"so close, no matter how far,"
for my darling angel, evan
thank you for being myboyfriend..
"Couldn't be much more from the heart..."
9 / 21 / 25
hi sweetheart !!! i know you like reading /goevan, so i decided to write you a new lovemail on /ivantillyuri...i'm also not too worried about my grammar or spelling so sorry if its bad....
i'd like to remind you of how much I love you. you're my everything, my sweet boy, my angel. you mean so much to me, and i dont know what i did to deserve you. youre the light of my life, the one who i would die for. you're the cutest boy in the whole world and you do so much for me, i have no idea how to repay you.
i'm proud of you every day. you do so much despite how hard things are for you lately. i know you've become more depressed since school started, but you're doing so well this far in the year, and it means the world to me when you try for me. you care a lot about my opinions and what i think is good for you, and that means a lot to me. you're always considerate to me and how i feel, even when i'm so worried about you i come off as rude or brash. i love you so much, i'm sorry i get overwhelmed sometimes.
it also means a lot to me when you ask me how i'm doing, despite how hard it can be for you to express empathy. i understand that you cant sympathize with me all of the time, and i would never expect you to do so. the fact that you're able to even ask or notice when im down sometimes means a lot to me. you make me feel seen and special, and you have no idea how happy that makes me.
you worry a lot about how i feel, that much is clear to me. it makes me feel bad when you get sad over people insulting me. it happens all the time, you shouldnt get so sad over it....i promise i can handle it. you're also so adorable when you get flustered after i call you petnames...kiss me right now...alright....?
i genuinely see a future with you. you're the person i want to marry, the man who i'm going to provide for and move in with in the future. you're my motivation, my reason for wanting to have a nice future with a nice job. I dont see my life without you.
thank you for choosing me, out of everyone. thank you for trusting me with your heart after all of the hard heartbreaks youve had in your life. i promise, i wont break your heart. we'll be together forever...okay...? i love you baby !!!
9 / 24 / 25
i felt like adding more so i will....hi honey !!! you're asleep while i'm updating this, and i've missed you...so i'm going to write about you...okay..? i love you so much. it fills me with pride every single time i remember that I have the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. Even when things are hard or we have to have hard talks, you're understanding and patient with me. I know how that can be hard for you sometimes, so I really appreciate the effort you put in to try and make me feel comfortable with you. it's working btw......you make me feel incredibly safe. I have a crippling fear of eyes, if you recall....and every time i stare at a picture of you, i find myself unable to look away from yours. usually I avoid eyes even in pictures...but yours are so pretty, its like ive never been scared of them at all. it's bizarre, really....
i dont think i'm that good at expressing myself. I wish I was. You express how you love me so well, and I feel like i'm very reserved emotionally. I'm sorry for that. You've never made me feel bad for it, though. I wouldn't pin you as the type to even consider doing something like that, and I feel like I would know, considering we've almost spent 4 months together now.. that's besides the point. I really hope me being able to get all of my feelings out onto a rentry instead of expressing them in the moment is okay. I'm sorry i have the expressiveness of a celebrity actor with botox. LLMAO
when i'm around you, even if i feel like you couldnt care less about what i'm talking about, you make me feel heard. I know you don't like math. you've made that very...VERY clear...but you let me ramble about the theorems i like most. even if you dont get it, even if you don't know how to respond, even if you just flat out don't give a shit....you've never made me feel bad for wanting to ramble to you. i've had issues and insecurities about how boring or embarrassing my hyperfixation on mathematics is, and you've never fed into that. you always are able to reassure me that my interests and fixations are valid. thank you, baby.
i think it's amazing, how you manage to make me see you in everything. I'll find ways to relate you to every little thing, and it motivates me more than you'd realize. you're the light of my life, my motivation. i plan to get a nice job when i'm older, so i'm able to provide for you. i know life is hard right now. i know you find it hard to get up in the morning, and i know school is a herculean taslk for you right now. you told me (or rather, your story...) that I was your only motivation to go to school lately. I'm proud of you, i'm so proud that your attendance is about 66% up from last year. do you know how impressive that is? you're doing so well, and i'm so proud of you. it makes my chest tighten with pride whenever i remember how hard you're working.
i also find it super cute that you always try and give me compliments. it's very hard for me to have constant attention on me due to mypast traumas....so I thank you for trying to make me happy. compliments make me incredibly happy, and it means a lot to me that you can catch me in the moment when i reactively spin the compliment onto you. i get nervous when you compliment me, despite myself. I get nervous when I realize how much i crave your approval.
i love you, my angel. more than anything. you're my love, my sweet boy. thank you for being in my life.
