i tried so hard for you
i wish you wouldve realized
im to busy following after you to notice anything else
i love you so much
i dont notice the car coming.
i cannot make you understand
i cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me
i cannot even explain it to myself.
i asked what you loved most about me
you said i reminded you of something you once dreamed
i laughed, you didnt
you pulled me closer
you said being with me feels like something that should be impossible
and yet here you are
is there still time
or are we too far gone to save?
to kiss,
to bear witness,
to hear the truth,
to choke.
no matter what.
you'll never be pure again.
i have always thought that suffering is the truest art, carving you into a shape that only the void can understand
some nights, i dream that i am ash, carried on a wind too soft to be cruel, and i think, this is what freedom must feel like.
you are scared of me.
because i am big and my teeth are sharp.
but you car for my smaller brothers as if they were children.
i want to be cared for.
i am also a cat.
no one leaves a rose garden
without blood on their hands.
a man dumps the body of a girl in a ditch.
the body rots, melts into slime.
flowers pop up where the body lies, seeds fly out of the flowers, and a bee sucks the flowers and make honey.
And the family of the girl buys the honey from the store, and the family eats the girl.
mentally ill mfs when they realize they find comfort in their own sadness.
mentally ill mfs realizing it wont get better
mentally ill mfs after hearing, "it'll get better"
mentally ill mfs realizing their sadness is affecting the people around them.
consume me. feast upon the body ive maintained just for this moment
dont worry about hurting me. everything i could feel has already been felt. all i need now is the satisfaction of being your last meal.
do you know i still think about everything we did?
its not easy to forget somebody who i valued so much.
i wonder how often you look for me
do you see mine in every face in a crowd, the way i do yours?
or do you bury my memory deep down, 12 feet in the ground
just to make sure i dont get any more dirt on your hands?
silent and unseen, they passed through the trees and rocks and streams of the ancient forest.
as long as you have yourself
you have someone
im not going to be loved in this lifetime
im not going to be loved arent i?
as summer approaches from the coolness of spring
i think of a little else but you
maybe it wasnt love,
maybe it wasnt true,
yet i still think of a little else but you.
you like horror stories, dont you?
how about we write one together
how about we make you the star.
i think
i think
i think
and you dont
and you dont
and you dont
maybe if you thought more
maybe if you tried to understand me more
but thats all that is, isnt it?
just a bunch of maybes.
i never did better
i never went deeper
i never did worse
and so it didnt leave the marks i needed to prove it to myself that it was real
i dont know if it was real.
i want to feel happy being me.
nobody is coming to save you, get up.
from my rotting body,
flowers shall grow and i am in them
and that is eternity.
im not ready to say goodbye to you yet.
あなたはいつか消えてしまうのでしょうか?
(will you ever disappear?)
now you laugh and shit on my name
but someday i hope the memory will make you flinch
even though that day will never come.
in the house of my childhood, love was served in the dishes scraped clean
my mother ate last
she never told me that hunger could look like devotion
how i look at him after oversexualizing myself but hes not in the mood for that so i just feel disgusting and like a bad person
i miss everything.
i miss everyone.
even those who have wronged me.
yes, especially them.
suddenly tired of the whole thing.
im wasting my days as ive wasted my nights and ive wasted my youth.
my fathers love is a house i have never lived in. only visited.
the furniture is familiar, but i do not know where to sit.
when i knock on the door, i am afraid he will answer with silence.
afraid that silence has always been his way of saying my name.
im both the predator and the prey, ill catch myself then eat myself whole.
you.
i truely love you with all my heart.
i cant be your love cause im afraid ill ruin your life.
i wonder why you love me sometimes
i dont deserve you, my love.
as angry as i am at you for hurting me in such a way
ill always have so much of you in my heart
how i adored you so.
sorry for never being enough.
i still remember the way you looked at me last october.
i still remember the first time i saw you.
i still remember the last time it was warm to look in your eyes.
but now it all feels cold.
i am a forest fire
and i am the fire
and
i am the forest
and i am a witness watching it
i stand in a valley watching it
and you are not there at all.
and i will meet you where the sky ends,
where eternity begins.
i cannot unsee what i have seen in you.
i wish i never confessed to you
now ill never be pure again
i dont blame you, but you knew.
you knew, you didnt care, and you choose anyways.
i remember now
i remember why i always continued to choose you.
