summary

1. Title Improvisation & Self-Reflection

  • Jokes around potential titles (“Half. To. Pee.” → “I peed.”)
  • Pauses to wonder why they say random things
  • Admits “I think I need some counseling”

2. Drinking & Driving

  • Mentions taking “a bit of vodka” and joking about driving
  • Emphasizes “Driving sucks. Don’t do that.”

3. Social-Media Backlash

  • Frustrated by people “flaming permanently” on Twitter
  • Feels attacked for others’ behavior (“people attacking other stuff for me”)
  • Notes immaturity in how they themselves respond

4. Proof & Credibility Woes

  • Doesn’t want to share recordings—fears it’ll be called “edited” or “fake”
  • Feels like an “unreliable narrator” that nobody believes
  • Sees demands for “show proof” as naive

5. Regretted, Unfiltered Remarks

  • Acknowledges past racist-sounding comments were “zero meaning attached”
  • Clarifies they’re biracial and not genuinely racist
  • Distinguishes “dressing like a girl” from being trans; insists not transphobic
  • Admits dislike of yaoi and furries but insists that’s not hate of actual groups
  • Expresses frustration at out-of-context clips being used to label them

6. VTubing Contract & Financial Strain

  • Forced to delete all personal/social media and relinquish IRL jobs
  • Lived off savings, accrued debt, only modest debut bonus that was clawed back
  • Company restrictions on streaming, collabs, even voice only streams
  • Jealous of later members who received more promotion and support

7. Workplace Harassment & Accountability

  • Describes a colleague’s repeated bad behavior and management’s inaction
  • Feels guilt for having introduced that person to others who were hurt
  • Speculates the company “paid him off” to keep things quiet

8. Mixed Feelings About Fans

  • Loves most fans but “hates some of my fans”—specifically a fan named “Mond”
  • Finds ongoing arguments over trivial preferences exhausting

9. Emotional Toll & Mental Health

  • Recounts bursting into tears waiting to stream
  • Admits periods of depression and overwhelming stress
  • Reiterates “I think I need some counseling”

10. Final Moral & Call for Kindness

  • Pleads: “Don’t use the shit I’ve said or done to shit on other people.”
  • Encourages basic kindness (“most of the time you gotta be nice”)
  • Owns up to not being “a very nice person,” but says they’re “working on it.”

