sorry if any random people see this, as it won't make sense to any of you. but this is for the people that know/knew him, as it's my final time talking about scar, mostly about the end of my relationship with him

i didn't realise until now, but scar had been conditioning me for months whether he realised or not. he changed how i lived and how i acted to the point where i was physically unable to live without him. he told me when and how to eat, he told me when i should take care of myself like showering, or brushing my teeth. things like that. so when he left me, and our dynamic and relationship changed completely, i was unable to take care of myself how i used to. i lost weight to the point where if i lost even a slight bit more, i'd have to go to hospital for a tube inserted. i lost sleep, and now i have eyebags that haven't gone away for weeks since this happened. i'm doing okay now that i'm slowly recovering and getting over him, but i was at my genuine lowest possible point, and he took advantage of that. not only that he blew up on me for not handling some view-changing information he randomly dumped on me as well as he wanted me to. out of nowhere he told me our entire relationship was basically false. he told me how he'd been mimicking my personality and only saying things to make me happy, rather than thinking about what would make him happy too, all because of his bpd. and i'm not saying that's a bad thing, or that he's incapable of anything. but it sure would've been nice to know he'd do that at the beginning of the relationship and not almost a year in. that's the only reason i handled it so poorly. he also reassured me he'd never find anyone else after me, whilst he was actively searching for my replacement, which i have been informed was also happening whilst he was in a relationship with me. he carried on calling me pet names to make me more comfortable and less tense around him after our break up, despite the fact he was talking to the person he was trying to replace me with. he used me for my money several times throughout and after the relationship. after he made it prominent that he was going to give commissions for nitro. i commed him around 4 times, and didn't get a single commission after months of payment. and then after breaking up, it was his birthday, i was still trying anything and everything to make him happy, so i asked if he wanted a present. he sent me names of 2 very expensive games on steam, i bought him 1. but then i felt bad because he sent 2, so i bought him the other as well. i thought it would help strengthen our relationship but it actually did the opposite as he realised he was running out of uses for me, since there would be no other time he could con a game out of me until christmas. he asked me for nudes that i didn't want to send, multiple times, and in the end he got almost each one, even after i said i didn't want to send them because they made me feel insecure. he tried to make me feel better about myself after i sent them. complimenting me and calling me nice things, despite the fact i said no prior, he persuaded me into sending them in the end.

and what i found out from his very kind ex-friends that he fumbled, after i finally managed to leave him and get him out my life, he had been telling a public server every private detail i had previously told him. from my parents getting into a car crash, to when i self harm. and he doesn't feel even a single bit guilty. there's obviously more than just a bad relationship with him, from the slurs he can't reclaim to the countless rape comments he made towards me. i know i'm in the wrong for possibly endorsing said comments and other behaviour but i was trying my hardest to be perfect for him and not shove him away. i know i'm still not innocent and i'm not trying to defend myself, i'm just telling my reason. i self sabotaged a lot in that relationship but i made sure to tell him i was very prone to doing that, several times, to which he reassured me he could handle it, then breaks up with me because i'm "too much to handle". there's probably more i'm forgetting but really i just want to write down what a poor experience i had talking to him and being his partner. i know i wasn't perfect, he was my first relationship after a year of staying out the dating scene due to a prior bad relationship, i didn't know how to act or what i should prioritise, i was a terrible partner relationship-wise because i didn't know what to do and all my relationships have been bad experiences so i've had no good ones to take tips from, and i admit it and i already apologised countless times for how i was as his partner. but i haven't gotten a single apology back for the way he treated me. he made me leave the only friends that actually cared for me, just because i was spending time with them, after not seeing or talking to them for months. i don't know i'm just rambling about every shitty aspect that i went through, but that's probably going to be my final time talking about him

Edit
Pub: 28 Nov 2022 04:37 UTC
Edit: 15 Sep 2024 08:48 UTC
Views: 190