This place consiset of self-harm(any type), suicide, cussing, lashing out, outbursts, obsession, posession, threats, and stuff around those areas. I will talk about actual normal stuff at one point but its mainly me crashing out. I do act differently here than I do in public


05.23.25
I hate my life. Everyone makes fun of me and my friends all think I'm strange. People at school stare at me and I am called weird. I wish somebody would care for me. I know Blades cares for me. We are soulbounded together. There is a world where Blades will protect me from the hurtful words of others. I do not like being bullied. I do not like having boarderline. I like Blades. They make me feel safe and I know that they would like that. I would do anything for Blades. Blades will protect me from everything. I considered killing myself the other day but thoughts of Blades stopped me from doing that. Blades is my life and my spirit and if it wasn't for them I would be bleeding out in a bathroom with open slits and a belt around my neck. I am not stupid and I am not ridiculous. I am not an edgelord. I need Blades. This is not a call for help. Please Blades.


06.20.25
I fucking hate Blades.


06.22.25
I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE WHY EVERYTHING MY FAULT?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? IVE BEEN PUSHING MY ASS THIS WHOLE TIME FOR MYSELF AND THIS IS WHAT I GET IN RETURN? WHY HAS THIS WHOLE MONTH HAS BEEN SO FUCKING ASS ISTG IM ACTUALLY GOING TO KILL MYSELF. NOTHING IS GOING THE WAY I WANT IT TO GO AND I JUST KEEP AND KEEP ON GETTING STEPPED ON, BY THE SAME FUCK ASS PEOPLE I LOVE. AND THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO BE BASICALLY HOSPITALIZED FOR THE MAJORITY OF MY LIFE IS WORSE?!? I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH MY FAMILY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I DONT WANT TO CONTINUE TAKING THESE STUPID MEDICATION. I DONT WANT TO DIE ALONE ON A DAMN HOSPITAL BED. I WANT MY LITTLE APARTMENT. I WANT MY CATS. I WANT TO COME EVERYDAY TO MY PLACE AND SEE BLADES FACE BUT NOW I FUCKING CANT. WHATS THE POINT OF THIS ANYMORE. WHY IS SUDDENLY ALL MY FRIENDS IGNORING ME WHEN IM BASICALLY ON MY DAMN DEATH BED. I BET YOU THEY WILL ONLY MISS ME WHEN I DO ACTUALLY DIE. IVE HAD IT. IVE ABSOLUTELY HAD IT. YOU KNOW WHAT? SINCE I NEED TO TAKE MY MEDICATION I WILL TAKE IT!!! OH I DEFINITELY WILL. ALL OF IT AT THE SAME TIME. ILL DO IT WHEN I GET MY REFILLS. IM NOT OVERREACTING OR BEING DRAMATIC I SWEAR ON MY WHOLE LIFE THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL BE HERE.


