Katukiti (Kityy) R. Keller
39 yrs old
I saw an alligator in my dream last night. That alligator dream was with me all day.
My bedroom was alive when I woke up. I could taste what I did as I left it to walk to the restroom; still a wasted mess from last night. The energy felt the same as it did more than twenty years ago.
Like running away from a series of violent crimes. As I scratch my head about it now, I think about things like identifying marks; who that alligator was; the perpetrator. Me? Or is it her? Her, lying on my bed, once again. With my semen spilling out of her onto my sheets. Like blood. I knew someone was hurt. That guilt was shattering.
Trauma they like to call it... Maybe I'm one of the dumbest Hawaiian men living in the west coast. I remember first seeing Lexi at the last party of high school.
Lexi was apart of the school "it crowd" and I was popular for no reason other than I could mingle with anybody. You will understand better in just a little bit. My looks were interchangeable. Never the odd man out. Guess it helped that I was on the football team. I played when, my then, un-diagnosed bi-polar disorder switched "on" all the way.
Lexi had tried to get my attention all senior year because we were in the same class. I remember dressing for that party. I remember the icy cologne I wore, the compliments I received, the approving looks and gestures. I was so absolutely ready to party that night.
It was on a hot night, and I can also perfectly recall the light clothes I wore. Sweet drinks all around. The walls were smokey from all the drugs and the cigarettes. There was laughter all around me. Bliss over every soft surface. A soiree a la Honore de Balzac.
Those looks of her's were penetrating all year. I couldn't feel alone. If I tried hard enough on a single day, I would be confronted with her eyes gazing back at me from...somewhere. Shadowing after me like a stoat. My flesh and my bones in her mind's cross-hairs. She had been chasing me since we first met.
I would hang out and a few of my buddies would notice her passing by. My friends suspected she was doing it on purpose. One look at her among her friends and I could spot her averting eyes, or spot her sidelong glances as she swept on by with three of her girlfriends.
I never understood why I gave into her that night. I passed everything that year assuring that I had my summer off. Then there was that party at a classmate's house. I can't even remember who she was, or her name. I just remember fucking Lexi that night. Max and I had just gotten back from California.
I had returned from San Francisco a week earlier so's not to skip graduation. I saw Lexi at graduation, but could only think of him. Max had stayed behind so as to divert attention. On his first day back from Cali, Max gave me some shit to snort from a mirror in his bedroom counter.
He snorted so much more of it with a twink we would fuck later that night. I had never fucked a woman, nor wanted to. It was mine and Max's secret. Max was a psychopath drug dealer and I was his partner. And yes, we were gay lovers. Fucking a woman was taboo for us. An absolute crime.
To fuck a woman was like being raped. The alligator in my dream...Yes, scratching my head again! Max and I could finally get away. We were both eighteen. We now wore our marriage vows with bands on our ring-fingers. Just outside of our small town we had been married. The church, honeymoon. Everything had gone as planned.
Max's big ol' house was just about as good a place as any to finish consummating our love. Our plan was perfect in a way. Max had once been an athlete. Maybe could have gone pro, once. He was criminally stronger than all the other football players. But Max couldn't keep himself in check with coaches, much less with teachers and hardly with me, later on.
This is probably why I cheated on him with Lexi. Max's father had gone pro as a football player but he moved around in a wheelchair. He lived in denial about his son. Max would always tell me that he always considered himself "trashy" because he was: promiscuous, dangerous and liked doing drugs a lot.
I guess he started liking that more, and more; considering what he was turning into. Maybe Max was just an addict in general. One of his nicknames during his brief glory days as an athlete had been "reality" 'cause he couldn't stand to lead an average, boring life. He had to really feel everything. That's a turn-on for normal people.
Max's whole family had not only been living in denial about his gayness, but his criminal life and his sociopathy too. As I remember it, I didn't quite hate myself enough to get kicked out of every team, like Max. I was just guilty of loving someone who did. I would have killed for Max.
Max's friend had excused himself and gone off to the bathroom. The twink had been a rising porn star in his twenties. Max and I often snuck into the local gay scene. Bars, red light movie houses, clubs on the outskirts near L.A. We saw him once or twice in the flesh. He worked in Los Angeles.
He would talk about the movie playing down the street where people hooked-up. He would say it was one of his. All of the the fags in the local scene worshipped him. Max had fallen in lust with him, apparently. The twink looked like a girl with long brown hair.
I can remember hearing the door slam as I snorted my second line. Max had followed him in there, probably intending to fluff him up. My rage was digging a hole in my insides but I ignored it, began dulling it. Pretty soon the TV in Max's room looked like someone was switching up all the channels.
The door in Max's room looked like it was far away and changing colors. Actually, the room itself felt as if there were cameras around us. Recording. I always was a little paranoid but this time I could see the cameras. A beautiful hallucination. A damn near perfect one.
I told Max I was beginning to freak out and we started swallowing benzos by the handful. I remember that a rival drug dealer gifted Max three grand worth of one milligram benzos. At times it was like the twink wasn't there at all. Like he disappeared, or was himself, just a hallucination.
"It's fucking strong, Kityy! Powerful!!"
"Don't call me Kityy!"
"Okay, Ronny! Dee Duu Ron, Ron...Ron"
I kissed him so hard feeling his tongue twirling inside of my mouth. His tongue's tip was darting against my tongue. The adrenaline made me so high. Like tasting the warm afternoon drizzle somewhere. My mind began to race and feel like it was out of context with this world.
His eyes were so manic as he helped me get undressed first, so quickly —and I let him. I then undressed him with so much class. A complete gentleman. Even folding his clothes and walking to the nearby night stand nude where I neatly stacked them. Waves of calm began to sweep over us as those delicious pills set in and we looked at one another, nude.
Both of us. Kissing passionately. Passing a bottle of vodka in order to not get too relaxed. I felt as if the gas pedal was floored all the way. I was flying in a drug womb of bliss; enjoying Max enjoying me. What we had learned from the language of doing drugs together is that you are not as fucked up as you feel.
This time was very different than other times. I saw the twink nearby smoking a joint and adjusting an imaginary camera.
"We fucking to that song?" I asked,
"Don't you hear? The one fuckin' playing!?"
"I hear it now, dude. De doo run run?"
"Yeah, Max. Yeahhh, when he walked me home. Yes, my, oh my!"
"I'll fuckin' jerk you off when I fuck you..." Max said, helping me get on all fours on his bed. He quickly began fixing himself in me. Be My Baby repeating again, and again. Our moans were tuning out the song. Rabbit love evident in the writhing and helpless fury. It was pure, absolute joy.
I remember seeing the beautiful faces smiling at me under the light just before shooting my sperm across his neck. One of the hottest memories. Grunting. Fucking. Jerking. Spunking. Laughing. Giggling. A passionate love-fest. Max and I held each other in our warm bed. It was paradise.
I could hear the twink snoring under us, sleeping on a mat. It was about 9:30 A.M. and I kept getting a texts from Grace saying that Lexi was going to be at a party that night. There was a camera on in front of us. Max had it in facsimile, filming us.
Guess the other cameras were in my imagination. I wasn't going to attend but I felt gross inside for being apart of Max's sick new schemes. I texted:
Me: So, Lexi will b there? @ this "amazing" party?
Gracie: Yes. But ppl are talking about you...
Me: What are people saying?. I quickly responded.
Gracie: They are saying you like her
....but you're too afraid to do anything about it.