transcript

Half. To. Pee. yeah, yeah, That's a Good title.
Okay, team, I peed. Wait, hold on. Ready. Title: I peed. No comment, no comment, no comment. Why do we say stuff like this? Erm. I think, I think I have some issues. I think I need some counseling.
It's like when I say,
what's the thing? I drink, a bit of vodka, a diamond to drive. And nobody, nobody knows it's Eminem. And everybody's like, no, but don't, don't drive, don't jive, don't do that. That's such a bad idea. And I'm just like, Ah, I can't drive. I don't know how to drive.
I can't drive.
Driving sucks. Don't do that.
But I realized I was typing a long paragraph because I don't know. Every time I go on Twitter lately, I just see people fucking go like flaming permanently because of me and psych Bro, why do you why are you flaming because of me? I don't get it. I don't know. I feel like I'm I'm definitely probably 100% not mature enough to, like, address it in a proper way, probably, and I don't know, to be honest, I kind of never wanted to address it again, but, like, but I'm just so sick of people attacking other stuff for me, like, It's so dumb, like, I don't understand. Like, calling out somebody who's bad behavior does not equal you're, like, automatically taking someone else's side. You know what I mean? Like, I just don't understand where, where that thought process comes from. Like, okay, there's a fucking, like, murderer in a there's a murderer, okay? And you're like, Oh yeah, that murderer is bad, right? And they're like, what? So you're, you're against the death penalty, and you don't want bad people. Just, I don't know where I'm going with this, but the world is hilarious. It's just stupid to think, like, if you agree that a bad person is bad, that you're automatically like, agreeing with stuff someone else said, you know, I mean, does that make sense? I don't know if that makes sense. I don't know. It's just so frustrating for me to look at because I always see people who are like, Oh, just, just show proof. Just show proof. Oh, like, yeah, it's, it's truly that easy. And I don't know, the big thing for me is like, what people can think, whatever they want. People are gonna say whatever they want. If I do show proof. You know what I mean, like, they're just gonna go, oh, it's, it's recorded, or, sorry, it's, it's, like, edited, or it's fake, or you're clipping stuff out, or whatever, right? And I don't know, I personally, I just don't want to involve other people. You know what I mean? Like, I've talked with other people, like mentioned in the audio, and you know, it's always been like, don't, don't do it, don't do it. And like, who am I to say? Okay, well, maybe this would make people take my side or whatever, or make people believe what I'm saying. They might not. Not. It might not. You know what I mean? Like, obviously, I think if you are, like, level headed insane, like you can understand, right? But people who can't already understand with what is out there are just going to make excuses for it. You know what I mean? And I think everybody sees it as like, Oh, I'm making an excuse by refusing to show it. But like, I filled it to people who, like, need to see it. You know what I mean? Like, even though this is a whole big public thing, now, it wasn't meant to be like that. It's not supposed to be a whole big public thing. You know what I mean, like, of course, you know, I don't, I don't want to be perceived as a liar or just making up random accusations against people, but like, there's only so much that I can do. You know what I mean? There's only so much that I can do. I think, um, it's just, it's frustrating, bro, it's so frustrating. And I feel like, usually I don't care that much. I don't think it's that big of a deal. Like, yeah, it's upsetting. But I've kind of come to terms with the fact that, like, yeah, people, people aren't gonna believe me. They don't think I'm a reliable narrator, and that's okay, like, that's okay, I guess, but to use that and attack other people for it, it's just, it's just insane to me, like, I don't get it, I don't know. It's so insane. You know what? We need to do title. Hold on, we didn't do title. There we go, new title. But yeah, I'm so over it, but I feel like I don't know, I personally would not blame someone for somebody else's mistakes. So like, to me, it's kind of beyond ridiculous to be blaming others for like, mistakes that I've made, but in reality, like, how would they know? You know what I mean? Like, yeah, I said a lot of shit that I shouldn't have said and that I do regret, right? But I think a lot of people don't realize. I guess I think what people don't get is like, I say, um, like, in the whole day post, like, yeah, I don't really have those views. I don't actually have those views. And to them, it's like, well, if you don't have those views, why? Why would you say that? You know what I mean, and I guess I can understand where they're coming from. But I'm a person who says stuff without thinking there's like, I don't know. Like, when I said this stuff, like, there was just zero meaning attached the words, like, I'm just flaming the flame. You know what? I mean? I'm not thinking, like, in my head, oh, my god, I hate this guy because he's a certain race or whatever. Like, I'm just saying shit without, like, thinking about it. And I think people think if you, if you're like, that, you're automatically, like, super racist, right? But I don't know who, who goes out in public and, like, sees a person is like, Oh, you're you're like, bro, you're fucking white, you're Indian, you're whatever, right? Like, I don't know to me, that's like, actual racism, I guess, like, I don't know. Maybe it's not fair of myself, for for myself to say, like, Oh, I'm not actually racist. Because, like, I know, I know, I'm not actually a racist person, right? But it's probably kind of unfair to expect other people to feel the same. And I mean, I guess I don't really expect any other people to feel the same, but I wish people would stop bringing it up in like reference to others, because, like, I don't know me as like a person, like, I'm just a normal I'm a normal cat, like, I'm bad at English, but the world this story is, like, I don't go outside and care about, like, what race people are. I'm not talking to people 24/7, like, Oh my God, look at that fucking person. I fucking hate them because they're like, a certain race, or they're trans, or they're gay or whatever, like, that's just kind of, like, not normal. I don't know, like, I think a lot of people want to call me based, and I don't know. I mean, I feel like it's based doesn't mean anything. Based doesn't mean anything. I feel like, to me, based is, like, based in reality. And these people are like, Oh, you're, like, a mega racist. You're so based when I don't I don't know. I don't really think there's anything based about, like, hating other people for no reason. Like, don't get me wrong, I hate tons of people, right? But, like, not, not for, like, stupid. No reasons. You know what I mean. Like, the amount of people I see who are calling me, like, racist over like, the fucking DM leaks, right? Is insane to me. I will never apologize for this. Like I'm not. I'm definitely not helping my case here, but it's like me as a