06.23.25
if anything just couldnt get any better, my so called 'fp' i met a few weeks ago got called out for being childish and ATTACKED SOMEONE CAUSING THEM TO BE SCARED all over because the person made a joke called them "washed". but since they have a problem of taking things as an attack they started crashing out and everyone saw yay!! but let me tell you this, they are SO FUCKING WEIRD. But FINALLY THEY ARE IP BANNED AND NOW I CAN FINALLY SAY THAT I WAS THEIR “PARTNER” AND THEY WERE JUST SO FUCKING MEAN AND I HAD TO PRETEND I WAS WITH THEM LIKE NO,, THEY KEPT ON COMING TO ME IN MY DMS SAYING HOW MUCH THEY HATED A USER IF THEY JUST EVEN SLIGHTLY MADE A JOKING TEASE AGAINST THEM OR IT WAS GENUINELY SOMETHING THEY DIDNT LIKE, ESPECIALLY WITH USER YUGIOH LIKE THEH JUST DID NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THEM,, THEN THEY KEEP ON SENDING MSSG TO ME WHILE I WAS SLEEPING SAYING HOW MUCH THEY LOVE ME AND HOW THEY ARE STILL ALIVE BECAUSE OF ME??? THEY EVEN MADE A PRIVATE ACC AND KEPT ON MENTIONING ME ON HOW MUCH THEY LOVE ME LIKE I GOT FUCKING SCREENSHOTS BRO,, AND IT WAS ALL MAKING ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Heres what i can get about them because most of their acc is deleted and I didn’t screenshot it most stuff because i didn’t think their ass would be THAT deranged anyways,, some screenshots of them telling me their accs and to NOT tell anyone, other screenshots are they not liking people and just being mean about it especially about yugioh but I didn’t screenshot that because they deleted them right after they posted them (they said the most horrid stuff about them oh my god), them being creepy about me to the point where they said that they put on soap that they thought that would smell like me,, them lying about their age, and finally them saying that they are moving websites. I went on there without knowing anything but NOW THEY FUCKING MESSAGED ME ON IMSIILLTYDYH IM STILL SCARED OBVIOUSLY but what do they mean that I probably got dragged in too?? No bro,, i was FUELING THE FIRE but anyways IM SO SCARED OF THEM NOW AND WHAT WHAT IS UP WITH THEM TELLING ME TO NOT TELL ANYONE?? “Im sorry for being so insane and crazy over something that wasn’t even a big deal, but it’s ok! At least I’m off of there!” What..?? You literally attacked someone btw and made them scared, you ruined my trust, and you proceeded to make an alt and act like someone else and you think that’s ok? YOUR A FUCKING CREEP WHO KEEPS ON BEING ATTACHED TO ME?! YOULL LITERALLY KYS FOR ME WTH? if you see this username, everyone, hate, rebirthed, zipper, magical, internet, nobody, user, tettarto, heart, paw, nya, whatever the hell you go by. i never liked you. i was only with you to fill the void of me losing baldes. your a shit person who ruin me. and to think that i had a new fp after all these years. i absolutely hate you. and DONT YOU EVER SEE YOURSELF AS BLADES. THAT DRAWING YOU DREW MAKING YOURSELF BLADES BROKE MY HEART. YOU WILL NEVER BE BLADES. I ADORE BLADES WAYYYYY MORE THEN YOU. ILL PUT BLADES OVER YOU ANY DAY. DOESNT MATTER IF BLADES WENT THEIR OWN WAY, YOU. ARE. NOT. BLADES. I WILL NEVER REPLACE THEM ESPECIALLY WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU


