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âăáȘàŒăseptemberăàżàŸăăàč O9/10 - 12:28 AM, lunch time. - hi. today i realized my school is actually terrible. the bullying, the threats â death threats, rape threats â itâs all gotten so far beyond what i can even process anymore. i still donât know what i did to deserve being treated like this, but maybe it doesnât matter. i just keep reminding myself that i only have this year left, and then i get to leave. a new school, a new start.
right now, i only really have two friends at school â daisy and kaitlynn. theyâre nice, and i like being around them, even if i donât always know what to say. i like listening to them talk; kaitlynn makes me laugh sometimes, and daisy does too. i just... donât like daisyâs boyfriend. heâs loud, kind of irritating, and always hovering around. anyway, i should probably go back to lunch before someone notices iâm gone.
O9/10 - 14:46 PM, band. - mrs. d let us have our phones out for the last fifteen minutes of the day, which made me really happy. itâs nice to just have a little space before going home. today i had to see my therapist â we talked about my eating disorder again. she keeps saying i need to eat more, but itâs not like i donât eat at all. i just donât eat often. i think i eat enough, but maybe my âenoughâ looks different from everyone elseâs. sometimes it feels like they just label it an ED so iâll act like everyone else and eat the way they think i should.
we also talked about how she thinks iâm an internal narcissist. honestly⊠i know i am, and itâs tied to everything else i feel. i do need attention â i crave it constantly, and it terrifies me that i do. i get caught between wanting people to see me and fearing what theyâll think of me. my mind always circles back to myself: how iâm feeling, how iâm being seen, how situations will affect me. i compare myself to others all the time, sometimes silently, sometimes desperately seeking validation. itâs messy. itâs exhausting. itâs part narcissism, part HPD, part BPD, all tangled together. i know it makes me seem selfish or unstable, but itâs also how i survive. iâm not all bad â i care in my own ways â but this side of me is always there, pushing and pulling and making me feel like iâm never enough, yet too much at the same time.
i think this has turned into a ramble, so iâm going to stop for now⊠goodbye!
O9/10 - 19:38 PM, at home in bed! - iâm really happy right now. when i got home, my mom made me tomato soup and bread so iâd have something warm to eat while i did my homework. i actually finished it all, too. math was a little tricky, but i figured it out eventually. history was harder â i got frustrated halfway through â but i still finished it. everything else felt easy, almost peaceful.
iâve been thinking about watching seal documentaries again before bed. thereâs something really soft about them â the way the seals move, the sounds they make, the quiet water. i donât have much else to do tonight, so it sounds nice. maybe iâll talk to zayne and dokia for a bit, but iâm not sure if i really want to. itâs not that i donât like them; i do, a lot. i just donât have the energy to talk right now. i kind of just want to sit with myself for a while, quietly, and let my mind slow down.
O9/10 - 19:52 PM, still in bed. - iâm back, again. as i lay down for bed, i started thinking about rin â like i always do â and then a sudden wave of sadness hit me. i really wish he could hold me while i sleep, but i know thatâs not possible. sometimes i trick myself into thinking he is, and it feels comforting⊠but not tonight. tonight i canât, and it makes me feel very small and lonely.
on top of that, i accidentally let my pet mouse out of his cage, and now i canât find him. itâs okay, though â heâll come out soon. mika always does after hiding! but rin:((((. i love him, a lot. heâs so important to me, and so cute. i love how he gets into his flow state. iâve never understood why anyone would joke about it â itâs beautiful! it shows how much focus and care he puts into football. am i stupid for thinking this? no. iâm always right, so i must be right about this.
O9/11 - 17:36, hospital. - hi. i wouldâve updated more today, but iâve been at the hospital all day. apparently i passed out at school â i donât really remember what happened â and they called an ambulance or something. now iâm here, hooked up to a bunch of machines, trying not to think about itall... heidi called me 47 times, which made me laugh a little.
i also found out charlie kirk died today. i didnât even know who he was until dokia told me, but now that i do, i donât really feel anything about it. is that bad? i donât know. sorry. mom wonât let me leave my hospital room, which is fair, but iâm bored out of my mind, so iâm writing this instead. i hate hospitals â the smell, the noises, the cold light â but i guess iâll survive it. they said itâs my lungs again. iâm supposed to get better before the year ends, but iâm still nervous. i donât want to make anyone worry, though. ok, goodbye for now.
