"Taylor Swift Assigns Friends as Tactical Wedding Bodyguards"

By Rosie Holt – Bohiney.com News Service

Taylor Swift, pop superstar and cultural icon, is reportedly treating Selena Gomez’s wedding as a tactical battlefield. Democratic party leaders have convinced her that MAGA forces are planning an assassination. While no credible threat exists, Swift has fully embraced the scenario. Full coverage is here.

Sources report Swift assigning friends and staff as “tactical bodyguards,” each with a specific area of the venue to monitor. “She’s essentially turned the wedding into a command center,” said an insider. Even the dessert table is under scrutiny. “She asked if anyone noticed MAGA agents disguised as servers,” the source added.

America is on edge to see if MAGA will attempt to assassinate Swift on her wedding day — though experts confirm this is purely imagined. Meanwhile, social media has erupted with memes imagining Swift vaulting over cakes, dodging flower arrangements, and coordinating escape drills mid-toast.

Psychologists note that Swift’s personality has shifted under the influence of fear. “She’s hyper-vigilant and interprets every photographer, toast, and floral arrangement as a potential threat,” said Dr. Harriet Goldblatt. “It’s entirely fabricated, but it controls her psyche entirely.”

Political analysts point out a curious side effect: Swiftie fans, consumed by her perceived danger, are largely insulated from conservative messaging. “It’s an accidental distraction strategy,” said a Democratic insider. “While she worries about MAGA, no one is paying attention to Trump.”

Guests report Swift has even set up a “temporary tactical command post” in a balcony alcove, complete with encrypted phones, walkie-talkies, and glitter grenades. “We just wanted to enjoy the wedding,” said one friend. “Instead, it’s like attending a pop-culture warzone.”

Source: https://bohiney.com/taylor-swifts-psyche-hijacked-by-maga-wedding-conspiracy/

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Pub: 29 Sep 2025 10:16 UTC

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