STOPP WITH THE ANGEL DUST SHIT FUCK OFFFFFFF
YEAH FUCKOFF OMD GET A LIFE ONG.......\

it's really ugly and i had this URL before, i miss it. i regret my actions and it was not gifted or anything. i am @gojo on retrospring and i am talking from russia rn cus im there on vacation :)

u aint getting it cute face emoji

kys <3

dang ok vro i was jokin no need for the violence

if anyone actually wants this um @novelist on rs for free

NO ONE WANTS THIS URL DAWG.😭😭😭😭

I LOVE HASBIN HOTEL AND EVERYONE HERE WHO HAS SAID SOMETHING HERE IS GAY AND LOVES HAZBIN HOTPE

hallo :3

SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)

⎗
✓
Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his 
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go 
after the ogre.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

                      MAN1
          Think it's in there?

                      MAN2
          All right. Let's get it!

                      MAN1
          Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that 
          thing can do to you?

                      MAN3
          Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's 
          bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

                      SHREK
          Yes, well, actually, that would be a 
          giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. 
          They'll make a suit from your freshly 
          peeled skin.

                      MEN
          No!

                      SHREK
          They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the 
          jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's 
          quite good on toast.

                      MAN1
          Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! 
          (waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The 
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long 
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the 
men are in the dark.

                      SHREK
          This is the part where you run away. 
          (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) 
          And stay out! (looks down and picks 
          up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. 
          Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and 
          throws the paper over his shoulder.)


THE NEXT DAY

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard 
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures 
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line 
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto 
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three 
little pigs.

                      GUARD
          All right. This one's full. Take it 
          away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!


                      HEAD GUARD
          Next!

                      GUARD
          (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! 
          Your flying days are over. (breaks the 
          broom in half)

                      HEAD GUARD
          That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. 
          Next!

                      GUARD
          Get up! Come on!

                      HEAD GUARD
          Twenty pieces.

                      LITTLE BEAR
          (crying) This cage is too small.

                      DONKEY
          Please, don't turn me in. I'll never 
          be stubborn again. I can change. Please! 
          Give me another chance!

                      OLD WOMAN
          Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

                      DONKEY
          Oh!

                      HEAD GUARD
          Next! What have you got?

                      GIPETTO
          This little wooden puppet.

                      PINOCCHIO
          I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his 
          nose grows)

                      HEAD GUARD
          Five shillings for the possessed toy. 
          Take it away.

                      PINOCCHIO
          Father, please! Don't let them do this! 
          Help me!

Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up 
to the table.

                      HEAD GUARD
          Next! What have you got?

                      OLD WOMAN
          Well, I've got a talking donkey.

                      HEAD GUARD
          Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, 
          if you can prove it.

                      OLD WOMAN
          Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Donkey just looks up at her.

                      HEAD GUARD
          Well?

                      OLD WOMAN
          Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little 
          nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. 
          Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

                      HEAD GUARD
          That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!


                      OLD WOMAN
          No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends 
          to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to 
          talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing 
          you ever saw.

                      HEAD GUARD
          Get her out of my sight.

                      OLD WOMAN
          No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One 
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's 
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled 
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

                      DONKEY
          Hey! I can fly!

                      PETER PAN
          He can fly!

                      3 LITTLE PIGS
          He can fly!

                      HEAD GUARD
          He can talk!

                      DONKEY
          Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm 
          a flying, talking donkey. You might 
          have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly 
          but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey 
          fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins 
          to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink 
          to the ground.)

He hits the ground with a thud.

                      HEAD GUARD
          Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) 
          After him!

                      GUARDS
          He's getting away! Get him! This way! 
          Turn!

Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. 
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared 
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He 
quickly hides behind Shrek.

                      HEAD GUARD
          You there. Ogre!

                      SHREK
          Aye?

                      HEAD GUARD
          By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized 
          to place you both under arrest and transport 
          you to a designated resettlement facility.


                      SHREK
          Oh, really? You and what army?

He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well 
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail 
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and 
begins walking back to his cottage.

                      DONKEY
          Can I say something to you? Listen, 
          you was really, really, really somethin' 
          back here. Incredible!

                      SHREK
          Are you talkin' to...(he turns around 
          and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back 
          around and Donkey is right in front 
          of him.) Whoa!

                      DONKEY
          Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell 
          you that you that you was great back 
          here? Those guards! They thought they 
          was all of that. Then you showed up, 
          and bam! They was trippin' over themselves 
          like babes in the woods. That really 
          made me feel good to see that.

                      SHREK
          Oh, that's great. Really.

                      DONKEY
          Man, it's good to be free.

                      SHREK
          Now, why don't you go celebrate your 
          freedom with your own friends? Hmm?


                      DONKEY
          But, uh, I don't have any friends. And 
          I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, 
          wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll 
          stick with you. You're mean, green, 
          fightin' machine. Together we'll scare 
          the spit out of anybody that crosses 
          us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very 
loudly.

                      DONKEY
          Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you 
          don't mind me sayin', if that don't 
          work, your breath certainly will get 
          the job done, 'cause you definitely 
          need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause 
          you breath stinks! You almost burned 
          the hair outta my nose, just like the 
          time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey 
          continues to talk, so Shrek removes 
          his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten 
          berries. I had strong gases leaking 
          out of my butt that day.

                      SHREK
          Why are you following me?

                      DONKEY
          I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause 
          I'm all alone, There's no one here beside 
          me, My problems have all gone, There's 
          no one to deride me, But you gotta have 
          faith...

                      SHREK
          Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't 
          have any friends.

                      DONKEY
          Wow. Only a true friend would be that 
          cruelly honest.

                      SHREK
          Listen, little donkey. Take a look at 
          me. What am I?

                      DONKEY
          (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really 
          tall?

                      SHREK
          No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your 
          torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that 
          bother you?

                      DONKEY
          Nope.

SHREK
Really?

⎗
✓
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                      DONKEY
          Really, really.

                      SHREK
          Oh.

                      DONKEY
          Man, I like you. What's you name?

                      SHREK
          Uh, Shrek.

                      DONKEY
          Shrek? Well, you know what I like about 
          you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me 
          thing. I like that. I respect that, 
          Shrek. You all right. (They come over 
          a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) 
          Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live 
          in place like that?

                      SHREK
          That would be my home.

                      DONKEY
          Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. 
          You know you are quite a decorator. 
          It's amazing what you've done with such 
          a modest budget. I like that boulder. 
          That is a nice boulder. I guess you 
          don't entertain much, do you?

                      SHREK
          I like my privacy.

                      DONKEY
          You know, I do too. That's another thing 
          we have in common. Like I hate it when 
          you got somebody in your face. You've 
          trying to give them a hint, and they 
          won't leave. There's that awkward silence. 
          (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?


                      SHREK
          Uh, what?

                      DONKEY
          Can I stay with you, please?

                      SHREK
          (sarcastically) Of course!

                      DONKEY
          Really?

                      SHREK
          No.

                      DONKEY
          Please! I don't wanna go back there! 
          You don't know what it's like to be 
          considered a freak. (pause while he 
          looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. 
          But that's why we gotta stick together. 
          You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!


                      SHREK
          Okay! Okay! But one night only.

                      DONKEY
          Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)


                      SHREK
          What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto 
          a chair.) No! No!

                      DONKEY
          This is gonna be fun! We can stay up 
          late, swappin' manly stories, and in 
          the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

                      SHREK
          Oh!

