dates are written in dd/mm/yy because im european

01-07-2025

(Listened to a Goth Playlist for Baby Bats while I wrote this.)

I'd like to start this off with a thank you to Sekido, one of my headmates.

Long before I even knew how systems worked, around 2022, he had formed. I had no idea that I'd developped a facet due to the stress I was going through. School was tough for me, I refused to do my work, I didnt show up most days because of an undiagnosed condition that still currently impedes my NEET life, I had very little amounts of friends and acquaintances, and I was pretty suicidal. While I'd love to glaze Sekido and say he helped me, he did kind of give me homicidal idealations. But he also made me feel like I had a real me. This is before I even knew he was separate from myself (Mel), and I felt like I finally had something more to my personality than my interests. I had developped anger. An anger that could part tectonic plates and cause waves.
At this time, I hadn't discovered Kimetsu no Yaiba yet, so younger me thought of this new anger as being Shadow Bobblehat from Coroika. Which makes sense, because she's also always angry. (Not to mention that Sekido is a double fictive, meaning he is also Shadow... But he takes shape of Sekido most of the time.)
Thank you, Sekido, for keeping me company. For being there when I couldn't keep track of myself. When I was at my worst. You're the best, and I'd love for you to be able to talk to our friends directly, but you did sort of call me a slur you couldn't use. Work on that and then maybe you can hang out with them more?

My brother is the best !! ! He's fun to talk to and realized his plurality way before me, so if I have any questions, I really can go to them for help. I think I play favorites sometimes by accident though. I know he said Half-Rimz was upset for a while because I paid more positive attention to Avery. It wasn't on purpose, I do still care for them. I hope she knows that.
Jovicon is funny and I like them. It's one of our clonelings, being a clone with my Sekido and Karaku !!! I made a moodboard for Jovi once, as a joke, to get them to front I think...
Jovicon moodboard
I use the wrong pronouns on it a lot, but it's just because I'm used to most (if not all) of the 13th using he as at least one of their pronouns... Jovi probably doesn't take it to heart though, I think it understands my slipups. I wish Karaku wasn't just a facet, that he was a multiple-type headmate, just so I could actually give Jovi someone separate of me to have as a cloneling-- since Sekido is mostly banned from talking.

Guard and Monika are both singlets, but I'm so glad they were understanding when I told them I was plural. They don't really know what it means, but I'm glad they could accept me. I wasn't expecting them to come after me or anything, Guard is too chill to do that, even after everything I've done that could anger him, and Monika is... Well they're queer and mentally ill enough to accept things about identity and mental health. Plus, I taught them not do be mean to cluster b people so double win ^_^

04-07-2025

(Listened to KIDNAMEDFINGER and They Found A Complexity In Me And Cared So Deeply while I wrote this.)

Uesterday i did something stupid haha. Miiightve been immature towards a random on ponytown because they seemed to have been mean to a friend of mine... Only to find out they weren't being mean :/
I'm. Too embarrassed to apologize to the person themselves rn even like 24h later....
At least my brother didn't get that mad at me!!! ! Like he did but not very very mad

i'm tryna communicate with my headmates but it doesnt help that theyre super quiet :( Asking questions is HARD !! The only question I ever want to ask is "why" but now i have to ask "whatcha think bout this !" and actually use my brain smh... But Sekido is now UNBANNED from talking! he just has the equivalent of a leash backpack. it would be a spongebob one but I don't think hed let that happen hehe.

Finally did get to show Mononoke to my brother btw and he seemed to like it! I didn't hear some of the things he said at first but he got interested methinks... I love mononoke. Kusuriuri likes it but hes quiet so I dont know how to get him to come out. he barely stayed conscious when I put it on :( BUT! I got Konan to separate from me and she is her own fictive now! yayyyy! hashtag real konan naruto shippuden! if theres one thing I know ab fully separated her its that she misses Nagato. What a shame. I doubt ill ever get to introject him because I dont have many conenctions to him outside of her... sorry konan girlie ... in tha meantime I hope she gets along with Sekido and Kusuriuri... Maybe I should use willo guides to get these guys to stop being so quiet ?