ts so blades core


you know what i hate? i hate that i try so fucking hard. i hate that ill never be perfect. i hate how im always be alone. every since i was little ive always been excluded out of everything, i didnt mind. i liked being alone. but it catches on to a kid that that you are being left out and it hurts, i wouldnt want to do it anyways but it hurts that nobody even ask. it got worse in middle school, when kids start maturing, back talk and drama starts up, hormonas are showing, all that crap. i knew immediately that i had to fit in. everyone does. but no matter what i did i was always on the side lines, people only talking to me for answers or if their other friend wasnt there that day. i was never bad looking, people have asked me out before but ive always said no because i barely knew them. let alone seen them before. in highschool i always sat alone in lunch, i didnt even eat because of my ed so i just went to the libery. in projects i was mainly with a kid that didnt have a partner, it sucks because they didnt even want to talk to me too. in the end i dont care about school friends. school isnt for making friends anyways, your supposed to be studying for your future. a future that is now ruined and gone for me in a bling of an eye. they say that making friends online is better and more easy. well let me say for someone who has been on the internet for 12 years i call that bullshit. even in a place where everyone can so call get along by interest and such i struggle the most. most of my friends back then started drama since that was its prime and i was just always tossed around with friend by friend. in the end i never stayed with one. i was always replaced. the more years that went by the more i struggled. i kept on meeting new people but at the end of the day, i was just another person who spoke to them. nobody texts me first, i dont even recall the last time someone did. it made me desperate because my disorder feeds off needing someone to be there. so it distroyed me. little by little. i changed my interest, taking mannerism, gender, sexuality, art style, appearance, habits, routine, even lied about my age sometime just for the other person to like me better. but that never works. ive talked to soooo many people and no matter how much i change about myself im always just another person. i tried other methods like talking about myself a lot to them them know i was an open book but they dont stay. i tired not saying much about myself so they are more interested in my but they dont stay. i tried mirroing their humor and the way they talk and are but they dont stay. i tried being the oppsite of them because they say "oppsites attract" but they dont stay. i tired being the clingy loving one but they dont stay. i tired being the cold and distant one but they dont stay. i tired everything. they. dont. stay. i shaped myself to the point where i messed up my self image. i dont even know who i am anymore. years and years of me doing this and im actually insane. ever since i was 5 i was doing it to myself. and in the end. i find no one. im not even the friend that people only talk to if their other friend isnt there anymore. im just simply ignored. always pushed onto the sidelines. watching others talk to each other. play games. show affection. and im just there. what is even wrong with me? i thought it was because i tired too much but when i try too little it doesnt work. im so alone to the point where i talk to myself a lot in my head and create fake people. i text myself sometimes and its so embarrasing. when someone does talk to me a cherish it so much to the point where anything so minor like a joke, misspelling, fact about them, is the most biggist thing to me. but it doesnt last long. and suddenly those memories doesnt matter to them and they forget. i remember everything because of that. i made everything small so big for me. i absolutely hate it when i talk to someone new and they reply so quick, find me cool, and have the same interest with each other just for them the next day ghost me. and i keep on texting. and they arent there anymore. i cant even count how many times ive introduced myself. when anyone gives me the most slightest attention im quick to grab it. no wonder im so easy to manipulate. ill do anything to make them stay. what i hate the most is that people say "youll meet the right people soon". its been 12 years. almost everyday i met someone new. not a single person makes an effort. even if they do it doesnt last. till this day im alone. and looking at the future from a person who actually studies psychology, things wont change. maybe a little. but ill always be lefted out. that sucks. i know psychology. that means i know the human brain. so that should mean i should know how to make friends. but guess what. ive told you ive tried. everything. i even tried manipulating. it doesnt work. and dont even say how im supposed to let stuff happen naturally. i have. and im still here. i need someone. not for myself. but for this stupid disorder that needs to have someone by my side to even function. and in the end. people have the audacity to wonder why i want to die. isnt it obvious? not to you. you dont understand my brain. you dont understand how much this pains me. you dont know that im at war with myself. i talk down on myself every day. because of my own idiocy. dont educate me on friendships. i know more crap than you. even if stuff for me didnt work out at all that means nothing. i still know more than you. and i know that at the end of my life ill end up killing myself


06.24.25
im still awake. and im talking shit on tet LMAO


how i feel like talking on here


saying the f bomb feels corny...anyways. do you hate it when love turns sexual? i keep on feeling that with blades and its so weird because i dont even like that. i want to hold blades. crap im messed up


blades and me lick lick


06.26.25
1029 days, you took 1029 days from my life, i took that time little by little, so painfully slowly, to try and confess some stupid feelings that arent even valid anymore. im so done.


06.29.25
if you need me blades ill be here. i was always here.


07.04.25
I JUST REALIZED I NAMED THIS THING 'DAIRY' INSTEAD OF DIARY I CANT STOP LAUGHINGGGG


07.10.25
looking back at these make me cringe so bad im such a cornball


07.15.25
The real reason on why you struggle with co- dependency in a relationship is being you didn’t have anyone to anchor you when you were a child. When you were younger you had people constantly invalidating your feelings when you were going though things and had intense emotions and nobody was ever there to help you. Instead they invalidate your feelings and made you feel small and worthless for it. And now when you get older, it’s not more so of a sense that you want someone to need you, you want to need someone because you need someone to anchor you, you need someone to validate you, you need somebody that’s gonna be like “hey it’s ok! I’m here! I won’t leave if you get sad! I won’t leave if you do this! I will still be here by your side because no matter what, I care about you and I love you!” You want someone to validate you that badly where you’ll stoop down so low to getting into a co-dependent relationship because you don’t know how to process anything else and you will not except anything else, right dede?


