What are tone tags?

Tone tags are a way of specifying tone over text. They are tags that go at the end of your message, intended to clarify your tone. Examples:
Good luck /gen = 'Good luck' said with a genuine tone
That's so cool! /pos = 'That's so cool' said with positive intent
Stop talking /srs = 'Stop talking' said with a serious tone
I didn't say that /npa = 'I didn't say that' said without passive aggressive intent

Why do people use tone tags?

Some people struggle to identify tone over text and ask others to use tone tags to 'help' with this. Other people want to avoid confrontation from their tone being misunderstood. These are the main reasons why people use tone tags.

What are the issues with tone tags?

This is a big question, so I'm going to break it down into chunks.

Tone policing.

Many people use tone tags to try and tone police other people. For example, two people may be in an argument, and person A may tell person B to use a '/nm' (not mad) tone tag. This comes across as tone policing, with person A trying to make themselves look better for not being angry. Tone policing is a form of manipulation that often targets people from marginalised/vulnerable groups, who are more likely to get angry in discussions that are personal to them (e.g., discussions about racism, ableism, transphobia, etc), while people not within these groups are able to engage in these discussions without getting angry because they aren't personally impacted by them. Tone policing places a moral judgement on those who get angry during arguments, and encourages onlookers to see the angry person as inherently wrong solely because they aren't micromanaging how they come across.

Lying.

Many people use tone tags to lie about their tone. For example, someone may use a '/nm' (not mad) or '/npa' (not passive aggressive) tone tag when they are actually mad or they are actually being passive aggressive, to control how they come across. This, of course, is very confusing for most people who are able to recognise the signs that someone is angry, but are being told that they're wrong.

Memory issues.

Some people have issues with their long and short term memory for a variety of reasons. Expecting these people to memorise a list of tone tags, or to check a list of tone tags, to engage with other people online is unfair, and as most people with memory issues have those issues due to some kind of medical condition, can come across as ableist.

Autism.

Deficits in social communication are part of the diagnostic criteria of autism. As a part of this, many autistic people struggle to identify and moderate their own tones. This leads many autistic people to struggle to use tone tags, with some autistic people unable to use them altogether due to having naturally flat tones (this issue also extends to some other conditions; I am focusing on autism because I am autistic). When people demand that autistic people use tone tags, this can be distressing as it may remind us of how we are judged for our 'inappropriate' tones offline, as well.

Enabling anxiety.

Many people who use tone tags claim that it helps their anxiety as it helps them to avoid confrontations. However, avoiding situations that make you anxious only fuels your anxiety. For many people, the use of tone tags is a Safety Behaviour. It is important for people to learn how to handle confrontation, as being able to manage and communicate through misunderstandings is an important interpersonal skill to have.

How to compromise about the use of tone tags?

Tone simply is harder for many people to understand over text, because over text we're missing many ways of picking up on tone (body language, pitch, literal tone of voice, etc). However, tone tags only started to be used widely in around 2020, and people managed to communicate perfectly well, generally using punctuation or emoticons to specify their tone, before then. In some cases, small modifiers like these may not be enough to communicate your tone. In these situations, I have a simple solution:

Ask. People. Directly.

Clarify. Using. Words.

If you don't understand someone's tone, or are worried that someone is upset with you - you can directly ask them. Most people will be perfectly happy to explain what they meant and clear up any misunderstandings.

If you're worried that your tone may not come across as you intend, you can specify it with words; so instead of saying 'Sorry /gen', try saying 'I'm genuinely sorry'. Not only does it flow better, but it helps you to communicate more clearly, and helps to accommodate those who can't memorise tone tags.

If you found this helpful, please feel free to share it anywhere that you'd like to!

Edit

Pub: 21 Sep 2022 14:38 UTC

Edit: 21 Sep 2022 14:43 UTC

Views: 589