AC: @senkacz on Twitter / X

Hai my name is Finn ‎ & ‎ this is my little diary thing as of 08.14.24 (*´ ᴗ`)

If you have somehow found this diary ‎ & ‎ you know who I am, PLEASE just ignore it ‎ & ‎ don't share it. This is very personal.



𝟶𝟾 . 𝟷𝟺 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, i have a rly bad headache rn & i hate it so much hsnahend.

i went to bed at like 12am last night for the first time in years but i still woke up at 10am bro..


𝟶𝟾 . 𝟷𝟻 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, i have been feeling so mentally drained lately and i have no idea why. i have been bored and too tired of doing even the things i enjoy doing, the thing is i get these boosts of motivation like i want to do something productive or just making something i enjoy, but then they'll go away right as soon as i start doing that thing ;-;;

not only all that but i feel like i disappoint everyone, my friends want to play games with me but i always turn them down because i am too tired and i get bored of playing it almost immediately ( ´ ᴖ ` ) theres nothing i can do thay doesnt make me feel this way and its starting to affect me in a bad way.

i woke up this morning staring at my phone screen and doing literally nothing at all. i didnt know what to go on because i was so bored of it all. im trying my best to do things in hopes to not feel this way anymore and its working alright for now but im not sure if it will later on.


𝟶𝟾 . 𝟷𝟽 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, today we watched the movie bubble & it was rly good, we as in me sikx & suga (*´ω`)

i also had a lot of fun today idk why but i did!! i think im starting to feel a bit better with myslef im trying my best to do productive things & stuff like trying new things etc

im happy abt today it was rly good


𝟶𝟾 . 𝟷𝟾 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, sorry this ones a bit upsetting..

theres nothing i want to do & its starting to get so difficult, i hate this. my bf wants to play something but i feel so tired & drained for no reason at all.

idk what is wrong with me. why do i feel this way so often & why does it have to happen when everyone wants to do stuff with me ( ´ ᴖ ` ) i just want to feel okay but i never do & i dont know how to help it. im so tired of this.

i feel like im outside of my body, like everything around me isn't real & im in a dream. i feel sick like i've seen something terrible but i haven't. im crying but i feel nothing at all. i cant seem to process anything, i'm so weak & tired but my body wont let me sleep.

i feel so terrible & guilty i dont know why i feel like i did something wrong. i do everything wrong nothing i do is ever good i hate myself i hate everything why cant i do anything why cant i be good enough for anyone i just want to please everyone but i cant i want everyone to feel okay but i cant do that & i feel guilty for it even tho i know i shouldn't i still do & i hate it so so so much. i just want this all to go away i want to be okay is that too much to ask for i hate this life but if i leave it wont fix anything it'll just make people upset which is not something i want. theres so many things i want to live for but i feel like i cant do this anymore. its getting to the point where i rly dont want to be here again & i cant handle it.


𝟶𝟾 . 𝟷𝟿 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, i feel rly bad because i had asked my friend to call so we did, later she said she didnt feel good and when sikx asked why she dmed her and i snooped because i was nervous and she had said thay we ignore and talk over her ( ´ ᴖ ` )

i feel so bad i didnt even realize. thatbwas the only bad thing abt today, otherwise today was alright.


𝟶𝟾 . 𝟸𝟶 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, haiaia its the morning rn & im rly happy today (*´ω`) im eepy but i feel super motivated & good today so YAYAYA!!

ugh im having that weird boredom feeling again where i just sit here staring at my homepage on my phone (ToT) idk what to do. maybe i will watch youtube & draw or something.

it feels like everything is falling apart & idk what to do anymore. a lot of my friends feel left out of our group & it makes me so upset. aeris left all of our gcs including the one of just me her and sikx. i feel like i did something wrong idk what to do. atleast i have sinjin drowning to make me feel better.


𝟶𝟾 . 𝟸𝟷 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, im so eepy its 12am but anyways

today was SUPER good althought it was very crowded (◞‸ ◟) i had so much fun playing roblox with sikx & vesper & now im so tired.

although some shit did happen today i still am happy with the outcome of it all because i had good day (*´ω`)


𝟶𝟿 . 𝟶𝟹 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, today was alright. i was super tired the whole day & still am rn but yk its fine i guess

i feel terrible becus sikx wants to play stuff but im too tired ( ´ ᴖ ` ) i wanna play with them but id rather just watch youtube while making stuff on my pages & socials

also i think its thunder storming outside cuz i heard a big rumbling noise


𝟶𝟿 . 𝟶𝟽 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, so first the other day i got banned on ponytown for bad language which im almost certain that the reason i got banned was because these racist russians had reported me for telling them to die after they made a really gross copy of my raiden ei skin (who is black) and made the name say "eww why am i black" in russian. i believe i had a good reason for telling them to off themself tbh i just cant believe i got banned for it dawg. but ill be able to back on it in like 4 hours SO YAYAYYA !!!

also last night my cat mocha had gotten stuck to this fly catcher that had what we thought was very toxic stuff in it so i had to chase her around the house to help her get it off and when i did we put her in the bath and she freaked out so bad. she got me and my mom soaking wet. my mom couldnt get all of the stuff off her paw and we were scared because she kept licking it and since we thought it was toxic we were so worried. we later found out that it is not toxic and it can only give her a small tummy ache so thats good. since i had ran around the house and bent over to pick her up which she is so heavy btw, i think i mightve pulled something in my side because it hurts so bad. even breathing hurts and i could barely sleep last night because of it ( ´ ᴖ ` )

other than all of this i am feeling kinda okay i guess. i feel a bit sick like my body is aching and i feel super tired. sikx is also sick so maybe they got me sick through the phone /j i might continue this writing later as my day has p much just started still cuz its only 1pm.

okay so today was rly overwhelming & painful i hated it so much tbh ( ´ ᴖ ` ) it started out okay but now i feel so drained & just upset & icky. idk why i feel this way im in so much pain i hate it so much.


