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(ᴗ ᴗ 。⠀♱ mausoleum's updates

Greetings, I am an entity with many names, but I'm mainly known as Niko or Ivan. I go by She or He pronouns since I am an all-gendered being ( I do not fully understand the concept of gender. I am an autistic adult with many interests, and I will be discussing those and much more here. This is my personal space where I'll ramble and rant — I won't always make sense here. General trigger warning? I guess?
Started on 06.03.2025



ac saintmthr && dardan__21

co / horrere O6.1O.25 𐂯 I will find and brutally murder whoever invented squat toilets. what the fuck man? imagine dying knowing this was your contribute to humanity. absolutely disgusting

Anyway I think I'm sick AGAIN, this is so evil what did I do to anger the gods ? At least my throat doesnt burn anymore but I have a cold and it's June. I hope the person who spread their virus during that forsaken train ride gets nightmares every night. I shall put my curse upon ye. Goodnigjt

co / horrere O6.11.25 𐂯 I woke up this morning with a bleeding nose and an horrendous pain in my foot. Now i can't walk apparently cause if I move it too much it feels like being stabbed by infinite tiny needles. I was planning to go to the second day of the music festival today but that's not gonna happen ig?

I was trying to write yesterday night but I think I'll tweak the story a bit, it's getting out of hand ( i always overdo everything but I'm working on it , trust )

co / horrere O6.17.25 𐂯 instead of finishing BSD I started a new anime I am cooked. Anyway new kin is Falin but I need to figure out if I also kin Thistle or not. Thistle reminds me of Aku somehow its always the evil twinks. i mean Falin is literally how I act irl / with my friends but Thistle is more how I feel inside mostly, Falin = sun sign Thistle = moon sign iykwim

shout out to dungeon meshi for being the only show with Laios in it my disaster bisexual himbo fighter with intelligence dump stat

co / horrere O6.19.25 𐂯 i hate having a blog on rentry because I have to write in english but english is cringe

Do you think I'm horrible for eating my gods' offerings chat be honest

co / horrere O6.21.25 𐂯 since i revamped my tav (bg3) let me share my thoughts. so noemie's patron has shapeshifting qualities so she plays around with noemie's appearance to her liking, sometimes she wakes up and just looks different.

her previous haircut was cool cause it was more androgynous but she woke up one morning with long hair so she said "fuck it let me cut my bangs and go full diva" so this is what we're working with at the moment. i love noemie im starting to project so much of me into her

her new huge horns are better, she looks so much more powerful too. she looks evil but don't be fooled shes actually a sweetheart (? except for when she gets possessed and slaughters whole camps of people ig)

co / horrere O6.22.25 𐂯 its blog sunday and i have thoughts

wren called indris old . don't fuck with me i will skin you alive

things that didn't make sense this afkj season / inconsistencies

  1. velara randomly killing feli just cause she can, but not killing the commoners she wanted to execute who actually broke the law.
  2. the queen, who's evil and has mercilessly ordered the killing of CHILDREN before, lets some random topsiders go after they discovered her deepest secret which, if uncovered, could end her dominion. she leaves them in the care of just one dwarf (unsupervised).
  3. however, she does kill her people to showcase her power, but at the same time, she lets one commoner who has seen her appearance (secret) go back home where she literally could just tell it to anyone ever.
  4. indris has been secretly showing mercy to the commoners because he used to be one too, however he struggles to admit his queen is fucked up because this life is all he's ever known. he's very stubborn and loyal to his people, BUT then suddenly switches sides without even seeing actual proof for himself. (it might just be because they killed feli but. what i'm saying is, he simply stops showing doubt altogether. like people don't work like this im sorry😭)

there might be more just let me sit with this a bit longer

the writers this season did make a mess tho. i'm so sad cause it had so much potential but they ruined it. the worldbuilding / setting / characters are amongst the coolest so far, and yet the writing is so shit that it shatters all that effort. it's still fun to play don't get me wrong, im just very disappointed. killing one of the main characters would be a good idea for one, BUT feli was just the wrong choice at the wrong time + i know that he's not actually dead yet. this has been foreshadowed for a bit at this point, his body was probably teleported somewhere else before he could die. making all the side quests miserable and tragic doesn't do it im sorry, it's not well balanced and it just seems unrealistic.