biracial person, I'm not allowed to say that every single black person I've met has been evil. I'm not saying all black people are evil. Obviously, that's not true. Like, I feel like that's common sense. If you take that from my message, I think you probably need to, like, read better. I don't know. I don't know what else to say. Like, sure, I'm exaggerating. Maybe not all of them are evil, right? But every person I have met has been absolutely insane. And that doesn't mean I hate all black people, like I'm literally I'm literally biracial. Obviously I don't hate black people, but I think people kind of miss that point. I don't know. I don't know how else to say it. Like, it's, it's just insane to me, because, like, if I say that, then I'm like, admitting I'm racist or something. Because, like, bad people can't be bad people. You know what I mean? Like, it the point of them being bad has nothing to do with their skin color, right? But it's like, these are, these are, these are my family members who are, like, terrible people, right? So, you know, of course, they, they, like, share a race, but it's not actually about, like, being black. You know what I mean? Does that make sense? I don't think I'm helping my case here. I don't think I'm helping my case here, but that's just like, the way I see it, like, I don't know if I see another fucking like, oh my god, she hates herself because she's black and she has like, trauma. Like, no, I don't, I really don't. Like, I was just born this way. There's not really, like, anything I can do about it, or anything I would like want to do about it. You know what I mean? Like, it's, it's just a race. It's, it's not that important. You know what I mean? Like, you know what? Actually, if I could do something about it, I'd be Japanese so that I could go to a maid cafe every day.
No comment, yeah, I'm definitely not helping. But okay, the moral story is, like, I don't know, I said a lot of bad shit that I regret, right? I feel like I okay. I don't feel like I did act in a lot of ways that I don't really agree with. And I don't know, does that make me a bad person? Or maybe, probably for some people, yeah, and like, that's okay, you can think I'm a bad person. Like, have whatever opinion you want about me. It's an opinion. But like, don't take it out on others. Is the moral of a story. Like, I don't know, I see so many people who use, like, the out of context clips and like, just misconstruing my words, and that doesn't make you right. Just because you can't understand something doesn't make you correct. It doesn't mean that whatever you think I'm saying is what I'm actually saying. Like I saw people saying that. I don't know there's this clip, and it was me seeing like, I don't, I don't think that people need a label to dress whatever way they want. And I'm genuinely not sure how people can see that as transphobia. Like, I really don't give a fuck if anybody's trans, like, be, be whatever you want. It's not my life. You can do whatever you want with your life, right? But I just don't think, like, if you just are a boy and you want to dress like a girl, like you don't have to be trans to do that like that doesn't make you trans. You just like dressing like a girl. So I even dressing like a girl, like you're just putting on a skirt, like, do that if you want, and if you're actually trans, then sure, whatever. But like they're, they're two different things, and I just don't, I'm not sure how people take that as me being transphobic. I guess, like, it just doesn't make sense to me. Man, I don't get it like we're not allowed to have like individuality anymore if I want to dress like a boy, like I should be able to like it doesn't make me trans, right? But I don't know. I just feel like they're separate topics, like dressing how you want and being trans, or, like, two, two different things. You know what I mean, like they're unrelated, right? Because, like, dressing if you're like a trans woman, dressing like a girl doesn't suddenly make you a trans woman, or doesn't not make you a trans woman. You know what I mean. And I feel like people, people don't understand
that. I don't get it.
I don't know. Also there was like, I don't know I complained it earlier. But like me inventing and exaggerating in private conversations, but like people don't have full context to about my personal life and experiences. Is not like a. Direct attack on people like, I am not directly attacking you as an individual. You know what I mean? Like me saying every black person I've met is evil, is not me, saying I hate all black people. Like, I don't hate all black people. That's not a personal attack on you or anybody or any other black person. I have people in my head when I say that, right? Because I'm saying people I've met people from my own experience in my own life, like it has nothing to do with others, right? It's all about me, like it's a private Convo. Like, obviously I'm I'm not going to say that on like, Twitter or whatever, because I don't want people to take that the wrong way. I don't even want to give people, like, a chance to be able to take it in the wrong way. You know what I mean, like, but I also don't think I'm a bad person for saying something like that or that. I hate myself because I said something like that. Like, no, I just can recognize when bad people are bad people, which is, like,
insane to me. It's, it's just
insane, absolutely insane to me. And I don't know, I feel like, also, I don't know I can realize that things I've said or like done are wrong, and I can express regret for them, while also, like, not changing my stance on things that I don't believe I was wrong for. Like, the amount of people who say, like, I walked back my apology, these are the same people who were, like, spreading my like, I don't remember what it's called, but like my stream, they were spreading my stream and saying, Don't watch it, don't watch it, and then giving their version of what happened, like on Twitter, like making like a, I don't know, like a tweet, like a TDLR, LDR, TLDR, making like a TLDR, of like, what happened in the stream, and saying, Don't watch it. Like, how are you gonna get information that's just, first off, not correct, not even verify it, and then continue to, like, spread that around while acting like you're the one who's in the right, like that just doesn't make sense to me. Like I, I really don't think that makes any sense. It just doesn't. It really just doesn't make any sense at all. You know what I mean? Like, I can't I can say anything. If I say I hate yaoi, I'm homophobic. No, I just I'm not attracted to men fucking. I'm just not. And the only reason I even brought it up match name is because it was something that was taken so so many times, and people were using it as like evidence that I like, hate gay people
like what
