"Hello, Mr. Radke?"
Ronnie growled at his screen. He didn't want to be in this "performance review" video call, and if he was going to be, he could at least be addressed correctly.
"Right. Ronnie."
"Jeff. I don't know why you still work here."
"Anyway, the label asked me to do our year-end meeting. This would be a merch meeting, but, well, you rage-quit our authorized merch provider, and don't seem to have sold anything online since 2023. Except those stupid merch boxes which almost no one buys. And which you would get more money from if you sold the shirts by themselves."
"The kids like loot boxes."
"Mr. Radke, it isn't a loot box if they all contain the same thing. You need to get your merch store back in order, since because you quit Shopify without telling anyone, leaving us with heaps of merch we shipped to your basement --"
"I know. I sold it on Whatnot."
Jeff audibly sighed. "That's what I want to talk about. Your PR is at an all time low."
"It has been since, like, Bury The Hatchet. Your point?"
"Your most dedicated fans have given up on you, and ever since the complete disaster from the birthday tour in Galar, Epitaph has been talking about dropping you. Seeing as without merch sales or anyone buying the new songs, you are actually costing them money."
"They're still going to shows."
"Without merch and song sales, you aren't breaking even on shows."
"Look, you need to do something. I'm going to be brief and say that no one likes anything you've done this year. On one hand, we do appreciate you not using your platform to attack innocent women half your age and spread hatred. On the other, the fans find gambling and you selling your kitchen appliances even less interesting. Especially when you're doing it while on tour. They don't like the new songs, they don't like your new girlfriend --"
"They hate all women, except Saraya. Your point?"
"-- and you can't hide that you're on an unhealthy dose of steroids and losing your hair and voice anymore. Also, you have six nipples. I don't know why that happened and I don't want to, but for the love of God, stop wearing tank tops."
"You don't control what I wear."
"I know. Because you fired your stylist. The fans feel like you haven't listened to any of their concerns, because you haven't. You're playing the same songs, doing collabs with people they don't like, meet and greets contain neither of those things, and you're still cancelling shows at random and not refunding it in any reasonable timeframe. All of this, coupled with you actively trying to milk them for money while bragging about how rich you are at the same time, has soured them on you as a whole."
"You can't do shit about what I do with my personal accounts. You mailed the old merch to me, therefore it's mine and I can sell it. You label losers don't deserve a cut anyway; the Galar tour failing was your fault for not putting in a good word for me with customs."
"WE CAN'T SUPERCEDE INTERNATIONAL LAW, RONALD!"
"Also, all bands exist to milk fans for money. At least I admit it."
"I...you're right that we can't control your behavior outside of the band. However, your manager would like to inform you that if you keep using Falling In Reverse iconography on Whatnot, he's going to sue. However, what we do control is where and when you tour. A complaint that has come up repeatedly since the Coming Home era and has only intensified since 2024 is that you go to the same locations on every tour. Fans in a large part of the continent haven't seen you in years."
"I go there because they sell. I'm not gonna waste my time in Bumfuck, Nebraska or with some French cunts in Montreal."
"...so, here's what we're going to do: your winter tour will have the 5 most profitable stops, so you get LA and such, and then the rest will be voted on by fans. The most popular vote will be the final, special stop on Christmas with a special VIP package."
"Uh...what if they vote me to somewhere I can't get to, or that won't let me in?"
"We'll require all nominations to be in North America, so that won't be an issue. Worst case scenario, you drive."
"I hate this."
"Then maybe you'll understand how your fans feel."
"You're sending me to the fucking North Pole?!"
The rest of the nominated tour locations were pretty standard and didn't bother Ronnie -- cities and venues he had been in before, albeit a long time ago and smaller than what he preferred to play. (We'll just ignore that he had never filled more than a third of an arena at a show which actually happened.) The most popular he was going to on Christmas, however...
"We have the tour stops planned out so you'll have nothing else that week, to allow for transport and preparations."
"Do people even live there?! I'm not going!"
"Maybe Santa and his elves are fans. And you don't want to disappoint Santa, do you?"
"...well, it would be nice to get on the nice list for the first time since I was 3..."
The rest of the Falling In Reverse guys took the announcement much better. They were just glad to play somewhere different.
Meanwhile, in Sanctum City, Arlo, Spark, Ronnie!06, and Zane congregated in the living room, watching a hokey animated holiday special that made everyone act out of character in the name of conveying the "true meaning of Christmas", whatever that was. Arlo and Ronnie were quite snarky about it, but the kid seemed into it. Honestly, two of the adults in the room were all that inclined to celebrate, but Ronnie insisted that Zane get a "normal holiday experience" since he spent most of his childhood Christmases at church and not doing any of the fun ritual occurrences. Of course, that didn't stop him from holding some mild resentment and maybe contempt towards Christmas as a concept, given its overlap with his birthday.
