Parts of us

Parts of us
Anon
This is post-suicide cluster ending/neutral route. Basil and Sunny have both died by suicide, and Mari is still believed to have killed herself. I love Kel.

I. Brother -- One week later
There are brothers and there are baby brothers. Kel's darling nature greatly lent himself to the latter. He and Hero had become fire-forged over the last four years. They had feared each other, fought each other, said cruel and horrible things, and wept together. Hero at least had always been affectionate, never afraid to share a smile or a hug or kiss, but now they knew each other in life's winter. Hero's perfect shell had been peeled back to reveal the wounded, struggling creature behind the perfect grades and easy smile. The limits of Kel's optimism (his failure to stay friends with Aubrey, Sunny, and Basil by sheer force of will) had been exposed. The imperfect parts of their relationship were still being papered over. Kel still struggled with the nauseous feeling that occasionally set in when he thought too hard about being the inferior brother. Hero's inner fragility, the pain that caused him to abandon the children who thought of him as an elder, the pain that incited him to attack his baby brother, remained suppressed in his heart.

One suicide scars a mind forever. Three suicides deconstruct people. Kel had been doing so WELL. He'd never brag, but internally he had been glowing with the private satisfaction of getting the band back together just in time for Hero's return. While he was inspired to take initiative for personal reasons (specifically, the sad thought of Sunny leaving without a goodbye, or a thank you, or a good luck), the idea that he had been instrumental in arranging the sleepover at Basil's house that everyone was enjoying secretly tickled him. Two people died.

People in mainstream culture do not talk frankly about suicide. Attaching the notion to friends and family members is scary. Suicide, like AIDS, Cancer, and car accidents, happen to unfortunate people on the news. In a dark bedroom, through a steady trickle of tears, two shattered brothers break the wall. They make a pact to never do the unspeakable. They never use the words "suicide" or "kill yourself", which hurt too much. They opt for the implications in the phrase "won't go". Just one person who "won't go". Hero resolves to reach out to Aubrey and maybe struggle through it again. He anxiously searches for her in various places, but comes up empty.

II. Troubled -- Three months later
Kim anxiously taps her foot on the floor of the police station. Bubble gum hair peaks through the glass panel in the door that separates the public-facing portion of the station from the you-don't-want-to-be-here part. Escorted by a tall, firm policeman, a defeated Aubrey slinks into the lobby. Kim flies out of the chair to hold her, but Aubrey resolves not to break down here, marching stiffly outdoors. Kim has time to pivot from being relieved to angry with her. Petty theft is a way of life for the gang, but Aubrey ROBBED SOMEBODY. Kim didn't have the language to convey that they were alienated angry young people yes they still had inklings of a FUTURE. Aubrey had a FUTURE. Kim wants her THERE to see the FUTURE with her.

Aubrey keeps walking, her mind overwhelmed by the details of her friend's anger, her role in the last-chance program that will keep her out of juvie this time, and the two boys who fill up the part of her mind that tells her to be good.

III. Nerve -- One year later
Hero never really came back to this world, not really. Some part of his once grounded, wise personality had been lost to the ether. It was no secret that Mari loved every one of her friends. He didn't even realize how deeply he felt the same until so many of them were gone. Mari's death had crushed him, a heart busy learning to love rapidly sealed. After Sunny's and Basil's death, the extent to which Hero had failed to love his friends became apparent to him. But in times of trouble the golden boy becomes the good soldier. Hero dutifully returned to university for a semester that went okay. The university walls seemed to darken as Hero began to neglect his diet, his university friends, and himself. Another semester went less well. And then he came home.

Sometimes favorite children who fall apart find themselves thinking of love in transactional terms. Like big winners at a casino, they cash in a lifetime of dutiful service to their parents for shelter from the cruel world. They might wonder privately how much time they've earned. They're often surprised by the extent of the forgiveness they're given. Neighborhood mothers trade rumors about Hero the golden boy who is still living at home, now twenty, soon twenty-one. Off and on jobs. A therapist or two. A concerned but powerless baby brother, who has matured, hardened, and leveled his euphoric personality into cautious optimism.

There's not much time to be a doctor anymore. Students that don't derail finally see a big paycheck at maybe 26 (You're still not even a doctor until you're 30). Hero hands in another job application, nervously approaching what he's always wanted, but afraid the world might take from him again: a step into the world of making people food, of strengthening their bodies and souls.

IV. Kel -- Eight years later
It has been written that the first twenty years of your life, no longer how long you live, is the longest half. Kel carries his past with him every day, both because he couldn't help it, and because it gives him the compassion to do his job. Today a quiet, stiff young man is in front of his desk. Kel gets lots of regulars. Troubled kids tend to know each other, tend to stay troubled, tend to tell each other about the one counselor who at least made them feel better, even if he couldn't help in a concrete way. New faces are unpleasant but welcome. Everyone is welcome. Kel is upbeat, genuinely friendly, funny, and compassionate. He opens this one like all the others.

He tells people his job involves being paid to make friends. As the young man begins to trust the shaggy-haired man, the way the world is hurting him eventually leaks out, until it comes all at once through tears. Kel's heart breaks for the millionth time. It's the part he hates and the part he loves. He can help now. He can make a difference now. He can save other people. Like he couldn't then. Just one young person who comes to school instead of staying home. Who has a place to talk about the mean dad or the toxic brother or the empty house. Who lets him back into the terrifying world of teenagers to shepherd them through. This is what he was meant to do, he's certain. After he and the young man (black hair like Sunny's) shake hands and promise to speak again, he studies the pictures on the desk. His gentle, humbled older brother and Aubrey clad in a police uniform return his gaze.

The people we love become parts of us.

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Pub: 17 Dec 2021 09:42 UTC
Views: 463