all these npcs dying horrible deaths but the actual characters never even getting hurt, makes it seem the writers are treating us like fools. if you wanna do tragedy PLEASE kill a main character i dare you. although i understand they can't do that because they need to release them for pulling, so they can profit off them. it makes sense since this is a gacha game but still. ughh

edit of O7/O1 : this whole analysis aged like milk oh my lord

unrelated but i was also thinkijg about how whenever i aggressively love a character or a person i get the urge to destroy them like. i get intrusive thoughts i wanna smash them but affectionately ?? i know this must be part of the human condition or phrases like "youre so cute i wanna eat you" wouldn't exist, but i find it very interesting on a psychological pov, i might research it further.

anyway i love my wife shes so gorjus and beautigul and talented and silly and . wreniko fag hours real

co / horrere O6.23.25 𐂯 ok so, another problem with the season: the dialogue options have amnesia. example : merlin already knew that ravion was the son of the queen cause it's said at the beginning, but when he meets ravion at the palace and he calls the queen his mother, the dialogue options are all surprised like he didn't know this😭😭 this is not the first time it happens btw, there are many instances in which merlin acts surprised about something he already knew about

and i understand he canonically has amnesia but that's only for his previous life + nothing like this happened in past seasons

its probably just rushed , the devs didnt communicate well , but they should have checked for this kinda slip ups. my theory is that they had little time to release the season, we had the shortest wait yet after the last one so it makes sense that they couldn't get the details right, im so convinced the people who work at these type of games are under payed, so i don't blame them, it's just a shame cause it's a good game and they could have played their cards better if they were less greedy

update of a few hours later the plot got better, i really liked the dragon's design / how she was characterized. indris indris indris indris
and of course, me and my girlie (Zanie) too.....

co / horrere O6.24.25 𐂯 my mom's high school teacher tellingme "oh wow you don't speak much i thought you'd be more talkative since your mother could never shut up" who's gonna tell her.....

I attended my first driving lesson today

co / horrere O6.3O.25 𐂯 why do me and ivan alien stage literally have the same lore. I didn't seem human and I didn't understand how to behave as a child so I scared people so I forced myself to seem normal/friendly but then people didn't want me because I seemed "too perfect" and "fake"

all we need is for me to get killed for a faggot who doesn't want me and we're good to go

co / horrere O7.O1.25 𐂯 its sooo hot i think i'll throw up faint and die

why do some of my alters speak perfect English and then there are those 2 poor souls with the slurred pronunciation who sound like Edgar when he makes vms

anyway guys edgar is visiting in like 3 days will i get murdered yes or yes

co / horrere O7.O2.25 𐂯 im headcanoning vanitas ( merlin ) with did cause

  1. has amnesia
  2. genderfluid shapeshifter
  3. each "look" acts differently

previous vanitas was me this vanitas is cecelia real and NOT clickbait. "you are the sunlight" WHAT RAVION. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ANOTHER MAN
giggling at these faggots

vanitas was like "oh .... i see you must be very close...." i love them

  1. one is a flamboyant twink with mommy issues with npd and a twisted morality who never knows when to shut the hell up
  2. the other is a responsible, stoic and protective archer, who used to be a commoner, then became a guard and then a leader. he doesn't understand humor and sounds autistic