                      DONKEY
          Where do, uh, I sleep?

                      SHREK
          (irritated) Outside!

                      DONKEY
          Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, 
          I don't know you, and you don't know 
          me, so I guess outside is best, you 
          know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek 
          slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do 
          like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was 
          born outside. I'll just be sitting by 
          myself outside, I guess, you know. By 
          myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's 
          no one here beside me...

SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights 
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a 
noise. He stands up with a huff.

                      SHREK
          (to Donkey) I thought I told you to 
          stay outside.

                      DONKEY
          (from the window) I am outside.


There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that 
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns 
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.

                      BLIND MOUSE1
          Well, gents, it's a far cry from the 
          farm, but what choice do we have?


                      BLIND MOUSE2
          It's not home, but it'll do just fine.


                      GORDO
          (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.


                      SHREK
          Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes 
          and lands on his shoulder.)

                      GORDO
          I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's 
          ear)

                      SHREK
          Ow!

                      GORDO
          Blah! Awful stuff.

                      BLIND MOUSE1
          Is that you, Gordo?

                      GORDO
          How did you know?

                      SHREK
          Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are 
          you doing in my house? (He gets bumped 
          from behind and he drops the mice.) 
          Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves 
          with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, 
          no, no. Dead broad off the table.


                      DWARF
          Where are we supposed to put her? The 
          bed's taken.

                      SHREK
          Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. 
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at 
him.

                      BIG BAD WOLF
          What?

TIME LAPSE

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging 
him to the front door.

                      SHREK
          I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm 
          a terrifying ogre! What do I have to 
          do get a little privacy? (He opens the 
          front door to throw the Wolf out and 
          he sees that all the collected Fairy 
          Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, 
          no. No! No!

The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his 
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing 
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.


                      SHREK
          What are you doing in my swamp? (this 
          echoes and everyone falls silent.)


Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a 
tent.

                      SHREK
          All right, get out of here. All of you, 
          move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! 
          Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more 
          dwarves run inside the house) No, no! 
          No, no. Not there. Not there. (they 
          shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to 
          look at Donkey)
                  DONKEY
          Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite 
          them.

                      PINOCCHIO
          Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

                      SHREK
          What?

                      PINOCCHIO
          We were forced to come here.

                      SHREK
          (flabbergasted) By who?

                      LITTLE PIG
          Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed 
          and he...signed an eviction notice.


                      SHREK
          (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where 
          this Farquaad guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

                      DONKEY
          Oh, I do. I know where he is.

                      SHREK
          Does anyone else know where to find 
          him? Anyone at all?

                      DONKEY
          Me! Me!

                      SHREK
          Anyone?

                      DONKEY
          Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! 
          Me, me!

                      SHREK
          (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy 
          tale things. Do not get comfortable. 
          Your welcome is officially worn out. 
          In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad 
          right now and get you all off my land 
          and back where you came from! (Pause. 
          Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) 
          You! You're comin' with me.

                      DONKEY
          All right, that's what I like to hear, 
          man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart 
          friends, off on a whirlwind big-city 
          adventure. I love it!

                      DONKEY
          (singing) On the road again. Sing it 
          with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get 
          on the road again.

                      SHREK
          What did I say about singing?

                      DONKEY
          Can I whistle?

                      SHREK
          No.

                      DONKEY
          Can I hum it?

                      SHREK
          All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

DULOC - KITCHEN

A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually 
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

                      FARQUAAD
          That's enough. He's ready to talk.


The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down 
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the 
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes 
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.


                      FARQUAAD
          (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs 
          and plays with them) Run, run, run, 
          as fast as you can. You can't catch 
          me. I'm the gingerbread man.

                      GINGERBREAD MAN
          You are a monster.

                      FARQUAAD
          I'm not the monster here. You are. You 
          and the rest of that fairy tale trash, 
          poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell 
          me! Where are the others?

                      GINGERBREAD MAN
          Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's 
          eye.)

                      FARQUAAD
          I've tried to be fair to you creatures. 
          Now my patience has reached its end! 
          Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to 
          pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)


                      GINGERBREAD MAN
          No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop 
          buttons.

                      FARQUAAD
          All right then. Who's hiding them?


                      GINGERBREAD MAN
          Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the 
          muffin man?

                      FARQUAAD
          The muffin man?

                      GINGERBREAD MAN
          The muffin man.

                      FARQUAAD
          Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives 
          on Drury Lane?

                      GINGERBREAD MAN
          Well, she's married to the muffin man.


                      FARQUAAD
          The muffin man?

                      GINGERBREAD MAN
          The muffin man!

                      FARQUAAD
          She's married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

                      HEAD GUARD
          My lord! We found it.

                      FARQUAAD
          Then what are you waiting for? Bring 
          it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. 
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic 
Mirror.

                      GINGERBREAD MAN
          (in awe) Ohhhh...

                      FARQUAAD
          Magic mirror...

                      GINGERBREAD MAN
          Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks 
          him up and dumps him into a trash can 
          with a lid.) No!

                      FARQUAAD
          Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. 
          Is this not the most perfect kingdom 
          of them all?

                      MIRROR
          Well, technically you're not a king.


                      FARQUAAD
          Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a 
          hand mirror and smashes it with his 
          fist.) You were saying?

                      MIRROR
          What I mean is you're not a king yet. 
          But you can become one. All you have 
          to do is marry a princess.

                      FARQUAAD
          Go on.

                      MIRROR
          (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back 
          and relax, my lord, because it's time 
          for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. 
          And here they are! Bachelorette number 
          one is a mentally abused shut-in from 
          a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi 
          and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies 
          include cooking and cleaning for her 
          two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. 
          (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette 
          number two is a cape-wearing girl from 
          the land of fancy. Although she lives 
          with seven other men, she's not easy. 
          Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and 
          find out what a live wire she is. Come 
          on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows 
          picture of Snow White) And last, but 
          certainly not last, bachelorette number 
          three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded 
          castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! 
          But don't let that cool you off. She's 
          a loaded pistol who likes pina colads 
          and getting caught in the rain. Yours 
          for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows 
          picture of Princess Fiona) So will it 
          be bachelorette number one, bachelorette 
          number two or bachelorette number three?


                      GUARDS
          Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!


                      FARQUAAD
          Three? One? Three?

                      THELONIUS
          Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number 
          three, my lord!

                      FARQUAAD
          Okay, okay, uh, number three!

                      MIRROR
          Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess 
          Fiona.

                      FARQUAAD
          Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I 
          have to do is just find someone who 
          can go...

                      MIRROR
          But I probably should mention the little 
          thing that happens at night.

                      FARQUAAD
          I'll do it.

                      MIRROR
          Yes, but after sunset...
                     FARQUAAD
          Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona 
          my queen, and DuLoc will finally have 
          the perfect king! Captain, assemble 
          your finest men. We're going to have 
          a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking 
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

                      DONKEY
          But that's it. That's it right there. 
          That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.


                      SHREK
          So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.


                      DONKEY
          Uh-huh. That's the place.

                      SHREK
          Do you think maybe he's compensating 
          for something? (He laughs, but then 
          groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. 
          He continues walking through the parking 
          lot.)

                      DONKEY
          Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

                      MAN
          Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.


                      SHREK
          Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing 
          a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, 
          screams and begins running through the 
          rows of rope to get to the front gate 
          to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. 
          Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just 
          - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins 
          walking straight through the rows. The 
          attendant runs into a wall and falls 
          down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then 
          continue on into DuLoc.)

