A Lonely loser's Diary

֍ I will make this a silly diary.
AHHHH this looks cozy
do you ever miss something that only exists in your fantasies. often do i find myself yearning for the places i've experienced a glimpse of while daydreaming and stimulating my synesthesia. an imaginary someone i can only reach during those hazy nights, when my longing is strong enough to reach them.
Ironically, the fantasy of this chokehold cradling my throat is the only thing that lets me breathe from this suffocating life. My sweetest desire is to dance with you to our favorite melodies, before we surrender ourselves to the relief of death. I would love nothing more than to share the most freeing moment one could ever experience with whom I adore most. It is something I've painfully yearned for ages, and found most comfort in during my miseries.
Initially I wanted to put some lighthearted wholesome diary entries on here to decorate but what if i just spill my insanity on here? still cutely of course
im officially unable to say anything anymore without the doom telling that this is all over for me and i must migrate into a different space and start under a different persona because im unwanted everywhere
i fear overstaying my welcome. i can never stay in one place for too long. i get exhausted. no person is exempted from my paralyzing fear. the impostor syndrome, insecurities, suffocating need to people please all act up when i'm in the smallest social interactions no matter how close i am with the person. loneliness is more bearable.
there's this weirdly suffocating heartache i feel when i witness people i love get mocked by others. im not sure why, maybe it's because rejection and humiliation is my biggest fear that hurts me more than anything else. so seeing people i love go through that brutally tears my heart, and especially when i can't do anything to stand up for them since im a coward.
Funny how the most effective coping mechanism of mine against loneliness is isolation. It's not supposed to work that way since loneliness means you need to connect more right? But even around people, friends that I interact with, the loneliness doesn't leave. And so it's not a matter of being around people or not to me. Rather, it's the feeling deep down that I'm unwanted and insignificant even when surrounded by many. Which is why staying away from people that only keep triggering that loneliness within me and resort to isolation works more for me. I am not blaming people for my own feelings of inadequacy, I'm well aware it's an issue within me and not really about however others treat me. Though when I'm unable to relieve that loneliness through any form of connection, eliminating the factor that makes me feel like I'm trying to fit in somewhere I'm no longer welcome is the only solution. Trying to stay around only makes me feel worse.
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vent oc sona idea. a tiger? formerly locked up in a zoo cage, was trained to be a performer???
or alternatively morphing abilities which were initially seen as a gift, yk taken advantage of and used for
whoa my menstruation started bleeding out today and this is huge relief to me ❤️🩹 it's confirmation that my horrible relapse and past solid 3 days of suicidal episode was only because of my hormones. i had been so convinced i fit the description of what a toxic abuser is and had been contemplating whether to finally push the knife up my throat. those days were filled with so much suffocating shame and uncontrollable urges like the usual pmdd phase. I AM OUTTTT
Brah my fragile sensitive ass ego cant let me function normally in any social interaction. my insecurities get triggered over anything im so fucking tired of it. no reassurance nothing works to stabilize me cause it needs an earned ego boost that involves objectifying myself in the process
i want to do it but im scared of dealing with the consequences of a failed attempt, especially if it leaves me chronically damaged and that would make living feel like hell even more.
ramble time anyways i recently saw someone say motherhood is objectifying and that reminded me again. parenthood has both objectified my parents and had them pretty much reduced to become providers for us until legal age. lose time for their own personal life after getting the responsibility to raise and take care of us. i know it was their choice to start a family and all this, but still i feel bad for some parents. with how that objectification of them results in them projecting their unfulfilled feeling, by pushing expectations and a lot of things on their children. which they aren't really aware of. in order for them to feel like they didn't fail their role as a parent, they need to see results of their child growing up into their ideal adult. it's sad for both parties.
my conclusion: we should have all never existed and made families
slash half joke, i didn't really consider the positive sides and other's different experience to it, so my view and conclusion of this is biased
i know it sounds cringe and edgy talking about the common event almost everyone has experienced. getting tired of the facade you kept putting on that you no longer know yourself. but having no real self to come back to and losing yourself in a cycle of trying to run away from that emptiness is still agonizingly tiring sometimes. terrifying too
i never know how to talk about this without sounding like an edgy self pitying loser, do i need to rip my hair and scream
it's exhausting trying to keep up with the disorder urging me to maintain or renew into a likable and relevant persona that'll allow continuous supply to come my way. what if i dont wanna do this
andddd i don't really have a choice, if i dont want to starve and have meltdowns i need to keep doing that
it's all fun and free until i end up in situations where i need to base and commit something on a stable identity but i dont have that. it's gonna be a hassle in the long run when i keep switching
wanting to be everything i end up becoming nothing, /silly
it's funny how my brain will exaggerate the traits i have that my most recent kin/copinglink has and represses the ones they don't have just so i can feel more valid when i want to claim i highly feel like them
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idk how to live without something ive been conditioned to rely on since i was a toddler
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