𝟶𝟿 . 𝟷𝟻 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, its been 2 days with sikx gone im so like upset i cant stop crying bro. i cant even listen to music because i just cry to it. i feel so lonely i feel like if i were to ask someone to do something theyd just ignore me or be asleep. i miss sikx so much i hate having attachment issues.

i stayed up till like 4 last night & the night before & i feel so vulnerable rn. im overwhelmed & just upset. idk what to do theres nothing at all.


𝟶𝟿 . 𝟷𝟾 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, i hate how everytime i want to ask for something like reassurance, i get this pit in my stomach that just makes me cry and feel as if id just be a huge burden if i asked for help or stated a need of mine. not being able to ask for things is making my life so much more stressful and i dont know what to do about it or how to help it at all. i havent been to therapy for like 4 months so theres no way for me to get help rn anyways. all i do is overthink and i hate it so much.

i feel so alone

i hve been sitting ehre staring into nothing forthw past 20 minutes i feel rly dissociative like everythignisnt here, like im not in my body or soemthing & im crying still but i feel nothing , so its just tears with no feeling. i cant process anyhting holy sjit


𝟷𝟶 . 𝟶𝟼 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, i think me finally just saying the way i feel to people when i need to makes me feel so much better. i finally just let it out & said what i needed & talked it through & i feel so good like all of that weight is lifted off my back & its so nice. i worry about being super brutally honest with people, but honestly i think doing that is so worth it. it feels so good after when u just say it as it is. yes u might feel a bit bad after but in the end it rly truly helps.


𝟷𝟶 . 𝟷𝟻 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, okay so like i havent eaten enough in like 3 days bro. i only had half a croissant for breakfast & 6 dino nuggets with rice yesterday, & today i had pancakes & chocolate bar & nothing else for the rest of the day (ToT) this is something but also im starting to realize how much i hate my body & its causing me to fall back into bad habits again & i think this is apart of it. i also am super sick rn so it could just be all that too idfk but yea i just eanted to rant abt this.. im super dissociated rn so like i dont even kneo what im saying much helo im alwo my head feels like someone is putting pressure on it like squeezing or soemthing & i cant keep like a solid thought my mind is just like zooming through it all. anyways ya


𝟷𝟷 . 𝟷𝟻 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, I absolutely adore Curly, he is definitely one of my favourites, but I really don't like the way people hate on him for being a morally grey character. Curly told Anya that he would talk to Jambalaya about what he had done, because he knew it was wrong & knew that if he didn't tell her that he would talk to him, she would be extremely stressed & would be in a bad state of fear. He very clearly does not support Jambalaya's actions or anything of the sort, he just did what he had to do, because if you actually payed attention, you'd know that Curly & Jambalaya were really close friends, so he wanted to make sure he stayed on his good side. Since Curly is the captain, one of his main goals is to be seen as a trustworthy person that anyone would be comfortable to go to when there is any kind of issue. He didn't not talk to Jambalaya because he wanted to backstab Anya, he didn't talk to him because he had to keep up this image & he felt bad for Jambalaya. In the beginning of the game when Curly & Jambalaya go into the cockpit to talk, Jambalaya talked about his issues & the stress that his life had gave to him. He quite literally said he looked up to Curly & was practically jealous of him because of how differently they were both seen by others & his own self. Curly cared for him & didn't want to make him stress anymore than he already was. He very much knew Anya was right about everything she said & knew what he did was terrible, but he also seems to have a very empathetic personality, especially to the people he is & / or was close with.

The scene where Curly starts laughing randomly when Jambalaya takes the gun from the drawer on his bed was so insane. It really shows that Curly knew Anya was right. He knows how Jambalaya is & the fact that he did exactly what Anya said he would just adds so much to it all.

I found the whole symbolism with Anya's pregnancy to be so well made & perfectly written. There were so many signs leading up to us finding out what happened to her, like when she asked Curly why they have locks on the medical room door but not in the sleeping quarters, her seeming more timid & uncomfortable when playing as Jambalaya but while playing as Curly she was super happy & fun, the way she made Jambalaya give Curly his pills because she hated the noises he made & didn't like not having his consent, & so on. Thinking about it all makes me realize how sad it genuinely was ( ´ ᴖ ` ) I feel for Anya & adore her so so much.

All of the things related to Swansea & Daisuke too. Swansea only wanted good for Daisuke, I swear he loved him as if he was his own child. He would always act so irritated & mad at him but in reality he just wanted him to stop acting like an idiot & do something with his life since he was young & able. He quite literally just wanted him to have the life that he could never have & I think thats so sad. The way we found out that he hadn't saved the Cryopod for himself, but instead for Daisuke made me cry genuine tears. I truly hated how he had to kill him & just knowing it had to be done because of how bad his infection was just made it so much more painful.


𝟷𝟸 . 𝟸𝟺 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, I am super upset as I don't get to open any presents tomorrow because of money issues ( ´ ᴖ ` ) It doesn't feel like christmas whatsoever, it feels like any normal day. We don't even have our christmas tree up at all nor do we have any of it out & ready to be put up.

I just know i'm gonna wake up tomorrow to my friends so happy waking up to their presents & opening them with their families while i'm here forced to listen with absolutely nothing to unwrap or even be truly excited about. Am I stupid for feeling sad over this? I know there are people who have it way worse than I do so just getting upset over these things makes me feel really dumb & guilty ( ´ ᴖ ` )

I miss when we lived in Illinois & had our entire family there & when we weren't financially struggling at all because we had the support of our family. I want to wake up excited, I wanna have a hard time sleeping on christmas night due to my own excitment. I miss it all so much I hate having nothing I want to cry.


