the wag of a finger: nobody outpizzas the munch

Beast was spending his time how he believed it should be spent: in his kitchen. He was rolling out dough for pasta, kneading it out and chopping it into noodles for fettuccine, shaping the dough into a snake. His thoughts turned to what the guildmates would often say about snakes. He shuddered.

Beast heard a voice behind him as he carefully unrolled the noodles. "Uh, Beast? that's you're name, right?" asked a familiar guildmate standing at the doorway.

Beast turned to the voice with much less scorn then he usually would. It was the chespin that had introduced when he was cleaning the kitchen for the first time.

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Beast made the unfamiliar action of smirking. "Ah, you're that chespin from a while back! If you're here for more berries, I've relocated the fruit supply to the pantry."

"Oh, I'm not here for that. Listen, I uh, got a question about the food."

"We're having fettuccine with tomato and garlic sauce for dinner tonight. I post the menu next to the request board each week." Beast said automatically, answering one of the more common questions he received.

"That actually wasn't my question." The chespin responded. "I was wondering why our menu was so simple and samey. Aren't you like, a pretty good chef?"

Beast's eye twitched. "Eugh, don't remind me." Beast began as he unrolled another noodle. "I wish I could cook something close to a complex meal, but I have a lot of food to make for a lot of people with a very small budget. And I don't really want to pour my own money I could use paying my bills to make quality food for doofs who probably won't appreciate it."

The chespin rolled his eyes. "How would you feel about making something for one person, then?"

Beast stopped and turned to the chespin in pleasant surprise. "You mean, for you?"

The chespin scratched his head. "Uh, yeah. I'm getting kinda tired of pancakes and chili, and I'm dying for some actual food."

Beast smiled for what felt like the first time in forever and clasped his hands together. "I would be happy to! believe me, I'm just as tired making this slop as you are of eating it. What would you like?"

"Do you know how to make pizza?"

Beast scoffed. "Do I know how to make pizza? You are talking to the best pizzamaker this side of the river! Pizzarias have closed down to my influence! Why, i could probably outp-"

The chespin interrupted his raving, rolling his eyes yet again. "WOULD you?"

Beast thought on it for a second. "You seem trustworthy, so yes."

The chespin smiled and gave him a thumbs up as he left the room. "Good! see you at dinner!"

Beast dragged the chespin back with his words. "Hold on, wait a minute! I'm not doing this for free, you must help me if you want your pizza!"

The chespin raised an eyebrow. "What do I need to do?"

"Do you have some paper and maybe a pen on your person?"

"Hold on, lemme get some."

The chespin left the room and returned with a paper and a pen. "Am I getting ingredients for you?"

"Precisely." Beast confirmed as he scribbled down a list of ingredients, handing him the paper back and noticed a rather disturbing drawing of a disembodied head with a rather mischievous grin. He realized he was using one of those "reaction image" papers from the main room. Maybe he was the one stealing them.

"Here's a list of ingredients I need and my preferred suppliers. Bring me these and I'll make you your pizza. If they ask you any questions, tell them Beast has sent you."

The chespin read through the list, and several locations were already noted in his map. He nodded. "Alright, I'll be on my way, then."

"Beast of luck, chespin boy!" Beast wished as he waved him out.

The chespin turned back, glaring at him. "Please, just call me Chespin." Chespin noted.


It was now well over a day after, and dinner had already been served. Beast had already cleaned the kitchen and was relaxing in his room, reading a draft of an adventure novel one of the guildmates had been making. When they weren't writing smut, they actually managed to create some quite engaging literature. Almost all of them were aspiring amateur authors, which was an oddly specific for so many people to share. Were all humans this obsessed with writing?

There was a knock on the wall outside his room. "Come in!" Beast invited. Through the curtain stepped Chespin, holding a bag full of the desired ingredients with a tired and frustrated expression. "Oh, Chespin! you brought my ingredients!" Beast said, somewhat surprised.

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Chespin squinted at him the same way Beast had squinted at other guildmates. "What the hell kind of a list did you give me!? I had to walk all the way out to a few farms and a dairy to get this crap, and it was super expensive!"

Beast put down the book and stood up. "To explain, those were my suppliers back when I ran my restaurant. Those are the best ingredients money can buy! Trust me, every coin you spent was worth it." Beast waved Chespin to follow him as he left the room. "Now come along, we have pizza to craft!"

