My personal experience with being an irl so you can understand me better!

Trigger warnings: Mentions of self harm, disassociating etc.

Note: I can not control how i feel/act about this, so consider the fact while you are reading! Because this is not a "silly delusion", this is a real experience with a persons mentality.

How is being an irl for me: For me, being an irl has both good sides (ik it sounds crazy but listen!!!!) & bad sides, but honestly ive been getting better because the bad sides are slowly getting better and disappearing : 3
I will base the experience off being dave irl because, You know!
The "good sides" are things such as the increase of my interest in learning other languages (russian, german, french), being better at logical thinking/maths ("human calculator" post), learning instruments (i dont know how to spell the instrument ykwim), expand my vocabulary (You can see it in the game) and learning more and more about mechanics (do i have to explain?)
to be realistic: I think these stuff will help with a LOT in my life, and i normally do not have any bit of motivation to do anything, but to feel at least a little validated i can get determined about these stuff and get up and do these, which can really increase the health of thinking, for me at least
And these stuff made my school life so much better since i have so many "talents" ive worked on. cause of this, people see me as a really smart person to look up to and that makes me really happy because i get to talk about my interests that are mentioned in dsaf!!!!! Dsaf is my spexial interest aha

Bad sides of this would probably not knowing my identity, obviously . If you have known me for a few years you'd notice that i never had a sona before, but now i do, well. that sona is just made to separate myself from media sometimes, its really hard to use that sona because i mean, yes it has all the character design stuff that i like but it just doesnt feel like me sometimes, and im sure if you know identity delusions and stuff, you'll understand what i mean ^_^
Another thing id like to add is that something that also comes along with identity delusions, NOT KNOWING MY GENDER IDENTITY OR SEXUALITY LIKE EVER because hell people will ask me and i will go "heh. im. half aubergine if that helps!" i sound BAD. Normally i know my gender identity and sexuality but you know when being an irl comes into it i get confused and not understand anything. liek at all. its hard to recognize

deep stuff that i dont know how to label: Trigger warning by thw ay! Umm.
So ive heard that some people think that irls just.... harm themselves because they want their media body/scars back, well im going to be extremely honest, i did WANT to do that, but ive never done it really. I just had the thoughts of how cool it would look but tbh springlock scar tattoo would be way more better than actual scars like i had in media...

Doubles: Oh boy oh boy this is another bad thing and i think this might mqke a lot of people hate me and see the Fact that i am actually mentally unweell sometimes...and thst its not fun....
So right again for me, I REALLY dislike being around doubles, for both my own reasons and their own safety, i dont have anything towards doubles when i am talking about them but whenever i see a double that quite acts like me i panic a lot and thats why most people dont like me ... im sure its something combined with identity delusions and bpd, Personally, i dont prefer being around them because like ive said, if they remind me of myself i panic and think they are trying to copy me and they will replace me (Quite the real side of delusions, isnt it?) and thats why i get really uncomfortable about doubles, its genuinely something i cannot control, so i really dont prefer interacting with doubles so i dont go a little insane and hurt them or myself (ive never hurt a double for being my double but like. you know)
and if you think "doubles dont exist" well. it does for me and my fucked up brain, so like.....! its not something im quite aware of internally

How to help me with this: Well.. i will be honest, theres no helping me unless i get therapy, and before some of you go "oh just reality check yourself" thank you Einstein, thats not how it works. Talking from real life experience + a professional psychiatrists (or therapist?) words: delusions do not go away even if you reality check it.
I had my mom experience severe delusions, she changed HOUSES. she changed her name and divorced my father JUST because she had severe delusions, and when we went to her therapist/psychiatrist (im not sure which one was it) they literally told us not to disagree with her delusions because that just drives them worse than better (thankfully shes on meds now and so much better), (can yall tell whose genes i got?)
so that was just an example that kind of sounds like a vent actually but like, thats sort of my situation, i am not on meds (sadly..?) It just, generally doesnt help to reality check or fake claim that just makes me worse and make me unhealthy rather than healthier than usual. If you ever just refer to me in 3rd person i just kind of feel invalidated n stuff... But if you dont want o do that THATS completely fine i honestly get it (talking from the mom experience again) i did not like agreeing with her delusions either so it can be like.. uncomfortable for other people... so i get it. But seriously, in all kindness, please, if youre not wlready a friend of mine and you plan on using/use 3rd person on me whenever youre talking about media me, just........dont be my friend. I cant keep friends who make me feel invalidated about it, because i am doing almost everythinf to fit my media self in all the healthy ways....,,,, (Even my life goes like that! My best friend ole henry left me without a word and so did my lover jack!!!!!! its all a dsaf reference!!!!) (thats not about dsaf thats actually ole henrys name + the name of my boyfriend whos probably not my bf anymore cuz he left or died idk Haha about to davetrap myself) (ITS A JOK IM NOT GONNA DAVETRAP MYSELF BUT LIKE THEY ACTUALLY LEFT LIKE THAT AHAHA)
But yes basically, Even just accidentally confusing me with my media self makes me feel extremely validated and happy so. It doesnt really have like a bad bad affect on me for people to agree with me that i am dave miller... its nothing harmful.. but i get it if u dont wanna, and like, i guess im okay with that i just wont tolerate it a lot if you try to be my friend (Besides twitter oomfs tbh, just in dms its like really awkward to say that since i kind of cant talk in 3rd person)

I just felt the need to explain myself because im really tired of people not liking me for being an irl, its not something i can control, and even though its not a medical term, i do believe it exists because whenever i share my experiences with other irls (or at least people who label themselves as an irl, idk what tf i should call this im not good with terms on this) and the experiences are exactly the same, so this cannot be a coindicence .... in my opinion,

But whatever no matter how many times i state this is my own personal experiences and opinions people will still think i am talking generally if yall do that sorry but youre stupid and dont know how to read

Sorry negativity takes over me sometimes but yeah that was kind of necessary to say

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Pub: 15 May 2024 20:10 UTC
Edit: 15 May 2024 21:20 UTC
Views: 351