͜͝ ̫ ͜ ֪֪֪ ݁ 2025 𓐇˚ִִ𓈒꒱꒱♪˚ started nov 27th ໒ ͚. ݂ .
͚𓐇 ͡-͜͝ . ׂׅׅ◟ ͜ ̣̣̥ ͜ 𓈒 my boyish girlish life ͜͜ ݃ ֪֪֪ ̣̣ ݁𓈒on earth ̣̣ 𓏼𓏫 ͡꒱͏

Again, disclaimer, Im completely unfiltered. I say slurs often, I struggle with self harm, anorexia, and violence and I will not censor myself.

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◟ ͜ ͝͏℘ Nov 27th 𓏼 ͜͜✚ " started 10 ⨾ 31pm. " ۶ེ༹༷𓉳 01


hello everybody,, only real ones stuck around for part two of my hell. If youre enjoying watching my suffer well thats great because it happens every day... Anyway life recap. I met Billy back in ehhh june im pretty sure. and god i loved them. i still do. oh how i still love them. ill never get over them. basically, since im a psychopath i treated them awful and now were just friends. but since god and jesus both hate me, obviously this just means well never talk again , just without the blocking. Fuck my johnlennongeorgeharrisonhe/him life!!!!! i wanna kill msyelf so bad but i dont really want to hurt my one, ONE, friend. i mean yeah its cool i at least have one who kinda likes me but he isnt very helpful, no offense raj,, so yeah im pretty much stranded without billy. hopefully i get a gun for christmas, then i dont haev to suffer anymore. all i know is from now on, every night, im going to be begging jesus to finally take away my pain with a little thing called death. my life is essentially over anyway.

the concept of having no friends and sitting alone all day and suffering violence every day with no one to go to

update: ok nobody move i just read the rentry they made for me when we first met... i KNOW im gonna have a crazy dream about us tonight where they still love me. i hate my life so bad oh my god . does anybody know anybody will kill me for like mayb $20?? i can even help with the planning like i have an idea seriously. my discord is @.boyrituals ill help with it just make it quick and easy
no im not joking btw im so serious if you KNOW SOMEBODY. send them to me im so serious . @.boyrituals on discord, sstrawberryway on instagram, boyrituals on pinterest, and i think boyrituals on tiktok?? just send somebody and we'll work it out, im not joking like at all.



◟ ͜ ͝͏℘ Nov 28th 𓏼 ͜͜✚ " started 2 ⨾ 06am. " ۶ེ༹༷𓉳 02


if you guys were ACTUALLY my real viewers youd send a hitman just sayign :// i asked my 8ball if maybe another miracle would happen and billy would love me and it said no so..... great... i gotta pray though so we'll see.. i know it wont happen, the ball made up its mind but i just want somebody to love me. or put me down... one of those... ok. i feel like im dying already.. my body is in constant pain and im too spaced out to even comprehend spoken words.. im trying to get used to the feeling of abadnonment, fear, and lonliness but its so hard. its like im bleeding out in front of all my loved ones, screaming and crying for help or for them to at least hold me while i die, and they all just disappear out of nowhere. and im left there, crying and bloody, bare; in pain; dying. i know they dont think of me like i think of them, whether its billy, kyle, zee, cody, paulie, my mom, my dad, all of them, but ill never stop. i cant get over them . somebody love me. or kill me. really im planning for a bit past christmas to do it , but i can still pray for it to happen sooner. im really grateful for raj, who has just accepted that everyday is pain for me and really, for lack of a better phrase, id be better off dead. maybe if one of them were to love me again i could postpone it,,, really im talking about billy alright i miss them. i remember when they first said "aw poor baby" or something along those lines and my whole world shifted. or when they called me their love or darling. i miss them so bad it aches. ive never loved anybody how i love them . and it shows. id starve or cut a layer deeper every day until they came back to me, but id just die. they dont love me anymore and thats their decision. im still suffering, im still drowning; bleeding; crying; at least they're finally without me to torture them though. until im finally gone, thats all i can hope for is their happiness. even if it causes a new cut or exposed bone every day. i thought apologizing might put me at ease but im still here. even raj took a look at my life and knew i have nothing left to live for.