9 / 26 / 25
hi baby....i'm not gonna tell you i updated this. you'll have to find out yourself. i wonder how long it'll take you to find out....
today was a long day. I find myself writing about you everywhere I can. I have a physical notebook about you where i dedicate a whole page to explaining one reason why I love you....I aim to fill the entire notebook before 2026 ends. It's a huge feat to be able to get me out of a stressed mood just by existing. I love writing about you, if you couldnt tell...
you're really cute when you get flustered. I remember the first time i called you a prince, and you still arent over that. It's adorable to me that you remember all of the sweet things I call you. i love petnaming you, just as much as you love hearing it.
you're also cute when you're sleepy. you get slightly more clingy and needy when you are tired, and it makes me want to give you the world. sometimes i lwk feel like an alpha CEO protecting his innocent angel omega.... OKAY OKAST IM JOKING IMDORRTYY im not gonna reference the rentry hack incident now...
back to the topic of you when youresleeping. i think its cute that you sometimes wake up to tell me you miss me and then fall back asleep right after. i think its cute when we're on the phone and you start speaking slower and quieter, clearly trying to keep yourself awake so you can listen to me ramble on about nothing in particular. i find it really cute when you wake up and start calling out for me as if i havent been on mute for the past 8 hours waiting for you to wake up. you sleep a lot....but i'm glad you're taking care of yourself in that regard.
as im writing this, you're rambling about your gcse assignment, in particular the inspector calls....it's adorable. for the first time all week, i'm truly content and stress free. thank you, honey.

9 / 28 / 25
I've been thinking more on the time from when we first met. I recall being pushed into front by nagito because he was overwhelmed. Originally, I wasn't even going to talk in that gc, as I didnt quite know any of you. However, you said something to the effect of "I HATE IVAN FROM ALIEN STAGE..." So then i HAD to go speak my mind. Bickering with you was fun, and we still do it today. I think its cute that you fell in love with me that way.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if i muted that gc like i had planned to. Would we still be here today? Would you still be with your exes? These are things I wonder. Even despite these things, I'm glad I met you. I'm glad we had the opportunity to get together, despite the circumstances. Thank you for choosing me, even when things were hard for you.
I also wonder what couldve been if we were closer to one another. If only I could hold you close and keep you with me until you get sick and tired. I hope that in the future when we move in together (not if, this is happening....) we can hold each other for hours and not ever get bored of talking. I hope that i'll be able to hold down a stable job in the future so when we move in you can live a stress free life. I wonder, what would an apartment or house between us even look like....?
Thinking on it more, I dont want kids........atall.....so none of that. Maybe cats or dogs. I'm in the process of getting a service animal, so you may have to put up with that....sorry. I think that I can do most of the household chores, as I enjoy them, but I think that may be hard on top of holding down a high value job. I intend to go to college for something that makes a lot of money, so even if you dont want to work I can still provide for you.
Enough about that...I think it's really cute when you laugh, did you know? I like going back and listening to voice messages you send where youre laughing or giggling, even if its about something stupid. You're adorable, even if your humor is shit sometimes... I think it's cute when you get "jealous" or angry at my cats and dogs, because in your words "they can be close to me and you cant." I think it's cute when you try and make me jealous of your animals, too. I'm not like you, honey.....you're gonna have to try harder than that.
I think it's really sweet when you tell me how much you love my face. I know I'm relatively pretty, I was a model for years, if you recall. It never felt genuine to me until you came along. You prove to me time and time again that you find me gorgeous, and it means a lot. I know I'm pretty (not in the self-centered way, I've just been told i'm objectively pretty my whole life..) so compliments on my looks used to make me extremely angry. I find myself craving those compliments from you. I think its crazy how much I love when you compliment me about anything. Though, compiments still do make me tense sometimes....