they're totally unrelated if you think two anime men fucking is the same as like, gay men, Ira, first off I do. I would think it's incredibly weird if you're like, looking at like, gay porn and you're like a woman like, I just think that's weird. Like, it feels very fetishy. I think it's just gross. But I mean, these are, it's like, the same type of people who think I'm like scum of the earth for hating yaoi, that thinks that like Lolly is like actual children, and that I'm like, an unironic pedophile and I should be in jail when, like, it's it's pretty common sense that, like, real children are like, if you're into that, you're disgusting, like you're actually disgusting. And I don't even think you should just be in jail, like you should, like, genuinely be, like, fucking hung, I don't know, firing squad or some shit, like, genuinely gross behavior. It's like, comparing me to that is like, like, you're, you're mentally ill. I don't know what else to say. I think you're genuinely mentally ill, and I think you, like, need help, like, unironically, in the kindest way possible, because I don't know, I don't want to be mean about it, right? Because, okay, well, I kind of do want to be, but I think that just stems from me being a generally mean person. But I just think if you have your own opinion, that's okay, but to come at me and say that I'm doing something absolutely disgusting and despicable, right? Because of your opinion, is where, like, the issue lies, like, don't, don't come at me for that stuff. You know what I mean? I just think it's too it's too much. You're doing too much. You're doing too much. It's too much. Okay? It's way too much. I don't get it. I don't get it. I hate it. I hate it. Don't call me. Don't call me that stuff. Okay? Real Children are children. They're literally tiny humans who don't have, like, fucking brains yet. Like, I don't know it's, it's gross. Like, I can't stand furries, right? I hate furries. I think it's gross, but it's like, you can be into whatever you're into. Furries are not real animals. If you're into real animals, I do think that you should be. Shot. I do think that, I think you should be shot, but like, there is a difference between, like, someone who's into furries and someone who's like, into actual animals. I feel like this has really devolved. This is really devolved, but it pisses me off so much again, because everybody says it, that's like the number one complaint I hear like, oh my god, she's a pedophile. She's a lolicon, as if it's just the worst thing on the planet. It's just so terrible, bro, It's so terrible. Also, they have other people who get upset about how I, like, refuse to apologize for, like, shitting on another feature in private. I'm sorry. I'm, I'm not sorry. I'm, I'm sorry that I'm not sorry. I think everybody has said shit in private about someone. Like, if you're saying you've never shit talk someone in private with your friends, you're just lying. You're just like, like, it's, it's just not true. It's just not true. Obviously, I would never say anything to this person. You know what? I mean? I'm not going to bully someone over something. I'm not going to bring it up. I'm not going to bring attention to it. I'm not going to like, say irell Or like say it publicly, right? Because I don't think me disliking someone, I don't even dislike her, but me like feeling a certain way about someone doesn't mean that I want people to attack them, right? Like, I just want to vent and should talk with my friends. You know what I mean?
God, I say, You know what I mean? So much.
Let them know this story is like, No, I don't think I'm in the wrong for being jealous of someone and complaining about to my friends. Like, of course I'm jealous that, you know, someone is getting paid tons and tons of money just to like, do, to stream, like, to be a YouTuber. Like, of course I would be jealous of that. Like, that's a pretty cool like, setup. That's a good job, right? You know what I mean? Like, I don't think, I don't think I'm wrong for that. Like, if I, if I targeted her or was like, mean to her in any way, yeah, I would agree. I would be shitty in that situation. And like, I should apologize, but just saying you don't like someone, or what they do in private, like, there's, I genuinely don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's just so insane. The amount of people who like claim that I'm a liar is so freaking frustrating. Bill, it's so frustrating. I can't I can't even describe it, because, like, what? Why am I a liar? Exactly like, I've not lied about a single thing, and yet all I see everywhere is that I'm I'm just like, what do you call it? Like a someone who like lies constantly. I don't know. I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means, like a compulsive liar or whatever. When, like, I have not lied about a single thing. I've said not a single thing, like, I don't know, maybe I think people don't understand that, when you have a job, certain people have different contracts, right? Sometimes you're able to, like, negotiate your contract as well, right? I mean, if you if you like, have enough full, if they want you enough. I was tiny. I had what 10k on YouTube. I I was not going to be able to negotiate anything, right? I was told that we need to focus on our new job. 100% quit any IRL jobs, right? Is this the case for every single member? Probably not 100% not. I literally, like, I know for certain that some people maybe they were told the same thing, and they were like, actually, no, no, my IRL, job is more important, right? And I'm sure some people weren't even told that at all. You know what I mean. I think it just, it just depends, like, wave, the wave, probably, I don't know. I obviously don't know what everybody else had, but I know what I was told. You know what was requested of me, but I had to do to fulfill my contract, right? Which is, like, I don't know, like, I was told to delete my entire online everything, like social media, like personal social media, which I understand, like boxing or whatever, and like any vtubing stuff too, right? And I was like, okay, and I deleted all my stuff. The one thing I didn't delete is my YouTube channel. Because I was like, Okay, this is, this is, like, my channel, like, I have, I have a lot of stuff I'm really proud of on here. Know what I mean? I don't want to get rid of it, right? So I just privated everything, and I like, remove my profile picture. And I was, like, inactive, right? Because I don't know, I don't, I don't want to delete all my hard work, right? I. Like, hundreds of videos on there. You know what I mean? I don't know. Apparently it makes me a liar when I say, like, I was told to do that, and I did do that through a degree, through a degree, but I guess they just didn't care enough to to talk or confront me about it, right? I only even un private everything, because I realized, like, literally, almost everybody else has their stuff up, right? Everybody else still has their old channels, and a lot of them are streaming or making music or collabing or whatever, which, you know, I'm told we're not allowed to do like you're I what I'm told as you're not allowed to stream in any form, whether you're using a model or not, whether you're IRL, you're not allowed to do that at all. It can't even It can't even just be your voice. You can't even show up on someone's stream using just your voice. This is what I'm told, right? Which I mean, if you, if you look at stuff, right? I can see why people think I'm lying, because other people do it all the time, but, like, I know for a fact, right? Even in I think, December or January, I ended up having to back out of a collab because I