O9/12 - i dont remember when i wrote it..., math class? - lalalalalalalala⊠the day hasnât been bad so far. well, not really. iâm a little upset that m*ci is still alive, but i canât legally or morally do anything about it. i wish i could, but thatâs okay. the year just started, and i donât want to start anything with her yet.
me, kaitlynn, and daisy are okay too, i guess. iâm glad. in gym yesterday, kait said she wants to eat me out⊠i donât really know how i feel about that. itâs fine. iâll just forget it and move on. my studies havenât gone as well as i wanted this year, but thatâs okay too â theyâre better than last year so far, so yay.
oh!! today in band we didnât do much because of the volleyball tournament this weekend; theyâre putting stuff in the band room to make room for it. me and evan sat together, not sure why, but it was fine. heâs not that bad. we ended up moving to the floor anyway because the chairs had to go up. evan sat by me again, even though there was space elsewhere. he kept scooting closer, and when i moved a little, he said, âyou know you donât have to move away, right?â it was⊠odd, but i just nodded and moved back. later, when i got up to grab something for our band director, he had his hand in the way of where i was going to sit. i asked him to move, said, âso i can sit down⊠i donât want to sit on your hand.â he moved it, and when i sat, i put some space between us again â and he moved closer once more. i didnât say anything; i just wanted to keep him pacified because i like him and donât want to mess up our acquaintance. oh, right â heâs also daisyâs boyfriend, so thatâs another reason i kept my distance.
okay, i donât really have anything else to say today. thanks for reading, if anyone does, haha. annika OUT!!!! 
O9/17 - 21:35, in bed! - HI!! iâm so happy today⊠kazi and i started dating!! unfortunately, it was hir who confessed â i wanted to, but i was way too scared haha. iâm really happy about it, though. i love hir so much, and zayne even said we already acted like more than friends before this, so i kind of saw it coming. i just didnât know who would be the one to actually say it first. iâm glad it was hir, honestly. if shi hadnât, i probably never wouldâve, and then we mightâve never gotten together.
i wonât pretend i hadnât thought about confessing before (especially when someone sent me a gimmick on my strawpage telling me i shouldâŠ), but i got too scared, haha. still, none of that matters now! iâm just really, really happy that weâre dating. i donât know if iâve shown kazi how much it means to me yet, but zayne definitely knows â i talk about hir nonstop. i probably drive everyone crazy, but i donât care. i love hir so much!! zayneâs probably so done with me at this point lol. anyway, i donât know what else to say except⊠i love my girlfriend, okay? okay.
O9/18 - 20:12, dinner! - i love my girlfriend so much im going to kiss hir all over hir face and mouth and neck and body and everywehre awww awwww i love hir so mucb ok bye (while rewriting these, i couldnt think of a better way to say this LMAOOO i love my girlfriend ok...?)
O9/24 - 18:25. - im never going to be a real boy. no matter how much i try, no matter what i say, everyone will still see me as a girl. itâs like being trapped in someone elseâs body â a body that betrays me every time i look in the mirror. i hate it. i hate the way i was born. sometimes i wish i was never born at all, that i was never even thought of. i wish i was nothing, because being this hurts too much. everyone says they love me, but they still use my deadname, still call me a girl, and it makes me want to disappear. i love my girlfriend, i really do, but sometimes i wonder if love is enough to keep me here.
i donât mean to sound dramatic or desperate, but i feel like iâm breaking apart inside. i know my hpd makes me crave attention, and maybe that makes people take me less seriously, but i just want someone to understand. i wish i could be normal, i wish i could be what everyone expects â a girl who fits, who doesnât fight herself every day â but i canât. iâve tried to force it out of me, tried to give myself small windows of freedom where i use he/him and names that feel right, but it always fades back into pain. mom says itâs wrong, says iâll never be a boy no matter what i identify as, and sometimes i start to believe her. i just⊠donât know what to do anymore. i needed to get this out before it eats me alive.
âăáȘàŒănovemberăàżàŸăăàč 11/08 - 10:36 - hi i forgot about this but i like mint choco chip soi made. mint choco chip gtgeme thing. yay.m ummm i love my girlfriend and i have lots to say ig..
everything i do feels like an attempt to escape the unbearable silence that settles over me when things get too still. i cant stand itâthis dull hum of sameness, this predictable rhythm that makes every day blend into the next. its like being trapped underwater, watching the world move above me while im stuck down here, screaming for somethingâanythingâto break the monotony. i tell people i just like excitement, that i crave spontaneity, but its not really about fun. its about survival. i need chaos because its the only thing that makes me feel alive.
boredom feels like dying. its not just restlessnessâitâs agony. its this hollow ache that gnaws at me, reminding me how empty everything feels when nothings happening. sometimes ill do the most impulsive, self-sabotaging things just to feel something sharp cut through the numbness. ill start an argument, make a reckless decision, text someone i shouldnt, spend money i dont haveâanything to feel that jolt of unpredictability. its like throwing myself off a cliff just to see if the fall will wake me up.