DULOC

They look around but all is quiet.

                      SHREK
          It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?


                      DONKEY
          Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box 
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors 
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin 
to sing.

                      WOODEN PEOPLE
          Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town


Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

                      DONKEY
          Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready 
          to run over and pull the lever again)


                      SHREK
          (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) 
          No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

                      FARQUAAD
          Brave knights. You are the best and 
          brightest in all the land. Today one 
          of you shall prove himself...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena 
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

                      SHREK
          All right. You're going the right way 
          for a smacked bottom.

                      DONKEY
          Sorry about that.

                      FARQUAAD
          That champion shall have the honor - 
          - no, no - - the privilege to go forth 
          and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona 
          from the fiery keep of the dragon. If 
          for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, 
          the first runner-up will take his place 
          and so on and so forth. Some of you 
          may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing 
          to make. (cheers) Let the tournament 
          begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is 
          that? It's hideous!

                      SHREK
          (turns to look at Donkey and then back 
          at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. 
          It's just a donkey.

                      FARQUAAD
          Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who 
          kills the ogre will be named champion! 
          Have it him!

                      MEN
          Get him!

                      SHREK
          Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps 
          into a table where there are mugs of 
          beer)

                      CROWD
          Go ahead! Get him!

                      SHREK
          (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just 
          settle this over a pint?

                      CROWD
          Kill the beast!

                      SHREK
          No? All right then. (drinks the beer) 
          Come on!

He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel 
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the 
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides 
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. 
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger 
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. 
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much 
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice 
to say that Shrek kicks butt.

                      DONKEY
          Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek 
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

                      SHREK
          Yeah!

A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time 
and sees him.
                      WOMAN
          The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men 
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding 
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

                      SHREK
          Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you 
          very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try 
          the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on 
Shrek.

                      HEAD GUARD
          Shall I give the order, sir?

                      FARQUAAD
          No, I have a better idea. People of 
          DuLoc, I give you our champion!

                      SHREK
          What?

                      FARQUAAD
          Congratulations, ogre. You're won the 
          honor of embarking on a great and noble 
          quest.

                      SHREK
          Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest 
          to get my swamp back.

                      FARQUAAD
          Your swamp?

                      SHREK

Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!

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                      FARQUAAD
          Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you 
          a deal. Go on this quest for me, and 
          I'll give you your swamp back.

                      SHREK
          Exactly the way it was?

                      FARQUAAD
          Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.


                      SHREK
          And the squatters?

                      FARQUAAD
          As good as gone.

                      SHREK
          What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field 
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

                      DONKEY
          Let me get this straight. You're gonna 
          go fight a dragon and rescue a princess 
          just so Farquaad will give you back 
          a swamp which you only don't have because 
          he filled it full of freaks in the first 
          place. Is that about right?

                      SHREK
          You know, maybe there's a good reason 
          donkeys shouldn't talk.

                      DONKEY
          I don't get it. Why don't you just pull 
          some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle 
          him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds 
          his bones to make your bread, the whole 
          ogre trip.

                      SHREK
          Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have 
          decapitated an entire village and put 
          their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, 
          cut open their spleen and drink their 
          fluids. Does that sound good to you?


                      DONKEY
          Uh, no, not really, no.

                      SHREK
          For your information, there's a lot 
          more to ogres than people think.

                      DONKEY
          Example?

                      SHREK
          Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. 
          (he holds out his onion)

                      DONKEY
          (sniffs the onion) They stink?

                      SHREK
          Yes - - No!

                      DONKEY
          They make you cry?

                      SHREK
          No!

                      DONKEY
          You leave them in the sun, they get 
          all brown, start sproutin' little white 
          hairs.

                      SHREK
          No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres 
          have layers! Onions have layers. You 
          get it? We both have layers. (he heaves 
          a sigh and then walks off)

                      DONKEY
          (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both 
          have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, 
          not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody 
          loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

                      SHREK
          I don't care... what everyone likes. 
          Ogres are not like cakes.

                      DONKEY
          You know what else everybody likes? 
          Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, 
          you say, "Let's get some parfait," they 
          say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? 
          Parfaits are delicious.

                      SHREK
          No! You dense, irritating, miniature 
          beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! 
          And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.


                      DONKEY
          Parfaits may be the most delicious thing 
          on the whole damn planet.

                      SHREK
          You know, I think I preferred your humming.


                      DONKEY
          Do you have a tissue or something? I'm 
          making a mess. Just the word parfait 
          make me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through 
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying 
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, 
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.

DRAGON'S KEEP

Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to 
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.


                      DONKEY
          (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? 
          You gotta warn somebody before you just 
          crack one off. My mouth was open and 
          everything.

                      SHREK
          Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd 
          be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We 
          must be getting close.

                      DONKEY
          Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking 
          about it's the brimstone. I know what 
          I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It 
          didn't come off no stone neither.


They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There 
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where 
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very 
foreboding.

                      SHREK
          Sure, it's big enough, but look at the 
          location. (laughs...then the laugh turns 
          into a groan)

                      DONKEY
          Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said 
          ogres have layers?

                      SHREK
          Oh, aye.

                      DONKEY
          Well, I have a bit of a confession to 
          make. Donkeys don't have layers. We 
          wear our fear right out there on our 
          sleeves.

                      SHREK
          Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.


                      DONKEY
          You know what I mean.

                      SHREK
          You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.


                      DONKEY
          No, I'm just a little uncomfortable 
          about being on a rickety bridge over 
          a boiling like of lava!

                      SHREK
          Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside 
          ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll 
          just tackle this thing together one 
          little baby step at a time.

                      DONKEY
          Really?

                      SHREK
          Really, really.

                      DONKEY
          Okay, that makes me feel so much better.


                      SHREK
          Just keep moving. And don't look down.


                      DONKEY
          Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. 
          Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't 
          look down. (he steps through a rotting 
          board and ends up looking straight down 
          into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! 
          Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me 
          off, please!

                      SHREK
          But you're already halfway.

                      DONKEY
          But I know that half is safe!

                      SHREK
          Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. 
          You go back.

                      DONKEY
          Shrek, no! Wait!

                      SHREK
          Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance 
          then, shall me? (bounces and sways the 
          bridge)

                      DONKEY
          Don't do that!

                      SHREK
          Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces 
          the bridge again)

                      DONKEY
          Yes, that!

                      SHREK
          Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to 
          bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across 
          the bridge)

                      DONKEY
          No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

                      SHREK
          You said do it! I'm doin' it.

                      DONKEY
          I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, 
          I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) 
          Oh!

                      SHREK
          That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks 
          towards the castle)

                      DONKEY
          Cool. So where is this fire-breathing 
          pain-in-the-neck anyway?

                      SHREK
          Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. 
          (chuckles)

                      DONKEY
          I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.


INSIDE THE CASTLE

                      DONKEY
          You afraid?

                      SHREK
          No.

                      DONKEY
          But...

                      SHREK
          Shh.

                      DONKEY
          Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton 
          and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong 
          with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible 
          response to an unfamiliar situation. 
          Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might 
          add. With a dragon that breathes fire 
          and eats knights and breathes fire, 
          it sure doesn't mean you're a coward 
          if you're a little scared. I sure as 
          heck ain't no coward. I know that.


                      SHREK
          Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. 
          Now go over there and see if you can 
          find any stairs.