In whatever the gang were watching, the subject of letters to Santa and Christmas gift requests (which would probably be forgotten within a month if the kids received them, which they inevitably would even if the intended moral was that the day wasn't about gifts) came up, which Spark saw as a good conversation starter.
"So, Zane, what do you want for Christmas this year?"
"Snow!" Zane gestured at the TV, which of course displayed a beautiful winter vista, with no signs of dirty snow on the side of the road, ice slicks, or anyone having difficulty with transport. "I wanna go sledding and build snowmen and have snowball fights!"
The adults in the room froze. It wasn't an unreasonable thing for a kid Zane's age to want. After all, all the hokey animated specials and Christmas songs talked a great game of snow. Arlo, from what he vaguely remembered from the Sinnoh part of his journey, didn't quite get the hype. Still, to a kid who didn't have any obligations to go out, snow presented a unique and unusual environment for play and a holiday experience like the ones they'd seen in fiction.
The obvious problem was that neither Sanctum City nor Vegas were places that got much snow. Nor was anywhere within a reasonable drive, given the coastal and/or desert surroundings. Even though Arlo had pointed out that time travel had to also be space travel, the range of the rift generator was limited to transporting parties between where the linked plushies were, so somebody would still have to get somewhere with snow even if a rift would work. And Ronnie had even fewer transport options than Spark and Arlo did, given his predating the expansion of public transit infrastructure. He was the first to make a suggestion, though, albeit hesitantly.
"Uh, I guess we could go up to Lake Tahoe? I don't know if you'd get to build snowmen, but I think they have sledding hills along with skiing..."
"The West Coast Rail line goes to Pike City. I don't know how snowy it is, since it's still coastal, but it's the best we can get unless you want to fly. Spark? Did your mom go to any conferences somewhere with snow?"
"Uh, all the conferences were in summer so college students could make it..."
Zane had returned their focus to the TV, not paying much attention to the adults trying to deliberate over snow options and come up with something geographically plausible. Frankly, no one was having all that much fun with the conversation, since "making the kid happy" and keeping up the mystique that parents would go out of their way to do so, within reason didn't align well with their location or finances.
Flying anywhere with assured snow would be pretty much coast to coast, which would be a lot to ask of Zane, and rather expensive especially given that it likely wouldn't be direct. There were centrally located possibly snowy locations that could get direct flights from Sanctum City, but snow wouldn't be guaranteed and there wouldn't be much for them to do if it didn't snow. Also, flying would be difficult to coordinate with Ronnie -- his 2020s fake ID with a more plausible birthdate might work for beer, but Arlo would be hesitant to try it for transportation. Especially given his own probability of being a flight risk, given his line of work. The range of the rift generator wasn't known, but had never been tried with a longer distance than Sanctum to Vegas, and Blanche had mentioned that increased distance exponentially increased the power requirements. Arlo also didn't have a fully featured generator outside of Mystic HQ, so probably would be even more limited given the animum capacity of his phone. (And that said would also be suspicious-looking tech to fly with.)
Arlo was about ready to try to explain geographic climate zones to Zane, and how they could try a ski resort at Lake Tahoe, but the kind of snowball-making snow the kid saw on TV simply didn't occur where they lived, when his phone started ringing. For some ungodly reason, Mr. Ronnie was calling him. Everyone was looking for a way out of the conversation, so he answered. He put Mr. Ronnie on speakerphone so the others in the room could hear.
"Uh, hello? Mr. Ronnie? I wasn't expecting a call from you. What's going on?"
"Would the kid be interested in going to the North Pole for Christmas?"
Zane had been curled up in a ball, focused more on Canclbubby than the TV, but perked up upon hearing the phrase. "That's where Santa lives!"
"It's funny you mention it, actually. We were just talking with Zane about what they want for Christmas, and they said they want snow, and, well, that doesn't happen in Sanctum City...why the north pole, though?"
"I don't know if you've seen it, but my manager decided to do a publicity stunt to 'improve my relations with fans', where they could vote on the locations for my winter tour, and I'd end up wherever they wanted. The most popular location would be a special show on Christmas Eve. Well, apparently Santa and his elves are fans or something, because I'm going to some desolate rock in the Canadian Arctic that's basically at the pole. I tried to protest, but the other guys think it will be 'fun' to be up north for the holiday and apparently it was extremely popular. Like, 10 times more votes than any other location. I'll be there for, like, a week so there's time to arrange transit and shit, and the label's paying for it, so do you want to come with? Figure that if I'm gonna freeze to death, might as well do it with people I don't completely despise."
