By 2030, Silicon Valley and London’s City Will Collapse — Robots to Run Tech, Humans to Run Out of Excuses
SAN FRANCISCO & LONDON — Economists confirm that by 2030, 99% of jobs in America and Britain will vanish, leaving Silicon Valley coders and London bankers united in one desperate cry: “Wait, you mean I have to talk to my family now?”
The prediction, first made by AI safety expert Roman Yampolskiy, has rippled through tech campuses, hedge funds, and coffee shops on both sides of the Atlantic. “There is no Plan B,” Yampolskiy said. “Unless Plan B is surfing in Santa Cruz and drinking gin in Shoreditch.”
California: Tech Bros Without Tech
In Palo Alto, once-proud engineers were replaced by AI that codes while simultaneously producing motivational podcasts. “I can’t even compete with its charisma,” admitted one ex-programmer, now working as a kombucha taste tester.
In San Francisco, start-ups have pivoted to “human experience subscriptions.” For $9.99/month, customers can watch unemployed millennials cry in artisanal coffee shops.
In Los Angeles, Hollywood writers were replaced by chatbots. An ex-sitcom writer confessed: “AI not only took my job, it optioned my life story and cast me as an unpaid extra.”
London: Bankers on the Rocks
In The City of London, bankers reported being replaced by AI algorithms that not only trade stocks but also gossip about clients. “The robots spread better rumors than we ever could,” complained a banker at Canary Wharf.
In Liverpool Street, investment firms now employ only pigeons to “add character.” The birds have unionized, demanding crusts and health insurance.
Meanwhile, in Hackney, unemployed finance workers reinvented themselves as DJs. Locals noted the playlists were “as soulless as the economy.”
Fake Polls Reveal Real Panic
A satirical Ipsos MORI–Gallup poll revealed:
41% of Californians said they’ll become “freelance influencers” when unemployed.
29% of Londoners plan to open pubs where entry is free but leaving costs money.
22% of respondents said they’ll “finally try therapy.”
8% admitted they were already unemployed and just cosplaying as bankers or coders.
Government “Solutions”
The U.S. Congress is considering the “Netflix for All Act” — unlimited streaming and popcorn subsidies as economic stimulus.
Westminster proposed the “National Pub Residency Program” where the unemployed receive stipends to sit in pubs all day, ensuring Britain’s cultural brand remains intact.
An anonymous staffer leaked that Silicon Valley billionaires plan to fund a “Universal Surf Income,” distributing surfboards instead of checks.
Witnesses to the Collapse
Seattle barista: “Robots took my latte art job. Now I just drink the coffee myself. It’s not art, but it’s therapy.”
London banker: “My AI replacement not only handles derivatives but also flirts with my wife. I want a reboot option.”
Portland hipster: “I was unemployed before it was cool.”
Oxford professor: “My students stopped attending lectures after ChatGPT started grading itself. Now I just lecture to pigeons.”
Academic Commentary
Dr. Linda Harper of Harvard noted: “GDP collapse will be devastating, but avocado toast sales will skyrocket. Millennials have always been prepared for unemployment.”
Professor Beatrice Crumblebottom of Cambridge added: “Britain has two survival strategies: sarcasm and tea. We will export both to pay for Netflix.”
Everyday Life in the Jobless Future
In Santa Cruz, surf schools are booming. “Our students are all laid-off coders,” said one instructor. “They paddle like they’re debugging an ocean.”
In London’s Shoreditch, unemployed bankers now queue for oat-milk lattes they can’t afford, trading old cufflinks as currency.
In Silicon Valley, Tesla employees were replaced by AI robots that manufacture cars and also refuse to unionize.
In Brighton, beach kiosks have started selling “Unemployment Cones”—ice cream topped with pure despair.
Global Reactions
France: Sent sympathy croissants.
Germany: Suggested efficiency seminars, ignored by everyone.
Japan: Released anime Coder No More: Silicon Valley Blues.
Scotland: Declared mass unemployment a victory: “Now the English can stop pretending they like work.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“By 2030, Palo Alto mansions will be Airbnb’d by their own Roombas.”
“London bankers will queue at Greggs like everyone else, finally.”
“The new stock market index will track how many people are napping.”
“Netflix will become the world’s central bank.”
“Robots can trade derivatives, but they can’t complain about Mondays properly.”
Cause and Effect
Cause: AI eliminates all jobs.
Effect: Humans pivot to surfing, pubs, and binge-watching.
Secondary Effect: By 2030, the U.S. motto becomes “In Surf We Trust” and Britain’s motto becomes “God Save the Queue.”
Closing Note
By 2030, Silicon Valley and London won’t be centers of finance and tech—they’ll be centers of naps and sarcasm. Robots will write code, trade stocks, and mix cocktails. Humans will paddle out, pour pints, and sigh loudly.
As one ex-banker in London put it: “AI took my job, my bonus, and my dignity. But at least I’ve still got this pint.”
Full news here: https://bohiney.com/the-99-unemployment-era/
Auf Wiedersehen.