back.

Sunday, June 22nd, 2025

I didn't know if I was gonna use this but I made it all pretty so I kind of have to.
UHm what do I put here. I figured I was going to like.... have existential crises on here and rant about shit I'm passionate abt but I'm feeling alright today. (lie)
I give today like a 4/10. Def not good but not bad.

Uhm this is so disorganized.
Ilmgf btw. Caed OUT!

Friday, June 27th, 2025

I have been procrastinating bad lately, and my mental health has taken a toll- evident by my constant boredom and genuine distaste for human beings. (I notice that when I disregard myself, I lack empathy toward others, as well.)

I've been made to see a lot more proship vs antiship discourse lately. It makes me upset. It is not one or the other, if you are vocally/openly antiship or vocally/openly proship I automatically assume you don't understand nuance and are media illiterate. It is true that fiction can affect reality. It is true that r.pe fantasies can help victims reclaim their trauma. Two things can be true at once. I don't like that proshippers share their stuff on social media for young people to see and think it's okay, but I also don't think it's okay for antishippers to bash people (specifically minors) for having an unhealthy coping mechanism. Telling a proshipper to kill themself is like telling someone who struggles with self-harm to kill themself. It'snot cool :slight_frown:. Insteaad of talking fervently about how much you hate proshippers, wouldn't it be much better to rant about those things in private and encourage people to seek help in a way that isn't demeaning?
I'm not really speaking to anyone right now.
Also, people labeling an entire piece of media as problematic because it has some problematic elements or the creator is a bad person is wild to me. (This goes back to media literacy) I am allowed to enjoy a show that is shotabait (cough cough black butler) without it making me a terrible person. I'm not gooning to Ciel, I just really like a lot of the supporting cast. Is that such a horrific crime?
Besides, if we were to stop consuming content because the creator is a bad person, countless pieces of iconic shows and literature would be deemed "problematic to enjoy" (what does problematic even mean, anyway?)

NOTES:
I plan to revamp this site to the /aorta theme bcs this one is kinda choppedss
I moved my extended bio to /picas. Check it out! =)

Saturday, June 28th, 2025

I talk in-depth about burial

I feel weird about what I wrote yesterday. I was defending proshippers too much and painting them as the victim. I want to highlight that I have problems with both sides, not just antishippers. After all, some ao3 tags have made me nearly throw up, and I'd consider that pretty harmful. Anyways,

Why is consuming the flesh of the people you love considered creepy?
I could talk for hours about different cultures and human disgust, but I think I understand it, now. I considered the idea of cooking and eating my cats after they die, but the thought was too gruesome to handle. I love them so much, I just couldn't hurt them. Even after death.
I still, however, favor the idea of keeping their bones. I looked it up and saw some people online talking about digging up their pets bones after they had been buried for multiple years. I like this idea, however, in my state you are required to bury dead pets 3+ feet below the ground. I wonder if there's another way to do this that wouldn't cause me pain. Then again, it's not entirely up to me. There are 3 other people who will influence the decision of what we do with the cats after they're gone.
Talking about the death of my cats is really upsetting me, so I'll move on to something similar.
I want to be buried after I die.
I'm sure the concept of "returning to the earth" isn't unfamiliar. It's an idea I really like, considering the alternative is being turned up to max heat and coming out a pile of dust, doomed to sit on someone's mantle for the forseeable future. I joke about giving my corpse to the person I love for them to desecrate, but there's nothing more upsetting to me than having parts of my dead body removed (subtext: I don't want to be an organ donor.). I want to be buried whole, to have all of me rot together. I don't know if that makes sense, I feel like such an edgy teenager right now. I am, but it's still embarrassing to confront.

When I write these, I want it to feel "deep," I guess. This is a place for me to openly share thoughts and feelings I would seldom describe in such depth to other people. I also just want to document my feelings. I think writing this personal is very telling of how someone's mental state is, which is data that may help me in the future.

Cade OUYt!

Sunday, June 29th, 2025

Bad day

Saturday, July 5th, 2025

bro I keep starting entries and then never finishing them.
hi! I is 1/6 thru the month and I have not started cleaning my room. I am extremely drained atm & I started playing yttd that's it idk. I want to use the rest of the summer to consume a ton of peak media because I get horrible fomo. I want to be in the know!
I went to see fireworks with a few friends last night. The fireworks were really pretty but the hang out was kinda boring. It's fine. To be honest I'm feeling like I want to ghost everyone for a few weeks (that's no good, is it?) I want to be in the company of people but I'm too tired to have conversations.

I JUST REALIZED IM DIRTTT POOR NOW
ok so who wnna commission me. PLEAS. ANYONE.
it is too late in the summer for me to be employed god please let me find a stable income

there was a topic I wanted to talk about but I already forgot. This is really messy and kinda stupid but I just wanted to update this anyway. I might come back and add more later in the night.

Sunday, July 13th, 2025

NOBODY'S ANSWERING MY CALLS. NOT A SINGLE SOUL. AAAAHHH NOBODY CARES ABOUT.ME NOBODY WOULD NOTICE IF SOMETHING WAS WRONG NOBODY NOBODY NOBODY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH........................ WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO...................................... I CANT HANDLE IT

Monday, July 14th, 2025

Everything turned out okay.............................. mostly everything.
I have quite a few friends, but not a lot of people that I actually enjoy spending time with, I noticed. Not sure what to do about this.

Tuesday, July 15th, 2025

I played Roblox with some randoms today. It wasn't that fun.
It's stupid, really, how little I have to show for the almost 16 years I've spent living. I'm not very talented, I can't take care of myself, nd I hardly passed last school year.
I wish I could stop going through this draining cycle of feeling like I can live peacefully and then going back to suffering, over and over and over, it's like I'm being mocked.
I wish I could do away with it all.

Wednesday, July 16th, 2025

I made a new friend yesterday. Yay! Cal is really awesome I hope we get the chance to talk a lot more.
Bros before hoes or something. I've been seeking the same type undying bond as when slayers first got together. I'm not sure we could be that way now, considering how different everyone is...
Maybe I should stop chasing the past. But where do I start?

Friday, July 18th, 2025

I've never truly loved someone before so it's no surprise I'm having trouble adjusting, but as someone who truly and honestly loves them, I should be happy that he's happy! And I am! And I always will be no matter our circumstances! I love her, that doesn't have to be romantic. I know I'm selfish, but this is how I truly feel.
I'm not going to fix things by being desperate, either. The best I can do is let go. If something happens with us in the future, that's great. But it's also fine if it doesn't happen.
Besides, school is starting up again soon, so once I put my energy into that, I'll have no time to worry about trivial emotional matters like this.

Edit

Pub: 16 Jul 2025 00:59 UTC

Edit: 18 Jul 2025 16:30 UTC

Views: 71