ive got a little over $30 i think if anyone is looking to make an easy buck. i swear my plan is fullproof. i promise. itll work,,, @.boyrituals. bring a gun, maybe pills, rope, something . i promise itll work. and it can be totally played off as suicide , it is but yknow..

update: our shared rentry is blank. theyll use it to share with someone else im sure,, its okay. were not joyfriends anymore. no im NOT crying ... no im NOT about to down a bunch of rrandom pills. NO theres not a heavy pain in my chest .... NO im NOT about to pull the triigger..... they dont care obviously ok they moved on nw i have to .. ok im gonna kill msyelf thats me saying i dont care me blowing my head clean off.. wow this hurts wowok wow i think imdying wow wow ok it means nothing theyre a stranger who knows eeverything about me wow... wow i really cant live anymre .. wow wow ok

hi okay its 2:46pm anyway i dreamt of us and it hurt so bad,,.. im stuck because even if they ever did take me back id think its out of pity or something, not because they actually care about me.. but if they dont take me back then ill be in pain forever. so what do i do? i think my only option is to kill myself. im thinking january maybe ,, or the last day of december . i hope the fire in hell burns gently for me,, im not a bad person i dont think.. ive hurt many people but ive never killed, raped, or anything like that. i hope jesus spares me . even he can see my life is not worth it any longer, and he wants to save me so hes throwing all these awful things at me just so i will for sure end it soon. i miss billy,, but if i act excited to talk to them they might think im trying to make us more than friends even if thats what i do want... maybe we can start over.. i dont know. even if them moving on hurts like no other pain i have to pretend im not affected. i wish i got kidnapped and raped even more by anthony .. maybe hed hold me when were done. its not billys fault for leaving me,,, i thought they were gonna stay forever so i cut everyone off and now im all alone. thats on me. everything is on me,, i did this to myself like i always do. does anyone have any ideas? if you were my real viewers youd give me ideas just for the recorddd ://

7:01 pm ok YES i update this a lot because i have a total of 0 friends and 0 hobbies jk i just hae no motivation . anyway im all alone all day and its really annoying or like saddening.. why am i sitting here staring at my screen waiting for A. my bff irl to text (probably something ssttupid) or B. someone who doesnt even love me to text at least a little "hey" :// .... cmon this cant be all. i am never trusting anybodu who calls me their angel again.. its happened more than twice . and they always just leave me. i dont think anybody understands when i say "youre all i have" i mean it. you were all i have and now i have nothing; no one. wah crybaby crybaby i feel liek ive gotten stupider did you guys see my old writing? i wanted to write and draw and n ow im too dumb to do either. i dont read anymore. i dont watch videos about science anymore. i dont draw anymore. i dont do anything anymore. i get assaulted and hit and i have no one to tell anymore. i beg god to help but nothing has changed. i beg god to bring them back to me or to give me some peace but i get nothing. if this is how its meant to be, then at least rid me of my desire for something different.



