A Lonely loser's Diary

֍ I will make this a silly diary.


do you ever miss something that only exists in your fantasies. often do i find myself yearning for the places i've experienced a glimpse of while daydreaming and stimulating my synesthesia. an imaginary someone i can only reach during those hazy nights, when my longing is strong enough to reach them.


Ironically, the fantasy of this chokehold cradling my throat is the only thing that lets me breathe from this suffocating life. My sweetest desire is to dance with you to our favorite melodies, before we surrender ourselves to the relief of death. I would love nothing more than to share the most freeing moment one could ever experience with whom I adore most. It is something I've painfully yearned for ages, and found most comfort in during my miseries.


Initially I wanted to put some lighthearted wholesome diary entries on here to decorate but what if i just spill my insanity on here? still cutely of course


Getting told I love you or that I mean something special to someone makes me feel, even though i am desperate to feel wanted, well uncomfortable. My brain interprets it as a role I should work for to maintain. Then it becomes a bothering memory repeating in my mind that urges me to overdo proving myself, out of fear I cannot live up to what made them love me and it will get taken back. I'm afraid the words "I love you" will only continue to mean true for as long as I stay as however it was that made me seem loveable to them


funny spiral pattern

ocd compulsion > i lose sleep and eat > i get paranoid > i fuck up and get insecure > ptsd & npd spikes > delusions and psychosis


i have no motivation to do activities that wont get me any bit of validation

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Pub: 10 Aug 2022 23:03 UTC

Edit: 07 Oct 2025 07:37 UTC

Views: 310