"Aww, I love you too. Well, Zane's into it, and I don't think we have any other plans. I don't see why not. How about it, guys?"
"The League really liked the Pokemon survey we did when we visited Candela's family in Orre. I don't think the far north reaches of this continent have been indexed recently either, so I could do that while you and Ronnie are with Zane, or you could come with. I'll ask Candela and Blanche if they want to come, too, since if it's for work I can make the league pay for a hotel."
Spark shrugged and ultimately nodded. 06 seemed more hesitant.
"Uh, I don't even know if I have a winter coat...I live in the desert, and do all my touring in summer...I guess if Zane wants to, though, especially if you and Spark are out doing Pokemon stuff, someone needs to go do fun snow stuff with him. Fine. As long as 'Mr. Ronnie' has his own room."
The speakerphone erupted with protest. "Trust me, I know what I smelled like when I was your age. I don't want to room with you either. Supposedly, we'll have a block of hotel rooms. Won't be surprised if it's a fucking igloo or something. Not sure if the label will house you, but there's space on the bus, so I'll let them know I'm bringing friends. We can all suffer together. It'll be 'fun'."
Arlo turned to where Zane had been to ask their opinion, but based on their pacing around the room chanting "Santa!", they were very on board with the concept.
After pretty much 24 straight hours, or at least what felt like it, in transit, the Falling In Reverse bus finally arrived...to a bus terminal in the middle of nowhere. OTL Ronnie was the first to comment, being rather miffed. After all, he was accustomed to the bus going straight to their hotel if he wasn't flying private, and a shabby-looking bus stop wasn't what he signed up for. So, of course, he barged straight up to the bus driver to complain, completely ignoring the sign not to do exactly that.
"Hey, asshole, what are we doing here? Don't we have a hotel?"
"The roads aren't safe for a vehicle this size. You'll have alternate transportation pick you up at the bus terminal."
"Alternate...transportation? Like what? A, uh, one of those things they use on ice rinks?"
"I wasn't told anything except where to drop you off, sir. I don't know what your manager arranged for you, but I'm sure it's the best available."
"...yeah, the best available in an uninhabitable icy shithole..."
With continued grumbling, Ronnie and the rest of the gang disembarked the bus, luggage in hand. The Falling In Reverse members had been reassured that their audio equipment and instruments, if they couldn't carry them, would be transported to the venue separately in time for the show, although they weren't informed how and no one really cared to pry.
For most of those present, the transition from the bus to outside was a bit jarring, but not too terrible since they'd come prepared with winter coats, scarves, etcetera. Except Ronnie!06, who didn't own a winter coat that fit (living in the desert and only doing non-local tours in summer, he didn't really need one) and had forgotten to pick one up before they left. Haphazardly wrapped in 3 hoodies and a worn Drug In Me Is Reimagined throw from OTL's slimy blanket pile, he took one step out of the bus...
"FUCK!"
"Couldn't have said it better myself."
The other Ronnie nodded in his younger counterpart's direction, while the rest of the party looked mildly amused. Arlo, of course, rushed over to hug the younger Ronnie to preserve body heat. Of course, he looked to be doing a pretty good job of that himself, what with the fur that had rapidly covered his entire body. He still had a mostly humanoid facial structure, but in terms of color scheme, hair coverage, and general fluffiness, he pretty much looked like his full wolf form on two legs. Although the ears were covered by the three layers of hoodies he was wearing. Arlo, still clutching him, eventually noticed the difference in texture and looked up across Ronnie's body.
"Huh. You've, like, got a horror movie practical effects wolfman, or the Popular Monster 2019 music video, thing going on. I didn't know you could do that. I've never seen you do anything in between 'human guy with ears and tail' and 'full quadruped wolf'."
"I didn't either. Honestly, I'm wondering if I wouldn't be better off fully transforming and just travelling as your dog... I think they manage heat better."
"Uh, Ronnie, we're in the Arctic circle in winter."
"So?"
"So it's never fully light out, and there isn't going to be a real sunrise until, like, March. There's no full moon this week, but even when you transform at will, you can't turn back until the next sunrise because you can't focus enough to turn back when you're a wolf. So I'm not sure you'd be able to turn back until we got you back further south, and someone needs to watch Zane while Spark and I are surveying."
Ronnie paused for a few seconds, looking contemplative. "Huh. That's a really good point. I didn't think of that. And I was wondering why Spark was here. Are the other two coming?"
