reki's lovemail for dolls beloved <3
July 1st, 2025—Tuesday
(6:25pm) well.. i just started this ! after seeing various different and cute lovemail rentries, i made one ! i'm not sure if you ever look at /xrune, but i'm doing this anyways ! i don't think i'll ever tell you specifically that i'm doing this, at least, not for a while.. if you find it on your own, then surprise !!
(7:45pm) anyways.. i love you, i love you a lot. i have so much to be grateful for, but most importantly, i have you. i will always love you and you alone, cherie. that i pinky promise you. nobody could make me feel any different, not friends, family, people i used to know or people i'll meet on this journey of life. thank you for being you, dearest. i love you. you'll always be the only boy i love like this. i hope you can always love me too.
(8:46pm) i just finished decorating.. i was gonna do tgswiiwagaa as the theme, koga and aya, but decided in the end on renga.. i think renga is truly us. i mean i'm truly reki; that's me, who i am. i think you're really my langa—even if you're not him. langa brought out such happiness in reki, it gave him a chance to learn, to improve, to confide in someone again. and ultimately, fall in love with. whether that's platonically or romantically varies on who you ask, but us ? you and me ? i think this is something that could last forever. i think we really can live long, happy and beautiful lives together, despite all of the hardships we will inevitably face. if you're ever scared, talk to me. i will mever make you, never force you, but i will always be here. i'm never leaving you or your side, no matter how much i have to beg you to stay or what i have to do. i love you so very much, moy lyubov.
July 2nd, 2025—Wednesday
(2:53pm) i miss you.. i really, really miss you. i don't want to be annoying and constantly spam you, but there's so much i want to say to you right now. xander's over, zion is also coming over. i bought mom some krystal and i bought me and xan some chickfila. spent $80.. i paid $41 ish of it though..
(4:08pm) ugh. i really miss you. pls..
(4:18pm) zion and xan are being gay :(( i want you.. i miss you.. i really really just wanna hold you and ignore the rest of the world. i really do adore you, i love you. i love everything about you. from your hair to your eyes, from your skin to your heart, from your personality to your soul. everything about you is truly perfect. i dont want anyone else, i just want you. please stay forever, as selfish at it is. i hope you never leave, i hope you never have any reason to leave. i love you, so much. i hope you can love me forever too. i'll love you until i die, and even then, when the worlds and every universe dissipate into nothing, even the empty darkness will know how much i loved you and just you.
(6:56pm) xan grabbed me and broke my bracelet earlier. the luv one you made me. i wanted to start crying. i started tearing up. but zion and xan are here, i couldn't cry. i'm really upset. i'm not sure if you'll see this, but i feel bad. i shouldn't have worn it around them. i should have protected my wrist more. i'm sorry. god maybe this is pathetic of me, but i'm really upset..
(9:55pm) i texted you. and i still feel so guilty, so bad, so terrible. i know you'll probably say it's not my fault, but i still feel like i've horribly betrayed you. i love you so much, so very much. i want nothing more than to hold you, to kiss you, to be able to embrace you. i want you. fully, completely, utterly and entirely. just you. you are the only one i want. the only one i love. the only one i could ever love. you're the only one for me. i love you so very much, nobody, including sonic, could ever even imagine how deeply i love you. you're my everything, i love you. so much. so, so so very much. SO fucking much. i adore you, i love you, i admire you, i long for you; i need you. please don't go anywhere. i promise i'll do better, i'll do anything you want. anything you need. anything you ask of me. i pinky promise. i love you so much, and i love only you, baby.
July 3rd, 2025—Thursday
(11:08am) i woke up not too long ago.. i ate breakfast too ! mostly cause i wanted to be able to tell you i ate.. ah shit. i spaced out and just missed your hour by one minute. sobs. i'm going to an escape room tomorrow with corbin, shosho and corbin's grandma. it'll be around 7:15pm.. pretty late.. but i'll try to have fun, even if it's not with you. i miss you, by the way. i really miss you. i always miss you. i hope you're getting good sleep right now, you need it. i also hope you enjoy today, do something fun or something you want to do. yourself or with people you love.
(7:20am) i didn't wanna bother you with more stuff.. but i hit the area right below my knee really hard yesterday evening.. there's a huge bruise there now.. sobbing..