Chespin rolled his eyes as he followed Beast to the kitchen. "I swear, if I spent over 500 coins so you could make me a middling pizza, I'm making you into a teddy bear."

Beast returned a scowl at his customer challenging his talent. "I'm going to pretend i didn't hear that." Beast responded. As Beast stepped into the kitchen, Chespin remained in the doorway. "Well, what are you waiting for? Come in!" Beast responded.

"Am I really allowed to step into your kitchen? I've heard what other guildmates say about you." Asked Chespin.

Beast smiled. "Compared to the other hooligans, you're the first person here to not spout degenerate nonsense at me, so you have earned it!"

"Geez, when we first talked you nearly hissed at us for crossing your line of sight."

Beast looked back on that day. "I suppose I was being needlessly bitter, wasn't I? well, that day is in the past!" Beast said rather dismissively. "Please, come in! I might need some assistance."

Blank watched Beast knead dough, a furious yet dedicated look plastered on his face. "So if you don't mind me asking..." Chespin started. "What got you into cooking?"

Beast looked up from his work and stared at the wall. "I guess quality food has always been with a core value of mine." Beast answered. "I'm admittedly a very picky eater, contrary to my species. Even when I was a baby, my poor mother would feed me moldy fruit and weeds and watch as I spat them out. When I grew older, I moved to a bigger town to learn cooking so I could provide myself with better food."

"You moved here? Where are you from originally?"

Beast shrugged. "Somewhere in the woods, very far away from here. I remember being close to some kind of village if I recall correctly, sometimes I would sneak into it at night to steal from gardens."

Chespin tilted his head in surprise. "You grew up in the woods?"

"Until I was a young man, yes."

Beast set the dough aside to proof and brought wood over to the fire pit.

"Would you mind fetching a jar of my tomato sauce from the pantry while I begin this fire? typically I have KFC do this but he's most likely not available."

When Chespin returned, Beast was still struggling to light the fire. Beast saw him and sighed in embarrassment. "My apologies, I've haven't lit my own fire in years. I've grown accustomed to gas stoves from my restaurant."

"Why do you get KFC to light it? I thought he couldn't use fire type attacks."

Beast frowned. "I asked him to light my fire without knowing when I first came here, and I've felt guilty about it since, so I have him do it every time he's available. But in my defense, he's quite skilled at it."

"Probably something you gotta learn in that situation, huh?"

"I suppose."

Beast finally managed to get the fire going and exhaled in relief.

"Speaking of which, have any of the other guildmates said anything of note to you recently?" Chespin asked.

"Oh, it's it about the same. Tell me, why are all the outlaw specialists calling themselves thug hunters?"

Chespin flinched at the mere mention. "Oh uh, t-that's uh, just a slang term humans use!"

Beast slammed his fist onto his hand. "Drat. I thought I finally picked up on an inside joke."

Chespin sighed in relief as Beast looked away at the dough.

"Alright, hand me the ingredients if you wouldn't mind." Beast asked.

Chespin handed him the bag and Beast looked through the ingredients as he set the bag down on the counter.

"Why did you get olives and mushrooms?"

"That's what I want for my toppings."

Beast looked back to Chespin in confusion. "Why would you want those on a pizza?"

"Because they're good?"

Beast shook his head. "That is NOT how you make pizza. The only toppings that belong on this dish are mozzarella, sauce and basil."

Chespin rubbed his ches-chin. "Wait, are you making that fancy wood fired kind of pizza?"

"How else would I make it?"

Chespin smiled, getting an idea. "Would you like to learn the human way of making pizza?"

Beast looked at the dough resting on the counter. It would be an insult to food to try this, but his curiosity was truly piqued. He sighed and pointed at the stool in the corner.

"Pull that up to the counter and show me."

Chespin proceeded to teach Beast how to make a pizza like they did in the human world, with thick crust and lots of cheese and toppings.

"This would be a lot easier if I had a grater." Beast said with frustration as he shred the cheese manually with a knife.

"I'm surprised you don't have one." Chespin responded.

"All the equipment I have in here is second hand, provided by the guildmaster."

"What?" Chespin said with surprise. "I had to go on a whole damn adventure to get a real bed for myself!"

"I guess you should have asked the guildmaster."

Chespin sighed and looked to the ongoing fire.

"Wait, how are we going to bake this if we don't even have an oven?"

Beast smiled and snapped his fingers. "Simple, my friend! we're going to use a trick I learned at the cooking academy!"