07.16.25
am i still mad about it after almost or probably a hold month already passed? yes, yes i am. THAT WAS MY FUCKING COOKIE. MINE. I ALREADY TOOK A FAT BITE OUT OF IT. THAT WAS UNCLAIMED TERRITORY. MY UNCLAIMED LAND!!! THAT WAS MY STRAY CAT. MY SNACK THAT WAS BEHIND THE COVERS TO BE LEFT AND FORGOTTEN BUT I GRABBED IT. MY PLUSHY THAT I SELECTED FROM A CLAW MACHINE THAT NOBODY WENT FOR. MY SONG FROM A PLAYLIST THAT NOBODY CHOSE TO LISTEN TO BUT STILL HAD IT ON THE PLAYLIST. MY GLITCH IN THE SCREEN THAT I DIDNT MIND. MY CLOTHING STYLE THAT NOBODY ELSE WORE BUT NO. YOU. YOU FUCK ASS PARASITE. TOOK IT FROM ME. YOU ATE MY COOKIE THAT I ALREADY BIT. YOU CLAIMED MY TERRITORY THAT I CLAIMED FIRST. MY LAND!!! YOU TOOK MY STRAY CAT THAT I ALREADY TOOK CARE OF. YOU TOOK THE SNACK THAT I WAS PLANNING TO EAT. YOU SELECTED MY PLUSHY THAT I WAS TRYING TO GET. YOU STARTED LISTENING TO THAT SONG THAT ONLY I LISTENED TO. YOU TOOK AWAY MY GLITCH ON MY SCREEN AND PASSED IT ONTO YOUR SCREEN. YOU STARTED WEARING THE SAME STYLE OF CLOTHING THAT NOBODY ELSE EVEN BATTED AN EYE. YOU TOOK IT AWAY FROM ME. I HATE YOU. EVERYTHING I PLANNED SO WELL AND LOGICALLY AND YOU TOOK IT. DONT FUCKING FLAWNT YOUR "PRIZE" THAT YOU CLEARLY DIDNT DESERVE, DONT TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL BAD THAT YOU TOOK IT AWAY FROM ME, I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU AT ALL, I DONT WANT YOU TO FEEL PITY FOR ME AT ALL JUST BECAUSE IM FROM A PERSON YOU KNOW. YOUR THE LAST PERSON ILL EVER WANT TO COMFORT ME. YOU ACTUALLY MAKE MY PATIENCES SNAP, NEVER IN MY LIFE IVE MET SOMEONE THAT BROUGHT ME SO MUCH ANGER AND HATE AND THATS COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS SO MUCH EMPATHY FOR PEOPLE. YOUR LITERALLY ONE OF THE FUCKING REASONS WHY I WANT TO KILL MYSLEF. YOU RUINED MY LIFE. YOU RUINED MY FUTURE. YOU RUINED ME. AND TOOK MY FRIEND AWAY. MY JOY THAT I ACTUALLY GOT ME TO STAY IN THIS FUCK ASS WORLD AND PUT UP WITH ITS SHIT. YOU MAKE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH ISTG I MIGHT JUST SELF PURGE. I DONT NEED YOU TO BE TELLING ME THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK WHEN YOUR ONE OF THE CAUSES. DONT TRY TO PAINT YOURSELF AS SOME SORT OF PERSON YOU CARE SO THAT IT CAN MAKE MY FRIEND THINK “THEY’RE SO NICE!” BECAUSE GUESS WHAT. I CAN RUIN YOUR PATHETIC LIFE. AND I DONT CARE. YOU DID IT TO ME SO BAD TO THE POINT WHERE I CANT EVEN FUCKING LOOK AT MY ARMS, LEGS, FACE, STOMACH, EVERYTHING AT THIS POINT BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH I HAD TO CUT MYSELF BECAUSE OF THE THOUGHT OF YOU. YOU MADE MY SELF IMAGE SO FUCKED UP I ACTUALLY AM SO SURPRISED ON HOW LONG IM STILL HOLDING ON TO MY SANITY. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER AND NOT BLEED OUT IN THE DAMN BATHROOM, THEN STOP DICK RIDING MY FRIEND AND BACK OFF. THATS ONE OF THE STEPS. I WANT MY LIFE BACK. I WANT MY FUTURE BACK. I WANT MYSELF BACK. YOUR A MONSTER. I WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE AND YOU TOOK IT AWAY FROM ME. I WAS SO NAUSEOUS AFTER I FOUND OUT I DIDNT EVEN EAT THAT WHOLE DAY BECAUSE OF YOU. YOU PIECE OF SHIT ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN. I HOPE YOU FIND ME HANGING IN YOUR ROOM. NEVER IN MY LIFE I SNAPPED SO HARD AT SOMEONE. IVE BEEN TRYING MY FUCKING HARDEST TO MAKE IT RIGHT WITH ME. I PUT MY SCHOOL, FAMILY, FRIENDS, ACTIVITIES, EVEN NORMAL HUMAN FUNCTIONING STUFF ASIDE FOR THEM. SO I CAN FINALLY GET WHAT IVE BEEN WANTING FOR YEARS ON END. AND YOU. YOU. YOU TOOK IT. I PUT MYSELF THOUGH SO MUCH DURING ALL THOSE YEARS TO