(2:58pm) giggling.. i'm sorry for mentioning ren's spirit broken heart emoji.. gi-hun's dead too.. he's.. my goat is gone.. crashes out. OIAKWA PLS. OIKAWA TOORU MY BELOEVD. PLEASE. HE WENT TO NATIONALS TRUST. MANIFEST. BELIEVE. THE MANGA AND ANIME WILL CHANGE I BELIEVE.
(3:02pm) i'm sorry for not responding very quickly.. i've been working on things.. i know rentry is just silly and stupid, not worth the time, but it's one of the only things i can do.. i don't have talents like you—i can't play guitar, i can't play keyboard, i can't draw, i can't write. i can't make many things for you, i can only make basic bracelets and amateurish writings. i can only yap about how much i love you or what i love about you. i can only give you repetitive essays of words. rentry is the only other thing i can do, but it's basically useless. at least maybe to you it would be, because you don't really use it. it's just me spamming you with different rentries i made because nobody else cares. i'm sorry if that's ever too much on you, or you don't really care either. i'm sorry if i'm ever too much on you. i love you though.. i love you a lot !!
(11:23pm) the escape room was fun ! i know i already told you, but we got taco bell beforehand ! i started hyperventilating though, i got really scared of ordering my own fucking food.. so i ended up letting corbin's grandma pick for me.. it was sorta spicy and i can't do spice.. so i ate like a fourth of a quesadilla.. i ate one taco though ! still hungry, but i'll be okay.. i'm fat enough as is.. we got ice cream too ! then we dropped shosho off and i went home.. i facetimed xan and zion for a while, then i got tired and texted you.. i'm going to sleep now, goodnight, my love. i love you very much.
(11:31pm) i just wanted to say that sofia is playing as i texted you goodnight just now. god, i'm so in love with you.. everything makes me think of you—fuck, i miss you sm. augh.. 'you know i'll do anything you ask me to' 'baby you don't gotta fight i'll be here til the end of time / wishing that you were mine, pull you in, it's alright / i think we could do it if we tried, only to say, "you're mine" / sofia, know that you and i shouldn't feel like a crime / honey i don't want it to fade / there's things that i know could get in the way / i don't want to say goodbye' anyways.. i'll go to sleep now for realz.. i love you, sweetest. kisses you.
July 4th, 2025—Friday
(1:41pm) i had a not so silly dream the other night.. help i spaced out ?? 1:48 now.. anyways.. i'm not sure if you ever see these, but i'm too scared to tell you directly, i'll just sound pathetic and i don't want to drive you away.. i had a dream where you told me that you used me as a rebound because you couldn't have your best friend. you told me that you knew she wanted you and you wanted her, but you two couldn't get together for other reasons. everyone around you agreed that it'd be infinitely better for you to love and be with her rather than me. you agreed too, and ended up getting with her. it didn't feel like the realest thing in the world, but it still hurt when i woke up. quite a bit, actually. i know you can't make any promises, and i know that you're probably not worried about these things. but i'm a bit worried you have a backup plan sometimes. that when you finally get sick of me, you have someone waiting for you. someone you'll go to, someone way better than i could ever be. and that's scary. i know i'm not the best for you, i know i'm not perfect, i know i'm not the best by any means whatsoever—but i'm yours. i will always be yours even if you're ever not mine. while i hope you always will be, the thought remains. and i hope it never comes true, i hope you continue to choose me day after day for the rest of our lives—but i cannot stop you if you chooe otherwise. ah jeez.. i'm yapping.. sorry..
(2:00pm) another thing, actually—sorry.. i miss you. i really miss you. i'm bored, i'm lonely, i want to do something with you. and i know you're going to go have fun and do special things with people you love (minus jimmy. fuck jimmy.), but i still wish it could be me. yeah, i'm jealous. i'm sorry. but i'm not sorry for loving you. song reference, heh.. me when you.. anyways.. i wish i could do something with you rather than anyone else, but even going out with xan and zion would be swag at this point. i'm trapped inside all of the time, i hate this. i hate how i'm living, how i have to live. augh i wish things were different sometimes, but then i remember, i wouldn't change a thing if it means i get to have you..