𝟷𝟸 . 𝟸𝟽 . 𝟸𝟺 ,, this is about a dream i had last night

i had a friend which i dont remember his name but he was similar to someone i knew in real life but with a mix of koichi hirose (ToT) basically we had met these people who had like idk what they were but they were colourful and they would give u some sort of like power thing i guess?? and we ended up becoming friends with a lot of other people and i dont remember much of that but i know we got these things and everyone of us was dying one by one and in like the most brutal ways possible and like it would replay over and over in a loop and it was so scary.

and then i woke up and took nap and the dream continued. this one i was alive and basically i had figured out how to revive (kinda) evryone and it was bascially u had to go back to the place the people had died and repeat their power name 3 times out loud and then say their name but the only way they would be able to hear and see u too was if they did the same thing with ur power and name too. and we basically went back to all of those places and it was so weird we were all dead but ghosts basically and only we could see each other, and then it was like we were in some sort of genshin type world istg we were in natlan or some shit and i had to save another one of them there and it was so weird and a lot (ToT) one of them was another girl in the dreams ex boyfriend and we had accidentally revived him without thinking and she was upset at that but we kinda needed him to help us or wheatever.

and then after that my dream kinda changed a bit and i was having a sleepover type thing with 2 of the girls i nthe same dream yada yada whatever and it was like rly scary becuz none of our families were home so we just did whatever and we ran around in the streets and shit.

but also the weird thing is that the house and street i lived on was the same as all of my other dreams i had like on other days WHICH IS WEIRD ITS ALWAYS THE SAME HOUSE AND NEIGHBORHOOD ITS SO SCARY ??? but yea thats all i can rly remember ( ´ ᴖ ` )


𝟶𝟷 . 𝟶𝟽 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, yall i just woke up from a nap & istg i had a mini heart attack

i forgot when i went to nap & assumed it was like at 11pm so when i woke up & saw 11 i thought it was the morning but then i was like wait its too dark to be 11am so i looked at the day & completely thought i had went back in time like some sort of matrix type shit i was so scared & confused & then i looked at my bgfs messages for me to see that i actually went to nap at 7pm (ToT)


𝟶𝟷 . 𝟹𝟷 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, I have this tic where I voluntarily make my ears rumble with the muscle in them & it bothers me so so much. When it happens I can't talk or else it heavily overwhelms me & sometimes it's too hard to talk to the that point I have to pause in the middle of my sentences to help it stop a bit before I can continue ( ´ ᴖ ` ) It's really hard for me I genuinely hate it so fucking much.


𝟶𝟸 . 𝟶𝟺 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, il fatto che la gente pensi davvero che io stia fingendo quali lingue parlo E QUALE SIA LA MIA ETNICITÀ ??? giuro che la gente è pazza. comunque, io e sikx abbiamo giocato a red dead redemption che è super divertente e mi piace molto finora (*´ω`) ill write more later im eepy

Ho appena fatto un pisolino, ma è stato come se non avessi dormito affatto e non ho idea di come spiegarlo.


𝟶𝟸 . 𝟷𝟻 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, They keep trying to tell me I cannot move on from the issues that we once had when I literally have tried my best to for so long (ToT) I have blocked so many of the memories of them out of my mind due to the pain they caused me but they still believe that I can't get over anything. They even tried to tell me they're not an abuser nor were they ever, when that's the biggest lie I have ever heard. They caused me to live in fear & even had me neglecting my own partner. I was afraid to go against them in any kind of way. They have done so much more but those things are extremely personal & they scare me to even speak abt ( ´ ᴖ ` ) I have moved on the best I can from these things but it's also something that had affected & still affects me to this day, so it's not that easy. I just wish they would leave me alone. I wasn't even trying to get their attention nor was I targeting them when I had redone my blacklist rentry. I am so sick of being told to forget abt these types of things. I WAS ABUSED & HEAVILY MANIPULATED I CAN'T JUST BE ALL FINE & DANDY. Yes it was 2 years ago but 2 years has past so quickly that it feels as if it was just a couple months ago. These things affect me & have made me a completely different person in a way. I hate how a 19 year old is trying to tell me to get over something this serious. If they think that I ruined their life then maybe they need to rethink. I was not the only person involved nor had I done anything as bad as they might have to them. It took me so long to detach myself from them, the amount of times I had reached out to them after everything bcs I missed them was insane. I just need them to grow up & realize the shit they did to me. They should know but instead they keep trying to justify that "i've gotten better & i'm in therapy getting help for myself. I've healed & moved on!" I don't care. Grow up. This will be the last I ever speak abt them. I don't want anything to do with them or their stupid friends. I just needed to yap abt this as it is rly bothering me.


𝟶𝟸 . 𝟸𝟸 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, I have not been able to breathe right for the past 24 hours if not more by now. I can barely get up without feeling dizzy & as if I am going to fall over. When I am standing up for too long I start to sweat a lot & am unable to control my breathing. It feels like I have a big weight on my chest thats causing me to have to breathe so deeply through my mouth bcs I don't get enough air when I breathe through my nose. I feel so terrible, i'm so scared bcs my mom believes I might have pneumonia or something worse ( ´ ᴖ ` )


𝟶𝟺 . 𝟷𝟹 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, At 5AM on March 18th ,2025 ,I was abruptly woken up by my mom who was crying & hyperventilating while trying to explain what was going on.She said that my dad was unconscious in the living room & that he had what she believed to be a seizure at the time.In this moment I was half asleep & very dissociated.I think about 5-10 minutes later we were told to go into the living room so we could talk to the lady who was going to help us & take us to the hospital.We walked out of our room (me & my sister) & I stood in the hallway listening & trying to gather myself.That specific moment was when I had the realization of what was happening & finally snapped out of my drowsiness.All these feelings started rushing through me ,it was like "holy shit this is actually happening" ,along with lots of panic & worry.I have never been good at comprehending my emotions ,let alone understanding them & in this moment I was so overwhelmed by all of it that it was almost way too much for me to handle.