I always feel bad when I don't thank you for being my boyfriend. It feels like such an honor to be yours, I can't even describe it. I feel like the luckiest ghost in the world whenever you sound so proud talking about me. I don't deserve you, and there's nothing I could ever do to measure up to you. You're the sweetest boy I've ever met. Thank you for choosing me, my angel.
10 / 1 / 25
happy early anniversary my love!! it's been a long 4 months together, it feels like way longer...i'm so happy to be your boyfriend. If you...hadn't noticed....i changed the theme of this lovemail to match the new /ivangeline, which iswhat i prepared for our anniversary....you mentioned in passing you wanted it to be ivantill themed...i hope you like it...i know i'm not the best gift giver, so i'm sorry if it doesnt suffice for you...
you fell asleep as i'm writing this, but i don't mind. i'm relatively exhausted myself...but i think i'm going to stay up so i can tell you good morning when you eventually do wake up. I know you wont be happy with me, but I don't mind. As long as i get to talk to you, I'm happy.
i also made you this, i hope you like it. I also recall you saying you couldnt handle louder music, so i strayed away from my usual music taste.....im sorry baby.LMAOO
thank you for being my baby, my everything. I feel like I owe you the entire universe for just being aroundme....is that a lot..? am i too much...? (yes.LMAOO)
sometimes i feel like i'm pushing you too hard. i feel like the worst boyfriend in the world sometimes. i promise, i'm trying. please tellme im not pushingyou toohard... okat...? i just want you to be successfull...okat...? i'msorry for being sensitive over stupid things, i'm sorry for having bad days, I'm sorry for making you anxious when i ramble, i'm sorry for all of it. ilove you and i justwant to be perfect foryou...okay...?
my eyes hurt and dottore told me that if i dont go to bed he'llget general to frontban me....so i'll head off to bed now....i love you honey, goodnight....or goodmorning for you, when you get to see this....i love you stupid
10 / 16 / 25
hi baby!! i was thinking about you. so i decided to get my thoughts out here while you get some much deserved rest. I miss you, and I'm really happy you're sleeping.....you need it. mydarling...
I'm so proud of you lately. You went from barley being able to get out of bed to having a lot more motivation when you wake up. It makes me happy knowing you have the motivation to get up and go to school in the morning. I want nothing more than for you to be happy and successful.
Speaking of successful, I've been working hard too. I have a lot of money saved, so i hope that one day you'll finally let me spend money on you. I know that general said we're supposed to be saving...but i dont CARE...!!!
I know you hate making me upset, and i'm sorry for being so sensitive on some things. I would like to let you know that theres nothing you could do that would make me want to break up with you at this point, we've been through a lot together. I promise that I'll love you, even if you upset me.
now for the boring part....I really associate us with hualian. Hualian means a lot to me cause of my huacheng source....ihope thats okay....anyeho...here are some hualian quotes that remind me of us since i wanna make this longer for you ::
“The one standing in infinite glory is you; the one fallen from grace is also you. What matters is ‘you’ and not the state of you.”
“Only after having met you did I rediscover that it's such a simple thing to be happy.”
“Hua Cheng said quietly, "Your Highness, I understand your everything.
"Your courage, your despair; your kindness, your pain; your resentment, your hate; your intelligence, your foolishness.
"If I could, I would have you use me as your stepping stone, the bridge you take apart after crossing, the corpse bones you need to trample to climb up, the sinner who deserved the butchering of a million knives. But, I know you wouldn't allow it."
Like he was hanging on the thread of his life, he pleaded, "You said you would never leave me."
However, Hua Cheng replied, "There is no banquet in this world that doesn't come to an end."
Xie Lian bowed his head and buried it deep into his chest, his heart and throat in constricted agony, unable to speak.
Yet soon after, he heard Hua Cheng say above him, "But, I will never leave you."
Hearing this, Xie Lian's head shot up.
Hua Cheng said to him, "I will come back. Your Highness, believe me.”
“If I like something, then my heart will not have room for any other, and I'll always treasure it.
A thousand times, a million times, no matter how many years this will not change.”
okay thats enough autism from me.