                      DONKEY
          Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for 
          the princess.

                      SHREK
          (putting on a helmet) The princess will 
          be up the stairs in the highest room 
          in the tallest tower.

                      DONKEY
          What makes you think she'll be there?


                      SHREK
          I read it in a book once. (walks off)


                      DONKEY
          Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle 
          the stairs. I'll find those stairs. 
          I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs 
          won't know which way they're goin'. 
          (walks off)

EMPTY ROOM

Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.


                      DONKEY
          I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it 
          to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm 
          the stair master. I've mastered the 
          stairs. I wish I had a step right here. 
          I'd step all over it.

ELSEWHERE

Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

                      SHREK
          Well, at least we know where the princess 
          is, but where's the...

                      DONKEY
          (os) Dragon!

Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. 
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon 
breathes fire.

                      SHREK
          Donkey, look out! (he manages to get 
          a hold of the dragons tail and holds 
          on) Got ya!

The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek 
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the 
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying 
on the floor.

                      DONKEY
          Oh! Aah! Aah!

Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small 
part of the bridge he's on.

                      DONKEY
          No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, 
          what large teeth you have. (the dragon 
          growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. 
          I know you probably hear this all time 
          from your food, but you must bleach, 
          'cause that is one dazzling smile you 
          got there. Do I detect a hint of minty 
          freshness? And you know what else? You're 
          - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! 
          I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 
          You're just reeking of feminine beauty. 
          (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes 
          at him) What's the matter with you? 
          You got something in your eye? Ohh. 
          Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, 
          but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon 
          blows a smoke ring in the shape of a 
          heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm 
          an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd 
          work out if you're gonna blow smoke 
          rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him 
          up with her teeth and carries him off) 
          No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA'S ROOM

Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona 
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She 
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off 
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. 
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for 
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders 
and shakes her away.

                      FIONA
          Oh! Oh!

                      SHREK
          Wake up!

                      FIONA
          What?

                      SHREK
          Are you Princess Fiona?

                      FIONA
          I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to 
          rescue me.

                      SHREK
          Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

                      FIONA
          But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our 
          first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, 
          romantic moment?

                      SHREK
          Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.


                      FIONA
          Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should 
          sweep me off my feet out yonder window 
          and down a rope onto your valiant steed.


                      SHREK
          You've had a lot of time to plan this, 
          haven't you?

                      FIONA
          (smiles) Mm-hmm.

Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down 
the hallway.

                      FIONA
          But we have to savor this moment! You 
          could recite an epic poem for me. A 
          ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!


                      SHREK
          I don't think so.

                      FIONA
          Can I at least know the name of my champion?


                      SHREK
          Uh, Shrek.

                      FIONA
          Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds 
          out a handkerchief) I pray that you 
          take this favor as a token of my gratitude.


                      SHREK
          Thanks!

Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

                      FIONA
          (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?


                      SHREK
          It's on my to-do list. Now come on! 
          (takes off running and drags Fiona behind 
          him.)

                      FIONA
          But this isn't right! You were meant 
          to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. 
          That's what all the other knights did.


                      SHREK
          Yeah, right before they burst into flame.


                      FIONA
          That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly 
          stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek 
          ignores her and heads for a wooden door 
          off to the side.) Wait. Where are you 
          going? The exit's over there.

                      SHREK
          Well, I have to save my ass.

                      FIONA
          What kind of knight are you?

                      SHREK
          One of a kind. (opens the door into 
          the throne room)

                      DONKEY
          (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. 
          I believe it's healthy to get to know 
          someone over a long period of time. 
          Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs 
          worriedly) (we see him up close and 
          from a distance as Shrek sneaks into 
          the room) I don't want to rush into 
          a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally 
          ready for a commitment of, uh, this 
          - - Magnitude really is the word I'm 
          looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that 
          is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what 
          are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just 
          back up a little and take this one step 
          at a time. We really should get to know 
          each other first as friends or pen pals. 
          I'm on the road a lot, but I just love 
          receiving cards - - I'd really love 
          to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's 
          my tail! That's my personal tail. You're 
          gonna tear it off. I don't give permission 
          - - What are you gonna do with that? 
          Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. 
          No, no, no. No! Oh!

Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings 
toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks 
up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. 
He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps 
Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. 
Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and 
roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto 
her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms 
a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey 
take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and 
then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.

                      DONKEY
          Hi, Princess!

                      FIONA
          It talks!

                      SHREK
          Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's 
          the trick.

They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots 
a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a 
crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His 
eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles 
off and walks lightly.

                      SHREK
          Oh!

Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.


                      SHREK
          Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll 
          take care of the dragon.

Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the 
castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping 
chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that 
is still around the dragons neck.

                      SHREK
          (echoing) Run!

They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot 
pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons 
breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on 
for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They 
are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look 
in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to 
get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the 
dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs 
quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a 
sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.

                      FIONA
          (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You 
          did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. 
          (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) 
          You're - - You're wonderful. You're... 
          (turns and sees Shrek fall down the 
          hill and bump into Donkey) a little 
          unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed 
          is great, and thy heart is pure. I am 
          eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears 
          his throat.) And where would a brave 
          knight be without his noble steed?


                      DONKEY
          I hope you heard that. She called me 
          a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.


                      FIONA
          The battle is won. You may remove your 
          helmet, good Sir Knight.
          SHREK
          Uh, no.

                      FIONA
          Why not?

                      SHREK
          I have helmet hair.

                      FIONA
          Please. I would'st look upon the face 
          of my rescuer.

                      SHREK
          No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

                      FIONA
          But how will you kiss me?

                      SHREK
          What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the 
          job description.

                      DONKEY
          Maybe it's a perk.

                      FIONA
          No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know 
          how it goes. A princess locked in a 
          tower and beset by a dragon is rescued 
          by a brave knight, and then they share 
          true love's first kiss.

                      DONKEY
          Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. 
          Wait. You think that Shrek is you true 
          love?

                      FIONA
          Well, yes.

Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.

                      DONKEY
          You think Shrek is your true love!


                      FIONA
          What is so funny?

                      SHREK
          Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: 
          Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. 
          Now - - Now remove your helmet.

                      SHREK
          Look. I really don't think this is a 
          good idea.

                      FIONA
          Just take off the helmet.

                      SHREK
          I'm not going to.

                      FIONA
          Take it off.

                      SHREK
          No!

                      FIONA
          Now!

                      SHREK
          Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. 
          (takes off his helmet)

                      FIONA
          You- - You're a- - an ogre.

                      SHREK
          Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.


                      FIONA
          Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is 
          all wrong. You're not supposed to be 
          an ogre.

                      SHREK
          Princess, I was sent to rescue you by 
          Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who 
          wants to marry you.

                      FIONA
          Then why didn't he come rescue me?


                      SHREK
          Good question. You should ask him that 
          when we get there.

                      FIONA
          But I have to be rescued by my true 
          love, not by some ogre and his- - his 
          pet.

                      DONKEY
          Well, so much for noble steed.

                      SHREK
          You're not making my job any easier.


                      FIONA
          I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. 
          You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he 
          wants to rescue me properly, I'll be 
          waiting for him right here.

                      SHREK
          Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all 
          right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. 
          (he swiftly picks her up and swings 
          her over his shoulder like she was a 
          sack of potatoes)

                      FIONA
          You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

                      SHREK
          Ya comin', Donkey?

                      DONKEY
          I'm right behind ya.