was under the impression that, Oh, everybody else is doing this, so it must be okay. And I was going to do a club, and, you know, I get, I get told, once, like the announcement goes out, that actually you're not, you're not allowed to do this at all. And I'm like, but I thought, if you're not using a vtuber model, it's okay. No, no, anything, even your voice isn't okay. You cannot perform like, what do you call it? You can't do like an eye roll event. Imagine I, I'm Taylor Swift, okay, I'm a satellite Taylor Swift. I'm not allowed to do any more concerts. I will. Or if I'm like a cosplayer, I'm not allowed to go to a convention and perform. I'm not allowed to do any of that dancing, idol stuff, singing anything. I'm not allowed to do any of that, and maybe that wasn't the case for other people, but I know it was the case for me, so I don't know. It's frustrating to hear people say that I'm lying over it, when that's what I was told, right? That's why I had to back out of the club, because, you know, I'm not allowed, I'm told I'm not allowed, which is really frustrating, right? Because, like, I I know I'm not lying. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to prove that you know what I mean, even if I know it is objective reality, people are going to be like, Oh,
maybe not, maybe not, maybe not,
which is just so
it's so frustrating. I don't know. I see people saying like, that I'm 100% lying about, like, how much money I make or whatever, but like, I just don't know where I'm lying about that. Like, I don't know from the time I got the job and deleted my socials to the time I actually debuted, I had made like, $100 across that entire time, over half a year, right? I literally entirely ate through my savings just because I had no money. I had no way to make any money. And I was like, Okay, I'm I'm screwed. I was good. Because sadly, unlike role play, I am, unfortunately an adult who has to live on my own. And I kind of, I kind of need money to do that. I kind of need money to pay my rent and to eat food like there. There's just some things you gotta do. You know what I mean. So it's kind of frustrating, and it's pretty frustrating, honestly, and I don't know I remember, originally I I was told that I had to get, like, a huge bonus, right? Once, once I actually debuted, and I could spend it on anything I remember that was made very clear it could be on anything, literally anything. And instead, it went to paying off my debt for some this part really upsets me, especially because originally, I was told everything we're paying for is out of pocket, um, so I set aside $2,000 and I was like, Okay, this is my budget, and this is, this is what I'm gonna go With, right? And then maybe a few months later, I found out, actually the company is going to pay for it and we're going to pay them back. And then I was like, okay, okay, I guess, I guess that's, that's the thing, right? And stuff kept getting pushed back and pushed back, and we kept getting told to do more stuff, just keep doing more stuff. And we're under the impression like, Oh, we're gonna make this money back, right? And it's a lot easier said than done. But you know, you commission all this stuff, like a bunch of assets to stream and emotes and song cover. Is in a bunch of projects, right? A lot of projects that I'm gonna sad about, that I wasn't even able to like properly share, because, you know, a lot of stuff like, I guess, when you're working with a company, a lot of stuff is kind of accepted at one point and then gets shut down in the next, I guess, is the best way is the best way to put it, maybe
best way to put it.
But it's just so
frustrating. It's just so frustrating because, like,
I don't know. I feel like,
Is it their fault? I mean,
I guess not, right? Like I could have set my foot down and and been like, No, I'm not going to spend this amount. But I do think that
we, we should, like, things should have
been properly explained to us, so that we were better prepared, in my opinion, right? Because I had no idea I was misled about tons of things. And like, I'm still, like, it's just upsetting, right? Because, like, you know you can't just tell someone, like, you have to quit your job, you can't make any money, except for here, and then also say, um, we're gonna cover this stuff. We're going to cover all these expenses for you, and you can pay us back slowly, bit by bit. And then what they meant by slowly is actually that we're going to take 90% of your paycheck and any bonuses you get, and they're all going to go to paying paying us back when, I don't know, I just think that's unfair, like they don't really spend any money on us. I think it's kind of frustrating, right? The only expenses they have is, like buying in the models, and that's that's kind of nothing compared to everything else, like we're expected to pay for everything, like all of our assets, all of our promotion, any projects you want to do, you have to cover it. I just, I don't, I don't really get it. And then kind of people are, people are going to get mad over this, but yeah, it is really hurtful when you debut and you, you're not given anything by the company, and then you see every everybody who debuts after you getting so much more like they're getting tons of promotion, tons of stuff. Like, yeah, that's that's kind of hurtful. It's like, Why? Why am I here? If we're not what you wanted? Why are we here? Why did you hire us? Like, if I can't sing or speak Japanese or whatever, why? Why am I here? You know what I mean, why not just get somebody who sings and speaks Japanese if that's what you wanted, if that was the only thing you wanted to like, promote. I think my Honestly, my real question is like, Why hire me and not just hire a guy? Like is the real question mark. Question mark. Question Mark I had like, if I just don't get it, if you're not really a fan of me or what I do, even though you're 100% aware. I say it all the time. I'm insanely open about it. It takes literally one look at my channel to, like, know what I'm all about. I say it in my interview, and you like, it's encouraged, right? It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do this, do this, do this. And then suddenly, you know, I actually get hired, and it's like, bad, it's like a bad thing. I don't get it, I don't get it. I don't get it. Why not just be honest with me from the start, seriously, there's like, one, it's like, one thing, I don't know. It's one thing.
It's seriously one thing.
It is one thing. I guess
I just don't understand. Because, like,
