⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ⸺ㅤㅤ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐤𝐚𝐬𝐭

11.12.2025

I am so genuinely very lonely. AGONIZINGLY lonely. Sure, I like to be alone every now and then, but I don’t particularly enjoy being isolated.

I dunno. I have a really hard time making friends, obviously, but I’m still really grateful for the few I have right now. For reference, I currently only have 2 super close irls, which includes my brother and my best friend (who’s mostly online), and about 3 online friends (it is difficult though because I’m unsure who considers me their friend and who doesn't).

Ah . . as I might've mentioned, I've been socially isolated for ≈4 years now so I’m still learning how to be properly social, I suppose? Uurggh, I hate how dry and weird and awkward and uninteresting I am. (Is that why people don't talk to me..?) I still don’t know what it’s like to be comfortable around others, honestly.

. . I’m quite avoidant and thus struggle with contacting people. I have this apparent tendency to project my insecurities onto others, such as “excessively worrying about being a burden (when attempting to contact someone)”.. Something like that, okay? I’ve gained this sort of “no speaking unless spoken to rule” (both online and irl; this just means I don’t talk / msg first) that pretty much stems from that avoidant nature and feelings of inferiority. It is so hard for me to reach out to others without feeling like an inferior burden, no matter how much reassurance I get—I genuinely don’t want to bother anyone. (Also, kind of stupid of me, but I just don't know when most people are available/okay to interact, you know? Like . . what if I unwittingly message someone while they're on a DNI status or something?? I'd rather not take my chances and bother them further.)

• Yes, I understand that friendship is a "two-way street", but fuck man, I just can't do it. I'm forever an insecure hermit.

Even then, I truly do want to make friends. Like, real friends—friends who don’t mind my stupid bullshit flaws. I just want more people to talk to everyday, you know? I want to be able to connect with people on a more personal level, not just as a mere online mutual. I wish people would tell me about their days or something. I want to create things with others. Idk, I'm rambling.

There’s a few certain people I definitely want to be friends/frequent acquaintances with, but I fear their hearts are already full, meaning they have no need for me at all. Actually, I get the sense that most people’s hearts are already full and they’re not looking for any more friends. Also, who the hell would even want someone like me in their life? I'm a fucking loser!!

. . I feel like I kind of exist for people, but these days are so lonely and boring. If there’s no one in my life, then why do I exist? I’m so full of envy. All I want is to be wanted as much as I want others.

Basically: I’m a very shy, insecure, lonely, avoidant introvert with who wants to make more friends despite struggling to message first.

01.14.2026
I seem to be an ever-changing mask with no face underneath, or a mirror that feels lost outside of others’ reflections. This perpetual masking and mirroring has caused a significant identity fragmentation and diffusion to the point where I get stressed thinking about what my own personality even is . . It’s as if I can only sense my true, authentic self when I’m completely alone or something. It's sad, right?

It’s sometimes deliberate, and sometimes not. When interacting with me, I’m most likely masking and/or mirroring to some degree; I usually end up tailoring my persona for specific situations, environments, and people… you know, like a chameleon. I think I tend to determine who I am based on others’ reactions to me (even then, my damned inferiority complex is persistent no matter who I’m with).. Forever and always a fawn.

01.16.2026
I have a difficult time vocalizing my thoughts (putting them into words), the like. So many things in my life make me feel genuinely, hopelessly trapped, and THIS is one of them. I could sit here and write a thousand sentences describing how I feel and what I think about something, and not one of them would be completely accurate. MAYBE this has contributed to my chronic masking and mirroring, huh.. Like, I’m so bad at words that I have to "copy and paste" them to seem coherent. OH, and MAYBE this is also why I take so long to respond to messages (besides my obvious avoidance and social anxiety).. It’s not that I don’t know what to say (for the most part), I just struggle with wording things and I guess it takes me a while (days at the worst) to come up with something both substantial and comprehensible. I do feel quite guilty and ashamed for taking so long to respond, and I also know my constant apologies get annoying after a while.

01.27.2026
Home life kind of sucks right now

06.29.2026
Not looking forward to the future. I'm scared because I really can't see myself having one. I guess this means I have to fulfill that prophecy lol. Everything is falling apart around me and I can't stop it !!! I wanted to commit suicide at 18 , but oh well !!!!!!! Ahhh , I don't know what to do. I was fine when I started writing this but now I'm kind of panicking and I need to escape , oh God. I'm trapped ദ്ദി ( ᵔ ᗜ ᵔ ) Fuck. I really need to die , everything is hopeless fuck