.co/ribbonseal
seven's diary. main , second , ext , prns.cc , strawpage

hi. i've been meaning to make a diary for a while, i just never found a url i liked for it.. ive had many, yes, i just never saw them worthy of being a diary for me lol.. ill probably update this whenever i can..!!

O9/10 - 12:28 AM, lunch time. - hi. today i realized that my school is truly terrible. the bullying and death/rape threats have become way too much for me to fully comprehend anymore, as well. i never did find out what i did to be treated the way i am at school, but its okay. i only have this year and then i get to go to a different school!

i only have two friends, at school, right now; daisy and kaitlynn. theyre okay and i like them, i just dont know how to talk to them. i like listening to them talk, though. kaitlynn is funny and daisy is too. i do not like daisy's boyfriend though. he's... annoying.. i have to go back to lunch or im going to get in trouble..

O9/10 - 14:46 PM, band. - mrs. d let us get our phones out for the last fifteen minutes of the day. im very happy about that.. today, i had to see my therapist. we talked about my eating disorder and how she wants me to eat more.. its not that i dont eat, because i do, i just dont eat often. i think i eat just enough, though. i also think theyre only saying i have an ED to get me to eat as much as everyone else does. we also talked about how she thinks im an internal narcissist. i agree, honestly. i may not show it as much as other people, but im very self-centered. i always think of myself whenever im asked to do something, like how it'd benefit me or how itd affect me. and i dont see many people as "equals", i believe im better than 9O% of them.. i know im not a good person, but im not terrible either. i think this has turned into a ramble, so im going to stop for now... goodbye!!

O9/10 - 19:38 PM, at home in bed! - i am very happy. i got home and my mommy made me tomato soup and bread so i'd do my homework.. i finished it all, too. my math was a little hard, but i got it done. obviously. and my history homework was very difficult... i finished it, too, though. everything else was very easy. i am thinking about watching seal documentaries again and then going to bed, since i dont have anything else to do today. i'll probably try to talk to zayne and dokia for a while, but i dont know how much i really want to. and its not that i dont like them, i do. i like them a lot! i just dont want to.. talk to anyone right now..

O9/10 - 19:44 PM, at home in bed, still. - hi. i am back again. just now i realized, i like being called castiel more than annika. it feels more fitting, since it's more masculine than annika is. i want to be seen as a boy, so its natural that i prefer the masculine name, right? i think so. okay, that's all i wanted to add..

O9/10 - 19:52 PM, still in bed. - i am back, again. i was thinking about rin, as i usually do when i lay down for bed, and then i was suddenly overcome by a surge of sadness. i really wish he were able to hold me while i sleep, but i know its not possible. sometimes i'll trick myself into thinking he is, but i can't seem to do so tonight. i dont know why, so its making me very sad. i also accidentally let my pet mouse out of his home and now i cant find him. its okay, he'll come out soon. mika always comes out after hiding! oh, but rin... i love rin, a lot. hes very important to me and very cute! i love his flow state and i've never understood why people make jokes of it. it's beautiful!! it really shows how much concentration he puts into football... am i stupid? i dont think so. im always right, so i must be right about this.

O9/11 - 17:36, hospital. - hi. i would have updated throughout the day again, but ive been at the hospital all day. apparently i passed out at school and something happened, so they called an ambulance or...something.. i dont remember. all i know is im in the hospital and heidi called 47 times. i just found out charlie kirk died today. i didnt know who he was until dokia told me, but now that i do, is it bad to say i dont feel bad? i dont know.. sorry.. my mom wont let me leave my hospital room, which is why im writing this, since i have nothing else to do. its ok. i hate hospitals though, so maybe it isnt. oh, and im supposed to die before this year ends.. im really nervous, but i dont want to worry anyone. ok, goodbye...

O9/12 - i dont remember when i wrote it..., math class? - lalalalalalalalala... the day hasnt been bad so far. well, not really. im a little upset that m*ci is still alive, but i cant legally nor morally do anything about it. i wish i could, but thats okay. the year just started, i dont want to start anything with her yrt. me, kaitlynn, and daisy are ok right now, too. im glad, i guess. in gym yesterday, kait said she wants to eat me out, though. i dont know how i feel about that..? its ok. im gonna forget it and move on. my studies havent gone as well as i wanted them to this year, but thats okay. theyre better than last year, so far. yay. oh!! today in band, we didnt do anything since theres a volleyball tournament this weekend and theyre putting stuff in the band room to make room for it. me and evan sat together, im not sure why, but thats okay. hes not that bad. um, we ended up having to move to the floor because we had to put the chairs up to make room for all of the stuff. evan sat by me again, even though there was room for him to sit somewhere else? he kept like, um, scooting closer to me and when i like moved a little he said "you know you dont have to move away, right?" it was really odd, but i just nodded and moved back to where i was sitting, later in class, he had his hand like in the way of where i was sitting because i got up to go get something for our band director and when i asked him to move his hand he was like "why?" and i said "so i can sit down, um, i dont want to sit on your hand." he moved his hand and then i sat down and put room between us again and he like? um, moved closer to me again? i didnt say anything, so as to keep him pacified because i like him and dont want to put a rift in our acquaintanceship. oh, hes also daisys boyfriend, thats another reason i kept moving away. okay, i dont have anything else to say today. thanks for reading, if anyone does, haha. castiel OUT!!!!

O9/17 - 21:35, in bed! - HI!! im so happy today... kazi and i started dating today. unfortunately, it was hir who confessed.. i wanted to, but im too scared to do something like that haha. im very happy about it, though. i love hir a lot and zayne even said we acted like more than friends before this, so i kind of already saw it coming.. whether it be me or hir who confessed it, i didnt know, thjough. im happy it was hir, actually. if shi hadnt, i dont think i ever would have, so we wouldve never started dating. i wont lie and say i didnt think about it (especially when someone sent me a gimmick on my strawpage saying i should...) but i got too scared haha,... that doesnt matter now. im really really happy about us dating... i dont know how well ive expressed it, to kazi, at least.. i know zayne has already heard enough about it lol.. i never really stop talking about hir to anyone, i love hir so much!!! zayne must be fed up with me by now.. i dont know what else to say but i love my girlfriend ok? ok..

O9/18 - 20:12, dinner! - i love my girlfriend so much im going to kiss hir all over hir face and mouth and neck and body and everywehre awww awwww i love hir so mucb ok bye

O9/24 - 18:25. - im never going to be a real boy ill never be seen as a boy ill always be a girl to everyone around me because of the way i was born and i hate it. i wish i was never born i wish i was never conceived or even thought of. i wish i was shot into a sock instead of my mothers womb because i wish i didnt have one. i hate myself so much because everytime i look in the mirror i see a girl and i dont feel like one, i dont want to be a girl. everyone says they love me but they still call me a girl and by my deadname. i hate it so much i hate everyone and i want to die. i love my girlfriend but i dont know if living is worth it anymore? i dont want to sound like an attention seeker or anything, but i know i am one. i know its because of my hpd but i also just need the attention. i wish i was normal and i want to be a girl, i want to be what everyone else wants and i want to suppress my overwhelming desire to be a boy, but i cant. ive tried so many times, ive even given myself periods of time where id allow myself to show who i am and go by he/him and male names i love, but it doesnt help. i want this feeling to go away i dont want to be this way. i know its wrong and i know i shouldnt, because mom says its wrong and that ill never be a boy even if i identify that way. sorry i know this probably makes no sense but i needed to get this out somehow. i was really just typing everything that came to mind. sorry.

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Pub: 20 Apr 2022 17:12 UTC

Edit: 24 Sep 2025 23:31 UTC

Views: 1262