I've also been working on my KNY oc!!! A bit scared I'll form an OCtive but I doubt it. Stargirl isnt much like me for now. I dont have a name for her even tho ive been working on her for months but like ... I don't speak japanese so I can't really make a name too easily... siiigh what a pain !!! I need to combine star (星, Hoshi) & daughter (娘, Musume) ... Or maybe child (子, Ko) would work better? Hoshiko? Kohoshi? Maybe I should just make her a foreigner...? French and English are far easier for me... :sob: I'll just go with Hoshiko for now, since it doesn't seem to be a word.

06-07-2025

(Listened to 2YR, 40:28.649)

Today, I played roblox with monika. For a little while. They hopped off after an hour to go eat, and didn't tell me they were too tired so I just kind of sat there waiting for another hour. I wish they'd tell me when they wanted to stop so that I wouldn't just be waiting like a lost puppy.

10-07-2025

(Listened to i can't wait to be sad and alone on the edge of the universe)

not much has been happening.
Asphodel is becoming semiformed, that's great for him. Sekido can finally have a clone, who isn't fully part of me.
But I can't help but feel empty.
It's not like Aizetsu was a big part of my facet selves, he rarely fronted. But I feel like I'm less of me. Less of what I was. Less of what I should be.
But now, he can watch over me, like Konan does now. She's not out often either. I love them all, so much, but I can't help but feel like I'm being avoided, even if I know I'm not. I should sleep this off... It's just like when Sekido fully formed.

12-07-2025

(Listened to Locked into Phantasy)

My brother accidentally got a Yushiro headmate. I now synpath Yushiro. It's funny that we're eachother's favorite people. Thinking about Yushiro's potential for BPD coding makes me look back on times I freaked out. Split? Maybe? I'm not sure. I didn't hate him, I think, well actually I barely remember how I felt. I can't remember anything, really. My emotional memory is trash.
But I remember one time when my brother made some friends, he just casually talked to them, I stayed away for some reason. I'm guessing it's because I got awkward and shutdown on them. He left with his new friends to go to party island. I cried for eight hours that day, over him making friends and not including me. He didn't even talk to most of them that often, except for one, I think, who he's still somewhat friendly with now.
It's so weird to think about.

13-07-2025

today i lashed out at my mom. she was talking to me while drunk and i started having a mental breakdown. i should talk to my psychiatrist about this on the 15th even though I know i'll be too scared to. i need to get a therapist or a psychologist to talk to before my obvious undiagnosed post traumatic stress actually kills me. i dont want to be the blanket anymore. i hate it here . i want to go dormant and never come back to reality . but my innerworld doesnt work like that. my headspace doesn't even have an appearance . and my headmates will miss me. i want to go home.
i'm sorry konan. i can't calm down.

14-07-2025

wow that was emotionally packed . i dont want to go to that petting zoo tomorrow considering I know I'll be exhausted and in a ton of pain. I have an appointment then too. She doesn't get it, I'll try to talk to her directly about rescheduling at the very least.
She agreed and is now drinking wine on the veranda again. kill me now. sekido please take the reins I need you to throw that fucking wine glass into the yard I am NOT qualified for the job I want to go home

21-07-2025

its been a while im still not dead but like watever. not much happening. burps
i just heard her turn on her speaker like she does when she goes drinking. kill me now

11-08-2025

i havent heard from my headmates in a while and i'm starting to worry. i'm at my dad's place right now. my mom got evicted on the 7th and i dad to come here. i have so much to clean up. so many dirty clothes. i should go for a walk tonight, it's too light out right now and too many people would see me. i don't want to be seen irl ever again. i'm horrible. i'm disgusting. how'd i get this far?

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Pub: 25 Jan 2022 17:16 UTC

Edit: 11 Aug 2025 18:03 UTC

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