my vision may get foggy,
but i see everything i loved about you,
everything around me.
i am the dog whining at the door for your return.
i pine for your affection,
for your attention.
but i am ignored.
my tail between my legs,
i whimper when you shout.
any lesson you refuse to lean will repeat itself until you change.
i understand why people take flight from bridges,
i understand why a girl holds a blade to her wrist,
i understand why a grown man cries counting all his lies.
what i wish for the world to understand
is that in these fragile moments,
patience and love are needed most.
this is not poetry.
i am begging the stars to give me a reason to keep looking up.
in the ruins of my dreams, hope lies like a flightless bird
flight deprived, wings clipped by the very hands it saw as home.
i hope one day, we meet again.
by the pond that we played in as children
we're different now, i know.
but its the same pond,
and i still love you like i did.
have i lived enough?
i dont know, it feels like it.
i dont want to live anymore.
so i sit and wait like an abandoned dog waiting for its owner
impatient, restless, and forever waiting.
he doesnt remember the night i broke.
the specific one.
but i do.
i remember how the light looked when i realized he'd never see me the way i saw him.
i remember how quiet it got after.
this too will pass,
but can i last until it does?
rabbits dart away at the smallest sound,
but if your patient enough,
they will let you close,
trembling in your hands,
fragile and unsure.
i have so many questions
that cant be answered
i am frightened by the stars
and their endless number
i am bothered at the fact that
the world doesnt understand mercy.
i was always taught to love with the kind of hunger that makes you sick,
but no one ever warned me that love like that can make you forget how to feed yourself.
i never hated december so much,
and ive never known my father to have a soft touch.
used to being pushed so far with the arms that are now around me felt even more bizarre.
"animals dont behave like men" he said.
"if they have to fight, they fight, and if they have to kill, they kill. but they dont sit down and set their wits to work to devise the ways of spoiling other creatures' lives and hurting them. They have dignity and animality."
i want to become one of the stars
you kiss the back of my legs and i want to cry
only the sun has come this close
only the sun.
even though you apologized
your words are still in my head
and they will continue to haunt me.
the dawn has never looked more beautiful.
please dont get bored of me like he did.
i kneel into a dream where i am good and loved
i am good.
i am loved.
my hands have made some good mistakes,
they can always make better ones.
i long to be playful with you,
but you have hurt me too many times to forget.
all we've got is a precious knowledge of self-destruction.
sometimes i think i was built for breaking
my hands are too soft to hold anything sharp,
but always the first to reach for it anyway.
and when i bleed, i apologize to the knife like its the one that got hurt.
im not quiet because im sad, im quiet because you give me no room to talk.
"thank you for being a victim of my shallow emotions."
how i yearn to exist with a mind unburdened by the weight of incessant thoughts,
free from the ceaseless noise of doubts and worries,
where clarity reigns and peace becomes a natural state of being.
my dreams are kinder than real life-
they let me have you.
no lies,
no waiting,
just skin and breath and the quiet promise of staying.
i dont ask if you'll leave.
i already know you wont.
here, love isnt borrowed.
its home.
i loved you like a dog and you betrayed me like a man.
can you tell i havent slept very well
since the last time that we spoke?
ill always love you.
even though our life together has to end like this,
i still wouldnt trade it for the world.
we had some wonderful years together.
and all i can do is hope
that when you close my eyes
your mind is filled with thoughts of me
and all that we couldve been.
my house of stone,
your ivy grows,
and now i am covered in you.
you said you werent going to leave
why did you lie..?
i dig my fingers into my own flesh
trying to dismantle and repair the creation i call myself
will i ever be fixed?
am i too far gone?
the smell of my mothers perfume still clings to the leather of my fathers old chair,
and i cant help but wonder how love and violence can both sit so comfortably in the same room.
her voice still lives in the hallway,
caught between the floorboards and the light.
i open the window and swear i can hear it in the wind.
isnt that how ghosts work?
not footsteps,
but the things you miss most when saying your name when no one else is around.
this grief is my love.
the lump of your name sitting in my throat is love,
river of tears in the corners of my eyes is love,
the hope of being able to call your name again is love.
its all love but you're not here to witness its warmth.
i love despite the uncertainty of reciprocity.
to love and be loved at all is a gift far greater than the pain of heartbreak and loss.
i choose love, knowing that the pain will inevitably come.
i choose it again and again and again.
