¹

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Drug / Weed mentions, addiction and light mentions of judging the reader. Proceed with caution.


Special Containment Procedures:
The current site that SCP-3214-J resides in is to not be disclosed. You're all freaks. - O5-1
Nobody, especially any Mobile Task Force, is to be around SCP-3214-J. They are to be locked in a 10 x 10 x 10 meter room that resembles a bedroom, with many 'P.L.U.R' and aesthetic related material in it. A group of at least eight level 4 researchers wearing heavy yellow hazmat suits are designated to watch the anomaly at all times.
If the anomaly asks to leave the containment cell, a researcher is to leash it and cover any showing skin with additional clothing. SCP-3214-J is to never leave the SCP Foundation's parameters, and is allowed only in the anomaly cafeteria.
SCP-3214-J is to not get in contact with the following subjects: SCP-035, SCP-076-2, SCP-105, SCP-106, SCP-2396. These are prone to causing a containment breach with the 'sugar rush' SCP-3214-J gives them.

Description:
SCP-3214-J is described as an overweight alien, who has white skin and green antennae tips. Their appearance is rather simple, as they look more cartoonish than realistic. They refer to themselves as 'Xem Pazeamor', with any pronouns and a lack of any attraction besides physical attraction. Though, they do not seem to dislike relationships of any kind. They are suspected to be from Planet 420K They are confirmed to be from Planet 420K, where most P.L.U.R and joke anomalies reside in our solar system.
Their anomalous properties come in handy when they come in physical contact with any being (including other anomalies), where the being will feel a sudden sense of peace and love flow over them, or sometimes, when coming in contact with an energized or powerful anomaly, such will become extremely out of control, in the context of containment and self-control. The being may start attaching onto SCP-3214-J, or start acting like an 'energized hippie', as described by Dr. Iceberg. It is currently unknown when the anomalous effects go away, as they range from hours to years. Other behaviors have been observed, such as being able to shoot out rainbow lasers from their body and floating.
Though they may seem to be good for your mental health, SCP-3214-J is considered addictive by the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA), saying that the anomaly has the same affects on the brain as taking two sniffs of cocaine and smoking weed, all while eating a pot worth of sugar.
SCP-3214-J is very smart and strong. They are able to speak almost all languages and an unknown alien language (which was revealed to be all just gibberish) See [THE OHUGLAR!]. They are able to tear down heavy metal doors and trees, but choose not to. Instead, they sleep on their Kuromi-themed bed and read manga.
Talking about sleepiness, SCP-3214-J is a very heavy sleeper. Talking about heaviness, they aren't. Which is shocking, due to their size. Furthermore, SCP-3214-J is sometimes energetic, but more often is chill, sleepy and a 'koala bear'. SCP-3214-J seems to have taken a heavy liking to the Foundation's Mobile Task Force, thus they tend to take their 'koala bear' side when they are around an MTF. Whenever SCP-3214-J sees one, they will try to cuddle with them as long as they can. If the MTF member reciprocates, and they're in public, they are to be separated from the anomaly and given "a slap on the wrist".
SCP-3214-J is often used as an emergency therapeutic replacement for SCP-999. If there is an emergency that involves mental breakdowns, meltdowns and anything extreme that involves harsh emotions where SCP-999 is not available in the Foundation at the moment. SCP-3214-J is also sometimes used to contain anomalies, but only if there are no other available Thaumiel anomalies.
Additionally, SCP-999 and SCP-3214-J must not be in the same room, otherwise an P-L-RK² Class Scenario could happen.
Discovery:
SCP-3214-J was discovered in December twenty first 2012, where they were seen hanging out at a small village in Japan. It was smoking weed near a building with one of the foundation's Mobile Task Force agents, Benjamin Benjamine Kondraki. The citizens of the village informed the foundation during the anomaly's containment that they were the only thing that kept the village in peace.
SCP-3214-J became extremely famous in Japan for keeping down dangerous anomalies that appeared in the country, so much so that they have appeared as mascots for various toy companies, being used in advertisements.
THE OHUGLAR!
The OHUGLAR is described as "alien weed". It is a purple tube that resembles a kazoo, and the smoke it puffs out is blue colored. Once someone takes it, said someone will enter SCP-3214-J's dimension, nicknamed "There's Bateman There". The dimension completely deteriorates the user's surroundings, randomizing everything around it. The one who is in the dimension is able to understand SCP-3214-J's "gibberish" language.


Footnotes:
1. Euclid-celaris-alterius means an alien anomaly (alterius) who's not to be interacted with (celaris) and is a pain to contain (euclid). Read more here.
2. A P-L-RK Class Scenario is when everyone in the world dies due to too much cuteness being in the air.


Edit
Pub: 27 Jan 2025 03:22 UTC
Edit: 08 Apr 2025 11:37 UTC