an older man with a minigun on his arm. "Every time, he just slinks away with his damn stilts!"
"He keeps evading my ninja skills..." Said a man in obvious ninja getup. Next to him, a crocodile man grinned. "His kill count keeps goin' up higher every week, and so does his bounty!"
"That's why I've gotta get 'em!" Exclaimed Quake, staying just short of blowing the whole bar away once again. "I want that bounty, so if none of youse are lookin' to get yer hands on Mad Man Jiro..."
"I am." A man with a cowboy hat and a naginata stepped up from his seat. He stared Quake up and down, and the whole bar went silent as those two mercenaries silently measured each other's resolve.
"Oh yeah?" Quake spoke up. "Ya tryin' ta stop me, boy?"
The man tilted his cowboy hat down. "Mad Man Jiro's evaded me for the last time. I know where he is, but if you want that information... we'll have to step outside."
The Salty Splatoon erupted in cheers and "oooh"s, in anticipation of a spectacle. Quake nodded, accepting the challenge, as he reluctantly left some Beri on the bar, following the mysterious cowboy outside.
It was now Quake and the cowboy, having a Mexican staredown right in front of the Salty Splatoon. They took ten paces away from each other. Quake smiled, as he prepared to take up his microphone like a quick draw of sorts.
"I'm warning you," said the hat-wearing man as he pointed his naginata at the fishman. "That Mad Man Jiro is no joke. He's killed fifteen of my men before -- I'm not gonna let you join them, stranger."
"And I'm warnin' YOU!", replied the fishy singer. "Nothin's gon' stop me from grabbin' that booty, so ya better think twice 'fore we fight. Ya want a concert for one, is that it?"
"Very well then... prove it to me!"
The man lunged at Quake, attempting to strike with his blade. Before he could get remotely close to the fishman's scales, Quake raised the microphone to his enormous lips...
"THERE ONCE WAS A MAAAN WHO TOOK TO SEEEEAAAAAA... ~!!!!"
The mysterious challenger was BLASTED several meters away by a tremendous sonic boom, his body being dragged through the mud in a straight line after the intense attack of Quake's vocal chords. Satisfied with the encounter, Quake walked up to the man, who was still laying on the ground.
"Was that enough for ya?"
The man had to shake himself off of the pit of mud he had fallen into. He stood up, holding his head with an immense headache. As he adjusted his cowboy hat, he showed Quake a thumbs up as a show of approval. "Y-Yes. I'll tell you where to find Mad Man Jiro. Also, please don't sing ever again -- you sound terrible."
"Quake Armstrong's gonna do as he pleases, baby."
The naginata-wielding cowboy told Quake that Mad Man Jiro had been reported to run away to the mountains every time the authorities managed to catch up to him -- only to stretch his stilts so high that no one would be able to reach him, until he made his escape. Quake didn't seem particularly phased by this, and he started the long trek to the mountains. The path was long, undulating, and tiring for someone who wasn't used to being on land for so long... but being on a solitary path wasn't so bad when he could sing to himself all day and no one would bitch about it!
Wait... that's just what he does on his ship all day. Scratch that.
The sun was already starting to set as Quake made it to the mountain path. He began to walk up the path, knowing there was no way he was gonna climb up all the way up there. At one point, the fishman got tired and made a stop. For once, he asked himself...
"...aw, dangit. What the hell did I do comin' here?! I can't climb these stupid mountains by sheer strength alone. Where the hell's this asshole gonna be? If only I could draw him out somehow..."
Only then, did Quake have a dreadfully beautiful idea.
"ALRIGHT, LADIES AND GENTS!!! THIS IS QUAKE ARMSTRONG, COMIN' AT 'CHA FROM FOOL'S GOLD ISLAND!!! HERE'S A PRIVATE CONCERT, JUST FOR ALL OF YOUSE!"
And so, Quake sang his terrible songs for a good ten minutes, causing enormous vibrations that, most likely, even people down at the path could feel, if not the town below. At the mountains, it felt like a massive earthquake was starting to form -- this wasn't just from Quake's singing, but also his special Fishman Karate technique: Tectonic Pulse.
Only then did a hobo on stilts stretch out of a hole in the mountain a few 200 meters above Quake, looking angry and disheveled.
"HEY! Keep it down, asshole!" The man said, blissfully unaware of what he had just gotten himself into.
"MAD MAN JIROOOO!!! Thanks for comin' to the concert, pal!"
Mad Man Jiro was blown away by the soundwaves that were sent his way, but thanks to his Devil Fruit, all he had to do to stay in place was stretch his stilts further. The wanted criminal was not pleased.
"You think you can catch me where dozens before you have failed?!" He teased, testing Quake's resolve. "You'll never get me while you live!"
"LET'S TEST THAT OUT!!!"
Quake lunged at his prey, launching a massive punch aimed at one of the stilts, attempting to catch Jiro off-balance. Jiro stretched and shortened the stilts perfectly, dodging every blow without concern. One from the left -- he ducked, lowering his body all the way to the rocky ridge where Quake stood. An uppercut -- Jiro rose into the heavens, avoiding the fishman's wrath like it was nothing!
"Tch -- I like a good struggle. But it ain't over!"
"I'll KILL you like the rest, you fishy bastard!"
Jiro used one of his stilts to send a stretchy "kick" Quake's way, like a sudden missile. Not intimidated in the least, the fishman retaliated by bringing Death's Song, his special microphone, to his lips.
"BOOORIIIIIING ~!"
Mad Man Jiro was rocked by the vibrations on the ground, his stilts becoming wobbly as he stretched upwards, almost losing his footing -- or his "stilting"? Finding a proper opportunity, Quake grabbed one of them in one of his huge hands, holding it tight and sending waves of panic all over Mad Man Jiro's body!
"You're not goin' anywhere, daddy-o!"
In around three months of his murderous antics, no one had ever put a hand down on one of Mad Man Jiro's stilts and lived to tell the tale. The wanted criminal lashed out from fear and rage, sending another slicing kick from his free stilt that stretched all the way into Quake's face, knocking him into the cliff-face with a huge crater.
Mad Man Jiro's stilts retracted as he stood above the seemingly beaten and unconscious Quake, wondering how he'd probably cook and boil his victim next. Like all the others... but the unexpected happened!
Quake opened one of his eyes with a huge smirk, and extended both arms towards his target, shooting a massive wave of vibrations -- Rokuogan! As he did, he taunted, adding insult to injury with his booming voice...
"GOTCHA, BITCH!!!"
Struck with a devastating blow that bypassed all of Mad Man Jiro's defenses, the stilt-powered murderer stumbled, unable to control his stretching, and finally fell down the cliff with a pitiful thud... well, the bounty did say "dead or alive".
"And then, all the villagers listened to my concert! It was HUGE, Roger, I tell ya!"
The deaf Sea King stared at his friend from the side of his ship as the sun hid over the horizon, signaling the end of the day. His blank stare was almost like a sign of doubt. As if destiny itself mocked Quake, with a "sure they did, bro". In reality, Roger couldn't understand. Because he was deaf.
"Either way, we got a big payday. That hobo's bounty was the biggest one we've picked up yet, buddy -- I got ya some premiere algae! Let's dig in, baby!"
And so, the day came to a close. Quake's stash had grown by a considerable amount, but he was still alone at sea, singing to no one else but his best friend in the world... a deaf sea serpent. Would Quake ever come to sing a real concert to someone? And would they SURVIVE?!
THE END