" Spending our last days together, dreaming about what could've been. "
10/09/24 <3
 
I feel a little silly writing this for you considering you're not even real. I mean— A man pushing forty writing a letter for a girl who doesn't even exist? That's rich! But yumeshipping and source memories are tough nuts to crack, and I am but a man weak for a woman who will never look his way. This will also apparently help me feel better: writing things out— what with it being a nice outlet for things I never got to say and will never get to say to you directly.

I just know you'd have a field day with this. You always did encourage me to talk about my feelings. I'm not refining any of this. None of this is scripted or outlined beforehand; this is just straight from the heart— I'm spewing everything that comes to mind as I type. I think this is the rawest I will ever be with my feelings. Such a shame that you won't be able to read and witness this, though, what with you not being real. A real damn shame— depriving the world of such a perfect, smart, and beautiful woman, but I digress.

The first thing I would like to say is that I want to apologize for my inaction, especially for a situation that serious and severe. I should have done something. I should have done anything like I said I would. And yet I didn't because I was in shock; I was in denial of a situation I didn't deserve to feel conflicted and hesitant about in the moment. I shouldn't have prioritized my shocked realization over your literal safety.

In fact, I should have seen the signs before anything even happened. Should have sensed your discomfort towards him. Should have sensed something was up the moment he made it clear that he saw you as lesser. Should have spoken up for you when I had every chance to do so.

Looking back, it was so easy to come up with a solution while still "keeping the peace" like I wanted. I could have just had you sleep in the clinic. At least then you were in one of the few rooms that had a lock. He had no way of going in. He would've been unable to hurt you. If he had any complaints about this arrangement, he would've exposed himself as the absolute scum that he was. You would've been safe.

I failed you, both as a captain and as a friend. And I have to live with the guilt of knowing I could have done so much more than what I ended up doing. But knowing you, you'd forgive me in a heartbeat even though I don't deserve your mercy at all. Because that's just the kind of woman you are.

Though realistically, this never happened outside of source memories. God, I manage to sound absolutely delusional even while being completely self-aware. And isn't it just so funny? So hilariously sad? A real, grown man of flesh and blood knowingly pining over some fictional character to the point where he genuinely aches for her every hour of every day and mourns her lack of existence, all because he's an introject with some measly "memories", and said aching is expressed through a letter she will never be able to read because she isn't real. Embarrassing, truly.

Still, real or not, it doesn't negate the fact that I love you. You're too perfect for me, and I know that, and yet... And I feel guilty for that, even though I really can't help it when you're so... You. Maybe God knows I'm unworthy of you, and that's why you don't exist. The closest I'll ever be to you is in pseudo-memories, and even then I couldn't have you.

But maybe I should shove all of this self-awareness to the side right now because it's seriously stunting how far I'm willing to go with expressing my feelings. I think it's redundant of me to keep making little disclaimers between paragraphs about how I know you're not real and yet I'm making this letter for you, so I'll stop. You always did find it a bit frustrating when I wouldn't bring myself to be completely open with you, opting to just brush any sort of discussion about myself off all because I found it silly to talk about my own feelings.

So, aside from late apologies, I still have plenty to say. I'm just not very good with flowery words, especially when going in-depth with them, but I want to get everything off of my chest. You deserve to know every little thing about what I think about you. So bear with me here.

I've loved you since the moment that I saw you.

I've always found you absolutely stunning the moment you were introduced as an addition to our crew. You looked so delicate, with your droopy, sullen eyes encased by thick lashes and your black, shaggy hair framing your face so perfectly. You have a kind of beauty that Renaissance painters would go to war for just for a sliver of chance to have you as their muse. I would spend hours upon hours just tracing my eyes over every single crevice of your face if I could; appreciate God's craftsmanship in sculpting such an ethereal woman.

I've always found you smart and funny, and your determination to get into medical school despite failing to do so a multitude of times before, all because you were genuinely passionate about it— about wanting to become a nurse. Even when your abilities were called into question, you never backed down from what you wanted to achieve. If anyone else was in your shoes, I'm sure they would've given up at this point. But you, you never even considered it.

Though, even with your maturity, you have these certain moments where you lack it, but they are no less adorable and endearing than how you normally are. I love how competitive you are when it actually comes to it. I love how you can be a sore loser over such unserious things. I love how you cannot seem to take a compliment, even though we both know it's well-deserved.

Still, these certain bouts of "immaturity" aren't enough to overshadow your true nature. You are unwaveringly kind. You choose to see the best in people, despite how much they've hurt and wronged you. Even when you're aware that they don't deserve your mercy and forgiveness, you still choose to give it anyway. And I find that admirable as much as I find it tragic.

I just— I love everything about you, really. You're so perfect that it's just so unfortunate you don't exist.
 

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Pub: 16 Nov 2024 09:31 UTC
Edit: 17 Nov 2024 23:50 UTC
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