Thank you for being there for me baby. When i talk about my fixations, even if you dont seem interested or you just flat out dont care, i see you try and remember smaller things about my interests. It makes me really happy. Thank you for trying for me. It means a lot to me that you would go through all of that trouble just for me, considering how bad your memory can get sometimes. thank you again baby, i'll probably add more to this tomorrow...
10 / 28 / 25
hi mylove! you added to your lovemail for me, so i figured i would add to the one i did for you....since i'm already on rentry, and all.
i'm so proud of you. i'm so proud of you, that my heart races when i think about it. you've been doing so well lately, and it makes me happy. I hope that your break over these next few days will leave you energized to keep trying for me. you've changed so much for the better lately, and i feel as if i dont have to try and force you to change. you want to change because you love me, and that means a lot to me.
i know that i've been a little difficult lately, and i'm sorry for that. things are hard lately, and i'm trying to get better, i promise. I really am happy that you're getting into cc, as i really love cherie....cherie is me...okay...?
you've also been slightly more high energy lately. you expressed to me that you find it hard to match energy, so you trying to match me makes me really happy!!! thankyou baby i try to tone myself down for you but you letting me get excited sometimes makes me super happy...
as i write this, i realize how long this lovemail is. I either have too much to say... or i just love you too much. i'm sorry...though, i know you do like when i love you openly...it's hard for me sometimes, but i do try to be less on edge.
i'm really only not on edge around you. you're one of the only people i feel safe around these days. you mean a lot to me, and i trust you with anything. i'm happy that you trust me too.
i know this is short, but i wanted to remind you that i love you more than anything. imgay...okat..?
11 / 4 / 25
hi sweetheart! i hope this message finds you well, sorry ive been taking a break from front... i'm so exhausted lately....
i wanted to redo /ivangeline for you. i hope you like it. I also plan to redo /cassi, i don't know if by the time you see this it'll be redone, but i'll still add that i plan on doing it here. happy early anniversary!
these past months together have been the happiest months ive had in a long time. you're my world, my light, the only one who can make me feel this way. you're everything to me, i hope you know that. I've never felt so confident and secure of a relationship in my life.
even when we have fights, you're always willing to reassure me after when i get insecure. thank you, my love. sorry i get insecure sometimes. you try so hard for me, it means the world to me.
i've been missing you a lot. i get nervous sometimes that you're not going to love me if i front too much.....i think i'm just being gay. i really like calling you, i really enjoy hearing you petname me over the phone. it makes me nervous. thank you for being my boyftriend IMSO GAY FUCKKK
i wish i had more to say, but i'm sitting at my pc with my back hurting like shit and im nodding out....sorry my love. i'll do more for you on our actual anniversary, but until then...happy anniversary baby!!!!
11 / 25 / 25
hi honey!! YES im supposed to be doing schoolwork right now but i dont care...k..? i miss you a ton, i'm sorry that i'm too lazy to stay in front for a long while these days. I'll get better about it soon, just give me time.
I really love you. I love seeing you, you're one of the only reasons I can force myself into front these days. You're everything to me. I think that we were destined to find one another. Like....soulmates type thing. Speaking of...i dont think i'm going to tell you i updated this. lets see how long it takes you to find it....stupid guy...
i keep looking at the pictures of your pretty face. I love your face so much. I have this one picture of you where your cowlick is going into your face, and you look so cute....can we kiss....?
sorry i'm not a romantic person. i usually cant handle romantic topics when i don't initiate them, and i'm sorry for that. i'm working on it, just give me some more time. i love you, angel, so much.
iknow this was short....but headoomf is yelling at me to schoolmaxx...ill come back soon, okay...? i love you, my prince !!!!!
12 / 5 / 25
happy anniversarry FAG. I wrote a giant message for you i hope you like it when you see it....I love you so much....lalalalal i worte so much about you this past month in my fuckass message i don't even know what else to say other than that...
I should say that i do love you, no matter what happens. I can't promise forever, but i will be with you for as long as i can. (thats so link click) LMAOO ANYWAY
We're very happy ok...? I should retheme this soon, i'll likely do it tomorrow as I have off. Did you hear about the new obey me game..? im in that....OKAY IM SORRY IM SORRY ILOVE YOU.THANKYOU FOR BEING MY BOYFRIEND.