KEEP ON STANDING. I DONT EVEN WHAT TO THINK ON WHAT IVE DID TO MYSELF ALL THOSE YEARS BECAUSE IT GENUINELY MAKES ME HAVE A PANIC ATTACK. AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?!? BUT YOU. A LOUSY, BASIC, IDIOTIC, PARASITIC PERSON GOT THE "REWARD" THAT IVE BEEN WORKING SO HARD TO EVEN MAKE THEM SHOW AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT OF AFFECTION TO ME? YOU HAVE A FUCKING LIFE. YOU HAVE FRIENDS. YOU HAVE PARENTS THAT ARE THERE FOR YOU. OR AT LEAST ONE OF THEM I DONT REALLY KNOW YOUR STUPID LIFE. YOU HAVE GOOD EDUCATION. YOU ARE MORE STABLE. AND THERES SO MUCH MORE BUT I HAVE NOTHING. AND YET YOU TOOK THE LAST THING THAT KEPT ME GROUNDED. NOW MY LIFE IS JUST POINTLESS. IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING AT THIS POINT. YEAH YOU MAY JUST THINK "OH THEY ARE JUST BEING EDGY AND OH MY GOD!!! T-THEH ARE SUCH A BAD PERSON!!! YOU DODGED A BULLET THERE [FRIENDS NAME!!!"] WELL SORRY BUT LIFE ISNT ALL OK LIKE YOURS IS. STUFF WONT GET BETTER FOR ME. STOP SAYING IT WILL. STOP SAYING TO START NEW. BECAUSE I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY LIFE IS JUST STUPID. AND SOME PEOPLE. NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY WORK TO GET EVEN A BIT OF LOVE OR THEIR LIFE STRAIGHT THEY NEVER GETS IT!!! ALL THERE HARD WORK GOES DOWN THE DRAIN AND ITS TAKEN BY STUPID PARASITES LIKE YOU WHOS LIFE ISNT EVEN BAD AS THE PERSON WHO IS SUFFERING IN THE SITUATION. YOU JUST TAKE WHATS NOT YOURS TO FILL IN YOU LITTLE PERFECT LIFE. TELLING SOMEONE IT WILL ALL GET BETTER SOON DOESNT ALWAYS HAPPEN. HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO PUT THEIR WHOLE LIFE OF THE LINE TO GET THEIR LIFE AT LEAST A BIT BETTER END UP NOT GETTING IT AND IT JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE. AND THEY THEY ARE CRITISIZED BY THE SAME PEOPLE WHO SO CALL "TRY AND HELP THEM" SAYING "WELL AT THIS POINT YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF!" IVE BLED OUT FOR MY OWN FUCKING LIFE?! HOW IS THIS MY FAULT. ITS YOUR FAULT FOR NOT BACKING OFF. ITS YOUR FAULT FOR RUINING MY LIFE. MY FRIEND IS THE MOST PRECIOUS THING THAT HAS EVER EXISTED. AND YOU ARE RUINING THEIR BRAIN. AND IM STILL HERE. HOLDING ON TO THE EDGE AND SEEING IF THERES ANY HOPE EVEN I KNOW DAMN WELL THERE ISNT ANYMORE. BUT HEY! THATS THE LIFE OF MANY PEOPLE. PEOPLE TELL THEM "IT WILL GET BETTER!" THEY TRY. SOMEONE TAKES IT AWAY. THEY GET WORSE. AND ITS SUDDENLY THEIR FAULY. IM NOT DIGGING MY OWN PIT LOWER AND LOWER. YOU JUST MADE THE PIT LOWER FOR ME. IM NOT LETTING GO OF THIS. I NEVER WILL. ILL JUST CAVE EVERYTHING IN UNTIL I DO SOMETHING STUPID LIKE MURDERING SOMEONE. AND OH THOU SHALL BE YOU! YOU PARASITE. I WONT FIX MY LIFE UNTIL YOU LET GO OF THEM AND I GET BACK WHAT I DESERVE. NO THEY ARENT A PRIZE TO BE WON BUT THEY ARE MOST CERTAINLY NEED TO BE PRAISED. AND ITS NOT BY YOU. YOU WILL REGRET THIS SOON WHEN I DO SOMETHING STUPID. IM ON THIS ALONE EVER SINCE THAT INCIDENT HAPPENED. AND NOW. SINCE IVE NO LONGER HAVE ANYONE TO ANCHOR ME DOWN AND TELL ME WHATS RIGHT AND WRONG AND MIRROR PERSONALITY. IM GOING INSANE. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. I KNEW THAT THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. I HAD A FEELING THAT IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN MONTHS AGO BUT I JUST SHOVED IT OFF BUT NO. I WAS RIGHT. IF YOU DIDNT ENTER THAT STUPID THING THEN MY LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN OK. I SHOULD BE WITH MY CATS AND FUCKUHF THEMMNSV BY NOW BUT NO. I HATE YOU. I HOPE SOMETHING REALLY BAD HAPPENS TO YOU.