I don't know, you know, what you're interested in? You know, I don't fit that. My opinion of everything was like, Oh, well, this, this is the company that's supposed to have everybody, like, it's, it's supposed to be, like, celebrating everybody's differences, right? Like you're, you're supposed to be who you are. You can be true to who you are here, and you can do unusual content and do unusual things. And maybe that was kind of where I lost a plot, because I didn't really look at the en side of things. I only knew the JP side. So I was like, okay, they're really accepting of this. So it's, it's fine, but then it's not, it's not, which is kind of crazy to me, like it's just, so I don't know, I just, it feels like, yeah, of course, of course, I'm upset. Like, I don't know it's, it's kind of like a lose, lose in there. Know, right? I'm like, encouraged to get myself in all of this debt, and it took me forever to pay off. I can barely pay my rent, I can barely eat food, like we're barely getting promoted, and we're completely ignored because our numbers just aren't the best. And I'm instantly hated by like everybody, like antis, fans, like constantly, not even just me. All of us are just getting shit on we're told we don't work hard enough that we should be trying harder, constantly, constantly, and because we don't reach a certain minimum of like popularity, it's because we're not working hard enough. How does that make sense? Just because we're not super popular doesn't mean we didn't work hard like we did literally everything, literally everything that we could. And constantly, all of our ideas are getting turned down we want to do something. It's always no because we're not popular enough. We can't do anything we actually want to do. And because of that, we just aren't trying hard enough. We're not constantly releasing song covers and doing lots of content because we don't have any don't have any money for it, like we're not making any money, so we can't actually do the things we want to do. And when there is something we want to do, we're told, though, by the company, so we're just seen as, like, lazy. I'm not, like, it's just hurtful. Like, it's genuinely hurtful. Like, I don't know. I feel like it's permanently, it's just negative. Like, it feels kind of weird to go from an environment like that, where everything you do is just not good enough to, I don't know, like now, where I do anything and you guys are like, Oh, my God, you're the best. You You worked so hard. I am, like, recording. And I'm like, Oh, this is so bad. This is the worst thing on the planet. I suck so bad. And you guys are like, Oh, it's actually peak. It's peak, it's peak. It's so good. It's peak, it's peak. And I'm like, that's not really true. I tried my best, but it's still bad. But you know, you're, you're nice about it, you're nice about it.
So that's nice.
You're, you're, you're good at lying to me, but, I mean,
I don't know that's what like
makes you kind of improve, right? Like, if you're doing something and you're just constantly told, Oh, you're freaking terrible. Like, it's kind of hard to keep going, I think, like, I don't know, maybe it's you, you lose the motivation, which I I don't even think I ever really felt that. Like, I think I was, I don't know, doing everything to happen. I was kind of sad, but
I was like sad, but I
didn't really lose the motivation. I guess. I think my loss of motivation mainly come from, like, everything that happened, like just, I don't know. The biggest issue for me was like, everybody is aware of something. Everybody is aware and it's to the point where, like, You're warning new members about a person, and management refuses to step in. Like, if it's to the point of you have to warn people about something. And I kind of feel bad, because I think our wave was the only one who wasn't really told of this stuff. And I know a lot of people kind of felt regret over that, and I kind of feel bad like for them, because I don't know. I think a lot of people probably have the like, What could I have done? What could I have done better in their situation, to make things not end up the way that they did? And I don't know, I don't want anyone to blame themselves, I guess is kind of the point, because, like, ultimately, it's, it's ultimately, like, my fault, I think, I mean, not entirely my fault. But there were, there were two people who who fucked up, and I was one of them. And like, yeah, I regret that. I think it's kind of hard to, like, I don't know just know that, like, you ruined everything. And I mean, it would have happened regardless, but, like, it was just a matter of time. But I'm, I'm really upset that I was the one who kind of fucked everything up, because I remember, like
we were when I,
when I brought it up with management, and when I talked with other members about it, it was always like, there's, there's too many people involved. At some point this is gonna get out, and when it when it does get out, we're gonna look terrible, and I don't know what we're gonna do from that point. And that was something we like kept saying to management pretty much, and kept being like, you know, we need to. So we need to address this now before, before something like happens, because I don't. I don't want to, like, get fucking I don't want to be a person who's in the situation of, like, Oh, you were, you were, like, hiding a predator. Like I don't. I don't want to be in that situation. And I don't know, just I think the stress of that kind of made me go, like, I was gonna say low key, insane, but honestly, it just kind of made me go insane, because it's like that, and then I feel guilty because, like, a lot of the people that this happened to, like, I'm the one who introduced them, and I, you know, like, I could have just not introduce them, right? Like, that's kind of my fault. Like I'm the one who who thought he was okay, and I thought we were friends, and I thought things would be fine, and you know that, like, they had to get along, and I kind of like set them up for that. So it's like, I feel, I feel like a bitch, honestly, like I feel like it's my fault, which is kind of, it's just upsetting because, like, I don't, you don't want to be the person who causes something traumatic for somebody else, right?
Like, that's kind of,
kind of hurtful,
kind of hurtful for you and like other people, but
it's kind of, it's kind of just sad. It's kind of just sad. I don't know. I'm just upset over it, but yeah, just all of that at the same time, I felt like I, I kind of felt like I couldn't even like stream. Like, I mean, I did anyways, but a lot of the time I was just like, depressed. Like, I remember one stream I was just sitting there waiting, waiting for the student to start and not to be, not to be dramatic over it. Okay, this is, this is just me, like, venting because I don't, I don't think it was that big of a deal, but when I look back on it, like I I feel sad about it because I wanted to, like, spend more time together and do things and like, I wasn't able to do it, but I don't know I was, I was like, on the waiting room for a stream, and I think we're sitting on it for like, 10 minutes, and I just couldn't do anything because I was just bawling my eyes out for like, no reason. Well, not no reason, but, like, nothing,
nothing happened
during that point, I guess, like, nothing directly set it off, but it was just kind of the stress from everything, and I'm just losing my mind over it. And it's like even stuff like recording voice packs, like I felt like, how am I supposed to do this? Like, how, how am I supposed to do this? I don't get it.
I don't get it.
And just makes me sad because, like, I don't know I'm wasting I'm wasting everybody's time. I guess, like, people, people wrote a script for me, and I know my fans expected to like, see me doing this stuff, and I wasn't able to, like, hold up my end of the deal for it. So I feel kind of shitty about that. And honestly, I feel the same way for for, like, kind of just killing my wave. Honestly, like,
