.co/ribbonseal
castiel's diary.
main , second , ext , prns.cc , carrd
hi. i've been meaning to make a diary for a while, i just never found a url i liked for it.. ive had many, yes, i just never saw them worthy of being a diary for me lol.. ill probably update this whenever i can..!!
O9/10 - 12:28 AM, lunch time. - hi. today i realized that my school is truly terrible. the bullying and death/rape threats have become way too much for me to fully comprehend anymore, as well. i never did find out what i did to be treated the way i am at school, but its okay. i only have this year and then i get to go to a different school!
i only have two friends, at school, right now; daisy and kaitlynn. theyre okay and i like them, i just dont know how to talk to them. i like listening to them talk, though. kaitlynn is funny and daisy is too. i do not like daisy's boyfriend though. he's... annoying.. i have to go back to lunch or im going to get in trouble..
O9/10 - 14:46 PM, band. - mrs. d let us get our phones out for the last fifteen minutes of the day. im very happy about that.. today, i had to see my therapist. we talked about my eating disorder and how she wants me to eat more.. its not that i dont eat, because i do, i just dont eat often. i think i eat just enough, though. i also think theyre only saying i have an ED to get me to eat as much as everyone else does. we also talked about how she thinks im an internal narcissist. i agree, honestly. i may not show it as much as other people, but im very self-centered. i always think of myself whenever im asked to do something, like how it'd benefit me or how itd affect me. and i dont see many people as "equals", i believe im better than 9O% of them.. i know im not a good person, but im not terrible either. i think this has turned into a ramble, so im going to stop for now... goodbye!!
O9/10 - 19:38 PM, at home in bed! - i am very happy. i got home and my mommy made me tomato soup and bread so i'd do my homework.. i finished it all, too. my math was a little hard, but i got it done. obviously. and my history homework was very difficult... i finished it, too, though. everything else was very easy. i am thinking about watching seal documentaries again and then going to bed, since i dont have anything else to do today. i'll probably try to talk to zayne and dokia for a while, but i dont know how much i really want to. and its not that i dont like them, i do. i like them a lot! i just dont want to.. talk to anyone right now..
O9/10 - 19:44 PM, at home in bed, still. - hi. i am back again. just now i realized, i like being called castiel more than annika. it feels more fitting, since it's more masculine than annika is. i want to be seen as a boy, so its natural that i prefer the masculine name, right? i think so. okay, that's all i wanted to add..
O9/10 - 19:52 PM, still in bed. - i am back, again. i was thinking about rin, as i usually do when i lay down for bed, and then i was suddenly overcome by a surge of sadness. i really wish he were able to hold me while i sleep, but i know its not possible. sometimes i'll trick myself into thinking he is, but i can't seem to do so tonight. i dont know why, so its making me very sad. i also accidentally let my pet mouse out of his home and now i cant find him. its okay, he'll come out soon. mika always comes out after hiding! oh, but rin... i love rin, a lot. hes very important to me and very cute! i love his flow state and i've never understood why people make jokes of it. it's beautiful!! it really shows how much concentration he puts into football... am i stupid? i dont think so. im always right, so i must be right about this.
O9/11 - 17:36, hospital. - hi. i would have updated throughout the day again, but ive been at the hospital all day. apparently i passed out at school and something happened, so they called an ambulance or...something.. i dont remember. all i know is im in the hospital and heidi called 47 times. i just found out charlie kirk died today. i didnt know who he was until dokia told me, but now that i do, is it bad to say i dont feel bad? i dont know.. sorry.. my mom wont let me leave my hospital room, which is why im writing this, since i have nothing else to do. its ok. i hate hospitals though, so maybe it isnt. oh, and im supposed to die before this year ends.. im really nervous, but i dont want to worry anyone. ok, goodbye...
O9/12 - i dont remember when i wrote it..., math class? - lalalalalalalalala... the day hasnt been bad so far. well, not really. im a little upset that m*ci is still alive, but i cant legally nor morally do anything about it. i wish i could, but thats okay. the year just started, i dont want to start anything with her yrt. me, kaitlynn, and daisy are ok right now, too. im glad, i guess. in gym yesterday, kait said she wants to eat me out, though. i dont know how i feel about that..? its ok. im gonna forget it and move on. my studies havent gone as well as i wanted them to this year, but thats okay. theyre better than last year, so far. yay. oh!! today in band, we didnt do anything since theres a volleyball tournament this weekend and theyre putting stuff in the band room to make room for it. me and evan sat together, im not sure why, but thats okay. hes not that bad. um, we ended up having to move to the floor because we had to put the chairs up to make room for all of the stuff. evan sat by me again, even though there was room for him to sit somewhere else? he kept like, um, scooting closer to me and when i like moved a little he said "you know you dont have to move away, right?" it was really odd, but i just nodded and moved back to where i was sitting, later in class, he had his hand like in the way of where i was sitting because i got up to go get something for our band director and when i asked him to move his hand he was like "why?" and i said "so i can sit down, um, i dont want to sit on your hand." he moved his hand and then i sat down and put room between us again and he like? um, moved closer to me again? i didnt say anything, so as to keep him pacified because i like him and dont want to put a rift in our acquaintanceship. oh, hes also daisys boyfriend, thats another reason i kept moving away. okay, i dont have anything else to say today. thanks for reading, if anyone does, haha. castiel OUT!!!!