"Well, Spark's also here for the family trip, but yeah. They got really good reception when they did the survey in Orre when we visited Candela's family a while back, and it's not like we have much to do during the week. We're just here early because FIR needed to be to set up. And frankly, I don't really see a point in going to the concert, because, well, #1, it's outdoors. #2, it's Falling In Reverse after 2023 and, well..."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT'S OUTDOORS?!" OTL started flailing about with rage, which would have been a lot more intimidating had the amount of layers he was wearing not restricted motion. It looked more like he was imitating a scarecrow than anything. "Okay, that's it; I'm calling my agent and we're cancelling."
The older Ronnie pulled out his phone, then loudly cursed again upon learning it didn't have service.
"I hate this place."
"You've been here less than 5 minutes." Luke and Daniel were sitting on one of the two bus terminal benches with their respective instrument cases, cuddled up next to each other and looking quite content with their position. Luke was the one to comment, probably because he had enough other projects that Ronnie firing him didn't much matter.
"That's all the time I need. And wait, how come Spark's friends didn't come up with you? How are they gonna get here?"
Spark had been watching Zane and helping them build a snowman off to the side of the terminal, but jerked his head up upon hearing his name.
"They're getting transport through the Pokemon League, and they won't be in the same lodging. They don't feel comfortable being around...well, you."
"Typical woke bit --" OTL apparently caught Spark, Arlo, 06, and to a lesser extent the other FIR guys glaring at him. "--ladies. They're scared to be around real men because they've uncritically bought the myth that we're incapable of self-control, so they settle for...you. And Arlo."
One of Spark's eyes started twitching. "Blanche isn't a lady."
"Well, she's got a cunt, right?"
Spark's voice became completely devoid of emotional expression, Arlo could swear it dropped about an octave, and it sounded colder than the surroundings.
"Iceberg, dead ahead."
"What's that supposed to --"
From the corner of his eye, Arlo caught the flash of a Pokeball opening, followed by a large snowball that rapidly rolled from Spark to Ronnie, then crashed into the back of OTL's legs, knocking him face-first into the snow. Spark's Electrode promptly shook the snow off itself and hopped back to its trainer, looking a bit like an exercise ball with nobody on it.
Ronnie groaned a bit, making quite the indent in the snow around him as he struggled to get his knees back under him. He immediately rounded on Spark, fists at the ready.
"You fucking [rhymes with guarded] Pokemon-bullshit cocksucker -- what happened to 'you can't use your pets to attack people', asshole? You wanna fight? You wanna go, buddy? Because I can! Right here! Right now! In the fucking snow, and I'd totally leave you die and they won't find you until you're, like, frozen in a fucking block of ice made of your own blood!"
Despite Ronnie being close enough to him that they could have kissed if they wanted to, Spark remained completely motionless, with no perceptible change in expression. This only pissed OTL off even more.
"Oh, don't try to pretend you're better than me! You're the one who decided to -- to --"
A gust of wind blew past, kicking up snow dust as it went (and knocking the head off of Zane's continued attempt at a snowman, which Arlo and 06 had moved to supervise while Spark was occupied). Everyone else shuddered a bit and those who were under the awning of the bus terminal ducked back further under it. OTL was reminded of the maxim that "wet clothes are worse than no clothes at all".
"Sh-sh-shit...didn't bring any coat other than this..."
He promptly shrank back and started trying to curl into a ball to preserve heat, staggering a bit as he reflexively stepped back. Remaining silent and not being able to present anything more to Spark than a pout, he put the hood up on his winter coat / hoodie layering -- only to end up cursing again, and wiping water out of what was left of his hair, because they had both gotten soaked when Spark had pushed him. Not that he didn't deserve it, but...
Arlo couldn't quite decide whether his response was mocking or not.
"Oh, you poor thing! Do you want me to hug you to make you warmer?"
Ronnie glared at Arlo and 06, who were still clinging to each other, more for the latter's benefit than Arlo's. Then he glared back at Spark. Then another burst of wind came through and he shivered again, including audible teeth chattering. With a sigh, he turned his head squarely towards the ground and spoke at a level that was just barely audible.
"...yes."
The older Ronnie trudged over and wrapped himself around the opposite side of Arlo to what 06 was on. He also grabbed the Drug In Me Is Reimagined throw off of 06's shoulders and wrapped himself in it. This did get 06 to stop growling at him, but the mood didn't change much.
"Hey!"
"First of all, it's mine. Second of all, you have a fur coat. You don't need it."
Arlo, from what could be seen of him in between the two larger men and his layering of scarves and such, was beaming.
"Well, I've gotten my Christmas wish."
"This is against my will. You're only slightly better than hypothermia."
"Aww, I love you too, Mr. Ronnie."