its 5:03 am august ..7th yeah
if u see this i appluard u for stalking me.. congrats. i dont care about writing down stuff 24/7 anymore, it was mainly in my great crashout era anyway
i have alot on my mind, so i am gonna write until i get bored or until i dont have anything2 say. i think karrisa is gonna read this and thats probably it (hi karrisa)
big talks with kenny
i dont hold any hatred for anyone, as much as i try it doesnt stay for very long, i wonder if thats how im wired or if its because of my "BPD". i still dont think i have BPD by the way, i dont take my medication so uh yeah idk, i REALLY dont think i have it, saying i have it makes me mad.
i have "opps" but in reality i think i could care less. i think i hold resentment towards people, maybe alot of people. i forgave them but not their actions? like andrew, i hate everything hes done but i dont hate him.
i dont hate guadalupe nor do i resent her, i know people hate2 hear it but its tiring 2 pretend i do. not that i really pretend i do anymore but, still. if we ever DO talk(again) im not gonna pretend we dont, im2 old for this shit man(if she sees this shes going2 get mad but i .. do not care rn)
infact knowing her she would go "kenny u wrote that cuz u know id see it" and thn i wld go "uhm no" something like that, which she is normally right, is she rn? no(sorry)
because for once i doubt she would see this, i doubt anyone will.. but not that im talking badly about her or anything obvisouly not what im trying2 do right now.
i dont hate tori, i just think shes a stupid bitch. thats literally it, i like ragebaiting her. (fuck u tho)
i dont hate jaydel.. actaully maybe yeah i do, that "hitting a vein shit" shouldve knocked his ass right out if u ask me, wouldve saved me some trouble. little fatty
sluethers sluts are irrelevant but just incase anyone is wondering, i dont carenmuch about them either.
i cant think of anyone else, thats like evryone who people think i hate so... yeah
other people
i think i shld talk about EVERYONE
nikk, hes a very good friend id like2 say my bestfriend. i havent been nice2 him recently. its not like he did anything, hes always been a good friend. i think he would be disapointed in the things i say here. im sorry nikk. im tired and i cant keep acting like im not. nikk has always put me first. he should stop doing that, i hope he does. i dont know if he ever will, because we are bestfriends, but i think sometimes it makes him sad, i think i make him really sad sometimes. maybe thats why i stopped talking2 him for a while. i hope hes happy, i think he is, i mean he says he is. he really did save my life though. i love nikk.
karrisa is a sesbian and i have nothing else2 say. (i love you karrisa u mean alot2 me)
i love kacie, shes cool and she gave me stuff on everskies, which was so sweet i almost cried(srsly) shes very patient with me(just like nikk) because im SLOW and RETARDED. and also because i just disapper alot, like i just randomly stop talking2 alot of people. i feel bad about that. i still gotta mail kacie stuff but shes from the UK and its like 60 fucking dollars..
idk who else2 write about, i dont talk 2 rlly anyone else. i have my irls but thats.. complex. though callum deserves a mention here
filler idk
i think if i could be anything in the world id be like a butterfly, they are so pretty and everyone loves them(mostly) people can be afraid of them and still find the beauty in them.
i think every living creature is special, maybe not people which is probably very corny but i fucking hate most people.
do you ever wonder what the earth would look like? yk if we never fucking ruined half of it.
i often do, i guess that cld jst be me tho idk
filler
i find solice in what i couldve been. in what i could be. i find discomfort knowing i will never achieve the goals i want.
i wish i had a better understanding on myself, but i dont so like whatever i guess. im scared that everyone i know will move on sometimes, and ill be stuck here.
like stuck in this little world of my own. everyone is growing up and everyone i care about is about2 be 18
everyone i know has goals, they know what they wanna do and who they are (kinda) i dont, im sure thats normal infact ive been told it is. normal2 not know who or what you are. its sad though is it not?
i dont want to move forward from anything or anyone, i cant let anyone go or anything pass by. sometimes i really do think suicide is my only option in the future.
maybe one day ill be 25 laying on a mattress in a crappy apartment wondering where my life went wrong and why i never became anything important.
5:48 am thought
i cant sleep, i know why i cant but.. like idk it reminds me of when i used2 stay up as far as i could because i was scared. i was scared id wakeup and everything would be the same, or that id dream. i always dream. i dream about the people i miss, i dream about the people who have hurt me. i used to avoid that as much as i could. now i find some sort of comfort in it. because theyre gone now, or things arent the same. so at least for a little bit it can hopefully feel like it used2.
i wish i could go back in time and tell myself everything would be ok in the end. i got really sick because of that.
my health
nikk liked2 make jokes about me throwing up all the time, because i rlly did throw up alot. i didnt mean2 i never do. i just did. i get nervous, i get sick, i get upset? i get sick.
i think my systems fucked up. eating disorder fun fun time. i dont really think my ED was ever a big deal. i used2 make myself walk as far as i could because i was scared of gaining weight. but i never died. i passed out once but i never died. i was never hospitzlied for it.
i cant like gain weight now though. id feell... guilty. im scared. ive always been scared, im always so scared.
everything i do makes me scared. everything i say makes me so scared. im so scared of the outcome of every possible thing. i over think everything yet YET nothing ever turns out the way i want. no matter how hard i try.
id say im much better from 2022-2024, i think thats true. but again i dont know. i dont know what im doing.
august 7th 10pm
die
8th
im in the fuckinf car.. ive been in it since 7am (its 11:49am now) me, kaitlyn, and my friend liam are going2 pick up my other friend (callum) from his gf/(bf?) house rn.. he wouldve taken the bus but he is bringing a DOG back HOME. liam jst got his license recently so thats why we freakin driving tg.. first roadtrip wit friends.
18th
lolllll lol lolololol lolll
i hate you all, you are all stupid disgusting useless people.
grey is a massive cunt and callums jst a bitch.
you YOU are a fucking fat hypocrite and YOU need to learn how to handle YOUR own issues and insecurities. YOU need 2 slam ur head into a wall goodlord. lol