everything is frightening and distorted. everything seems okay until it’s not. when you come to the realization that whatever just happened was completely out of your control. and you know that it was, but did it ever really happen? or, are you finding another excuse. it’s emptiness, happiness, stress, anger, fear, anxiety, depression, derealization, dissociation, psychosis, paranoia, malice intent, suicide and more. and you feel it all at once, one or the other, or you believe you feel none. it’s the longing, the wanting and the need to be loved by all. to be praised. to be accepted. to be worshipped. because i know that i’m above whatever and whoever you praise. i am the one you praise. and if i’m not, why are you alive? but it never feels like it's enough. it’s never enough, no one is ever enough. and no one ever will be. and it’s eating me alive. like a disease rotting my brain. my emotions are distorted. i can't seem to understand them. it almost feels like they're not real. like my mind is trying to figure them out, but they exhibit too intensely. i can’t stop it. there’s no way to prevent it. it happens at will, it’s own will. like an endless noise ringing in my brain. who am i and what am i? when i feel i understand who i am, it all swirls and changes and is thrown to the curb. but i’m not mentally ill, i can’t be. i’m normal like everyone else. i’m okay, right? why wouldn't i be? it’s just me being dramatic, i’m sure. and now it’s fine. and now i don’t need to worry anymore. but sometimes i do. when it feels off. i guess now i’m fine and i don’t need to worry. but it never feels right. will it ever feel right? i don’t need it to, obviously. i’m unfocused and all over the place. overwhelmed with “emotion” and fear. seeing them. hearing them. hearing the laughter. emitting laughter. hurting those around me. hurting myself. wanting to hurt others for no reason it seems. wanting their organs to seep out. feeling like my organs are going to seep out. i’m not that type of person, do i appear to be? i could be. but i wouldn't listen to her. she’s not real. she pretends to be. she covers everything up. she hides it all.

would you give anything to hide it all?
i know i would. i know i’d give everything to end the screaming. but then again, what would i have going for me? maybe everything, maybe nothing. is it up to me to decide? or should i leave it to the millions of voices calling out in my head?

Edit

Pub: 06 Feb 2023 02:34 UTC

Edit: 15 Jul 2023 08:09 UTC

Views: 144