July 5th, 2025—Saturday
(1:36am) hh.. i accidentally mentioned that i work on a rentry multiple times a day to you.. but i think it's okay cause you didn't know what i was talking about.. so i guess you don't check xrune.. which is okay ! i just say that because i look at so many rentries over and over again daily.. anyways though, my head is pounding like shit.. i know i already said goonight to you, but goodnight, sweetest. i love you sm !
(9:12pm) i had fun with zion and xander. we went to the park near my house and talked and stuff. we found two packs of cigarettes, and the paper to roll up for weed. hh.. xander gave us lessons on cigs broken heart emoji.. and then ATE the weed paper. like swallowed it. weirdo.. we went to the woody area behind the park and crossed over a creek. that of which i fell in.. sobs. xander fell in too though so that made me laugh.. we found a homeless person's hide out, a creepy furry thing, a laptop, bikes, and some more stuff. when we left that area, we went and got on a roof for a bit. then we went to circle k and i bought us all drinks, zion bought us snacks. which he ate most of.. there was a buy two get one free on monsters but zion didn't get a monster, i felt bad and didn't wanna say anything so i just bought it for him anyways.. we then chilled at the park again for a bit. afterwards, we went back into the woody area. we crossed the creek again and xander fell in like three times.. i laughed.. we went back to the hide out and there was a homeless woman there broken heart emoji. xander left freaking cigarettes on the ground for her bro. sighs.. then we went back and talked for the rest of the time until zion's mom came and got him. xander walked me home. i kinda wish zion's mom would let him come over.. just because i'm a white girl doesn't mean i'd accuse someone of rape..? that's just crazy to me.. anywho, i really like hanging out with zion. i thought he disliked or hated me at first, but it's been fun both times i've hung out with him. i miss you though.. really miss you.. i love you, juju !!
(11:25pm) i might as well be using this as a diary at this point. i know you texted me. but i'm scared. i'm so scared. fucking terrified. i can't breathe and i'm sobbing uncontrollably. i can't do this. i don't wanna be alone right now. but there's nothing i can do. i don't want xander. i don't want my mom. i want you. and i can't have that right now. everything hurts and i can't feel my own body. i can't text you back. i'm sorry. i can't do anything. i'm scared of what i'll do. i'm scared of what you'll do. i can't sleep. i've been trying for a while. but i can't even think about anything. anything but you. anything but you leaving me. oh god what thw fuck is wronf with me. this is so funny.. hah.. please sont hate me. im so sorry. i dont care about dixinf my typis anymore righr now. im scared. i need you. so please dont leave. i know you cant make any promises. but pls. dont go anywhere. not now. at least not now. ah god.. i cant botjer you.. im sorry. i promise im not ifnoring you. i pinky promise im not trying to ifnore you or make you feel any sort of way. i love you. evej if yoy dont love me. even if you hate me. even if yoy never want to see me again. even if you want me dead. i love you. i love you. i love you. so muxh. i lowv you. im sorry.
July 13th, 2025—Sunday
(10:29pm) i've been in such a rentry burn out lately.. i'm sorry.. i wanna talk to you.. i wanna see you, i wanna hold and hug you.. ugh i hope you don't ever get sick of me. i need you. i really, really need you, baby. i love you so very much, please never forget that. even if you don't love me any more, i'll always love you
July 21st, 2025—Monday
(7:22am) i woke up around four ? something like that.. i'm happy. really happy. you make me really happy. i cried reading what you sent me, by the way. in a good way.. you love me. you love me. you love me. you love me. i'm scared sometimes that you'll leave the next day. that we'll be happy and okay one second, that you'll then stop texting and leave. i know you won't. at least i hope to everything good you don't. anyways.. i kinda wanna be open and honest with you. not that i'm not, i just wanna tell you things i've been far too afraid to ever tell you. you say you won't leave, that you'll stay. i believe and trust you. so—
