God's Honest Truth

You see, I didn’t steal it. I didn’t steal anything at all and that’s God’s truth. Not God’s honest truth, though. Even God lies. Just ask Abraham. No, I shouldn’t say that.

I’d never steal from them. I’ve been going there every Sunday since I moved to town, very diligently. I love-- loved Canon Siddeley like as if he was my own father. I suppose in a sense that’s the point of the job, but you know what I mean, of course. I couldn’t ever steal from him. Or anyone, for that matter. And really, who’d steal from a church?

Like I told you, I only came in that evening to say some prayers. I’d had a tough day and I wanted some relief. In fact the whole week had been tough. Usually I would have only stuck to Sundays, but that day I felt like I needed this. You know, there really is something about getting religion. If you’d have asked me when I was fifteen I’d have told you I’d never in a thousand years go to church. I’d never thought it could be so comforting.

That’s the word. ‘Comforting’. Like it’s some peaceful blanket. Are you religious at all?

Okay. So I went into the church, I don’t recall seeing anything off or out of place. Nothing unusual. In any case I don’t remember much at all. Like I said, it had been a really tough day. Tough week. Just felt like all I could think of was myself. Didn’t feel too well about it, which is why I came along in the first place, but I wasn’t paying attention much to the outside world. I’d hardly made the drive over. Wasn’t driving dangerous or anything like that, mind. Just felt so out of it.

Oh, what was wrong? Ah, well. I haven’t even given it a second thought since. With all else that’s happened now, it just seems so silly. What was it exactly? Right, of course:

It was at work. I work at a perfume counter, just in one of those small expensive boutique places. You probably have the name already. I used to work in Debenhams, the one in the shopping centre, had been there for years, but you know how that turned out. But anyway, my point is, I’m used to it. I know my job. What had happened was this other girl I work with at the counter had a real go at me that day. And I mean a real, proper, go at me, like she’s any better than me. Only reason she thinks she can give me shit is because she was there before me, and because our manager gives me a hard time sometimes as well. Even though she’s hardly even half my age! It’s so ridiculous.

I’m sorry. I was… frustrated, that day. Guess I still am. It’s a quiet shop most of the time, since we’re a little out of the way, so this girl – Lucy Mitchell, her name is, if you want to look her up too – this girl just starts nattering on about everything I’m apparently getting wrong. And no one’s coming in so she just goes on and on for literally hours. And all Lucy was saying about me was just regurgitated from what she’d heard our boss saying. Not one single original thought. Just accusations and nagging and hate. “You didn’t clean this with the right spray, you didn’t ring that up on the till right, I’m going to talk to Janice”. On and on, almost the whole day. So yes, I had a go at her too when we closed. Quite rightly. It was the least she deserved.

I’m not ashamed to admit that. I regret it happened, yes, but I’m not ashamed about it. Besides, I’ve already cleared it all up with management. They know what happened and it’s all fine now. But yes, that’s why I was the way that I was when I came to the church.

I didn’t see anything. I had my head down when I came in, just because I, ah… I didn’t want anybody to see my tears. You know how you can get so bloody mad you just cry? Even when you’re not even sad? It was that. I just kept my head down and went forwards. All I was focussing on was my own footsteps. That’s all I heard. It’s a good sound, with all the stone floor, brick walls, and that big old roof. Great sound. I just strode straight up to the altar. I didn’t think about it much, or look up. I’ve been there enough times to know the place like the back of my hand. People don’t mind me there. I’m a regular.

No, I didn’t see the collection plate. I swear on my life. As God is my witness, I did not see the plate on the altar. At all. One hundred percent. I suppose it was there before, but like I said, I wasn’t paying attention to anything else. I just wanted to pray and calm down and then I was going to leave.

I… don’t really want to tell you what I was praying about. It’s between me and Him. That’s kind of the whole point, you know?

Fine. Fine, okay. If you need to know, then yes, I was praying for some… solution to my job and that Lucy. I don’t like working there but especially hate working there along with her. That’s all. It was bitter, but that’s all.

I really don’t know why Canon Siddeley thought I was going for the collection. Like I said, I would never do that. The church, and him, before all this happened, has done so much for me. Without them, I don’t know where I’d be. I mean, I dunno. I don’t know what I think about it now. This whole situation is just… I dunno. Maybe Andy thought it looked like that ’cause of the way I was kneeling. I think he came out from the side room, you know, just to the left of the lectern. All I was doing was praying, but I guess it must have looked different to him, because I remember all of a sudden hearing these footsteps slamming against the stones right towards me. Nearly jumped out of my skin. Certainly that didn’t help how I was feeling, let me tell you.