why i love ravindris dynamic

  1. they're improbable together
  2. ravion likes to annoy indris but indris is too oblivious to get it
  3. indris thinks ravion is childish and needs to be more serious
  4. ravion fucks around but he actually sees indris as their people's savior, as the "sunlight", the bold light in the dark that brought about change. he clearly admires his courage and resolve
  5. ravion used to be the imperator, and indris a guard, hence his subordinate. BUT after the fall of the queen, ravion abdicated and asked indris to be the new leader. he reductantly accepted and now ravion labels himself as indris' right hand man

edgar said i look like a golden retriever i am so utterly offended

co / horrere O7.O3.25 𐂯 why can't i have long hair and wear shorts without looking cishet noooo nnnoooo

yesterday i watched a video on man crushes and i realized i do the same thing with the men i look up to what is this supposed to mean

whenever I like a man it's always because I want to be him and I admire him like an "inspiration" .... .. and then I don't understand if I'm attracted to him or it's just that I want to be friends with him and be like him

co / horrere O7.O4.25 𐂯 why do I always have to be the one who comes off as bitchy ? I don't like being interrupted, I don't like having to talk if I hadn't planned to + I was doing something important to me and now I'm annoyed

they treat me like I'm the obnoxious one but I literally did nothing. Enough
can you tell when I don't want to talk , and I don't do it out of hate or anything, it just doesn't feel right? what are you so offended for dude

tldr my father wanted to talk and I understand that he feels alone and all but fuck. what am I to do if I don't want to, it's obvious that if you force me I'll seem strange because even if I try hard to do it , i'm still masking. I have nothing against him wanting to read my stories, but he kept asking me what the "theme" of my latest work was and I told him 10 times that there is no theme 😭😭 what do you want me to say. "make something up" but why should i ? it doesn't make any sense.

the same reason why they don't want to diagnose me with autism, "it's not true that you struggle like that" just because you don't notice it, it doesn't mean it's not there. I struggle but I try hard to seem normal because people say i'm cruel. when I'm genuine, everyone thinks I hate them or I'm being cold on purpose etc etc, it's so annoying and no one sees me. I have to force facial expressions to show emotions, exaggerate them because otherwise I end up arguing when I just want some peace. and then I obviously get tired because all this energy is wasted on forcing everything.

I tried not to talk and use text to speech but my mother started praying as if she were facing the devil himself, my psychiatrist tells me "you can be yourself" no, I can't, if I were myself I would never talk to anyone, but then they would call me antisocial and problematic. I'm fine , I don't hate people, I'm happy with my current social life, I love my friends and my girlfriend and I'm fine with that. I don't hate myself, I'm not insecure, it's just the constant judgment of others that pisses me off, just because it's not "normal" ? what does that even mean? its always "mental health matters" until someone is autistic but went undiagnosed through adulthood and now everyone wants to diagnose me with every possible disorder on earth except autism because apparently that's impossible to have ok ok fine whatever

autism is like. the scarecrow of psychiatrists it pisses me off so bad

ah anyway about my father's thing too. it's not my job to keep him company, yes ok I love him and everything but I have my boundaries and I need my space, if I'm doing something specific it's DEATH to have to interrupt myself to come up with something to say to him, I understand that his wife is no longer the right person for him but is it my fault? no, he's the one who wanted to stay and change himself for her. It's always funny because when I'm really myself people think I'm pissed off / I'm trying to hide my emotions, and when I wear a mask they're happy, but it's the opposite lol

I fake emotions = ah ok everything is fine
I don't force myself and I remain genuine = why do you hate me??!!111!!11!! why are you depressed??!! why are you acting apathetic??! 1!!11!! 11!!!!1 I'll give you a whack on the head Jesus fucking christ

co / horrere O7.O7.25 𐂯 finished yet another replay of life is strange fuck this is the fourth guys

co / horrere O7.O8.25 𐂯 I just finished season 2 of squid games what the fuck did I just watch

co / horrere O7.O9.25 𐂯 I HAVE NEWS. ravion repeated multiple times that he hates indris so he clearly loves him + it's canon tjat ravion would get indris drunk for fun cause he gets very affectionate when drunk..... but SINCE indris tried to hug people ravion was forced to also get hugs and they held each other a lot. that's so cute ? i hate gay people

also my theory is that if you hate someone that's still such a strong feeling, hate is so similar to love, it drives to obsession and eats you alive, and it's very hard to hate someone if you never cared for them or loved them before, because if you dgaf about someone you don't waste your energy on hating them