i used to keep an album of stuff people have said to me, things that have been said, pictures, texts. anything i saw. stuff like pictures of you out with people, with lupita specifically. i only started that album after the lupita and aiden shit. because i was so scared to get too attached again. when they told me that you didnt want me in your life, that you were weirded out by me—i have never felt worse in my life. in the album were screenshots of those texts they sent me. screenshots of things lupita said about or to you, pictures of you out with her, whenever i noticed you were at her place, whenever you went out and she'd post on her story, whenever she called you things, whenever anyone got to actually be with you, whenever you were so happy to be with anyone but me, happy to be with anyone in general—anything that made me feel. feel negatively, i mean. jealousy, irritation, anger, sadness. anything that could remind me that i'm not yours, and you're not mine. anything that would make me cry, make me want to do stupid things to myself. those were the things i kept in that album. and whenever i started to get jealous or upset over things i didn't deserve to feel those ways over, i'd open it and look at everything. remind myself that you shouldn't want me, didn't want me. that i shouldn't want you, but i did. let me make this clear first—there is absolutely nothing wrong with us. with you wanting me, with me wanting you. the only reason i felt that i shouldn't want you was because of people telling me you didn't want me. people saying that it wasn't right for you to want me either. and i believed them after so long of no change, of constantly being distanced from you, of feeling that i was holding you back and pulling you down. you didn't deserve that. you don't deserve that. i would look at the album more than i should've. most of the time, it would be in art class. i'd be on the verge of tears sitting near you. and to make it worse, kaleb and or jude were always all over you. i hated how they touched you. i hated how they deliberately sat inbetween me and you. i hated how they so obviously wanted you to themselves. and the day you told me kaleb touched your thigh ? i went home, and i cried. i cried a lot actually, every few days. i was so pent up with them blatantly throwing themselves at you. then kaleb texted me and said you were "so fine." i could barely hold myself together at that point. i knew you weren't mine, and i wasn't yours. but that didn't mean it hurt any less. pretty pathetic, huh ? even went home early one time because of how kaleb was so close to you. and you looked like you were enjoying it, that you wanted it. god, don't get me started on the hugs. jude every fucking day wanted a goddamn hug. asked you. and you were just being nice, i know. at least i think. maybe you wanted to, i don't know. i don't hold it against you if so. it just really fucking hurt. because he was so suddenly obsessed with you. and you were open to it, at least it seemed that way. after how he treated me, treated shania, i couldn't do it. especially on the days kaleb and jude were practically fawning over you, that's when that album opened. that's when i scrolled through it all, eyes glassy, heart racing, nearly hyperventilating and barely keeping myself together. xander saw it at some point and tried to delete it. i would laugh it off and say i was fine, it's nothing. sometimes i'd say i needed it. because in a way, i did. it was the only thing, besides lupita and aiden, keeping me from letting everyone know that i already had my eyes on you and you had yours on mine. but at the time ? i couldn't say that. because your eyes couldn't be on me. i don't know if they were or not, but they couldn't be. you had already told me i crossed various of your boundaries. and i broke in with guilt, fear and a sense of shame. i still feel so bad, so guilty, so ashamed of myself. i don't deserve you, i never deserved you. and yet you came back, you stayed. anyways.. that album has been deleted for maybe a few months now. i believe you and everything you say, and i trust you and what you say.
holy yappatron..
(8:33am) mom is yelling at me. she's pissed off because our neighbor told her that she sent her something on messenger but it's asking her for a pin. she's shoving her phone in my face and yelling at me because i don't know what the fuck it's even asking her for. like what fucking pin ? i don't know ?? everything is kinda bottling up again and i feel like crying my eyes out. she wants me to know everything and to be perfect, but i'm not. and she makes me feel bad about not being perfect.
(8:37am) i have another cold sore on my lip. it hurts.. and i look weird again. i hate looking the way i do, eugh..
