March Competition Notes
Chains of strength: Very on theme. The pulpyness–does it work? That’s the question. I lean towards no, but that might be a matter of preference. It’s like for a serious theme and style it doesn’t take itself seriously.
Junta: I like the couple’s arguing. It feels real. And the hopelessness of Otavio being the cautious, pragmatic one when he was the revolutionary once. Reminds me a bit of a Hundred Years of Solitude.
Five steps: I like the idea here, I think it’s very relatable to a lot of us. And I like how self-contained it is. The writing does sound awkward/like a diary entry, which may or may not be intentional.
Fog of War: Another ww2 German solider story, haha. Something about this prompt, huh? I really like the atmosphere of the beginning, snow, mud, blood. Like a painting. The connection between the soldiers and the ending it brings us is a great idea but could be executed better. I think the kiss could happen as quickly as it does, given the extreme circumstances, but the transition to it isn’t quite there.
Frozen Cotton Candy Grapes: My favorite so far and the first to really absorb me of the ones I’ve read. You definitely feel “your” frustration and it WOULD be tragic if it wasn’t tragically FUNNY. I think you could bring the grapes back in the end somehow and have it be full circle and thus more coherent, but overall good job. Has heart. /pol/ in an endearing way.
M22: Agree with those who’ve said that the stylized writing takes away from the story. I like the effort to make the world m22 lives in pervasive, but I think it could be better done by contrasting a more natural prose with parts that are more fragmented. I like the propaganda parts. “You can become ten thousand spies, but remember that all are ghosts of you.” A lot of talent as a dystopia writer.
The Last Woman and the First: Very impressive to fit the amount of depth and detail into this amount of words. I like the homunculi. The type of thing you read again to get more out of.
Wotan: Wish this was worse for petty reasons lol—it’s not. Good bones, like the sarcastic narrator.
Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus: Cece is relatable with the cigarette thing. So is John. I think the early dialogue about television could be cut down a bit/detracts from the premise. A hell of a premise it is, and well-executed too. And the ending is really good.
Iteration: Short and sweet, and revolves well around the waves as a fixed point for a more abstract story. I like that last line.
Death Run: Cool concept and I like how he ends up running for revival. However, the writing leaves something to be desired. Has an unfinished quality. If you want tomorrow I can try to narrow down exactly what it is but for now I need to wrap this up.
Method of Escape: Good job with his cellmates, and the contrast between the beautiful vision and bleak reality. However, the bulk of the story doesn't tie well the ending. Even if everything else is only to emphasize the conclusion, I think it should do so by starting to show the ending in the beginning, if that makes sense. Forgive me man, it's 2 am.
Quota: I really like the beginning, a good insanity. I think the rambly style weakens when we get to the later scenes, but overall very creative.
Little Sister: lol
Chicago: Nice turns of phrase, although some of them could be incorporated more smoothly. So John Grady becomes less sympathetic, quite likely someone who serially takes advantage of hitchhikers, not a man giving into weakness and destruction this one time. Smart.
Grave for a Gravemaker: Like the ex-assassin. Something in the tone doesn’t sit right with me…as if you’d spun a wheel to get the character names and then filled out a madlibs. It’s arbitrary, like it doesn’t know where it’s going. Interested to see where it goes from here.