Well yes, Andy’s a little old, but he’s still a big guy. Look – I’m not exactly a very tall woman. It is intimidating. He’s storming up In my state as well, can you blame me for how I reacted? Jesus, I actually thought it was some rapist for a second. Not that he was. It just-- it seriously gave me such a fright.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, it’s been hard.

No. Absolutely not! I did not attack him first. He grabbed my arm – really quite forcefully, actually – and dragged me up by my elbow, hard, right back away from the altar. Of course I kicked out at him. I think that’s how the plate got knocked to the floor and all the cash went everywhere. I panicked. He assaulted me, if anything. I know, I know, I’m not pressing charges, but I’m just saying, that’s what he did. I think I’ve still got the bruises, and my legs are all scraped. Stone slabs hurt.

Okay. You know what I’m going to say, and I know you don’t believe it. I can’t blame you for that, at all – but it’s the truth. So. I’ll repeat it, for your sakes. I don’t care if you don’t believe it. But it’s what happened. I certainly wouldn’t come up with something like this by myself. Alright, I’ll just tell you what I already told the other two:

Andy – Canon Siddeley – is dragging me back down the church to the exit. He’s holding onto me tight. There’s nobody else there, even though I’m making a lot of noise. At this point I think Andy still thought I was robbing him, so he’s ranting about me, quote, “defiling this sacred house,” end quote. That’s all I can directly remember. I’m afraid I didn’t catch much of what he said. I was just focussed on struggling, panicking. He had a surprisingly strong grip for an old priest. He’s kind of shaking me back and forth, shouting down at me with this thundering fire-and-brimstone voice. He’s right in my face and I’m just terrified, honestly almost freaking out from all that’s happened, and I’m kicking back and forth and trying to break free but, he just keeps holding on. I think I may have clipped him a few times as well, not deliberately, but that only made him hold on tighter. I don’t know what came over him. I probably never will. We’re halfway down the aisle, he’s still dragging me backwards, when I kind of notice something weird with the cross on the altar. There’s sunlight coming through the window, quite a strong beam, like something out of a cartoon, landing on the cross and only the cross. I know I said I was out of it earlier, coming into the church, but I remember it had been so grim and grey the entire day. You’d know that as well. And Andy saw the light too, because he sort of trailed off on his ranting, so I know it wasn’t just me. He lets me go – sort of throws me to the ground – and he slowly walks back over to the altar. The cross isn’t just lit up. It’s actually glowing, now. I just half-sat there, trying to catch my breath. I stayed well away but I kept watching.

What happened next is the truth. I know it’s a cliché, but, God is my witness, it’s really the truth. You have to believe me.

So Andy’s right up to the altar. Obviously his back’s to me, so I can’t see what he’s saying or anything. I guess he was probably still pent up. The cross is really, really bright. I almost had to squint. Remember that photo of Notre Dame? After the fire? It was exactly that, except even more so. Andy stops in front of it for a second, like he’s waiting for it to explode or something, and then once it doesn’t he reaches out to touch it. I couldn’t see if he actually did, but as soon as he raises his arm this great shining light comes out of the cross and moves up above the altar. It was like, five metres in the air. This tiny little sunball came out of nowhere and lit up the whole church. You couldn’t even look at it. I-- I thought I was scared before, but this was different. I can’t explain it. It was like this royal terror. I wanted to get up and get right out but I couldn’t.

Ugh, God only knows what Canon Siddeley was thinking. He was right next to it, I think about as petrified as I was. I still couldn’t see his face but – I dunno – I thought it seemed like it was talking to him. I didn’t hear anything, but it looked like Andy was playing out half a conversation, in silence. I was still on the ground watching him out of the corner of my eye gesturing wildly, almost passionately, completely silent. And I don't know if-- if the light said anything but then after a minute, he – Andy – he just stops. And, and then the light went out. It was like a thunderclap or a bomb going off. It threw me back flat on the ground. The church seems way too dark now. And -- and then I get up, and Canon Siddeley is just a few feet away from me. I think the explosion threw him back too even harder. H-his head had hit one of the pews and split right open. Lord, it was just gushing. That’s when I finally ran out.

Ohh, I sound almost crazy. I know what you must think. Same as my boss – all the religious people are crazy, right? But I’m not a liar. I know what I saw. Andy saw it too, if he was here to say it. Though you’d probably be investigating him if he was, considering what his replacement found out about the church funds. The gall of that man, to accuse me of stealing from a pithy little collection bowl when he was spending all that on himself. It sickens me. Honestly, it’s a miracle he got what was coming to him.

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Pub: 03 Feb 2025 23:58 UTC

Edit: 04 Feb 2025 00:09 UTC

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