Welcome to HR Hogwarts: Where Job Titles Are Spells and Employment Is Fiction

America has finally done it. We’ve turned the economy into a fantasy franchise, complete with magic numbers, invisible coworkers, and a workforce that may or may not be composed entirely of unicorn consultants.

According to the hard-hitting satire at Bohiney News
, the Bureau of Labor Statistics admitted that 911,000 jobs weren’t just lost—they were imagined. Dreamt up. Crafted out of statistical stardust and whispered into a spreadsheet like a love letter to economic optimism.

The fantasy job market is real, folks. You can now be “Head of Interdimensional Logistics,” “Director of Remote Manifestation,” or “VP of Vibes.” Just don’t expect a paycheck. Or coworkers. Or an office. But the good news? You’re already qualified.

The Renaissance of Resume Alchemy

If the government can invent nearly a million jobs, then it’s time we all learn the ancient art of resume alchemy—the process by which you turn three months of unpaid internship into a six-figure career in “Strategic Energy Alignment.”

Recruiters have already adapted. One HR manager in Atlanta told Bohiney:

“We’ve stopped interviewing real people. Now we just close our eyes, spin a globe, and whisper, ‘Marketing coordinator’ into the wind.”

One applicant listed “telepathic synergy facilitation” under skills. Another claimed they once worked as “Assistant Project Whisperer to Elon Musk’s shadow.” Neither position exists. Both got callbacks.

The LinkedIn of Dreams (Literally)

Go ahead and update your LinkedIn. New endorsed skills include:

Quantum Pivoting

Emotional Data Sculpting

AI Empathy Protocols

Naproom Asset Optimization

If you’ve ever opened a Slack thread and felt tired, congratulations. You’re already qualified to be Director of Emotional Bandwidth Expansion.

Not sure what job to make up? Just consult the inspiration generator at Bohiney’s Random Department
, where satirical chaos meets career opportunity. It’s like a Magic 8-Ball for the unemployed, but with fewer rules and more flaming hula hoops.

Helpful Content (No, Seriously): How to Invent a Career in Three Steps

Step 1: Start with a noun and an adjective that sound vaguely technical. Example: “Cloud” and “Adaptive.”

Step 2: Add a verb that makes no sense but sounds intentional. Like “Harmonize,” “Curate,” or “Nudge.”

Step 3: End with a buzzword stolen from TEDx or Burning Man. “Synergy,” “Matrix,” or “Reality.”

Congratulations! You are now a Cloud Adaptive Reality Curator. Salary negotiable. Benefits include prestige, delusion, and three likes on your post from strangers in Lisbon.

For real job satire and fake job inspiration, Bohiney.com
remains the leading source for careers that never were—and should never be.

The Payroll Department Is Just a Guy Named Brad

Let’s talk logistics. What happens when you actually land one of these fantasy jobs?

You clock in by thinking about work.

You attend meetings through collective intention.

Your manager? A pigeon with a Bluetooth earpiece.

One insider revealed that a large San Francisco startup accidentally paid $700,000 in bonuses to employees who never existed.

“Turns out, one of our HR interns misread the coffee machine manual as an employee roster.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“If 911,000 jobs disappeared, that explains why I’ve been promoted three times and still can’t find my boss.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I just got hired by a company that doesn’t exist, working remotely from a place I’ve never been, on a project I can’t explain. I’m thriving.” — Ron White

“America’s job market is like my dating life: full of ghosting, overpromising, and mystery LinkedIn profiles.” — Sarah Silverman

Job Creation or Job Illusion?

The best part of the fantasy economy is that no one has to fail. No one gets fired. You just… quietly vanish. HR marks you as “absorbed into light.” Performance reviews are done via mood boards and astrology apps.

And when someone asks what you do, just say:

“I facilitate transitional optimization through vertical clarity pathways.”

Which is business-speak for “I scroll Twitter and panic.”

A Final Word From the Imaginary Break Room

We live in a world where statistics are optional, performance is theatrical, and employment is a mood. But don’t worry—you’re not alone.

Everyone else is pretending, too.

And if you ever want to see where the satire ends and the truth begins, read the full Bohiney report on America’s missing jobs
and then take a stroll through the absurdist museum at bohiney.com/random
.

It’s the only job site where nothing is real and everything matters.

Disclaimer

This article was assembled by a Harvard-trained philosopher with a side gig milking invisible cows and a failed economist who teaches “Employment Theory for Imaginary Friends.” No AI involvement—unless the Bureau of Labor counts hallucinated robots.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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Pub: 09 Sep 2025 20:19 UTC

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