We all decided to go to the hospital.All I could think about during that entire drive was things I wish I could've done with & said to my dad.I thought about things we used to do when I was a kid ,I thought about so many memories to the point that I could not stop crying.Me & my dad used to be so close when I was young.I was a huge daddy's girl ,but since I've grown older ,I sort of strayed away from that & became very introverted towards everyone.My mom often told me how my dad wanted to talk to me more & get to know the me I am today ,he wanted to know all the things I liked & form a better relationship with me.I never got to do that.I just sort of stayed the way I was & never really talked to him personally.I wish I did.I regret not trying to.In the hospital we got to see him.They let us know that he was in a medically induced coma meaning he was unable to move & talk at the moment ,but he could hear us.I got to tell him that I love him & that he would be okay.They told us that he had flat lined for about 30 minutes in the ambulance & ended up coming back after.That's insane.He was truly fighting through it all.( ´ ᴖ ` )

He was then transferred to another hospital which specialized in heart related things & had a cath lab ,which was needed for his procedure.While we were sitting there waiting for what felt like hours of absolute hell ,we heard an announcement that was letting staff know there was a code blue in the cath lab.(Code blue means flat line) In this moment there was so much panic & worry going through me ,my mom & sister were also feeling this way ,I was so numb & ended up dissociating heavily.The hospitals chaplain had walked by while this was happening & helped us so much.She asked the doctors if the code blue was for my dad & later came back & said it was ,but reassured us he was going to be okay.She had us go into a more private room that had a couch & a couple chairs so we were all able to sit.We then had a few doctors come into the room to let us know that everything was okay.We waited even longer & had got another announcement for a code blue ,which again ,was my dad.This time he came back immediately after & was back up & ready for the procedure.A lot of the stuff after this is a huge blur because of how delirious & fatigued I was.All I remember is seeing him being moved out of the cath lab & down the hall where we got to speak to him again.He was transferred to another hospital.I ended up staying home for the rest of the day due to chronic pain issues.

I stayed home the next day until my mom called me & told me & my sister to get ready ,as she was going to come home & pick us up so we could all go to the hospital.This was because they were going to tell us if he was braindead or not ,so we needed to be there.Almost exactly the moment we got there he ended up coding blue again.Having to see this happen right in front of your eyes is so terrifying.The doctor there told us that he had swelling in the brain.This didn't mean he was braindead ,however ,it is not good at all.We sat there watching him be given CPR & shocks ,it was so painful & terrifying to see & I cannot get the image out of my head even if I tried.We then heard a doctor tell the others to stop doing CPR ,I was confused & scared because I didn't know what they mean't.My mom & sister started crying & I sort of began to realize this mean't he was gone & they were unable to help any longer.I think this was genuinely the worst feeling I had ever felt in my entire life.It was like my heart just dropped & shattered into a million pieces that stabbed me over & over again.I sat there dissociating & feeling completely numb.I got to touch him & tell him I love him before we left.His face was pale & his lips were slightly purple.He was so cold.It was terrifying & it hurt so bad to see it.That entire car ride home was such a blur ,I don't even remember anything that happened the rest of the day.I was so out of it & in a complete state of denial & shock.This is something that you usually assume would happened by the time you were atleast 40+ ,but I am only 16.My dad was 46 years old ,he did not deserve to go this early at all.

There are a few things that did happen after he passed that I would like to share.Almost immediately after his passing ,we saw a mourning dove land on the windowsill & sit there for about a minute or so.If you didn't know ,it is believed that mourning doves appear when someone is grieving the loss of a loved one & may be a visit from the person who passed.They are said to bring a message of hope & encouragement ,as well as a sign of new beginnings.I think thats so beautiful.A little while later my grandma heard the little jingle they play when a baby is born.Just yesterday my mom came to me & told me there was a mourning dove on our back porch.It ended up staying for a little while ,later moving to the ground. The moment she took her phone out for a picture ,it flew away.

I miss everything he would do with me & my sister ,I miss when he would take us out & bring us to fun places just out of the blue ,I miss when he would come home at 2AM with snacks for us ,I miss all of his stupid Temu orders ,I miss when he would say goodbye & I love you before he went to work ,I miss when he had helped record me & my cousins first YouTube videos ,I miss all of the silly faces he'd make ,I miss him so so much.

To further explain ,my dad had a very sudden heart attack caused by a blood clot in his main artery.This heart attack is called a widowmaker.My grandpa had this same issue ,however ,it was noticed way sooner ,meaning he was able to get rid of the clot before the heart attack could happen.Unfortunately my dad was not so lucky.Both me & my sister will be getting checked for this since it is hereditary.


𝟶𝟺 . 𝟷𝟹 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, Bro the weirdest shit keeps happening to me (ToT) I saw a video of this girl on Tiktok & was like "OMG she looks like another Tiktoker I know" ,RIGHT ?I THEN SCROLL TO THE NEXT VIDEO & ITS THE EXACT PERSON I WAS JUST THINKING THE GIRL ABOVE LOOKED LIKE ON LIVE ???HELLO ?