(8:40am) okay, more yapping.. i get so jealous, i'm sorry.. hearing that you were out of town gave me a little bit of fear. you could've found someone absolutely amazing, someone perfect. you could've striked up a conversation and clicked immediately with someone. you could've had a love at first sight moment with someone. you could've seen the prettiest person to exist, with an even more beautiful personality. and that's scary. it's scary to know the majority of the world is so much better than me. more pleasing to the eye, better built, nicer, more approachable. i didn't really know how to feel when you said you were annoyed that some guy was ignoring you. you don't deserve to be ignored, not at all. but you said it like you wanted to talk to him, like you were interested. jeez, i make it sound like you can't even have friends.. another thing i guess i'll yap about.. the mall day.. i was really jealous whenever i saw how good you and maryah were getting along. and because of that, i'm afraid i was being overly touchy. overly clingy. i'm sorry.. i know she has a boyfriend, that you say you want just me. and i believe you, i trust you. i still just can't help but wish i could have all of you, your attention and time to myself. same day, the mall.. i swear i saw aiden and luca. while we were walking into spencer's, and when we were walking out. i almost had a heart attack, i was preparing to get yelled at, maybe even hit. and then leaving orange park ? i swear i saw lupita and one of your guys' friends. and i tugged xander's sleeve, i started panicking and asking him if that was actually lupita. i guess i was talking too lowly, cause he didn't hear me. that doesn't mean i stopped breathing shallowly, that i wasn't getting sweaty palms or my heart wasn't racing in fear. i get scared of the thought of them. and that's pathetic of me, but god.. now, i'm starting to shake, on the verge of crying. i don't want your friends and family to hate me. i don't want your family to despise me. i don't want you to eventually marry someone your friends and family don't like or approve of. okay, do i really care ? fuck no. i think you should be with whoever you want without worrying about other people. am i saying that because it's me ? no, i'm not. me or not me, whoever you end up with, should be who you want. not your family, not your friends. i guess i'm only worried because it's me. in all honesty, even though you already know because of how annoying i am with telling you constantly, i'm terrified of losing you. of you loving someone who's not me. of you loving someone that is better than me, even if i think you sometimes deserve just that. i'm scared. i get so physically ill to where i can't eat, i can't do anything but think and think. think about if you'd be happier with someone else, if maybe i'm still holding you back, holding you down.
i'll stop yapping so much.. at least for now. maybe i'll change the font on here, it's not the easiest to read, and i can barely spot my typos..
(11:12pm) i fucking missed your hour. again. by a minute. jeez, what can else can i fuck up.. back to friends is playing. is it bad that it sorta reminds me of us ? not in a bad way, of course. just.. when we did share a bed. not sexually, god no. i couldn't imagine you ever even wanting something like that. not with me, at least. but just cuddling, sleeping, you know ? and it just happened to be on my birthday too. you wanted to go back to friends. i didn't think i'd live past that day. ironic, huh ? cause i'm still here. because of you, and i want to keep living. because of you. maybe that's why i'm so scared of the thought of my birthday rolling around again. i'm scared of losing you. again. i'm scared that it'll ruin everything. again. that i'll ruin everything. again. i don't want you to get in trouble, to be yelled at, to be taken away. if you leave, i want it to be of your own accord. not someone else's. maybe that'd hurt more, i don't know. you leaving at all would hurt. a lot. i should be asleep right now, huh.. i can't. i can't go to sleep, not with this stupid fear gnawing at me like there's nothing else to nibble on in this world. but your words made my heart beat extra fast, you know ? it made me feel warm and happy. maybe i just struggle to accept what you say sometimes. not that i don't believe or trust you, because i do. it's just.. me ? it's me. you say these things to me instead of anyone else. and i can't quite wrap my head around why. why me. why me ? i don't know. i'm not complaing though, god, never. i just. don't want you to regret this. regret me. regret us. regret anything. and i've yapped so fucking much today, jesus.. be ballin. aha.. ha.. ha. okay, shuts up..
August 12th, 2025—Tuesday
(10:29pm) sighssss.. i yapped enough to you already tonight, yesterday, the day before that and the day before that.. shania said that you left us. you didnt leave us, you left them. you wouldnt leave me. i know that. youre not gonna leave me. but then shania said that you held a special place in her heart. which. i knew how she meant it, that she meant it in a friendly way. but still. it pissed me off and it hurt. i know that so many people hold you in a special place, in their lives, hearts, to them and in general. family, friends, but i want it to be just me. selfish, yeah.. i also instinctively screenshotted what she said. to add to that album i mentioned a while ago. i forgot i had deleted it. for a moment, it slipped my mind that you're actually mine. that you dont belong to aiden or lupita, that you don't belong to those random kids who basically hit on you whilst you were on call with me at the skating place, that you dont belong to your coworkers, that you dont belong to anyone who has their eyes on you. but i hope you do belong to me, i mean, really belong to me. i want you to be mine and for me to be yours, for it to stay that way.