Beast finished placing toppings onto the uncooked pizza and attempted to place the pizza into the skillet.

"We might have made the pizza a bit too large." Beast claimed.

"It's kinda supposed to be like that, just try stuffing it in."

Beast began to awkwardly stuff the pizza in the pan and carefully placed a stew pot lid over the pan, creating a sealed environment for the pizza to bake.

"It's not an especially spectacular method, but with this you can bake without using an oven."

"Oh, neat."

Beast began to clean the counter as the pizza baked.

"Tell me Chespin, what is human food like compared the food you've eaten here?" Beast asked.

"Oh, not completely different." Chespin began, sparing him the obvious answer of meat to avoid scaring him. "You guys focus a lot more on fruit then we do, and a large amount of our food is mass produced in factories now."

Beast looked at Chespin as if he was looking at a time traveler from the future. "Mass produced in factories?"

"Yeah, things like bread, cheese, sauces, spices, snacks, candy, even entire pre-made pizzas that have been frozen to keep them fresh. They're made in factories, packaged, and shipped to large stores where people buy them. You don't go to farmer's markets and bakeries usually, you simply go to a store."

Beast continued to stare at him in awe. "My, how convenient! the human world sounds like paradise!"

Chespin chuckled. "Sounds perfect like that, but you're sacrificing quality for convenience. In fact, humans still visit farmer's markets and bakeries in search of quality food."

"Hm. I guess everything will have a catch, won't it?" Beast looked back at the pan. "I think the pizza should be done about now."

As Beast brought the pan the counter and carefully removed the lid, he and Chespin were greeted by a most appetizing sight.

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"My god, it's beautiful!" Chespin excitedly proclaimed. "I never thought I would see this again!"

Beast smiled, feeling appreciated for the first time in a quite a while. He looked at pizza in fascination, as it was unlike any other food he had truly seen or made. What had been a light, subtle dish had become a mouth-watering mass of bread, cheese, and vegetables.

"Alright uh, now you take the knife and slice it into 8 even triangular slices. It's usually done with something called a pizza cutter, but obviously we don't have one of those."

Beast carefully followed his instructions, trying his best not to burn himself touching the hot cheese. "So, can I assume that this is popular in the human world?" Beast asked.

"VERY." Chespin confirmed. "Pizza is one of the most popular foods where I'm from, it's perfect for feeding large groups of people, as you can feed multiple people with one and eat with your hands, no silverware required."

"Wait, you eat this with your HANDS? how do you not burn yourself?" Beast questioned.

"You wait for it to cool off to the point where you can hold it."

"Oh. figures." Beast responded, feeling rather stupid for asking.

Beast finished slicing and slid the finished pizza over to Chespin.

"Well, here you are, my friend." Beast said. "Be sure to return the skillet when you're finished, or else I'll have to use the dented one to cook breakfast for a while."

"Excellent." Chespin said with a rather devilish smile as he carefully lifted the pan. "Actually, you wanna slice of this?"

"Please, it's for you. You spent a lot of effort to get the ingredients to me. You are not obligated to share."

"You sure? You have to be just a little but curious. And you if you say no again, I'll just split the whole thing with my partner and you won't get any."

Beast struggled to resist the temptation, but eventually gave in and brought over a plate. "Well, if you INSIST..."

"Thanks for making this for me, I've wanted a pizza ever since I woke up here." Chespin said as he carefully placed a slice onto Beast's plate.

"My pleasure." Beast replied with a grin, which still felt unfamiliar to his face. "This has been a very nice experience compared to everything I've put up with recently."

"Oh! I'm glad I did this, then." Chespin reflected as he carefully walked out of the kitchen. "Again, thank you! I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow, right?"

"Of course!" Beast confirmed as he waved goodbye. "Good night!"

"Good night!" Chespin replied as he walked back to his quarters.

Beast continued to stare into the empty doorway, taking in everything that had just happened. For the first time in a very long time, even since before his restaurant burned down, he had a meaningful and enjoyable interaction with someone. Had life simply conditioned him be like this, or was his constant bitter demeanor uncalled for? Was this guild thing actually good for him in the long run? Was Chespin now his friend? Lots of questions began processing in his head, which made him aware of how tired he was. But before he returned to his quarters, he tried a bite of the human-style pizza.

It was one of the most delectable things he had ever eaten.

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Pub: 21 Mar 2023 07:32 UTC
Views: 355