dog. dog. dog.
thats all i do.
i sit in this damn near rotten dog house,
my paws scratched and ticks engulfing my grotesque skin
as the ruminating feeling of grief and regret fills my bloodstream
as it flows to brain wondering what it wouldve been if i bit,
even though im not a violent dog.
dog. dog. dog.
tomorrow when the farm boys find this freak of nature
they will wrap his body in news paper and carry him to the museum.
but tonight he is alive and in the north field with his mother.
it is a perfect summer evening the moon rising over the orchard,
the wind in the grass.
and he stares into the sky, there are twice as many stars as usual.
i have known no other way of wanting.
i can only love with raw, feral passion and thats the tragedy.
if you bring war on my doorstep,
i will cut my chest aright to welcome it.
if you carry hurricanes,
i will live in its eyes as you wreck the earth.
i will watch you burn the world with your rage, and possess the night in your palms.
i will be alongside with you.
you will be everything horrifying and i will still worship you.
lost in sight of light,
i lurk,
like a lonely shadow throughout the depths of oblivion carrying the weight of my past that has been dragging me down since the guild arises from my veins to my bones,
haze of misery inhabits my thoughs,
kills my heart until it completely rots and i,
slowly dive deep down.
into the ground slowly like how i endured every wound,
every blood that didnt bleed,
fall into my death bed,
burried,
waiting for years until the moss creeps covers my body.
he found me when i needed him the most
hurting and self sabotaging
my life rapidly going down
he stuck by me, making me strong
everyday he heals me
hes perfect and i cant let him go
his smile cures even the worst days
his laugh makes me forget my horrible sins
hes my handsome baby boy
i crave to cradle and kiss him all day
id rather not spend my life with anyone else
please god, i just want him.
i had my finger on the trigger for so long.
cleaning up your messes while swearing your name.
i kept the gun down.
but fuck it would have been nice to see your blood over the wall.
i point the gun to my head instead and i blame it on you.
you havent even done anything.
i have a steady finger on the trigger because i am too much of a pussy to speak.
and i still blame it on you.
yesterday you took your clothes off in front of me for the first time
and all i could think was, "humans really are animals."
you were exposing every vulnerability and lying belly-up like a dog begging for love.
but i saw the way your legs curved and the way you gripped the sheets,
and i wondered if your teeth could tear through me;
you bit at my neck and i wanted to ask you to dig your canines in and rip out my throat.
if anything is to kill me i hope it is your mouth.
grief lies imprisoned in my ribs, bound there since a year ago.
kept hidden and feared, he is cruel, sadistic, and vicious.
a god-damned killer—he knows human anatomy better than anyone else.
a predator knows exactly where to strike and when.
like a godforsaken vulture—when you are open and vulnerable.
grief will find his way to the flesh and deep to the heart.
always to the heart.
and poor prey, they always know when its their turn.
death may be hauntingly quiet as it draws near,
but grief, good grief, bad grief, in contrast, are the loudest.
tonight, i expected him to break free from his cell and find his way to me.
tonight, i may not be able to hold grief back.
i stand before a mirror, shirtless, my reflection a grotesque testament to the devastation ive endured.
my skin, a canvas of scars, each one a story of betrayal, of abuse, of a love that was never meant to be.
the scars have become a part of me, a permanent fixture, an undeniable truth. they've built a home within my flesh,
a constant reminder of my vulnerability, a haunting echo of the pain ive endured.
i question the meaning of this existence, this unending cycle of pain.
how can i end this life, this charade of living, when ive not lived a single day worth remembering?
my veins thrum with a venomous cold, a reflection of the emptiness that consumes me.
my soul, trapped in this cage of bone, yearns to break free, to escape the torment that holds it captive.
"hey, wake up, wake up, kid." a voice whispers, a phantom echo from the depths of my own troubled mind.
its a voice that whispers hope, a voice that urges me to fight, to resist the darkness that threatens to consume me.
but im lost in the darkness, a prisoner of my own despair.
its six a.m. the world is awakening, bathed in the soft glow of a new day, but i remain trapped in my own personal hell.
the sunlight, a cruel reminder of a world that continues to spin, indifferent to my plight, cuts through the blinds, a painful reminder of the life i can no longer grasp.
—
September 22nd, 2025.
13 pages, 2,988 words, 15,045 characters,
12,401 characters excluding spaces.