NOT ONLY THAT ,the other day I downloaded this app I saw an ad for on Tiktok right ,I never actually ended up going on the app after it downloaded because I completely forgot (ToT) So I decided to go on it just now & left Tiktok without looking at the video I was last on ,okay ?Right after I went back to Tiktok & realized ,the video I was on before I went to the other app WAS THE SAME FUCKING AD FOR THE APP THAT I DOWNLOADED & WAS JUST USING.WTF (ToT)


𝟶𝟺 . 𝟷𝟺 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, wh yis it that all i can think abt is how fucking terrible i look & what ppl think of me everytime i try to get ready to go absolutely ANYWEHRE . i sat on my bed for a good like 20 or 30 minutes maybe crying while staring at the same spot on the floor bcs all i coukd think abt was how i hate myself & would rather not even be here bcs all i do is make everynody upset. i jsut make them feel like they need to do everything for me & i hate mgself so fucking much i hate this i jusf ijdont even know what to do anymore

god i hatemgself sof much i just kill me bro


𝟶𝟺 . 𝟸𝟹 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, hey gang its 5am & ive been up all night (ToT) i have been having issues sleeping for like the past 5 or so days dawg im so tired.LET ME SLEEP PLEASEES </3

i see the sun coming up its so silly

okay its 6am now & i just had a chocolate muffin & i took my meds so i guess im up for the day ( ˆ ᗜ ˆ )

it is currently 8am & im so friggin tired ( ´ ᴖ ` ) i swear ive tried to lay down & sleep about 3 times now & i literally cant for the life of me.IDK WHATS WRONF IM SO UPSET & TIREDD

maybe i have like insomnia or somethjng idk man i just wanna sleep but my brain has too much to think abt ...

its okay atleast i have this baby.his name is leaf & he is my son ,do not be rude to him or else i will skin u.

he is matching with my friend fyrene who has the same one except his name is clover & they r siblings (*´ω`)


𝟶𝟺 . 𝟸𝟺 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, hey gang i just woke up & its 12pm & i went to bed at like 2am or 3am i cant remember (*´ω`) anyways i was playing cookie run & i got 4 epics in one pull HELLO ?i didnt even know tbat was possible (ToT)


𝟶𝟺 . 𝟸𝟽 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, hi guys i lowkey forgot abt this whoopsie ^_^

im so tired rn i could fall asleep ,but i dont wanna cuz i just know imma sleep till like 9pm (ToT)

chat i am staying strong & not falling asleep !its 6pm i just need to make it to 9pm ghats all 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 why is there so many views on this im scared ...


𝟶𝟺 . 𝟸𝟾 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, HELLO ITS 2pm & i woke up idk i cant remember when bcs i dont think i was fronting (ToT)

ANYWAYS ,im lowkey upset rn bcs someone inspoed the same person that i had inspoed for my main rentry & made it the same character i did & stuff (◞‸ ◟) THERES NOTHING WRONF WITH THAT AT ALL im just rly upset bcs it looks so much better than mine ...(ToT) they know how to edit stuff much better so im a tad bit jealous ^_^ BUT ITS WHATEVER theyre cool anyways plus theyre allowed to do what they want ,duh

my head hurts so friggin bad ( ´ ᴖ ` ) maybe its bcs i havent eaten since i woke up but uhm yk ^_^ im getting ibuprofen & making mozzarella sticks (*´ω`)


𝟶𝟺 . 𝟸𝟿 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, hey chat today i made my first ever rentry commission & IM SO SO HAPPY WITH IT & SO IS THE OTHER PRRSON !!!i will be getting 800-1000 robux for it (*´ω`)

anyways BE PROUD OF ME CUZ I HAVENT TAKEN A NAP AT THE END OF THE DAY IN 3 DAYS SO I CAN SLEEP NORMALLY NOWW UAYYAY


𝟶𝟻 . 𝟶𝟸 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, today is gonna be a yap abt random shit (*´ω`)

one time in 8th grade we had a special ed student in our art class & she was so silly i loved her (ToT) but one day we were chatting & stuff & this girl comes up to my ex friend & KISSES HIM JUST OUT OF NO WHERE (ToT) he felt so violated & i tormented him by reminding him of it throughout our entire friendship (ToT) ITS SO FUNNY I CANT IDK WHY SHE DID THAT

MY CAT PISSED ON THE FUCKING STOVE BRO ( ´ ᴖ ` ) my mama is trying to cook & it stinks so bad so we found out its bcs mocha peed on the stove ugh.WHY FORS SHE DO YHID IM GONNA SOB (ToT) shes laying with me now i am telling her not to do that again


𝟶𝟻 . 𝟶𝟻 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, This is a poem I made

"Numbers."

Living life as nothing but a number
Children who wanted to be loved
Humiliated ,punished & used
Manipulated to do as they are told
Forced to pray to a god that cannot save them

Living life as nothing but a number
Children who got everything taken from them
Corrupted ,abused & tormented
Stripped of their innocence
Forced to behave for their captors

Living life as nothing but a number
I wander through the empty field
Pacing ,waiting for the day I can be free
Until then I bask in my sorrow
A child who has been locked in a cage


𝟶𝟻 . 𝟶𝟼 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, hi im eating pizza o think i got a crumb in my eyeball pls hrkp m


𝟶𝟻 . 𝟶𝟽 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, hai guys !sikx got me a ton of dahlia related urls & im supa happy abt it ( ´ ᴗ`) they got his cons & stuff so im rly happy.

i was supposed to go get a tattoo today but i ended up staying home bcs im sick ( ´ ᴖ ` ) i will be getting it next week instead !wish me luck guys im nervvouss ...