another thing i guess, cause i've bothered you enough tonight as is, even if you say i'm never bothering you. i had an anxiety episode earlier, a bit after you went into work. i texted you and asked something, trying to get a hold of myself. but i felt bad a few minutes after and deleted it. that anxiety episode took a lot out of me, including rational thinking, so im sorry if im being extra stubborn tonight. nightmare as well, it was bad. i woke up and i could barely breath after my nap, i ran straight to the bathroom whenever i was able to sit up and stand up. i muted because i was so scared of explaining my nightmare to you. for you to get tired of the same thing over and over again and leave. i was also crying, i couldnt breathe, everything was hurting too. it was more real feeling and detailed than i'd like it to be. the nightmare, i mean. i guess i'll yap about it here, don't wanna directly bother you with more stuff. you're driving anyways, i want you to be safe..
you texted me, you said that you were coming over. you got here, we went to my room and we talked. it was a day in december, i'd assume my birthday; because that's what you started with. "happy birthday," you told me as soon as we sat down. we talked, doomscrolled on tiktok, ate and then sat quietly. it was late at night, lying together in bed. you told me you came over to wish me and to talk. you said that you were moving up north, ohio, because you wanted to be with her. you wanted her more than anything, and you said sorry. you still asked if you could sleep over though. you said that it'd be like a final sleepover, and you would be leaving the state in the morning. i was happy that you were able to tell me, to be honest, to know what would make you happy and to do it. but maybe i would've preferred if you didnt tell me. if you continued to pretend to love me. because i couldn't breathe, couldn't see in the dark as we lied there and my eyes glazed over, glassy with unshed tears. i couldn't cry, not infront of you. not when you lied on the other side of the bed, as we faced away from each other, and then i felt nothing. i stood up, said i was going to the bathroom, as if you were even awake. before i left, i opened my drawer, drawing my razor blades and heading out. i left my phone in my room, sending a quick "thank you" and "i love you" to you before leaving, checking your phone too swipe away the notifications so you wouldnt see until morning. and then i walked out, to the bathroom. not before petting my cats, my dog, kissing them gently and trailing back to my room. i was scared. but i wanted you to be happy, with whoever made you happy. and even if i no longer made you happy, if she made you happier than i ever did or could, if you loved her far more than i, and you wanted her—i loved you. placing the softest kiss i could muster without breaking down on your forehead, i left the room for good. i didnt have any special last words for anyone, i couldnt care less. i just wanted you, and you didnt want me. and i wanted you to have what you want, because you deserve it. you were the first and last person to receive any words from me that night. it took me a while, slowly dragging sharp edges along my skin. especially the places i hate, the places you once said you loved. my arms, wrists, thighs, stomach, chest, neck, anywhere the sharpness could reach. i didn't want to have a bloody, loud, messy death. i didn't want to leave that for anyone to see, especially not you. i swore i'd pay you back for everything you've done for me, but i knew i couldn't anymore. you always said you didn't mind spending money on me. so, i bought a tank of helium, a hose, and a mask for it with some of your money, as i still had the ability to log in to your cashapp. the body treats helium as oxygen, so you just keep on breathing and asphyxiation—sense of drowning, no air—does not kick in. and when it got there, i prepared myself, and connected the hose to the tank and mask. and i breathed it in, sitting there for minutes and minutes. and eventually, i would pass out, and brain death would allow me to leave the world. the mask was so helium wouldnt leak out and cause anyone else to inhale it and die without knowing they were slowly choking to death. i didn't want that to happen to mom, milo, mochi, sandy, even sam. but god, i didn't want that to happwn to you. and then, i was just gone. it was black, everything was quiet, or maybe there was nothing. i was gone, i was dead. you could live happily with her. and i was able to die with a smile knowing that, regardless of how much it hurt, how scared i was, or how badly i still wanted you. how badly i still loved you. and how i knew it would always only be you, even when it wasn't me for you, even if you didn't want or love me. and then i woke up from my nap. and now i'm here yapping, 11:35 pm. i should be asleep for school, but instead, i just want you. i just want to talk to you, be with you. you'll really let me move in as soon as i graduate ? you won't ask me to wait until i'm 18 ? you really wanna be with me, you really want me ? you're sure of me ? i'm so sure of you. i just want you, so, so very badly. i love you, mi sol. i love you so damn much, krolik.