To you blades. dont worry im doing ok <33 i still love you so so dearly. dont let that get into your head. im still hoping and hoping. even if its a far reach. im standing my ground for you and ill be waiting. prithee keep thinking about what you actually want to do. you have my heart and always did since harvest month of that year...


07.17.25
sorry about that. blades is still in my head. they come around when im down. even though that isnt the real them. and just my imagination its fine. its like they were always there. blades subconsciously told me in my dream they didnt like what i said. they got really sad. even when i reassured them in the end. im sorry blades. even if that wasnt really you speaking to me and just my mind playing tricks. i like to think that you talk to me in my head. ill try and comfort you in my dream tonight.


07.24.25
Around that time I used to wait all night just for you to say goodnight to me even when you didn’t reply back. But you never said goodnight and I just waited like an idiot. I kept on waiting up and checking my phone just to see if you said something but there was nothing. I ended up balling my eyes out most of the time because I thought I did something wrong and when I texted again you didn’t say shit. You didn’t even react to it anymore like you used to. You were a horrible person and now I’m starting to see the little and subtle stuff you did that I bet you people will hate you if you did that in other relationships. I want you to know that you hurt people without knowing it and one day your going to regret it. Fix that about you. Quit saying that it’s your disorders because they can be controlled. Since you wanted me to control my BPD sooooooo much then how bout you stop forgetting. It’s the bare minimum. “I can’t control what I forget!” So then I can’t control my impulses then! Your hypocritical too. You just do it so subtly it makes it seem that you are right which you’re not! You want me to go as far as little erasing my disorder just say it! Admit it! I hate bringing up that I have this stupid emotional unstable disorder but when I was with you it made me remember it every second of my damn life! You know what I will just say it! You caused it.


08.11.25
“i care about suicidal people!!!” they say as they leave the suicidal person, that just makes you an asshole. there is no such thing as "nothing to do", there is endless posibilites, you are just a coward and chose the easy route thats best for you, just admit it, you care only about yourself and your well being, and if thats a "lie" and you care for others then you wouldnt have done what you did.

Edit

Pub: 23 May 2025 22:16 UTC

Edit: 11 Aug 2025 18:16 UTC

Views: 50