𝟶𝟻 . 𝟶𝟾 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, hey gang tmrw i am going to visit my family in illinois so we going on plane & stiff im so tired also nvm abt the tattoo next week cus im gonna be in illinois

anyways my mama is making me pizaa so yayaya


𝟶𝟻 . 𝟶𝟿 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, okay so actually i dont think we are gonna be able to go to illinois.my mama cant find her birth certificate which means shes not able to get on the plane ,but she is trying to get some sort of paperwork for her to be able to get on so i hope she can get it & if not ,then iguess we arent going ( ´ ᴖ ` )

anyways ,heres something that i honestly find quite hilarious.last year when me & my sister went to Illinois ,we stayed at my aunt & uncles house.while we were there ,my uncle came home from work & saw that i had eaten 2 icecreams ,OKAY ?mind u these cones were so small & they were very yummy.he ended up yelling at me & telling me i was going to get diabetes bcs i eat too much sweet shit.I got upset & defended myself which caused him to yell more & it was just a huge mess.tell me why the other day my mom then tells me that he got diabetes (ToT) KARMA HITS LIKE A TRUCK ,HUH ?

alright so me & my sister have decided to stay home from the trip.my mama had to get a temporary id bcs she cant find her birth certificate ,however ,online it says that airports don't take temporary id's ,but the person at the DMV said they should let her use it so ,FINGERS CROSSED !if they don't let her in then we will have to go some other time.


𝟶𝟻 . 𝟷𝟷 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, alright so my mama was able to get on the plane & shes there now.me & my sister have been here & its very fun ( ´ω`) we got to talk to my moms friend who came over yesterday ,we literally talked the day away bro (ToT)

anyways ,my mom gave me this perfume ,it's vanilla scented & it smells so so yummy.everybody keeps telling me i smell good now so i have been wearing it like everyday (ToT)

OMG ALSO LOOK WHO I FRIGGIN GOT YESTERDAY HEHAHAHWHEHE

MY HUSBAND I LICK HIM ALL OVER


𝟶𝟻 . 𝟷𝟺 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, hello guys its 2 am & im so tored but i cant sleep ugh ( ´ ᴖ ` ) im listening to music ,i just made a new playlist so like im listenign to it rn ( ´ω`) i might fall asleep to it ,even tho its NOT a sleep playlist LFMAO idc im so tired.


𝟶𝟻 . 𝟷𝟿 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, HEY GANG !SORRY I HAVENT UPDATED THIS IN A BIT ,I JUST HAVENT KNOWN WHAT TO WRITE ABT (ToT) anyways ,im so sleepy rn.i might take a nap even tho its 6pm ,idc im tired.

haiii my mama is coming home from illinois today! I am SUPA EXCITED to see her, i miss her so much. anyways, i think im gonna take a nap.


𝟶𝟻 . 𝟸𝟺 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, today was literally the worst fucking day ever ( ´ ᴖ ` ) first we completely dissociated for like 3 hours & i had no idea who was even in control atp like i was so confused when i came back help ? & THEN TSIREYA GETS HYR RENTRY INSPOED WITHOUT CREDIT OR NOTHING & SHYS ALL PISSED ABT IT & IT MADE ME SO MAD TOO. & then i had my food & took a shower after an hour & end up passing out & throwing up. & i stayed up till 1am too bcs i couldnt sleep.auahhhhggg


𝟶𝟻 . 𝟸𝟻 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, haai today i have my dads funeral / life thing i gorgot what its called im so sleepy its 7am (ToT) i dont feel well my stomach still hurts & i feel like im gonna blegh again ( ´ ᴖ ` ) anyways ill update this later i think


𝟶𝟻 . 𝟹𝟷 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, sono così stufa che mi copino. vorrei davvero rimuoverli da tutto e bloccarli completamente, ma sono così paranoica che sento il bisogno di guardare costantemente le loro pagine. dio, odio tutto questo.


𝟶𝟼 . 𝟸𝟹 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, hai guys !its 9am i woke up at 4am & im still awake help.my stomach hurts super bad ( ´ ᴖ ` ) im kinda hungry so maybe thats why but im not sure.

YESTERDAY I GOT CIPHER ON HSR BTW which is crazy bcs i like JUST GOT hyacine not too long before (ToT) im so so happy tho YAYAYA !i also got dahlia & stuff so im rly happy with everything.

i made a new rentry which im rly proud of !its /turbotwirly so ofc i made it kachina themed (*´ω`) VERY PROUD OF IT AGAIN EHSHHE !


𝟶𝟼 . 𝟸𝟾 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, i love & hate taking characters experiences & relating them to my own.it makes me so sad but sometimes its okay ,rn its not 😕


𝟶𝟼 . 𝟸𝟿 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, helloo! its 8am rn & i had greek yogurt for breakfast. ive been editing a ton of stuff like rentry & sp but ive also been watching sinjin drowning the whole morning so like (ToT) im currently making fugo & trish on ponytown & im kinda struggling on their hair bcs why tf does it have to be so damn complicated brah ;-;

yesterday me & sikx played tlou2 & god bro that shit is making me crash tf out (◞‸ ◟) joel did NOT deserve to die that way OR AT ALL FOR THAT MATTER UGH. i feel so bad for ellie & seeing her afterward THE WAY SHE FUCKING SMELLED HIS JACKET SDNDNGCBDJ AAUGH.

i had been relating ellies experience with joels death to my fathers & its been making me rly sad. the way she didnt even get to speak to him before he left, the way he didnt die until she came in, her dreams abt seeing his face & only remembering what he looked like when he was bleeding on the floor. all of it reminds me of my dads death & it makes me so sad. ( ´ ᴖ ` )

i love joel & ellie so much theyre so father daughter ugh. hes literally a girl dad i love him so much, he didnt deserve to die at all. i hate that stupid abby bitch i hope we find her and kill her soon dawg. & ISTG IF THAT BITCH HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT DAVID GUY FROM THE 1ST GAME IM GONNA BE LIVID BRO. anyways, sorry for the yap.


