hi ♡ this is my personal lovemail page probably dedicated to one person in 95% of the length of this rentry.
I feel like writing this stuff >3< so sorry for grammar haha
to my, genuinely the dearest, xanㅤ♡
• Genuinely saying, everyone needs their own xan. Like I do, really.
This guy has changed me not only as a person, but also taught me how to perceive some kind of stuff differently. I swear, he's been with me through so much. We know eachother for around a year and a half, and we met eachother through a stupid pixel game about horses, which soon turned into my absolute daily schedule. During that time, we didn't talk alot. But with weeks passing, we finally started to talk daily. And I know people change over time, but I can't believe how we've changed this extremely. Looking at myself from these times, and looking at myself now - two different people. Two different Orphs. And of course, my enviroment back then also was changing me alot. But I believe, and will continue to do so, that you, xan, have changed me the most. You were with me through my worst times, during an absolutely awful summer last year, awful autumn and constant anxiety-filled winter. You never gave up on me. Ranting to you about the same situation over and over again to cope? You didn't leave. Ranting about the same ex friend I went and I am still going through a friendship breakup with? You didn't leave. Going through my absolute worst, acting like a jerk and neglecting you completely? You still didn't leave me. I fear I do not deserve someone like you. Unfortunately, I believe I am a hard person to be with. I can act like a complete asshole at times, mostly caused by my own problems I can't bear with. Yet you still keep being as understanding as you can, and the patience u sometimes give me feels suffocating in some way. You give me so much of it in such a positive way that I feel like I can't appreciate it enough. Even though I sometimes don't show it, because I do tend to get upset with you over some of your behaviours, as well as you do with mine. But I feel it's right. That it's right to feel like this. I believe that's what makes our relationship healthy, we can learn about the behaviours we despise in eachother and hopefully change them for the better.
What am I proud of the most? That I also was able to help you. I helped you change your enviroment from one that I fear would crumble you completely, helped you meet people you love the most these days. I managed to help you get out of the toxicism you experienced on a daily basis last year, and I'm so happy you didn't decline my help when I tried to convince you to let me help you, to let you open yourself to new people, new stuff. That's a thing I will be always proud of. Because I would never dare let you get into that kind of enviroment you were last year ever again. Looking at you from back then, and looking at you from now, I am so proud of your progress. And I am proud of YOU the most. That you managed to go through this, with me alongside you. And I am so happy I could be with you when you were at your worst, like you were with me.
Xan, during all that time we knew eachother, I never felt like I would lose you in any situation. I never felt you would leave me on my own, if we for example: had an argument or fought over something that has happened. And yes, these situations happened. But I am so glad we both know how to talk about it. My old enviroment and my old experiences taught me how to deal with these, which I am grateful for. We can both, together, polish our relationship with small steps. Of course it's never gonna be an ideal, but that's not what's the most important. What's the most important, for me, atleast - is that we both feel okay with eachother. Is that we both know how to find a way back to one another when we are separated. And I love us for that. I love our bond and how strong it is, and how it survived even the absolute awful times.
Not only that you're the best best of the best friends I have ever had, but you're like my favourite hairtie, a daily cup of my favourite juice flavour, my sketchbook which i absolutely adore. You're like a shoulder I can lean on, of course a best friend, and definitely - a partner, my other half, and I believe that there was, and there is no one like you in my life. I have hope we will be able to meet up as soon as possible, due to us living in different voivodeships - I would really love to take you to that Katarsis concert.
What else - you help me heal the scars that have been on me for months, years. The way we heal eachother with only being with eachother is enough for me to be sure that you're the one I would do anything for. Even though my personality sometimes can not show it - this paragraph is the evidence of what is in my mind. And trust me - it's all genuine. I love you, xan*. I adore you, even. Maybe it's too much to say, but I am devoted to you. I will never forget the way you made me feel, the way you make me feel and hopefully will continue to make me feel the way you do.
• I love you.
*ㅤ-ㅤI am unfortunately a lithromantic. My feelings may fluctuate when in a relationship. I regret stuff in february/march between us went like they went, but I feel now, they came back even stronger. And I am so, so sure of them.
btw our stuffㅤ;ㅤ1ㅤ2ㅤ3ㅤ4ㅤ5ㅤ6ㅤ7ㅤ♡
underline are the stuff most dear to me.
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other people I am so grateful for.
scythe, fri, zack, shu - even though we do not talk on daily basis, you guys are SO important to me. Literally my siblings right here. I love you guys 😢 you guys are like family to me, family bonding