
You'll always be the right one for me, no matter how wrong we are. My only desire is to feel my heart
fill up with pure love and admiration for you. We'll grow up, we'll change, our preferences, likes/dislikes, dreams and desires, all of it
will change but not the kind of love I have for you. I wake up with fear, scared that I'll open my eyes to a world without you, scared that I'll have to
continue to breathe while your chest stays still, horrified that only my heart will continue to beat. But that won't happen, we were
destined to live and die together.. In a sense. You get me, right?

I watch you pour out your heart and share your everything with me like I'm your safe
space, like a secret diary. I'm more than grateful that you find the courage to be this vulnerable and open up to me
no matter how hard it is, it makes me feel like I'm the only one who'll ever get to
see and learn that side of you. This just makes me be sure that I'll always be in your heart, even your first choice, and vice versa. And.. I don't say this much but, sometimes I cry a bit everytime I think of this, you must love me a lot to do this, no?

We both went through so many things and yeah some of it were horrible enough to have long lasting
damages but at the end the wounds never really.. hurted as much since we had each other. Idk I think its lwk scientifically proven that when you're w someone you love, your pain feels
less intense, I think even in our situation that's a thing. Maybe it made me get over things really easily when I shouldn't have,
but if it stops the bleeding then it should be a good thing, Id never complain if smth happened cuz I was with you. Although, I do feel like even when we heal and move on,sometimes..
we don't,we say we do to make one another stop worrying to be happy. I know this happened many times, I can tell when you
brush off smth or sugarcoat it, I know you have boundaries and I ought to respect them but you know
I worry, I worry because I want you to be happy. Maybe it gets suffocating sometimes, maybe it's too much and you want to stop reassuring me, but it kinda gets hard when I'm aware of the reality
we both live in, I know my position in your life and know what you might do.
I often have nightmares about it actually, I already told you. But you're there, you'll always be there and that should be enough to comfort me, sooo

I think of our past and future often. It's hard to believe that a single comment caused us to build a relationship as deep and meaningful as this,
maybe a little bit toxic, maybe a little bit suffocating but it never kills to dance under your own blood. You didn't really trust me at first,
I was like a ball of light that could die out any moment in your eyes, you said you were afraid of being alone again after trusting the wrong person, and what about me? Theres a reason why I trusted
you more than anyone else I ever did in this world. Your understanding. Not once did I feel judged by you, I told you so many things
opened up so many times and spilled out lots of secrets and I never ever saw you responding to me with judgemental comments, like my cracked hopes were an opportunity for you to show me theres more to me than what I show and believe.
I'm sure I cried to you many many times before cuz I felt inferior and insulted, cuz I thought I will always be nothing more than a single grain of sand. Theres obviously a long build up to those
beliefs it took like more than 5 years for me to start thinking about all of this. And when I told you everything, it all felt like.. Nothing, really nothing. Like I worried about 


these things for no reason, cuz they werent true they were never true. I can't really label myself as anything but I feel like Im the center of the universe when Im with you. Your love keeps me..
Alive, happy, heard, sweet and beautiful as if I'm the most important thing that could ever exist. I don't if so many people would disagree with this, you think that way, and that's more than enough for me hehe 



24/11/2023
it's been a few days since I started to feel like something was wrong. Idek what it is, but I can feel it. Maybe I sas just really busy and we didn't talk so that could be why. But still, probably overthinking again. It's fine to think like that, after all, I'm just in love. Well, thinking too much won't help anyone, knowing each other for years just leads you to become close and quite used to each others absence. So why do I feel so empty like someone died when we're not together? I feel like a part of me is dying whenever he's w someone else for too long. He still has a life too, it would be selfish of me to ask that much from him but I can't help it.
⠀
Another thing is, I understand his love from weird things. Not that I don't exactly believe him when he says he loves me, but when he gets sad and annoyed cuz I'm going to leave, when he defends my name and our rs,when he doesn't ignore me after a fight or stays w me through everything.it just makes me swoon, yk??
⠀
I have so many dreams about us. Living together,waking up to each others smiles, washing our faces together,brushing each others hair, eating side by side, fucking, going out, cuddling, baking, playing anything, dressing up, singing, blah blah blah. But for some reason I cant.. See us getting married. I can imagine the engagement but not the marriage, I don't know why. I love him more than simply everything, hes the love of my life so, why?