𝟶𝟽 . 𝟶𝟼 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, haihaiagaia its 3pm & im so sleepy but me & sikx r finally starting amphoreus or however u spell it !im rly excited to do it i love mydei & hyacine so much so im yayayaYyyaya.

also my husband reference (polnareff)

anyways ,im a bit hungry so im probably gonna get some food soon & i also have to pack for moving !im moving back to where i used to live due to things that have happened & changes & whatnot.im very happy but also very neevous bcs i havent even packed a single thing yet SO HAHRGEE uGh im gonna be so sleepy ...

ho anche fatto crescere le mie unghie di recente ,quindi ora sono super lunghe !penso che potrebbero essere più lunghe di quanto non le abbia mai avute prima.

okay ill either talk more later or write something another day ,BYE !


𝟶𝟽 . 𝟹𝟷 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, i dont wanna be here i honestly am starting wish we never moved. i feel so overwhelemd & i cant stop crying.

i understand hygiene is important & taking showers is important but bro im sorry my dad fucking died & im depressed & have been in an episode for weeks because of it to the point i could barely get out of bed & i have 0 motivation to take a shower but oh well just force me in there instead i guess !

i hate taking showers at other peoples houses even if its family.i dont know why it just makes me extremely uncomfortable not to mention i have been so scared to take a shower since i last took one & threw up because i wasnt well. i dont want that to happen again im scared of it.

like everytime i take a shower i start to feel like im going to passout & that causes me to then throw up but it only happened once. the other times i almost passed out it didnt happen but im just im scared now

it feels like nobody cares that i dont respond well to demands or enjoy feeling forced to do things. i understand the last time i took a shower was monday but seriously i dont want to take one here i dont eant to id rather take one at my other aunt & uncles or my grandparents ugh.


𝟶𝟾 . 𝟶𝟷 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, gh im actually rly paranoid did I do something wrong ,did I forget to give a URL I am scared guys ls stop dsilikgin my posts ohmygof HELP I'm giggling in fear

im scared people dont like me

the second i say i will get off my post gets liked why omg i just need to turn off dislkes bro why am i so fucking senstive i hatemyslrf

now im scared of everything oh mygod i cant go on this site ever again im gonna delete my whole existence off the internet kill me now

all of this shit over some dumb fucking website urls bro this is insane. i wish i was 10 again i miss being a kid.i miss when everything didnt matter ugh


𝟶𝟾 . 𝟶𝟸 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, i genuinely dont understand why im being yelled at over urls. at the end of the day its just a fucking website that is quite literally there for people to take any urls they want. im so sorry i have so many, i was just having fun. literally just ask me for any & ill probably give it to u. god this is so tiring & for no reason at all.

pleas just let today be a good day. i dont wanan rip my hair out crying again ty 🙏🏼


𝟶𝟾 . 𝟶𝟹 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, last night I was yelled at by both my aunt and uncle for not taking a shower in 7 days. like okay yea my dad died 4 months ago and I've been depressed and in an episode, not to mention we just moved out here after about 5 days of driving and I'm still exhausted. sorry that ur kids are perfect little angels with no mental issues but I am much different from them.

I yelled back at them both and stood up for myself. I tried to explain to them that this wasn't Abt a shower and that I was heavily overwhelmed and in a bad state of mind with no motivation, but all I got was "I'm not listening" and "blah blah blah". I was so overhwlemed and I cant stop thinking Abt it all.

all they care abt is fcking hygiene, they don't care abt my well-being. y aunt literally said shes gonna call the cops on me and have them take me to an assylum which pissed my mom off and it made me think abt how I'm so glad she isn't my mother LMFAO


𝟶𝟿 . 𝟷𝟸 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, I hate this feeling.I hate feeling forced ,it just makes me feel like I don't want to do it even more.I wish my family would understand or even try to at all.I miss when we lived in our own place.I miss when everything was okay & nothing was wrong.

I miss my dad ,everything has changed without him being here & I hate it so so so much.I hate thinking about it I hate being alone with my own thoughts I just start thinking about the things I never got to say to him & how I barely hung out with him before he died.I feel so guilty for it all & I wish I would've done more with him ,I hate myself.I hate how distant me & him became.Why didn't I try more ?I dont know ,I feel so stupid.

I wish I was young again ,I miss when he would cuddle me when I was sad or whenever I wanted to ,when he would show me little things he found & thought were interesting ,I miss when he was there to make everything better just by making small jokes or stupid comments ,when he would come home from work at 2AM & bring me a snack from the gas station.I hate seeing kids out with their dads it makes me wish I had that again.I miss all his silly little faces he would make ,I miss when we would go out to random places like restaurants & stuff all together ,I miss taking funny pictures with him ,I miss the time he had tried to take me to a shop but struggled to find it so we ended up driving around for hours ,I miss when he would take me to my bus stop & pick me up from school ,I miss those car conversations we had where we would giggle over things on the radio.I miss everything we did together.

I wish he wasn't taken from us so soon.he didn't deserve to die so early.It's been months & i'm still slightly in denial over it.I think of him & I just can't imagine this world without him ,I just don't want to believe it & my brain won't let me.Everytime I see pictures of him I want to cry so much.It's so hard to explain this feeling.I miss the way everything was.


𝟶𝟿 . 𝟷𝟾 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, I hate myself so much oh my god.I relapsed last night & passed out from all the blood.There goes my 1 year of being clean down the fucking drain.I'm scared to tell anyone but i'm also scared of someone finding out.I feel so guilty & disgusting ,I hate how I feel when having to hide this.Why am I so stupid.All I can think about is how disappointed my dad would be right now.I can't stop thinking about how he could've been watching me do it.I don't want to disappoint him I feel so horrible.I know my mom would sob if she found out I did it again.What is wrong with me why did I do this.What happens if my aunt finds out ,she would probably try to send me to an asylum or something.I'm so fucking stupid.