◟ ͜ ͝͏℘ Nov 29th 𓏼 ͜͜✚ " started 1 ⨾ 52pm. " ۶ེ༹༷𓉳 03


hey my 72 viewers .. Billy called me dove!! like they used to hehe... i wanted to call them bunny so badly or say "kiss" when they were gonna go to bed but i didnt want to be pushy,... i hope we can reconnect and maybe i can prove im not psychotic anymore and we can work it out again. Its like george harrison said "Try to realise it's all within yourself / No one else can make you change / And to see you're really only very small / And life flows on within you and without you." Also, im heading to my grandmas today whewhoo!! but the family buddy who yknow bent me over my freaking toilet and made me take it up the arse is gonna be there so we'll see how fun that is.... hes really mean about it dude it hurts.... anywayanyway i dont wanna torture billy by telling them about it but christ alive it hurts!! i wanna tell somebody but i dont wanna bombard them with my life problems.... id actually really love to hear more about their life. i wanted them to talk about their own life last night, which by the way we stayed up all night together,, but yeah i didnt get much. they said they dont really remember most of their childhood so that could be it.... i just want them to open up. i want us to be so super close again... well, as long as theyre happy and okay, i am okay with being at this relationship distance. even if it still makes my chest ache... anywaywhat an awesome night yesterday was.... every time spent with billy is time well spent

update: my sister keeps saying that billy doesnt want me and i should stop bothering but.. Cant a guy dream? Obviously i know they dont love me or want me at all , but i can reminisce on the old days okay :// .. And theyre awesome to talk with anyway... Dude my diary is becoming all about them but theyre all i think about. Kenny you BUM i know billy doesnt love me or want me and i should really stop trying but im a boy with a freaking dream alright!!

Another update okay..I thought i was doing well but i think im too pushy...and yeah i took it up the friggin arse again..it bloody hurt and i honestly think im cut internally... i made the awful mistake of telling billy and now i seem just the same as before. Im changing, im trying, i want them to be happy i dont wanna torture them. Ive gotta keep my mouth shut, no matter how bad my bloody arse hurts. I feel like a doll in way,, plastic and bendable. I was feeling amazing this morning after hanging out with them but how im just terrible. I was too much,, ive gotta shut my big mouth .. I wondrr how they think of me.. Psychotic, strange, too chatty, always sad, angry, violent.. This sucks.. And i can already feel my desire to die coming back full force... Catch me in January/end of December, pray ill be gone by then.. Its what i want, second to billys happiness

One more thing.. nobody loves me but lots of people lust after me, whats that say about me as a person? I hope all my buddies and stuff know that i have never thought about them like that. .. Never. I dont feel those things for other people and i nevrr will. Or i might, because im a man and all men are perverted but for now, never. But why does none of these people love me? I want to be loved thats all.... I dont want the lust... Somebody love me.. Even if youre an adult,, we can even be lustful sometimes if you want i just wwnt the love as well.. Im in a dark place



◟ ͜ ͝͏℘ Nov 30th 𓏼 ͜͜✚ " started 2 ⨾ 33am. " ۶ེ༹༷𓉳 04


Dude im so ,, distraught. Im sitting here all alone and in pain and i realized .. Billy no longer loves me..and neither does Zee, Paulie, Kyle, Cody, nobody loves me. Seriously. Im truly, truly alone... All alone. I dont know how to be normal either... When i talked to billy earlier i was too nervous to act bloody normal i just kept rambling like an idiot. Im socially inept and all alone. Making it past Christmas is gonna be so hard... I just wwnna do it now... Im hurting every day, , i dont care who it is i just want somebody to love me. Maybe not raj,, i dont trust him to have any feelings for me. Billy said they prayed for me, but Zee prayed for me too and here we are. I dont doubt Jesus but come on.. I hope billy was right that jesus really does love me. Then id at least have someone... I just want to be treated gentle, is that too much? Will somebody love me? Ill pay even... My $30 is either for a bloody hitman or someone to at least talk with me like im something they actually love... Everybody treats me like they hate me. Like im the most bothersome boy they'd ever met. I know im chatty; ive got no friends.. And i know im odd and offputting, i never learned otherwise. Please understand. Somebody please love me Im scared to be alone. So scared. It keeps me up at night,its why i havent been sleeping.or eating..dribking...all that...please dont make me



