A Lonely loser's Diary
 
  
 
֍ I will make this a silly diary.
AHHHH this looks cozy
do you ever miss something that only exists in your fantasies. often do i find myself yearning for the places i've experienced a glimpse of while daydreaming and stimulating my synesthesia. an imaginary someone i can only reach during those hazy nights, when my longing is strong enough to reach them.
Ironically, the fantasy of this chokehold cradling my throat is the only thing that lets me breathe from this suffocating life. My sweetest desire is to dance with you to our favorite melodies, before we surrender ourselves to the relief of death. I would love nothing more than to share the most freeing moment one could ever experience with whom I adore most. It is something I've painfully yearned for ages, and found most comfort in during my miseries.
Initially I wanted to put some lighthearted wholesome diary entries on here to decorate but what if i just spill my insanity on here? still cutely of course
Getting told I love you or that I mean something special to someone makes me feel, even though i am desperate to feel wanted, well uncomfortable. My brain interprets it as a role I should work for to maintain. Then it becomes a bothering memory repeating in my mind that urges me to overdo proving myself, out of fear I cannot live up to what made them love me and it will get taken back. I'm afraid the words "I love you" will only continue to mean true for as long as I stay as however it was that made me seem loveable to them
funny spiral pattern
ocd compulsion > i lose sleep and eat > i get paranoid > i fuck up and get insecure > ptsd & npd spikes > delusions and psychosis
i have no motivation to do activities that wont get me any bit of validation
my pmdd is awful :( it makes me have delusions about people hating me, planning to exploit and leave me. the slightest words or actions it can interpret or twist up as proof that i am hated, it will replay on loop in my head and the voices will chant until i get driven insane. it won't stop and it doesn't want to until i am exhausted and hurt enough, reminded of how truly ugly i am using those vivid and loud memories it forces me to watch on repeat. and i am utterly helpless to it. grounding myself is not an option i can do as the itch to relive all those won't leave me until i give in. as much as everyone tells me i should do something to get out of my head and not give in to the thoughts, it is not possible. how can i be expected to escape it when it's literally chanting and mocking loud in my head while the intrusive memories and scenarios are forced onto me repeatedly. hell i'm not "choosing to self pity" nor am i "not trying enough" i can swear to the heavens i am doing my all not to let them control me but it's not possible. all i can ever do is endure it and wait for it to eventually go away once it does the damage it wants to inflict onto me. selectively hearing and seeing what it wants to believe no matter how much reassurance i get. everything, it will take as a personal attack towards me. i can't make it stop no matter how much i want to. subconsciously, i end up provoking those around me. even if im not aware/it's unintentional, my head wants a reason to justify the feeling it has that i'm horribly unwanted and will be abandoned.
it hurts so much seeing myself unable to control those and face the consequences of my actions i never wanted to do on my own will. i don't know how to live with the fact that i keep ending up hurting people i love during these times while unable to do anything about it. i'll get told that my disorders do not reflect my true worth and personality, but those faults consume me until i can no longer breathe in my own body.
i cannot determine whether cutting off two mutuals due to the discomfort i feel around them is reasonable or if it's just a short term feeling my pmdd is causing. eitherway i feel like it'd be better to keep it that way so as to no longer have them become the subject of my semi monthly splits and heading finding the closest person to project paranoia and insecurity onto.
the sight of anyone alone triggers me because this head fully believes everybody dislikes me. and so going out there to socialize is just putting myself around people who make me feel unwanted. i am WELL AWARE that is is my own insecurities and fears getting projected, but i legit cannot make them stop no matter how much i try to ground myself or talk sense to this brain out of it. im not merely exaggerating or choosing to self pity or not trying hard enough.
The funny allergic reaction i get when i get looked upon as something great. Might be Impostor Syndrome ™ but also it terrifies the shit out of me. What happens during the times when I cannot always be the person they saw me as, at that exact moment? Will the declared love for me get taken back? I'd rather not hear it. Hearing anyone express and describe their perception of me feels as if I'm getting told the appearance of a someone I need to live up to so as to not lose the love I've been given, and that scares me. Potential loss and grief is something I'd like to avoid as much as possible
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