OH MY GOD.
i just watched karma and. i think alien stage is officially one of those medias that simply exist to be sad and make you feel miserable

like it gave me nothing but pain and despair. i mean it's cute and all, good songs good art nice characters but. if i could go back i probably wouldn't get into it

when shows / projects start to feel like psychological torture then you know that maybe they're not all that good. like yeah media is there to make you feel stuff and exorcise certain emotions sometimes, im all about dark media and i think it can be healthy when monitored and be a great coping mechanism , BUT also.... it shouldn't simply exist to give you negative feelings, and idk ig im in a phase in which i just want to be entertained and be whimsical

no wonder we're the most depressed generation, all our media is absolutely excruciating. im reduced to watching kids' cartoons because there's nothing i can watch to chill and have fun, it's always have to be something dark and miserable and violent, im already being bombarded with negativity in the news , i don't need more when i'm just trying to relax. also another thought: you can communicate adult and serious themes in more thoughtful and cautious manners, your media CAN be meaningful without inhuman levels of tragedy, there are many ways to deliver the same message, sometimes the most horrifying medias are also the most lazy ( not referring to alnst here, i still think it's made with lots of love and care, and it is definitely a piece of art )

co / horrere O8.15.25 𐂯 I realized that like. all my "Soulmates" have this thing with me where we insult each other / say literally horrible, disgusting things to each other and two seconds later we're making out or talking about philosophy. ig i do have a type

co / horrere O8.16.25 𐂯 so apparently i might have ocd. am i still hot chat

afk journey STOP releasing absolutely nasty character or i'm coming for you

co / horrere O9.O1.25 𐂯 Anyway, to recap these 2 last days of the con I have:

  1. had a cold the moment I left
  2. ⁠throat ache, headache
  3. The whole first day I had to take a dump and couldn't
  4. ⁠LEGS HURT, FEET HURT
  5. ⁠second day I stood for 4 hours straight and then sat on the floor for another like 2 hours I wanted to kill myself
  6. ⁠BACK PAIN
  7. ⁠upon arrival I cut myself on glass
  8. ⁠I lost a book
  9. I ate practically nothing
  10. I slept like shit
  11. ⁠I had neck/shoulder pain from something I had before but it got worse looking up all the time
  12. ⁠FEET HURT. LEGS HURT
  13. ⁠BACK HURTS GODDAMN IT
  14. ⁠spent all the money I had.
    Oh and also my feet and legs hurt

but I had lots of fun cause Artemisia was with me ^__^

co / horrere O9.O3.25 𐂯 my autism monster has possessed me and. I just got into a big fight
I hate seeing things all black or white I hate it I hate it. I'm not in control and I hate yelling but I can't stop and then they say I'm crazy and I get even more pissed because I hate it when they say it and soon my anger will make me throw a lamp at someone's head I could commit murder

so funny today the psychiatrist asked me if I had had bad anger attacks lately and I told her no 🥳🥳

co / horrere O9.O4.25 𐂯 thinking of my beautiful girlfriend to calm myself down and revamping sp cause i can

i forgot to sleep ☠

co / horrere O9.13.25 𐂯 so you're telling me that I did a job managed by the literal ITALIAN STATE and they promised me that they were going to pay me and then they didn't, ah ok

Hello friends I enrolled in the University of Cultural Heritage at random

SP: ﹫ floralism

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Pub: 04 Dec 2024 15:23 UTC

Edit: 13 Sep 2025 13:22 UTC

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