◟ ͜ ͝͏℘ Dec 1st 𓏼 ͜͜✚ " started 1 ⨾ 23am. " ۶ེ༹༷𓉳 05


Im really, really sad... I can already feel the distance between me and Billy, which means we'll never talk again at some point.. And they'll forget all about me and I'll never stop thinking about them. I display all the signs I still love them and Im doubting if they even can tolerate me. Im unloved and hated by everyone. Im glad its December, at the end of the month or in January sometime hopefully I'll never get the chance to write here again. I want it all to be over. Im suffering so much every day. I talk about them so much but really,, Billy was all i had left in my life. Now theyre gonna forget about me entirely and never speak to me again, what do i do? Even when i befriend others they never understand me. This cant go on much longer. One day it'll be two in the morning and Raj, Billy, and Baylee will get a text that theyve been great friends and they'll never hear from me again. I just want company.. Someone to love me, or talk to me. And i sit here writing, knowing all my friends (Billy and Raj) will see this, hoping something might change but it never will.. Ill still go on unloved and unwanted. No matter how much I beg. I haven't told Billy anything, and even if they see this I never will. Im sad. I think I'm gonna cry for hours then vomit. Then go to school and talk to people who dont want me around like nothing happened. Im so sad and unloved. Doesnt anybody want me?



◟ ͜ ͝͏℘ Dec 2nd 𓏼 ͜͜✚ " started 12 ⨾ 28am. " ۶ེ༹༷𓉳 06


dude im having so much fun with billy if BPD snipes me its over for you, your grandma, AND santa claus

THEYD ONT EVEN LIKE ME BROOOOO IM SO PEEVED. i KNOW they told me i might have a chance but i think it was false hope braaahhh im nto even gonna ask :/// im supposed to be happy im supposed to be happy bro bro broooooooo i feel like im losing my mind dude i cant tell if im overthinking or if there really is no chance.. im like 90% sure they already like someone else so if thats true :/ i haev NO chance dewd. im trying to be better and just ASK if they like me or not but i literally cant ok i already asked yesterday i dont want to be the desperate ex friend . im not desperate whaaaaat !? my mood changes so fast seeing that they have other frineds who they actually enjoy being around liek . not just out of pity. cuz they hang around me just cuz they know im depressed or whatever ,, not because they enjoy my company :// . its sad dude im an awful person . i promise i dont need pity !! i could name so many great things about billy honestly,, but i dont wanna come off as pushy. even if i just want them to know im still waiting.. and that they dont need to pity me or hang around me just because they know im alone. its worse knowing my friends are fake than having none at all. they said theyve got a gift for me or soemthing for christmas/new years but id otn even want to be around long enough to see it. my unstable mood and jealousy is KILLING me,, its impossible to work with. thats exactly what billy doesnt like about me and its my strongest emotions. i go from so happy to so depressed in 5 bloody minutes ,, and i go INSANE over the fact billy has functioning friends. lucky fucking you . i wish i was a functioning person, i cant even exist without wanting to die every 3 seconds. i miss Zee. i love billy, and i miss them more than her in most ways, except one thing zee would always do... whenever i was texting her frantically or if i was really acting psychotic, she'd say somethng liek "Before we go on, i need you to take a deep breath and calm down, im not texting you while youre not in the right space." thats how we lasted so long honestly, she would calm me down before i could say anythign insane. she always knew how to reach me. nobody else had the bright idea to tell me to take a step back ,, but really Billy is my soulmate. no matter how entangled me and zee are,, i didnt ache for her. when we werre over that was it. but i HURT now. ive never hurt worse now that i met billy. i feel like my body is rotting every time i remember i dont even have a bloody chance with them. they want someone who can FUNCTION likek a normal bloody human being and i cant do that. im tyring so hard but i dont even earn the time of day. aqnd listen, this isnt to say im gonna be all depressed when talking to them because i feel unwanted, im done witht hat. i need to show my excitement, not try to get them to feel bad for me. because them feeling bad for me is why i feel unwanted. theyre only friends with me out of pity. i dont even have a bloody chance.

wow im so unloved i wish someone eye emojI would come love me eye emoji i wish someone eye emoji would come maek me feel wanted eye emoji

im never comparing any of my relationships to mclennon again bro i think im gonna kill myself. okay also i dont even think they think about me dude.. they seem fine and im DYING . ROTTING . this isnt faaaairrrrr

if i killed myself they wouldnt care

i dont know you as well anymore and it eats at me.