25/11/2023
He woke up a bit more late than normal, so it's expected for him to be tired. I love it so much when he texts me before anything when he wakes up. Hes really cute when he's trying to wake up completely, it makes me want to... Yk what I mean.
⠀
He said he wants to play games w me so badly. The way he said it reminds me of Yoshi. Well, he's a character he made and he reflects him, so I guess that much was to be expected. And his come he knows everything about..ugh, wtv.
⠀
We tried to play Minecraft but the fcking WiFi didn't work. Why can't we ever do smth together? It sucks, I hate this bad. Oh well, theres always new things we could try out. I guess Im not that mad cuz I expected this. But hey, at least we called for 16 minutes, thats more than enough for me <3

26/11/2023l
He woke up with an idea again. I'm used to him being so creative, it's actually really adorable and impressive. He didn't wake up early like he said tho. But he apologized sweetly so I'm gonna let that slide.
⠀
He did Dazai in the rp yesterday and he actually did a great job, I was really impressed. I sometimes don't know how we'll even meet since I hate studying. But I have to, and I have to sacrifice our time together for meet irl. I'm gonna make a program for myself, I hope it'll work.
⠀
He asked for my help to find suitable workouts for him. I'm still worried for him tho. His lungs are becoming a bigger problem. I'm scared that smth will happen to him.

27/11/2023
At 3 am or so, he started opening up to me about his true feelings and fears. It's been a while since he did that, I'm glad he talks to me about this. He said he can put his feelings into words only with me, and that kinda worries me. Cause I can't seem to help him, he needs to see a therapist but how will he explain himself properly? I understand what he feels very well, thats how I was before we met after all. He gave me a purpose in life, gave me a will and reason to live, made me look forward for the next day. I want to do that to him too, but his? How will I make him feel better when I cant hold him when he's crying, I can't kiss away his tears, show him how life is worth it, how he can reach his goals and how he's perfect already. Does he feel like that everyday? I wish he could open up to me more, I really want to be the only person he can rant freely to, the one he can talk about jus problems w and vent to however he pleases. I really don't care if hes the one doing it, I would listen to him happily.

Theres way way more to share but that's not what I exactly wanted you to know. I want you to know even when I feel like Im in the deepest part of the hole, when life feels like nothing but an endless loop, a deep abyss with no way out, simply thinking of your existence is enough to fill me up with hope and love. I spent countless hours, days, even years clinging onto that admiration I always had for you before realizing that I loved this love because it was towards you. I loved loving because I loved you. I can feel my heart squeezing against my ribs every time we start getting honest with each other, every time you decide to tell me things you wouldn't dare to tell others. Even if we make many mistakes, even if they hurt us none of them will hurt me enough to damage my feelings for you, they say what's bigger than hate is love so >< I can talk about you to everyone I know, even to someone I met 3 minutes ago and feel no shame. Youre worthy of it all, you deserve to be brought up, you deserve to be remembered, you deserved to be heard and loved, especially by me. I can never compare our emotions to each other and can't say who started loving who more first, cuz in the end we're both tied by the same thing, neither of us are complaining either. You know my problems better than anyone else, yeah I had a rough life, I was surrounded by people who weren't really.. Pleasant. But it amazed me how one person is enough to block out all of that, make me heal faster than anyone else can. Even in a dream, a hug can make me get better, so I can't even imagine what kissing your pretty lips would do to me. Holding hands would be enough to make me pass out surely. And I always did and always will yearn for the day I'll hold your hand in mine and call you my husband in front of everyone. Nothing gets me more excited than waiting for the day when we'll wake up to each other in our shared bed under a roof we created together. I am getting kinda impatient, but it's only because I can't take being away from you. And I'm scared of getting addicted to your touch once we meet, to your scent and pretty voice. Parting away would make my soul cry, I know id feel like I'm being ripped apart. I'll miss you immediately the moment I turn my back, so I'm kinda scared. I'm scared of losing you, I'm scared of being away from you for too long, the thought alone is enough to make me tear up. If there's a word that could describe my love for you then I'll just have to search for it, cuz so far nothing can. I'll always love and adore you as much and as long as this body can, and even if I do lose you, I'll live really really long to make sure your memory lives too. Id never ever let you be forgotten, maybe you can take this as a way of me showing how dearly I love you.
⠀
I don't know what the future exactly has to offer but even if fate tries it's best to keep us apart, I'll find a way to either go against it or rewrite it, I'd go beyond just for you my sweet love, and I'll always whisper your darling name under my breath every time you come to my mind. I love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love you and happy Valentine's day <333
