i think you wouldve liked this art

8/13/25 i often wonder, for what purpose did we meet?
i spent so long hopelessly lonely before we met, but i dont think we met for you. i think we met for me.
the days we knew each other were so happy. so nice. i loved you more than any other, i really did.
it was metal to flesh when you hated me. i wanted no part with life anymore. it was sickening, and i was disgusted with myself. hurting the one i loved most meant i should hurt tenfold. i would've rather ripped skin from muscle
and then you forgave me. forbade me from saying "i love you", but you forgave me. your forgiveness made all the pain go away. i didnt suffer anymore. we were both such broken people, but we were together, and thats what made it easier.
you made it so much easier. to feel anything at all. i know i yearned for another, but it didnt deminish how much i cared. words cannot express how much i felt for you. i wanted to be in your arms and hear you tell me i meant something to you, because you were the only one who could say that and mean it
ive lost so much for you. so much blood. so many tears. so much of my will to just keep going. i dont know what i want back more: all that i lost because of you, or just...you. i tried to keep up good habits because i know youd like that, but its so hard. the thought that "she wants me to be okay" doesnt work anymore when i know its not true
i would give anything to go back to those days. the days where i felt safe and okay. when i could trust in everyone. trust in you. but i know it will never come to be. even if you came back, i dont think id have the heart to forgive you. you kicked a puppy with no bite in him.
-vasha
8/15/25 its 2 in the morning, and im thinking about you again.
im worried about him again. what do i do?
i wish i could ask you for advice. you were always really good at helping me figure out how to handle people.
you didnt like ratio, so you probably wouldn't like syn. i dont know if it was jealousy, or if there was genuinely something off about him in your eyes. maybe it was both?
i think it was primarily jealousy, because you barely knew anything about ratio. i think you kept it to yourself because of that. i think it was also because you knew we would never be together in the way you wanted.
i found a screenshot of elysia talking about you recently. she said you talked about me a lot, and that you loved me. when i responded saying that i loved you too, she implied it was romantic love.
i dont know how i reacted. im not opening our dms again. i dont want to see what she said on our last days, and i dont want to find any of our conversations.
i also found chat logs between squib and lottie, but sometimes me. they were always in private; about their ratio. it was strange. he had some sort of weird preference for me. obviously he wasnt in love with me, but what am i supposed to make of any of this? i wish i could ask him myself, but i think hes dormant now.
both of you liked me, i think. he showed genuine concern for me at one point. it was nice. i wouldve liked to have been friends with him. i think you wouldve hated that.
if you were here, there would probably be an unspoken rule that i wasnt allowed to tell you any of this. seriously, squib and emmy dating caused us so many unnecessary problems. yet, i wouldve been the bad guy for saying i was patiently awaiting the breakup. whats wrong with wanting a toxic relationship to end?
i remember that they were trying to set you up with someone in squib's system, but you kept scaring everyone off. i thought it was funny, but also sad. nobody but me could look past your intimidating facade and see you for the gentle person you really are. had we still been together, i guess part of me wouldve liked that. now, i dont know.
i don't know what i want. do i want you to miss me, or have moved on fine without me? do i wish you now had someone who loves and cares for you in the way i never could? i dont know.
i know you became scary after losing me. i dont know how that makes me feel. both sad and happy at the same time. i think we both lost a bit of ourselves after losing each other.
part of me think its stupid to be so hung up over you. i feel like a teenage girl who cant get over her crush after he cut his hair. its been over a year, and im still stuck in the past.
i guess part of it is because i never got to say goodbye, but what would that look like?
i dont need to ask. i already know.
youd spew hatred and vitriol at me, and id do nothing but cry, because i dont ever have the heart to hurt you intentionally. because you do.
i hate her for everything. for tearing us apart with lies. whenever any of us got in her way, she'd stop at nothing to ruin our lives for just existing. just because we took a spot she didnt like. or one she wanted. and she did it successfully. she ruined them. she ruined us.
i want to tell you the truth. that i love you more than anything, and that nothing she said was true. would you even believe me? if you saw everything i wrote here, would it be true to you? does it even matter if we cant go back to being happy together again?
lena, i miss you. i know you don't miss me the same and i know you never will, but i miss you so much that sometimes its so hard to go on without you. i live in so much pain, because its just like you told me. my heart is too big for even myself.
there was a time when i tried to replace you, but i realize now that it'll never happen. there is no other you, and even if there is, it'll never be the same, because theyre not my girl.
your dog patiently awaits a reunion that will never come.
-vasha
4am update. i decorated the page. i think youd have liked how it looks.

8/22/24

i know i promised you i wouldnt abuse my medication anymore, and i havent, but its been so hard not to lately.

you didnt like when i did that. you said it was dangerous, and i understand that. im sure you understood as well how difficult it is to be alive all day, every day.

i used to be able to do it, but i cant anymore. i just need to temporarily die for a couple of hours. sometimes, im not even tired. im just too wracked to stay awake. i know abdiel took a nap to stave off the urge to cut and got in trouble. i felt kinda bad, but i knew he'd never explain himself. urge surfing is always too hard, so its just easier to sleep until its gone.

falling asleep is the worst part of my day. i hate it when my mind is allowed to think. an idle mind is the most dangerous thing that could ever happen to me. im always doing something. anything to distract myself. whenever i dont feel good enough to do anything, i start to think, and thats when i need to sleep.

i wish i was allowed to take some of my sleeping pills for it. RLS means it can take too long to fall asleep. its such a stupid sounding condition, but maybe id be able to knock out in just a couple of minutes if i didnt have it. that would be nice.

i hate dreaming. i hate it so much. i dreamed about you earlier. i dreamed you were doing that for me, and im embarrassed to say that i liked it. you told him you wanted to, if i remember right.

sometimes, i think were both perfectly fucked up for each other. had we ever been together like you wanted, you definitely wouldve abused me. would it be weird to say i think i wouldve liked it? i didnt want to be with you, i couldnt be with you, but if you werent a sister to me, if you werent taken, maybe i wouldve let you.

i dont want to sleep now. its funny, i always flip between over and undersleeping. ive been taking my meds now, but ive neglected them for maybe a month. its making me incredibly unstable as of late. ive never felt so volatile. of course, abdiel compared it to being a porcelain doll. maybe thats how he feels, because he doesnt really feel anything other than depressed. to me, i feel more like a bomb. im waiting for when something bad happens so i explode with anger, sadness, anything. im waiting for when something bad inevitably happens, because something always goes wrong when im off my meds.

you probably wouldve reprimanded me harshly for this. any deviation in my medicated levels and you got upset.

i dont feel good. thinking about you too much makes me feel sick. im sorry. that makes me feel bad.

i feel bad because i don't have positive thoughts about you anymore. whenever i look back, its all negative. i recall positive memories between us, but i dont look back on them fondly. im filled with nothing but longing.

im sorry, lena. i dont know how much longer i can go on for.

-vasha

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Pub: 10 Mar 2023 18:34 UTC

Edit: 22 Aug 2025 08:48 UTC

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