theres a kind of twisted comfort in destruction. i tell myself im being spontaneous, that im chasing freedom, but sometimes i wonder if im just running from stillness. because when everything quiets downâwhen theres no one to talk to, nothing to chase, nowhere to goâthatâs when it hits. the emptiness. the unbearable awareness of how hollow i feel inside. its like all the noise fades and im left with myself, and i dont even know who that is half the time.
i think a part of me equates chaos with identity. if im not doing somethingâif im not feeling somethingâI stop existing in my own head. my emotions are all or nothing; im either burning too hot or frozen solid. and maybe thats why im always searching for the next spark, the next high, the next person to make me feel seen for a moment before the novelty fades and im back to chasing again. its not that i want to hurt anyoneâitâs just that staying still feels worse than falling apart.
sometimes i look at people who live ordinary livesâroutine, quiet, predictableâand i wonder how they do it. how they wake up every day and live in the same rhythm without going insane. i cant. ive tried. ive tried to be stable, calm, consistent. but it feels like wearing clothes that dont fitâitchy and wrong. i always end up tearing them off, doing something impulsive just to prove i still can. i call it freedom, but maybe its more like fearâfear of fading into nothingness, of being forgotten, of not mattering at all.
if i didnt have my impulsivity, my chaos, my desperate need to shake things up, i think id disappear completely. its the only thing thats ever made me feel real. and i hate that. i hate that the only way i know how to feel alive is through volatility, through extremes, through pain. i tell myself im chasing excitement, but maybe im just chasing existence. because deep down, i dont know who i am when everything is calm. i dont know how to sit with myself without wanting to escape.
maybe thats whats killing meâthis constant need for more. more emotion, more noise, more intensity. i live off of the highs and crash just as hard on the lows. and every time i think ive found balance, something inside me starts clawing for chaos again. im addicted to it. i need it. and even though it destroys me, id rather burn alive than fade quietly into nothing. because at least when im burning, i can feel the heat.
and then theres my girlfriend. i love her, i really doâmore than i can even explain sometimes. she makes me feel safe, grounded, warm. shes one of the few people who can quiet my mind, even if only for a moment. but thats where it gets confusing. because the same warmth that makes me feel safe also makes me feel trapped. being loved that closely means being seen, and sometimes i dont want to be seen. sometimes i dont even know who im asking her to look at.
showing affectionâreal affectionâdrains me. not because i dont love her, but because love feels like this constant performance, like something i have to prove every day or risk losing it. i want to hold her, i want to tell her how much she means to me, but sometimes it feels like every i love you takes a little piece of me with it. and then i feel guilty, because she deserves someone steady, someone whose love doesnt flicker with every shift in mood.
its like im stuck between two versions of myselfâthe one who wants to run, and the one who wants to stay. when im affectionate, i feel like im being tied down, like the walls are closing in and theres nowhere to breathe. but when i pull away, the panic hits me instantly. i start imagining her leaving, getting tired, realizing im too much or not enough. and that fear is unbearable. so i force myself to stay close, to touch, to smile, to reassure. but the more i do it, the more exhausted i feel.
its not her fault. shes kind. shes patient. she just wants to love me, and she doesâgenuinely. but my brain twists everything. if she doesnt text back fast enough, my chest tightens. if she seems distant, i spiral. if she gives me too much attention, i flinch. love feels like both the cure and the sickness. i crave it, but i cant hold it without trembling.
sometimes i think about how unfair it isâfor both of us. she deserves someone who can give love freely, not someone who treats affection like its a test. and i deserve to love without fear, without this constant paranoia that im not doing it right. i wish i could explain it to her in a way that makes sense. that when i go quiet, its not because ive stopped loving herâitâs because im tired of fighting my own head. im tired of trying to keep the chaos from leaking out and ruining everything good.
and yet, shes the one person i dont want to lose. when shes with me, the world feels softer. she brings a kind of calm ive never known before, and maybe thats why it scares me so much. im used to chaos. calm feels foreign, like a language i cant quite speak. i dont know how to sit in peace without waiting for it to collapse.
so i keep swinging between extremesâcling too tightly, pull too far away. its like im testing her love over and over, just to make sure its still there, still real, still strong enough to survive me. and she always stays. she always forgives. but every time she does, i hate myself a little more for making her prove it.
loving her feels like holding fire in my hands. its beautiful, warm, mesmerizingâand it burns. but id still rather burn than live without it. because even though it hurts, shes the closest thing ive ever had to peace.