                      FIONA
          Put me down, or you will suffer the 
          consequences! This is not dignified! 
          Put me down!

WOODS

A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just 
hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.

                      DONKEY
          Okay, so here's another question. Say 
          there's a woman that digs you, right, 
          but you don't really like her that way. 
          How do you let her down real easy so 
          her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't 
          get burned to a crisp and eaten?

                      FIONA
          You just tell her she's not your true 
          love. Everyone knows what happens when 
          you find your...(Shrek drops her on 
          the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to 
          DuLoc the better.

                      DONKEY
          You're gonna love it there, Princess. 
          It's beautiful!

                      FIONA
          And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? 
          What's he like?

                      SHREK
          Let me put it this way, Princess. Men 
          of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. 
          (he and Donkey laugh)

Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off 
the dust and grime.

                      DONKEY
          I don't know. There are those who think 
          little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: 
          Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're 
          just jealous you can never measure up 
          to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.


                      SHREK
          Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. 
          But I'll let you do the "measuring" 
          when you see him tomorrow.

                      FIONA
          (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? 
          It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop 
          to make camp?

                      SHREK
          No, that'll take longer. We can keep 
          going.

                      FIONA
          But there's robbers in the woods.

                      DONKEY
          Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting 
          to sound good.

                      SHREK
          Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything 
          we're going to see in this forest.


                      FIONA
          I need to find somewhere to camp now!


Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.


MOUNTAIN CLIFF

Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves 
a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.

                      SHREK
          Hey! Over here.

                      DONKEY
          Shrek, we can do better than that. I 
          don't think this is fit for a princess.

FIONA
No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
a few homey touches.

⎗
✓
                      SHREK
          Homey touches? Like what? (he hears 
          a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona 
          who has torn the bark off of a tree.)


                      FIONA
          A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee 
          good night. (goes into the cave and 
          puts the bark door up behind her)


                      DONKEY
          You want me to read you a bedtime story? 
          I will.

                      FIONA
          (os) I said good night!

Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the 
boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona 
still inside.

                      DONKEY
          Shrek, What are you doing?

                      SHREK
          (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, 
          come on. I was just kidding.

LATER THAT NIGHT

Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring 
up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations 
to Donkey.

                      SHREK
          And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, 
          the only ogre to ever spit over three 
          wheat fields.

                      DONKEY
          Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future 
          from these stars?

                      SHREK
          The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. 
          They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, 
          the Flatulent. You can guess what he's 
          famous for.

                      DONKEY
          I know you're making this up.

                      SHREK
          No, look. There he is, and there's the 
          group of hunters running away from his 
          stench.

                      DONKEY
          That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little 
          dots.

                      SHREK
          You know, Donkey, sometimes things are 
          more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.


                      DONKEY
          (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what 
          we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?


                      SHREK
          Our swamp?

                      DONKEY
          You know, when we're through rescuing 
          the princess.

                      SHREK
          We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's 
          no "our". There's just me and my swamp. 
          The first thing I'm gonna do is build 
          a ten-foot wall around my land.

                      DONKEY
          You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real 
          deep just now. You know what I think? 
          I think this whole wall thing is just 
          a way to keep somebody out.

                      SHREK
          No, do ya think?

                      DONKEY
          Are you hidin' something?

                      SHREK
          Never mind, Donkey.

                      DONKEY
          Oh, this is another one of those onion 
          things, isn't it?

                      SHREK
          No, this is one of those drop-it and 
          leave-it alone things.

                      DONKEY
          Why don't you want to talk about it?


                      SHREK
          Why do you want to talk about it?

                      DONKEY
          Why are you blocking?

                      SHREK
          I'm not blocking.

                      DONKEY
          Oh, yes, you are.

                      SHREK
          Donkey, I'm warning you.

                      DONKEY
          Who you trying to keep out?

                      SHREK
          Everyone! Okay?

                      DONKEY
          (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. 
          (grins)

At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to 
the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.

                      SHREK
          Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and 
          walks over to the edge of the cliff 
          and sits down)

                      DONKEY
          What's your problem? What you got against 
          the whole world anyway?

                      SHREK
          Look, I'm not the one with the problem, 
          okay? It's the world that seems to have 
          a problem with me. People take one look 
          at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, 
          stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before 
          they even know me. That's why I'm better 
          off alone.

                      DONKEY
          You know what? When we met, I didn't 
          think you was just a big, stupid, ugly 
          ogre.

                      SHREK
          Yeah, I know.

                      DONKEY
          So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?


                      SHREK
          Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small 
          and Annoying.

                      DONKEY
          Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny 
          one, right there. That one there?


Fiona puts the door back.

                      SHREK
          That's the moon.

                      DONKEY
          Oh, okay.

DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom

The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays 
in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic 
Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.

                      FARQUAAD
          Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, 
          show her to me. Show me the princess.


                      MIRROR
          Hmph.

The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.


                      FARQUAAD
          Ah. Perfect.

Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up 
to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly 
at her image in the mirror.

MORNING

⎗
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   Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey 
   who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes 
   across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along 
   with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles 
   to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too 
   big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but 
   she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona 
   is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still 
   sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking 
   in his sleep.

                         DONKEY
             (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like 
             it like that. Come on, baby. I said 
             I like it.

                         SHREK
             Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)

                         DONKEY
             Huh? What?

                         SHREK
             Wake up.

                         DONKEY
             What? (stretches and yawns)

                         FIONA
             Good morning. Hm, how do you like your 
             eggs?

                         DONKEY
             Oh, good morning, Princess!

   Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

                         SHREK
             What's all this about?

                         FIONA
             You know, we kind of got off to a bad 
             start yesterday. I wanted to make it 
             up to you. I mean, after all, you did 
             rescue me.

                         SHREK
             Uh, thanks.

   Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.

                         FIONA
             Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead 
             of us. (walks off)

   LATER

   They are once again on their way. They are walking through the 
   forest. Shrek belches.

                         DONKEY
             Shrek!

                         SHREK
             What? It's a compliment. Better out 
             than in, I always say. (laughs)

                         DONKEY
             Well, it's no way to behave in front 
             of a princess.

   Fiona belches

                         FIONA
             Thanks.

                         DONKEY
             She's as nasty as you are.

                         SHREK
             (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly 
             what I expected.

                         FIONA
             Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people 
             before you get to know them.

   She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly 
   from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into 
   a tree.

                         ROBIN HOOD
             La liberte! Hey!

                         SHREK
             Princess!

                         FIONA
             (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?


                         ROBIN HOOD
             Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! 
             And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses 
             up her arm while Fiona pulls back in 
             disgust)...beast.

                         SHREK
             Hey! That's my princess! Go find you 
             own!

                         ROBIN HOOD
             Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a 
             little busy here?

                         FIONA
             (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't 
             know who you think you are!

                         ROBIN HOOD
             Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please 
             let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. 
             (laughs)

   Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out 
   from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.

                         MERRY MEN
             Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

                         ROBIN HOOD
             I steal from the rich and give to the 
             needy.

                         MERRY MEN
             He takes a wee percentage,

                         ROBIN HOOD
             But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty 
             damsels, man, I'm good.

                         MERRY MEN
             What a guy, Monsieur Hood.

                         ROBIN HOOD
             Break it down. I like an honest fight 
             and a saucy little maid...

                         MERRY MEN
             What he's basically saying is he likes 
             to get...

                         ROBIN HOOD
             Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush 
             grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.