honestly, they're,
they're doing better now, and like that makes me happy to see. But I feel, I feel bad about all the projects that, like we planned or that we did, that, you know, they won't be able to, like show and just, I don't know, kind of not even kind of just like ruining everything, like, I know that they'll say, like, It's not my fault, right? But it definitely is my fault. I could have just shut the up. I could have just shut the up and dealt with that. And just like,
I don't know, laid
low for two years until I could leave and try to get over it. But I'm too I don't know the Lord, I can't shut the fuck up. I literally, I can't shut the fuck up. Like, when I see something that I don't think is okay, I lose my mind, like I feel I feel guilty, like I don't. I genuinely don't know if I could have shut the up for two years and like, just not said anything in the coped and hoped for the best and hope that things
would change.
Because I don't know. I don't think that they would change honestly. I don't think that things would really get better. I think that they'd probably just stagnate and stay the same, and that. But as long as everything looks okay on the outside, that's all that matters. Is like the goal, like nobody, if nobody knows, then, like, nothing's going on. You know what? I mean, nothing's wrong. Like, if nobody is aware of it, nothing is actually happening. Is like the mindset, I think, and it, I don't know. I kind of feel frustrated at the same time because, like, I don't want to say it, because, like, it's gonna make me seem like a bitch, and I don't want to make it seem like I'm expecting this. But anybody, anybody could say anything, everybody knows the objective truth, right? Everybody who works there knows they've experienced it firsthand. Everybody knows anybody could say anything, anybody anybody could do anything. We could, I don't know, work together and bring it to management and try and do something, but it's easier to just ignore stuff than to, like, try and do anything about it. I don't want it to come off in like a
I think it's kind of like
a terrible situation all around because, like, you don't want to lose your job, you don't want to ruin your prospects for something, right? I don't think that's a fair request to put on anyone. So I don't want to make it seem like I expect that, right? Because I think that's that would be, like, shitty of me, like, this is somebody else's life. They don't need to, like, hurt their own life, right? For me, or for anybody else, or to do what, like, I believe is the right thing. You know what I mean. I think that would be pretty shitty, on my point, on my part, like it's just not it's too much to expect from anybody, I guess is the best way to put it, like it's way too much to expect.
You can't just
expect someone to
hurt themselves, because it would help you out, right? But I don't know. I think I can still feel like sad over it, I guess, and I probably will feel sad of it, but
it's kind of
kind of upsetting. I guess
it's kind of upsetting is, like, the world of story, yeah, like,
I don't know. I just want to. I just
hate being seen as a liar, I guess is kind of the thing, I don't think.
I don't think it's like,
I don't know. I don't think any anybody's wrong for it, right doing or not doing something. I don't think anything's wrong because, I mean, it would be kind of, what's the word, like, hypocritical if I said that, right? Because I didn't directly come out and be like, hey, this, this person's doing this stuff, right? Like, it kind of all happened when I didn't want it to happen, um, and I kind of avoided it for a while because, you know, I'm I'm thinking of myself. I'm thinking of my friends, I'm trying to not fuck everything up, right? And that, for some people, would be like this selfish decision of not telling everybody. And I guess I don't know. I guess it is, depending on how you look at it, because I think I don't know. A lot of people think I'm selfish, even just for, even just for saying it right, they think I'm upset for no reason and I'm, like, targeting him for no reason or whatever. Which, why? Like, why would I do that? Genuinely? That's what I don't understand. Like, to me, we, we were friends, um, and everything just kind of reached like a breaking point, which was not, obviously not what I wanted to happen. Like you don't just suddenly start hating someone, and I don't know it's not I don't even hate him. I just think some behavior needs to be like, addressed, I guess is the thing like, of course, it's kind of, I don't know my my issue with it is that, um, what do you call it? My issue is that every single time that he has been confronted is he never changes his mind, or He always plays the victim, I guess is the best way to put it. It's like, yeah, this happened, but it wasn't. It wasn't like that. You know, it wasn't like that. Or, you know, when talking to other members. Were told, like it just so happened to leave parts out right, and it's,
it's all very,
I think performative, like he knows what he's doing is wrong, but he doesn't want to get caught for it. It's like the main issue, I guess, like, if he was totally because when it first happened, I was like, it's fine, um, you know, I spoke to him about it, he said he'd try and do better. And I He's my friend. I want to believe in Him, you know? And then it happens again, and then it happens again, and I'm like, okay, like, it's a pattern. Every single person he knows, that I know and I've spoken to all has the same exact thing to say, nearly the same exact experience, without me even saying anything. Like, how does that? What else am I supposed to believe? You know what I mean. Like, he can say that he's trying to improve himself, but when it's been ongoing for years and years and years, everybody is aware of it, like there's not really anything else you can say. You know what? I mean, even like,
I truly think I
probably shouldn't say it, but I do think the only reason that he left like he did, and that he hasn't said anything is probably because he got paid off. Obviously, this is, this is speculation, okay, 100% speculation on my part. Um, so don't like to treat that as fact. This is just my opinion, right? Because, first off, if somebody is accusing you of something like this, right? If somebody is accusing you of, like, sexual harassment, you're not gonna just let it happen, right? Like, I would be defending myself, like, that's not true, like, 100% that's not true. And I mean, he knows it's true, the company knows it's true, so they kind of have one other option, right, which is getting him to shut the fuck up, right? We've kind of burned that bridge with me. I do think that it's kind of like, see, like I'll keep talking shit, because I truly believe they just don't want to piss me off based on my interactions with them and what has happened. I think that they just don't want to risk me saying anything or, like, I don't know, just kind of proving what I'm saying. Because right now, it's like, reasonable doubt, right? And I don't think there would ever come point. I don't think there could be any corner that I would be pushed into where I would end up, like, actually, like, posting the full, like proof of all of his behavior, right? But I think that would only come if the other people mentioned were okay with it, and I don't, I don't think that's something that's going to happen. I guess, like, that's, that's the OP part. I realized all you, if you're, if you're a vtuber and you want to harass girls and get away with it. First off, be a corporal vtuber, because you're not going to be held accountable. And second only, go after other corporate vtubers, because what are they going to say? Most of vtubing for women, at least, is built on like GFE or whatever. So if, if these girls who are kind of pandering to a certain audience are suddenly like, Hey, I was talking to this guy, and he ended up doing a lot of stuff to me. How, like, how are their fans gonna take that? Like, they're not gonna wanna risk that, you know what I mean. So that's kind of like a lose, lose scenario.
