♡⠀ ⠀ .co/spiel⠀ —⠀ main⠀direct.⠀extend.

Day / Month / Year
hi twins , im #nikolai or #luciel and this is my diary . this is for fun , and if i say anything here that pisses you off . . that sounds like a you problem
- heeyyyy !! daily use template : here
Year: 2025
24 / 11 / 25
- well hi how are you . idc this is MY diary !! i redid this , my old diary thing was /quetzacoatl !!! pls dont check its so embarrassing actuallt . i sound like mt opp 😭😭 it rained really hard and we have this car project thing in science and it worked , #carrying the group 😛 EXAMS IN 1 WEEK IM PEEING MYSELF .
- summary
today was ok 😁 math was good 😁 - achievements
- got our car project to work
- got my commissions planned 😳😳
- checklist
-
finish history assignment before 11:59pm -
finish science presentation before 12:30pm tmr( lights went out ) -
start finishing computer assignment
25 / 11 / 25
- YUSSS second entry ! in science , we got our car tested and we got the furthest 2/3 times ! awesomeee , i need that A+ , i got 84% on my test 😭😭😭 so embarrassing like wtf dude . also we got our study guides for like 3 subjects
⠀ - summary
today was #decent ! not a lot of commission stuff is going to happen unfortunately but yeah !
⠀ - achievements
- got our car going YEAAHH
- understood math concepts . awesome .
⠀
- checklist
- finish presentation before 10pm
- finish history presentation
- finish poem
- start finishing computer assignment
30 / 11 / 25
- LAST WEEKEND BEFORE EXAMS SHIVERSSS . . . its okay cuz im smart and i remember majority of the content we learnt this year ! for that science project , our group got 100% WOO im so happy ! i finished my math , history and english study guides . . just remaining with science .
⠀ - summary
today was good ! im just tired and i gotta finish a presentation :( AND MY COMMS ARENT DONE SOBS
⠀ - achievements
- finished study guides
- slept well ig . . just ig tho HAHA
⠀
- checklist
-
finish commissions by 15/12/25 - finish computers presentation
⠀
31 / 12 / 25
- I FORGOT ABOUT THIS !!! HAPPY LAST DSY OF 2025 !!@ USGAHAHH I LOVED IT THIS YEAR !!
⠀ - summary
tis new years .
⠀ - achievements
- stayed alive
- kept my nitro
- lots of cool shit . like a 3.96 GPA ( highest is 4.00 )
⠀
Year: 2026
02 / 01 / 26
- Blah blah blah bllacksheep are you feeling good ?? 😂😂 are you really.feeling good 😂😂 ok but no noy really . j wany yo kill myself . nikos always fucking up friendships and relationships somehow . at this point , im no longet looking for a relatiomship because i dont care anymore . not like i feel anything real for more than 12 months too . it happened with vince AND koya , itll happrn with everyone else after . let me just find a boyfriend irl . it doesnt matter if he forsnt know im nkt a girl , it doesnt matter if he doesnt know thay im queer , i just need slmeone to love me in my age group . god i ficking hate my life . izzy just cofess and kisd me on mu birthday ill be your girl . anyway my birthday is in EIFHT days ! im turning 15 ! so excited ! cute ! cute ! cute ! also i love football so much im going to fucking GAG i love them . trevor belmont found pregnant and the father is nikolai
⠀ - summary
fucked up my friendship . will neber get into another one again .
⠀ - achievements
- watched bend it with beckham .
- found a lot of neymar and paqueta photos . loving the modramos .
⠀
- checklist
-
finish commissions - plan birthday .
13 / 01 / 26
- hmm today i feel very francis forever-ful in quite the negative manner . i feel like i am discovering that i am quite aromantic with a longing for the interactions and feeling of being loved even when i fully don't love them back . i really struggle with identifying something as deep as love , and i use it rather loosely majority of the time . i have my regrets about past relationships ( first ex , we broke up twice . one is my fault and my poor mental state ) of course . i do feel like my most recent romantic interest just replaced me with his now girlfriend , but people are entitled to their feelings changing . either way , its fine . i dont really care as much as i make it seem here .
- i really do appreciate and love my friends a lot . theyre so helpful and kind and lovingful and j cant stand iy . i dont feel like a good person but thet make me feel good 🥹🤍
⠀ - summary
basically going through a very francis forever-ish situation but i have my friends ! id take all my friends over a boy any day because atleast ik they wont leave me or break my heart without reason
⠀ - achievements
- talked
- articulated my feelings 🤔
⠀
- checklist
- finish math homework
- finish art homework
20 / 01 / 26
- I have no real way of articulating what I'm feeling , but I feel as if my world is crashing down on me . If you aren't aware , I am closeted transmasculine and gay , but due to my situation socially and at home , I am unable to tell my parents . I'm not sure if my parents are trans or homophobic , as my dad did host someone who spoke about LGBTQIA+ rights at his show and my mother told me she supports it all , but people can change . I've spent the past 5 years hiding who I am , hiding how I feel about my body , my breasts , my private area , everything . I don't feel as if this body is my own . I don't feel like this is mine . Every time I happen to touch my chest , I feel like ants are crawling everywhere on my body and that its all wrong . I can't bear it anymore . I can't bear feeling like this and not being to tell anybody in my life . I have constructed the perfect CisHet identity with my real name ( not deadname , I'm 100% comfortable with my given name as it is unisex and fits me well ) , someone who I really am not . It hurts . It hurts knowing that the people that I have surrounded myself for the past 10 years do not and will not support me if I come out . They are all homophobic and it hurts to know that only 3 people in my life are not like that . I hate knowing that the people I talk to all day are people who would shun me and who would curse my name , telling me to repent to God , telling me that I am unnatural and disgusting . I can't take it anymore . I am so exhausted with this facade that I'm falling into a genuine depressive episode that is already hindering my academics . No matter what I tell myself , will I always feel wrong ? Will I live my life knowing that I can only truly be happy when I leave the place I've called home for 15 years ? Will I have to stop talking to my friends , those I consider family and be shunned by people who'd hate me ? Why was I not born a boy . Why did God have to curse me like this , with these issues and trepidations . Even when I , as a little girl , prayed for days on end for something to change . For me to be who I want to . No , I'm not a tomboy , no , I'm not just going to be a "girly girl" in the future because this is a phase . Why must a society built on helping and loving others be filled with so much hate ?
- I want to cut my every body part that distinguishes me as a girl . I want to cut off my breasts , my privates , everything . I don't want to transition , but I need to in my eyes . I just want to be seen by someone in real life . I'm tired of my closest friends calling transgendered people and queer folk disgusting , unGodly and filthy when I am sitting right there . That's the worst part . They don't even know .
- I am on the brink of killing myself . I have exhausted all my acting skills . I've exhausted my tolerance .
10 / 02 / 26
- i just want to be happy