𝟶𝟿 . 𝟷𝟿 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, Just cut again.I did so many multi-swipes ,I love how good they hurt.The bloody tissues are so pretty too.I'm so glad I found this blade it's doing so well 🙏🏼


𝟶𝟿 . 𝟸𝟶 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, I have been wearing my dads shirt for the past few days because it's the only shirt that covers my cuts.I have to go somewhere today so I have to change & i'm really nervous because what if I can't hide my cuts with a different shirt ?(ToT) Wish me luck.

UPDATE BECAUSE MY MAMA GAVE ME ONE OF HER SHIRTS & IT'S PERFECT !IT COVERS THEM PERFECTLY OMG FUCK YEAH.


𝟶𝟿 . 𝟸𝟸 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, I want to cut myself again.I have every opportunity to & I know it will feel really good but I hate the aftermath.I hate that guilty feeling so much ,it makes me wanna rip my stomach out.I hate how much I enjoy doing this.I'm getting into my old habits again & I don't like it.God I want to curl up & die.

Okay so I cut again but like i'm having trouble finding places to cut (ToT) I have like no more space to cut myself where I can hide it properly.UGH ALL FOR THAT ;-;

I cut on the other shoulder but midway I was thinking like how am I gonna cover the right shoulder if the left side of my shirt keeps going up ,it'll just expose my other cuts (ToT) I'll figure something out.


𝟶𝟿 . 𝟸𝟹 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, I threw up my breakfast this morning & it was really scary.I felt like I was going to pass out because of it,which that always happens & it's so fucking terrifying.I hate throwing up so much I hate having emetophobia with an ED ugh.I'm just gonna have to push through it.

Peeling scabbed over cuts hurts so good.I want to cut more but I don't have anywhere else thats easy to hide.Fuck my stupid baka life.💔🫩🥀

I don't think cuts are supposed to have pus ...I really hope they're not infected ,I don't know how to take care of them at all bro (ToT)

I want to fucking kill myself why did I ruin everythig why do I have to be episodic rn.Wtf is wrong with me I want to fucking die I hate myself I hate myself so much.I just want everything to be better why is my life so fucking shit I just wanna curl up & die I hate this I hate everything.


𝟶𝟿 . 𝟸𝟼 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, I miss my dad so much ,I need him so bad.I want it to be 2015 again.I just want everything back.I want my life back ,I want my family back.Please I just need this to stop ,I need everything to be okay.I don't want this anymore.I'm begging just let everything be okay.


𝟷𝟶 . 𝟶𝟷 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, God it stings so good.I figured out a better way to cut with this small blade I've been using.It's much easier to cut on the looser parts of my skin & it makes the cuts much deeper which is really nice.They are literally bleeding through my shirt bro (ToT)


𝟷𝟶 . 𝟶𝟿 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, I hate living a life where I'm paranoid about hurting the people I love due to an anger disorder I can't even control. It's gotten so bad to the point that I end up hurting myself just so I don't have to deal with the guilt of hurting them. I just want it all to go away.


𝟷𝟷 . 𝟶𝟻 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, Reposting depressing TikToks simply because you want someone to notice your mental state & they still never notice is the worst feeling ever.

I feel like I'm constantly repeating myself by saying how unwell I feel but they don't even ask me if I'm okay or want me to talk about it at all. It feels as though they aren't even concerned about my wellbeing & that hurts me so much.

I hate feeling like such an attention seeker.


𝟷𝟷 . 𝟷𝟹 . 𝟸𝟻 ,, Just cut again oh my god it feels so good.The sting is so good ,I love the adrenaline rush of cutting so much.I know I'm gonna hate myself tomorrow tho (ToT)

I love the look of the bloody paper towels ,they looks so pleasing to me.

I hate myself I'm sitting here crying over fucking corndogs dude.I just had to walk all the way around to get corndogs for my mama ,which I am okay with doing ,however ,I'm fucking blind & didn't see the other fridge so I just couldn't find the corndogs.It's 47 degrees outside & the floor in that garage is so freezing it hurt so bad.I didn't have shoes because mine are dirty & I'm not allowed to use them until they're clean (per my aunts request).I ended up walking back with nothing & I was so overwhelmed ,cold ,& overall just annoyed in general.I started crying my damn eyes out after I sat down.

That's not all.My aunt just got back when I went outside & didn't even offer to help ,in fact she told my mom I could do it myself.Mind you ,she saw we walk outside barefoot with no jacket.She helped after I came back & when I said I was blind as a joke ,she agreed?I mean ,I know I said it before her but she didn't have to say it back to me.She didn't even say it in a nice tone ,she was so mean about it.

I had then found out they were mini corndogs & not the big ones on the stick.I was super excited for them because I love corndogs ,but I really don't like the mini's.So then I just cried more & decided not to eat dinner.Yay /sar.


𝟶𝟷 . 𝟷𝟸 . 𝟸𝟼 ,, Hello.I wanted to rant / vent a bit because I really need to.I've been have recurring nightmares where I am basically reliving my SA experience.I am genuinely scared out of my mind to go to bed & have been struggling to sleep due to it.I hate the memories & I just want them gone.The memory of waking up bleeding & in excruciating pain is engraved into my mind.I felt so dirty.Every time this dream comes it feels as if it just happened again.It makes me sick to my stomach.I remember it all so clearly ,but at the same time it feels like a blur.There are so many missing parts to it.Maybe that's for the best though.

Edit

Pub: 22 Mar 2025 23:11 UTC

Edit: 12 Jan 2026 17:30 UTC

Views: 99