sorry these getting so short theres just nothing to report on winter brake bru

anyway i made my pinterest account a business account and now i cant find out how to fix my fucking messages and im too lazy to revert it back into a non business account because i like seeing who saves my pins ☹️☹️
not even i can msg anyone vro and im pretty sure people cant msg either idk not sure i guess but bro am i actually stupid actually how do i enable dms im not a fat corporation am i genuinely dumb :sob:

edit actually idk why i was yelling its not even that big of a deal no one even messages me :sob::sob::v: bro doesnt even know what he fighting for atp :tanabata_tree: :ear_of_rice: :wilted_rose:

another edit sorry im stupid i just figured out how to fix it 💀💀💀 ts pointless


i am back at 8 pm
god i hate this i dont even know atp
half of the time i crave someone i long for attention i wish for romance i NEED romance
and now im utterly disgusted by the thought of it, the thought of someone caring that much about me. the pressure. but i want love. i want to care about someone and love them just as much if not more than they love me. idk
the thought of it. im scared i dont even know what to say
im either lovebombing or im in an episode and dont talk at all for some reason and im so tired of this im tired of being like this i just want romance i want love i want love where it is unconditional love (for me TO them, they can feel whateva they want cuh) and i do. but i dont. why is it non consistent? why? is that just who i am? all i am? was i not meant for love? not for romance? is it good that i don't get the romance and love and freaky i long for, is it all just the silver lining? is this all along good for me to "focus on myself"? i don't want to. i never want to.

all i want is love. i want ME to love. i don't need huge amounts of others' love. i want to make MYSELF different. i want to make it so i just love. not wavering, not ever getting too creepily strong or annoyingly weak, just love.
i've had countless tests. it's not a disorder thing or anything. it is just what i am. the thing i call myself.
i do not deserve to love. i can't. i can't hurt. i can't help. i can't.

and i hate knowing that in a month this entire feeling will change, and then i'll be crying about "wanting true love and wanting a partner". it is a cycle. i am nothing but a cycle. that is my only trait. i am never consistent. you can never depend or count on me. i'll be there when i won't. and when i'm not there, i'll be there. sounds stupid? doesnt make sense? twin thats the whole point

if i could end this stupid fucking cycle, i'd do almost anything. now's the stupid whining side #2 so part of me is saying i could just end it all easily. do i want to? will i? no, but for a stupid reason. the only reason i am "holding out" is because the thought of love. that's what i literally just said i was terrified of.

i need to keep myself in check. i need every second to remind myself of what i am. i am not loveable, i was not meant to love or to receive it. i will never have love. i should never have love. even when i tell myself, "ohh, i need someone i miss having a partner and texting them all the time and planning things and loving themmm!!!" i tell myself that one day i'll get married. we'd go shopping together, go on the best dates, get freaky i guess who knows </3, and especially i've always been thinking how i'll "bring the love of my life on a cruise when we're older, and we'd eat the best food and get the best drinks, watch the dinner shows and live music, lean against eachother while on the 7th or so over the balcony watching the show, rubbing their back and whispering how much i love them while i'm wearing some fancy suit" idk if the quotation marks were even supposed to go that long that whole sentence was much longer than intended my lawd

i'm going to get myself off here. this entry went from 2 sentences to like 2 essays about my feefees (feelings) like ho nobody even care :wilted_rose: i guess it's good to get your shit out in a diary. everyone says journaling and things like that are really good for you, so i guess its a "dbt coping skill" (get it? it's from residential? ptsd reference? cptsd? ward flashbacks? getting groomed flashbacks? watching the craziest shit flashbacks? missing my family so horribly flashbacks? wishing i could go outside instead of one room flashbacks? medpass flashba

Edit

Pub: 04 Jan 2026 22:44 UTC

Edit: 05 Jan 2026 02:14 UTC

Views: 8