                         MERRY MEN
             That's bad.

                         ROBIN HOOD
             When a beauty's with a beast it makes 
             me awfully mad.

                         MERRY MEN
             He's mad, he's really, really mad.


                         ROBIN HOOD
             I'll take my blade and ram it through 
             your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 
             'cause I'm about to start...

   There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and 
   knocks Robin Hood unconscious.

                         FIONA
             Man, that was annoying!

   Shrek looks at her in admiration.

                         MERRY MAN
             Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at 
             Fiona but she ducks out of the way)


   The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to 
   get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.


   Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and 
   then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is 
   a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in 
   mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, 
   and Fiona begins walking away.

                         FIONA
             Uh, shall we?

                         SHREK
             Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins 
             walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, 
             whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come 
             from?

                         FIONA
             What?

                         SHREK
             That! Back there. That was amazing! 
             Where did you learn that?

                         FIONA
             Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, 
             uh, one has to learn these things in 
             case there's a...(gasps and points) 
             there's an arrow in your butt!

                         SHREK
             What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you 
             look at that? (he goes to pull it out 
             but flinches because it's tender)


                         FIONA
             Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so 
             sorry.

                         DONKEY
             (walking up) Why? What's wrong?

                         FIONA
             Shrek's hurt.

                         DONKEY
             Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, 
             Shrek's gonna die.

                         SHREK
             Donkey, I'm okay.

                         DONKEY
             You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm 
             too young for you to die. Keep you legs 
             elevated. Turn your head and cough. 
             Does anyone know the Heimlich?

                         FIONA
             Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help 
             Shrek, run into the woods and find me 
             a blue flower with red thorns.

                         DONKEY
             Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on 
             it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die 
             Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay 
             away from the light!

                         SHREK & FIONA
             Donkey!

                         DONKEY
             Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. 
             (runs off)

                         SHREK
             What are the flowers for?

                         FIONA
             (like it's obvious) For getting rid 
             of Donkey.

                         SHREK
             Ah.

                         FIONA
             Now you hold still, and I'll yank this 
             thing out. (gives the arrow a little 
             pull)

                         SHREK
             (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the 
             yankin'.

   As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and 
   Shrek keeps dodging her hands.

                         FIONA
             I'm sorry, but it has to come out.


                         SHREK
             No, it's tender.

                         FIONA
             Now, hold on.

                         SHREK
             What you're doing is the opposite of 
             help.

                         FIONA
             Don't move.

                         SHREK
             Look, time out.

                         FIONA
             Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his 
             hand over her face to stop her from 
             getting at the arrow) Okay. What do 
             you propose we do?

ELSEWHERE

   Donkey is still looking for the special flower.

                         DONKEY
             Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, 
             red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. 
             This would be so much easier if I wasn't 
             color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.


                         SHREK
             (os) Ow!

                         DONKEY
             Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a 
             flower off a nearby bush that just happens 
             to be a blue flower with red thorns)


   THE FOREST PATH

                         SHREK
             Ow! Not good.

                         FIONA
             Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. 
             (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just 
             about...

                         SHREK
             Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall 
             over with Fiona on top of him)

                         DONKEY
             Ahem.

                         SHREK
             (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing 
             happend. We were just, uh - -

                         DONKEY
             Look, if you wanted to be alone, all 
             you had to do was ask. Okay?

                         SHREK
             Oh, come on! That's the last thing on 
             my mind. The princess here was just- 
             - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he 
             turns to look at Fiona who holds up 
             the arrow with a smile) Ow!

                         DONKEY
             Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) 
             That's...is that blood?

   Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue 
   on their way.

   There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. 
   Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a 
   small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as 
   Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back 
   into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting 
   and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb 
   that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it 
   around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins 
   eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. 
   Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting 
   it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning 
   it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group 
   arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.

   WINDMILL

                         SHREK
             There it is, Princess. Your future awaits 
             you.

                         FIONA
             That's DuLoc?

                         DONKEY
             Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks 
             Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, 
             which I think means he has a really...(Shrek 
             steps on his hoof) Ow!

                         SHREK
             Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move 
             on.

                         FIONA
             Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried 
             about Donkey.

                         SHREK
             What?

                         FIONA
             I mean, look at him. He doesn't look 
             so good.

                         DONKEY
             What are you talking about? I'm fine.


                         FIONA
             (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's 
             what they always say, and then next 
             thing you know, you're on your back. 
             (pause) Dead.

                         SHREK
             You know, she's right. You look awful. 
             Do you want to sit down?

                         FIONA
             Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.


                         DONKEY
             I didn't want to say nothin', but I 
             got this twinge in my neck, and when 
             I turn my head like this, look, (turns 
             his neck in a very sharp way until his 
             head is completely sideways) Ow! See?


                         SHREK
             Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.


                         FIONA
             I'll get the firewood.

                         DONKEY
             Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't 
             feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) 
             I don't have any toes! I think I need 
             a hug.

   SUNSET

   Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while 
   Fiona eats.

E FIONA
Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
What is this?

⎗
✓
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                      SHREK
          Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.

                      FIONA
          No kidding. Well, this is delicious.


                      SHREK
          Well, they're also great in stews. Now, 
          I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean 
          weed rat stew. (chuckles)

Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.

                      FIONA
          I guess I'll be dining a little differently 
          tomorrow night.

                      SHREK
          Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp 
          sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff 
          for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare 
          - - you name it.

                      FIONA
          (smiles) I'd like that.

They smiles at each other.

                      SHREK
          Um, Princess?

                      FIONA
          Yes, Shrek?

                      SHREK
          I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) 
          Are you gonna eat that?

                      DONKEY
          (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? 
          Just look at that sunset.

                      FIONA
          (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's 
          late. I-It's very late.

                      SHREK
          What?

                      DONKEY
          Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on 
          here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't 
          you?

                      FIONA
          Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. 
          You know, I'd better go inside.

                      DONKEY
          Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to 
          be afraid of the dark, too, until - 
          - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of 
          the dark.

Shrek sighs

                      FIONA
          Good night.

                      SHREK
          Good night.

Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks 
at Shrek with a new eye.

                      DONKEY
          Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on 
          here.

                      SHREK
          Oh, what are you talkin' about?

                      DONKEY
          I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm 
          an animal, and I got instincts. And 
          I know you two were diggin' on each 
          other. I could feel it.

                      SHREK
          You're crazy. I'm just bringing her 
          back to Farquaad.

                      DONKEY
          Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell 
          the pheromones. Just go on in and tell 
          her how you feel.

                      SHREK
          I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, 
          even if I did tell her that, well, you 
          know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause 
          I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm 
          - -

                      DONKEY
          An ogre?

                      SHREK
          Yeah. An ogre.

                      DONKEY
          Hey, where you goin'?

                      SHREK
          To get... move firewood. (sighs)

Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already 
is.

TIME LAPSE

Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is 
nowhere to be seen.

                      DONKEY
          Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, 
          where are you? Princess?

Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.


                      DONKEY
          It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing 
          no games.

Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't 
look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking 
out.

                      DONKEY
          Aah!

                      FIONA
          Oh, no!

                      DONKEY
          No, help!

                      FIONA
          Shh!

                      DONKEY
          Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                      FIONA
          No, it's okay. It's okay.

                      DONKEY
          What did you do with the princess?


                      FIONA
          Donkey, I'm the princess.

                      DONKEY
          Aah!

                      FIONA
          It's me, in this body.