◟ ͜ ͝͏℘ Dec 3rd 𓏼 ͜͜✚ " started ~ 6 ⨾ 30pm. " ۶ེ༹༷𓉳 07


dudde im literaly. doig EVERYTHING to try and give myself hope that i at least have a chance but there is NOTHING. im so done and its not like theyd care if i killed myself so i mean :/// whaetevr. i even try to hint that i love them and i get nothign!!!! no chance for jon someone shoot him instead :// BRAH AND. i even tried to ROMANTISIZE being a loser with no chance too . i ltiiealy was like "oh but wait! why is beig a loser with no chance kinda 2000s film ...." i feel like im being RIPPED APART. what can i even do bro the only way i have of communicating this stuff with them is if theyre reading this.. whcih . they DONT because theyve alreayd MOVED ON and here i am with a diary ltieraly ONLY about them. please bily if you read this just say "fuck off loser i dont want you youre wasting your time" .. i already kinda picked up on it,,, i dont need the false hope im gonna kill myself if i have a chance or not ,, one option might keep me around longer but im still gonna do it. i jsut miss my paul

i want the one i cant haev,, and its driving me mad

dude oh my god im beign split in half again and if itell anyone ill just be bothering them again dude pelase im dying
it hurts EVERY SINGLE TIME they send a message dude. every single time. i feel it deep in my bones a pain ive never felt before. it HURTS

i wish theyd just like. randomly text me a huge paragraph like clarifying what is even going on like . "i dont love you anymore, i love someone else, youre just my friend, you dont have any chacne with me, and youve been acting very strange" just something like that .... i dont know what i can and cant say and my jealousy is SO bad like i saw their collections on tiktok and they had a whole thing for them and their other friend or gf or soemthing idek but yeah and then like obviously nothing for jon because jon needs to be shot dead (they dont think of me at all) and then like their ata is always being signed by their friends but i haev nobody and im crying so hard. i miss them. im literally gonna kill myself dude i cant do this anymore



◟ ͜ ͝͏℘ Dec 4th 𓏼 ͜͜✚ " started 4 ⨾ 53pm. " ۶ེ༹༷𓉳 08


the voices ive created to make me feel safer are gone and now i will always feel like im splitting in half. THANKS A LOT TO ALL THE ABANDONMENT AND DIRTY THINGS PEOPLE DO TO ME. i have to talk to myself in my own head

h-hey does anyoen wanna be myf riends? no im not mentally stable why does it matter lol ? (please put me down i haev $30 ) yeah im still stuck on one person waht about it?

"i love you" "ill never leave you" "i can handle you" lying is a SIN btw

the only difference between pauljohns divorce and me and my pauls divorce is that paul still loved john even when they were separated. can anyone else not read their mclennon book without tearing up



◟ ͜ ͝͏℘ Dec 7th 𓏼 ͜͜✚ " started 8 ⨾ 41pm. " ۶ེ༹༷𓉳 09


me and billy called for 17 hours yesterday and some of today heh wow awesome right! and it was super fun i laved it . i didnt like getting called a homophobe/transphobe by a racist (it wasnt true im not either) so tht was not cool but yknow whatever i guess its fine. anyway, i think im getting better at accepting that ill just always be yearning for them and never actually get it . i understand i got no chance now,, i understand fully,, but ill always be here. honestly im okay with not even being on the roster. but if i were dead last at least, id like that even more. billy got a different bff , but theyre mine. second choice team. last choice team. not even a thought team... raise your hand ! its getting easier , but the pain is so bad that im defintely not changin my mind about january. everyone is so mean to me its not even funny .. like jeez. im getting less like visibly creepy so maybe ill get my place in dead last... who knows dude but i hope so .