But I mean, I guess
it varies from person to person. Probably,
who knows?
It's just such a frustrating situation, because why does it take? Why am I such an unreliable witness? How come everything I say means nothing? I'm just not believable. It just it does. Doesn't make sense to me. Sure, I've said bad shit, that doesn't mean that bad things have not happened to me. Like that doesn't make me a liar just because somebody thinks that they know better about my job than I do, right? Because, certainly, everybody has read the contracts and has all these intricacies, right? Every leak is fake unless it's one of mine, and then only the stuff in that leak that makes sense to them is correct. And if it doesn't, I'm lying, because I'm totally like, setting up all of my private messages and calls to be lying about stuff, right? I'm like thinking ahead of time, like, okay, when this gets leaked, I want, I want this to be said 100% okay.
Nobody, nobody does that.
We've seen these mistakes are made. What was I complaining about? I don't know what I was complaining about.
And. Something
I don't the amount of people who are like, Oh my god, she hates her fans. You know what? To be honest, I do. I hate some of my fans. Some of them like, who's a good example, like Mond. I hate Mond. I do. I do. Hate Mond. I do with my with my whole heart, but only, only some of them, okay, only like a few, only a few. I love most of them, except for Monde. I'm not sorry. I hate you, Mond, Man, I'm really not helping my case. I'm really not helping but I don't know. I can't help it. I can't help it. I can't lie and be like, Oh, I love all of my fans. I love mond so much. Well, I guess he doesn't even count as a fan because he's a cheater. Yeah, fuck you Mond. But it doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't count. Okay? It's very different. It's very different. Okay? I mean, maybe, maybe, who knows? I personally, you know, actually, I won't say it because I don't, I don't think I've already said enough speculation. It's probably not the best, probably not the best thing to say, right? But
who knows? Who knows? I think
hopefully, um, hopefully it doesn't happen again, right? But I think that it makes it worse. Um, I just think it makes it worse, because suddenly you have all this freedom you can do and say whatever you want, like, if that's what you're saying on your company account, what are you saying on your private account? Is my thought process of stuff like, and I don't know, maybe he, he truly is trying to change and be better and not do stuff like that again. And I hope that's the case. I hope that when he says he he wants to, like improve himself, that he's telling the truth. But from my experience with him and him saying that over and over again, and literally years back, saying I'm gonna do better, and then continuing to not only not do better, but to do worse is like,
I don't know if I can believe it,
but yeah, obviously I hope that it's true. I don't think anybody should have to, like, deal with that type of stuff, but it's just unfortunate, just unlucky, unlucky. Okay, also, don't say that you wish phase connect took me never say that. No Phase Connect. Yeah, I feel like phase connect fans are the like, oh my god, so based, so So based people. And I'm notreally a fan of that stuff. I'm a fan of saying what I want, because I want to say it, not saying something to be like, Oh my god, so So based. I'm sorry, it cuts out, but I hope you can hear it. Nicole, don't, don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. It's okay. I don't, I don't, um,
I'm not like upset or anything.
You can be around whenever you want. You cannot be around them, to be fair. I'm not even really streaming lately, so there's nothing to miss. Okay, okay, but you gotta book your calendar for October 24 Yeah,
and then we can spend time together again.
But I hope that, I hope that life gets better for you. I know stuff is super shitty. No, don't say, don't say that you're that you're not a face that I want to see. Don't say that. I don't,
to be honest, the only fan that I hate is mond
like, I can't think of anything else. Like, of course, some people annoy me. Some people annoy me. We're arguing in the discord every day over stupid stuff, like how I want to be a fat cat and they want me to be a tall cat. But you know, it's all it's all jokes, it's all memes. I don't actually hate anyone except for Mond. I hate month. I do hate month, don't forget, but I love you. I don't want you to feel bad at all. Okay. I don't want you to feel bad if you if you can't catch a stream or anything. It's okay. It's okay. I know people have stuff going on in life, right? People are busy. See, people have things to do. You can't constantly be around 24/7, so don't, don't take it. Don't think that, like that upsets me or anything, I guess is the best way is the best way to say it. Yeah, don't think that I'm hurt. Twitter is doomed. Butter is doing bear, I hate you too. Sometimes, sometimes I hate you, not all the time. Sometimes you're tolerable, but
sometimes I hate you, yeah,
it's not all the time. I
This is a twitter space that Well, I mean, to be fair, I've ranted, oh, I needed to rant, so I'll end here so that I can go chug water and mayhaps, If I can't sleep, like most clients do a karaoke stream later, also because I was working on a model and I got distracted. So yeah, I should probably get back to that. But thank you for listening to me that. I guess the moral of the story, I got off topic, and it was a rant. It wasn't even a vent. It was a rant. Okay? But the moral of the story is, like, don't use the shit I've said or done to, like, shit on other people. Like, that's not looking we gotta be normal. We gotta be nice people. I'm not a very nice person, but I'm working on it. Okay? We need to, like, be kind. Yeah, kindness is cool, maybe, maybe sometimes it's okay to be mean, but most of the time you just gotta be nice, okay, most of the time you gotta be nice, okay, so keep, keep that in mind, okay, yeah.
And I guess because I'm a nice person,
kind of, kind of nice person, I'm a nice person, I swear, maybe a little bit, tiny bit,
forget. I said
that. Forget. I said that.

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Pub: 04 Aug 2025 10:06 UTC

Edit: 04 Aug 2025 10:13 UTC

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