                      DONKEY
          Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to 
          her stomach) Can you hear me?

                      FIONA
          Donkey!

                      DONKEY
          (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, 
          keep breathing! I'll get you out of 
          there!

                      FIONA
          No!

                      DONKEY
          Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                      FIONA
          Shh.

                      DONKEY
          Shrek!

                      FIONA
          This is me.

Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets 
down.

                      DONKEY
          Princess? What happened to you? You're, 
          uh, uh, uh, different.

                      FIONA
          I'm ugly, okay?

                      DONKEY
          Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 
          'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a 
          bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. 
          Now - -

                      FIONA
          No. I - - I've been this way as long 
          as I can remember.

                      DONKEY
          What do you mean? Look, I ain't never 
          seen you like this before.

                      FIONA
          It only happens when sun goes down. 
          "By night one way, by day another. This 
          shall be the norm... until you find 
          true love's first kiss... and then take 
          love's true form."

                      DONKEY
          Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know 
          you wrote poetry.

                      FIONA
          It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little 
          girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every 
          night I become this. This horrible, 
          ugly beast! I was placed in a tower 
          to await the day my true love would 
          rescue me. That's why I have to marry 
          Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun 
          sets and he sees me like this. (begins 
          to cry)

                      DONKEY
          All right, all right. Calm down. Look, 
          it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. 
          Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. 
          But you only look like this at night. 
          Shrek's ugly 24-7.

                      FIONA
          But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this 
          is not how a princess is meant to look.


                      DONKEY
          Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry 
          Farquaad?

                      FIONA
          I have to. Only my true love's kiss 
          can break the spell.

                      DONKEY
          But, you know, um, you're kind of an 
          orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a 
          lot in common.

                      FIONA
          Shrek?

OUTSIDE

Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his 
hand.

                      SHREK
          (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's 
          it going, first of all? Good? Um, good 
          for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower 
          and thought of you because it's pretty 
          and - - well, I don't really like it, 
          but I thought you might like it 'cause 
          you're pretty. But I like you anyway. 
          I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. 
          Okay, here we go.

He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey 
and Fiona talking.

                      FIONA
          (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. 
          Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, 
          really, who can ever love a beast so 
          hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" 
          don't go together. That's why I can't 
          stay here with Shrek.

Shrek steps back in shock.

                      FIONA
          (os) My only chance to live happily 
          ever after is to marry my true love.


Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks 
away.

INSIDE

                      FIONA
          Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how 
          it has to be. It's the only way to break 
          the spell.

                      DONKEY
          You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.


                      FIONA
          No! You can't breathe a word. No one 
          must ever know.

                      DONKEY
          What's the point of being able to talk 
          if you gotta keep secrets?

                      FIONA
          Promise you won't tell. Promise!

                      DONKEY
          All right, all right. I won't tell him. 
          But you should. (goes outside) I just 
          know before this is over, I'm gonna 
          need a whole lot of serious therapy. 
          Look at my eye twitchin'.

Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks 
down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back 
inside the windmill.

MORNING

Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still 
awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.

                      FIONA
          I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, 
          I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly 
          runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! 
          Shrek, there's something I want...(she 
          looks and sees the rising sun, and as 
          the sun crests the sky she turns back 
          into a human.)

Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards 
her.

                      FIONA
          Shrek. Are you all right?

                      SHREK
          Perfect! Never been better.

                      FIONA
          I - - I don't - - There's something 
          I have to tell you.

                      SHREK
          You don't have to tell me anything, 
          Princess. I heard enough last night.


                      FIONA
          You heard what I said?

                      SHREK
          Every word.

                      FIONA
          I thought you'd understand.

                      SHREK
          Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who 
          could love a hideous, ugly beast?"


                      FIONA
          But I thought that wouldn't matter to 
          you.

                      SHREK
          Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at 
          him in shock. He looks past her and 
          spots a group approaching.) Ah, right 
          on time. Princess, I've brought you 
          a little something.

Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal 
sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only 
like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers 
march by.

                      DONKEY
          What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots 
          the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? 
          Couldn't have been the donkey.

                      FARQUAAD
          Princess Fiona.

                      SHREK
          As promised. Now hand it over.

                      FARQUAAD
          Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece 
          of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared 
          out, as agreed. Take it and go before 
          I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) 
          Forgive me, Princess, for startling 
          you, but you startled me, for I have 
          never seen such a radiant beauty before. 
          I'm Lord Farquaad.

                      FIONA
          Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad 
          snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, 
          for I was just saying a short... (Watches 
          as Farquaad is lifted off his horse 
          and set down in front of her. He comes 
          to her waist.) farewell.

                      FARQUAAD
          Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have 
          to waste good manners on the ogre. It's 
          not like it has feelings.

                      FIONA
          No, you're right. It doesn't.

Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.


                      FARQUAAD
          Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless 
          Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. 
          Will you be the perfect bride for the 
          perfect groom?

                      FIONA
          Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would 
          make - -

                      FARQUAAD
          (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start 
          the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

                      FIONA
          No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get 
          married today before the sun sets.


                      FARQUAAD
          Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. 
          The sooner, the better. There's so much 
          to do! There's the caterer, the cake, 
          the band, the guest list. Captain, round 
          up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona 
          on the back of his horse)

                      FIONA
          Fare-thee-well, ogre.

Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches 
them go.

                      DONKEY
          Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting 
          her get away.

                      SHREK
          Yeah? So what?

                      DONKEY
          Shrek, there's something about her you 
          don't know. Look, I talked to her last 
          night, She's - -

                      SHREK
          I know you talked to her last night. 
          You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if 
          you two are such good friends, why don't 
          you follow her home?

                      DONKEY
          Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

                      SHREK
          I told you, didn't I? You're not coming 
          home with me. I live alone! My swamp! 
          Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! 
          Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, 
          talking donkeys!

                      DONKEY
          But I thought - -

                      SHREK
          Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! 
          (stomps off)

                      DONKEY
          Shrek.

Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona 
being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running 
into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner 
alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.

SHREK'S HOME

Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes 
outside to investigate.

                      SHREK
          Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues 
          with what he's doing.) What are you 
          doing?

                      DONKEY
          I would think, of all people, you would 
          recognize a wall when you see one.


                      SHREK
          Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed 
          to go around my swamp, not through it.


                      DONKEY
          It is around your half. See that's your 
          half, and this is my half.

                      SHREK
          Oh! Your half. Hmm.

                      DONKEY
          Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. 
          I did half the work. I get half the 
          booty. Now hand me that big old rock, 
          the one that looks like your head.


                      SHREK
          Back off!

                      DONKEY
          No, you back off.

                      SHREK
          This is my swamp!

                      DONKEY
          Our swamp.

                      SHREK
          (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working 
          with) Let go, Donkey!

                      DONKEY
          You let go.

                      SHREK
          Stubborn jackass!

                      DONKEY
          Smelly ogre.

                      SHREK
          Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks 
          away)

                      DONKEY
          Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through 
          with you yet.

                      SHREK
          Well, I'm through with you.

                      DONKEY
          Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, 
          "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now 
          it's my turn! So you just shut up and 
          pay attention! You are mean to me. You 
          insult me and you don't appreciate anything 
          that I do! You're always pushing me 
          around or pushing me away.

                      SHREK
          Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so 
          bad, how come you came back?

                      DONKEY
          Because that's what friends do! They 
          forgive each other!