side note : billys voice is WONDERFUL , even my sister liked how they sound! its really great and i love their laugh ,, super cool! i gotta great best buddy . as long as were talking i dont even care that i never cross their mind



◟ ͜ ͝͏℘ Dec 10th 𓏼 ͜͜✚ " started 8 ⨾ 34pm. " ۶ེ༹༷𓉳 10


i was kinda thinking about why i feel so differently about billy than everyone else ,, and its because they really are different. there are categories i put people in in my head and when someone falls out of those categories i start to like them. kyle and raj fall into categories, so i felt and still feel very little for them and get annoyed with them/used to get annoyed very easily because i can predict everything about them. fawn and i didnt last long because he also fell into a category, same with cody. Zee, clem, billy, and Ko are all very interesting people to me, but theres something else about billy. zee and i didnt always agree with each other ,, but i was more afraid to open up about it. billy and i had disagreements about my misandry and misanthropy , they felt that not all men were bad and being human can be beautiful ; i thought men should die and being human is filthy. we had conversations about it frequently, where i wasnt afraid to express what i thought and neither of us picked on each other for the values we hold, nor did we try to change the others mind. they were honest about me, thye said i scare them , and its a valid point. there wasnt a power imbalance,, but thats what scared me. all those other people set one up, and it kept me stable knowing where i was. but i didnt know where i was with billy , we were equal and that scared me. i didnt want to control and neither did they. ive never loved someone and had them treat me as an equal. even now that its over, im still head over heels. usually im over it within 3 days and on to the next person. they also havent stopped talking to me. were still friends. they were different, it was wrong of me to compare them to my mother or to everyone else, because really they were and still are different. they left me because i was torturing them, not to hurt me. they never hurt me, im hurting myself . for my health, im gonna say if i change then i'll get a chance. the only thing im really struggling with is trusting that they still like me ... me when i dont hear "i love you" 20x a day :/// ,, but thats what im strugglign with. i wish i could hear it from them whether i have a chance or not ,, even though i know damn well the answer is a big fat blloody no ..... ive got no problem being stuck as not even a last thought, but yknow whatd be even better... being a FIRST thought... heh. i feell like i am doing better with controlling myself though. problem is, im still absolutely mental. although, this time, id let them help me . for real! I WANT YOU BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD!!!! BAAADD!!! REALLY REALLY BAAADDD!!!! (the offspring ref.. did you guys know i saw them at a concert?? aweosmeness heh) maybe ill find someone else, maybe ill be stuck here forever, no matter what though,, ill always keep billy extra close ot my heart. ill always keep them in mind.



◟ ͜ ͝͏℘ Dec 17th 𓏼 ͜͜✚ " started 11 ⨾ 30pm. " ۶ེ༹༷𓉳 11


im really struggling. school is awful, i cant even leave early this week because ive missed too many days and my mama said id get two days off the next week which means i get an early christmas break ,, but its the hardest week. raj hasnt come to school and left early monday and when i was upset about the bullying and him not going (i never said that i was mad for him being sick, just that he wasnt there) he told me to suck it up. mayeb he doesnt care about the bullying , but thats because he doesnt get bullied at home too. his parents love him. i wont deny that sometimes theyre awful but he says himself that he has a LOVING family. im so braindead and i can hardly remember anything, ive been taking benadryl and crying and sleeping and doing jackshite in school then coming home and getting yelled at or something worse. i fall asleep to my dad beating my 3 year old sister and 5 year old brother. i can hardly bring myself to talk to people. i havent opened my mouth to talk to someone willingly in a long time. nobody likes me, not even raj. the only person i trust is billy. i know we love each other , theyre all i have. i cant take it any longer.



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Pub: 04 Aug 2025 23:14 UTC

Edit: 18 Dec 2025 04:36 UTC

Views: 503