                      SHREK
          Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive 
          you... for stabbin' me in the back! 
          (goes into the outhouse and slams the 
          door)

                      DONKEY
          Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, 
          onion boy, you're afraid of your own 
          feelings.

                      SHREK
          (os) Go away!

                      DONKEY
          There you are , doing it again just 
          like you did to Fiona. All she ever 
          do was like you, maybe even love you.


                      SHREK
          (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a 
          hideous creature. I heard the two of 
          you talking.

                      DONKEY
          She wasn't talkin' about you. She was 
          talkin' about, uh, somebody else.


                      SHREK
          (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't 
          talking about me? Well, then who was 
          she talking about?

                      DONKEY
          Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. 
          You don't wanna listen to me. Right? 
          Right?

                      SHREK
          Donkey!

                      DONKEY
          No!

                      SHREK
          Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) 
          I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, 
          stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?


                      DONKEY
          Hey, that's what friends are for, right?


                      SHREK
          Right. Friends?

                      DONKEY
          Friends.

                      SHREK
          So, um, what did Fiona say about me?


                      DONKEY
          What are you asking me for? Why don't 
          you just go ask her?

                      SHREK
          The wedding! We'll never make it in 
          time.

                      DONKEY
          Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's 
          a will, there's a way and I have a way. 
          (whistles)

Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so 
they can climb on.

                      SHREK
          Donkey?

                      DONKEY
          I guess it's just my animal magnetism.


They both laugh.

                      SHREK
          Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a 
          noogie)

                      DONKEY
          All right, all right. Don't get all 
          slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All 
          right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't 
          had a chance to install the seat belts 
          yet.

They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.

DULOC - CHURCH

Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. 
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.


                      PRIEST
          People of DuLoc, we gather here today 
          to bear witness to the union....

                      FIONA
          (eyeing the setting sun) Um-

                      PRIEST
          ...of our new king...

                      FIONA
          Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead 
          to the "I do's"?

                      FARQUAAD
          (chuckles and then motions to the priest 
          to indulge Fiona) Go on.

COURTYARD

Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with 
a boom. The guards all take off running.

                      DONKEY
          (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. 
          If we need you, I'll whistle. How about 
          that? (she nods and goes after the guards) 
          Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You 
          wanna do this right, don't you?

                      SHREK
          (at the Church door) What are you talking 
          about?

                      DONKEY
          There's a line you gotta wait for. The 
          preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or 
          forever hold your peace." That's when 
          you say, "I object!"

                      SHREK
          I don't have time for this!

                      DONKEY
          Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen 
          to me! Look, you love this woman, don't 
          you?

                      SHREK
          Yes.

                      DONKEY
          You wanna hold her?

                      SHREK
          Yes.

                      DONKEY
          Please her?

                      SHREK
          Yes!

                      DONKEY
          (singing James Brown style) Then you 
          got to, got to try a little tenderness. 
          (normal) The chicks love that romantic 
          crap!

                      SHREK
          All right! Cut it out. When does this 
          guy say the line?

                      DONKEY
          We gotta check it out.

INSIDE CHURCH

As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the 
windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.

                      PRIEST
          And so, by the power vested in me...


Outside

                      SHREK
          What do you see?

                      DONKEY
          The whole town's in there.

Inside

                      PRIEST
          I now pronounce you husband and wife...


Outside

                      DONKEY
          They're at the altar.

Inside

                      PRIEST
          ...king and queen.

Outside

                      DONKEY
          Mother Fletcher! He already said it.


                      SHREK
          Oh, for the love of Pete!

He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.


INSIDE CHURCH

                      SHREK
          (running toward the alter) I object!


                      FIONA
          Shrek?

The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.

                      FARQUAAD
          Oh, now what does he want?

                      SHREK
          (to congregation as he reaches the front 
          of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' 
          a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first 
          of all. Very clean.

                      FIONA
          What are you doing here?

                      SHREK
          Really, it's rude enough being alive 
          when no one wants you, but showing up 
          uninvited to a wedding...

                      SHREK
          Fiona! I need to talk to you.

                      FIONA
          Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little 
          late for that, so if you'll excuse me 
          - -

                      SHREK
          But you can't marry him.

                      FIONA
          And why not?

                      SHREK
          Because- - Because he's just marring 
          you so he can be king.

                      FARQUAAD
          Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.


                      SHREK
          He's not your true love.

                      FIONA
          And what do you know about true love?


                      SHREK
          Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

                      FARQUAAD
          Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen 
          in love with the princess! Oh, good 
          Lord. (laughs)

The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The 
whole congregation laughs.

                      FARQUAAD
          An ogre and a princess!

                      FIONA
          Shrek, is this true?

                      FARQUAAD
          Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, 
          my love, we're but a kiss away from 
          our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! 
          (puckers his lips and leans toward her, 
          but she pulls back.)

                      FIONA
          (looking at the setting sun) "By night 
          one way, by day another." (to Shrek) 
          I wanted to show you before.

She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. 
She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.

                      SHREK
          Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona 
          smiles)

                      FARQUAAD
          Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! 
          I order you to get that out of my sight 
          now! Get them! Get them both!

The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights 
them.

                      SHREK
          No, no!

                      FIONA
          Shrek!

                      FARQUAAD
          This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This 
          marriage is binding, and that makes 
          me king! See? See?

                      FIONA
          No, let go of me! Shrek!

                      SHREK
          No!

                      FARQUAAD
          Don't just stand there, you morons.


                      SHREK
          Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

                      FARQUAAD
          I'll make you regret the day we met. 
          I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll 
          beg for death to save you!

                      FIONA
          No, Shrek!

                      FARQUAAD
          (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And 
          as for you, my wife...

                      SHREK
          Fiona!

                      FARQUAAD
          I'll have you locked back in that tower 
          for the rest of your days! I'm king!


Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.

                      FARQUAAD
          I will have order! I will have perfection! 
          I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon 
          show up and the dragon leans down and 
          eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!

                      DONKEY
          All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon 
          here, and I'm not afraid to use it. 
          (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on 
          the edge!

The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth 
and falls to the ground.

                      DONKEY
          Celebrity marriages. They never last, 
          do they?

The congregation cheers.

                      DONKEY
          Go ahead, Shrek.

                      SHREK
          Uh, Fiona?

                      FIONA
          Yes, Shrek?

                      SHREK
          I - - I love you.

                      FIONA
          Really?

                      SHREK
          Really, really.

                      FIONA
          (smiles) I love you too.

Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 
'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.


                      CONGREGATION
          Aawww!

Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted 
up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around 
her.

                      WHISPERS
          "Until you find true love's first kiss 
          and then take love's true form. Take 
          love's true form. Take love's true form."


Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell 
and then is slowly lowered to the ground.

                      SHREK
          (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are 
          you all right?

                      FIONA
          (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, 
          yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed 
          to be beautiful.

                      SHREK
          But you ARE beautiful.

They smile at each other.

                      DONKEY
          (chuckles) I was hoping this would be 
          a happy ending.

Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...

THE SWAMP

...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm 
a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek 
and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting 
carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet 
which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end 
up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet 
instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now 
has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona 
walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over 
singing the song.

                      GINGERBREAD MAN
          God bless us, every one.

                      DONKEY
          (as he's done singing and we fade to 
          black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't 
          breathe. I can't breathe.

THE END

i needaeon yaoi

Edit
Pub: 06 Oct 2024 20:42 UTC
Edit: 08 Oct 2024 00:10 UTC
Views: 955