Boondocks: Suburban edition
The title card for the skit comes on the screen in the background some is saying “but there already in the suburbs” followed by a audio clip of the “SHUT THE FUCK UP” part from one of a kind by atmosphere it slowly transitions down into Huey (or Hugh) room Hugh has a leather jacket and a white Mohawk he is currently trashing his room
Hugh: “dumb fucking bitch who the hell does she think she is?!”
Hugh: grabs a lampshade “this is some” throws the lampshade somewhere that causes a lot of noise and damage while Hugh is screaming “bullshit”
Just then Riley (now Rufus) walks in he’s dressed like a Deep South white dude and has a receding hairline
Rufus: “dang nab it Hugh what’s with all that racket I’m trying to watch the USA Network and I can’t do that when you acting like an autistic kid at pump it up”
Hugh: “it’s Jessica I gave that bitch the best 3 months of my life and she decides to FUCK ME”
Rufus: “Christ almighty Hugh what could a lady do that somehow worse then mail in ballots or North Carolina BBQ?”
Hugh: sighs “me and Jessica where getting really into pop punk so I thought for a date we’d go to see the 5 seconds of summer reunion show and when I showed that BITCH the tickets she said she couldn’t go so now I wasted all this money and I have nothing but these god damn 5SOS tickets to show for it”
Rufus: “man I’m not gonna sugar coat it I think you fucked up”
Hugh: “ugh I know I know”
Rufus: “man relax Hugh it ain’t your fault. Society has a problem with straight men, trying to find a positive male role model”
Just then Grandad (now just there dad) walks in he looks like a normal 50s dad although he does look a little faggy
Dad: “hey kids how’s it going?”
Rufus & Hugh: “DAD SHUT THE FUCK UP”
Dad: “o-oh ok…” walks out of the room head down and defeated
Hugh: “god I can’t take this shit right now I’m gonna walk around with a backpack and a skateboard while blasting the killers on my iPhone”
Hugh walks around middle America (think higher end gas stations, strip malls etc) until he happens upon a Italian restaurant
Cashier: “good evening sir would you like to take a look at our specials”
Hugh:”I’m white”
Cashier: “oh ok pizza or spaghetti?”
Hugh: “Pizza”
Just then someone kicks over the door from the kitchen and out comes uncle ruckus (now cousin Joey) who basically just looks like Joey Calabrese
Cousin Joey:”hey hey hey Hugh” the studio audience is cheering and going wild
Hugh: sigh “hi cousin Joey”
Joey: “ay what’s da matter kid you look more upset then usual to see me”
Hugh: “it’s a long story”
Cut and pan down to Hugh and Joey sitting down in a booth table with mostly eaten pizza
Hugh: “and now I have two tickets worth 160 dollars and nothing to show for it”
Joey: “dems the breaks kid when I was a young Gambino like yourself I was dating this one chick from queens, and she keeps telling me how annoying her little brother is. So one day I decided to do something nice for her and bash his brains out with a lead pipe next thing I know this girl’s crying all ova the place I’m doing 30 years in a New Jersey prison”
Hugh: “I don’t think…I don’t think that’s the issue I’m having”
Joey: “yeah will cheer up because I have a plan”
Hugh: “really?”
Joey: “yeah ya see all we haveta do here is resell those tickets on the internet and since there pretty good tickets we can quadruple the price and split it 50/50”
Hugh: “that’s…actually a pretty good idea. Th-thank you man”
Joey: “don’t sweat it Hugh now stop mopping around and get your white ass out of the store I got some business to take care of
Cut to a and a bunch of recolorers of Joey standing around an old boob tube Joey slowly, but not to slowly, walks up to it and puts a vhs tape into it. Whatever plays on the screen is up to you, if you can’t find anything use a clip from this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NtB_CxlgZCc
Cut to school where Hugh and Rufus are talking just then Jessica show up she basically looks like the typical 2000s girl her sneakers look fucking horrible.
Jessica: “hey Hugh”
Hugh looks away
Jessica: looks at Hugh but then notices Rufus “oh Rufus. The librarian wants you to give back all those LGBTQ+ books you stole”
Rufus: “what come on I’m totally sexual confused”
Jessica: “really”
Rufus: “yeah really”
Jessica: “what’s that behind you”
It pans over to show a gallon of gasoline, and a trash can.
Rufus: “…I’ll return it” Rufus then walks out of the scene
Jessica: “are you angry at me”
Hugh: “no..”
Jessica: “then what are you angry about”
Hugh: “I’m not angry…this whole world is angry with its wars and politicians…and wars OK FINE IM ANGRY AT YOU”
Jessica: “well if it makes you feel any better I apologize”
Hugh: “Yeah Well… wait you what?”
Jessica: “I apologize I shouldn’t have turned you down truth is…pop punk means a lot to me but I’m also scared I won’t be excepted among the counter culture”
Hugh: “what babe that’s ridiculous your the most pop punk girl I’ve ever met”
Jessica: “aw Hugh thank you if it’s not to late I’d still like to go and see 5 seconds of summer live with you”
Hugh: “Really that would be amazing”
Jessica: “ok well I’ll see you at 8”
Hugh: “yeah I see you at 8”
Jessica then leaves as Hugh stands there for a couple of seconds until he realizes the issue
Hugh: “aw fuck”
Hugh grabs his backpack and pulls out his skateboard that he at no point ever uses he’s just carrying that around with him wherever he goes and heads to cousin Joey’s restaurant
Hugh: “COUSIN JOEY GIVE ME BACK THOSE TICKETS”
Joey: “huh what for I just found a buyer who will pay even more the amount I was offering”
Hugh: “there’s been a change of plans Joey Jessica said she wants to go to the show now so you need to cancel the deal”
Joey: “cancel the deal…CANCEL THE DEAL!! Yous think I’m gonna listen to a little bitty meatball like yourself about what deals should and shouldn’t be made”
Hugh: “um yeah kind of”
Joey: “well as my fatha always used to say no way Jose”
Hugh: “that’s not his”
Joey: “what”
Hugh: “that’s not his expression a lot of people say that”
Joey: “ye-yeah I mean true but that doesn’t mean he didn’t say it a lot”
Hugh: “well I mean you could have just said no way Jose instead of mentioning”
Joey: “yeah but I got the expression from my fatha”
Hugh: “yeah but I don’t care…I don’t know your “fatha””
Joey: “ya know what this is a waste of time HEY Fellas”
Just then the Joey Recolors show up
Joey: “take care of this little punk here while I go make some money”
As Joey leaves the shop Hugh is surrounded by the many different Joeys
Hugh: “alright then if it’s a fight you want it’s a fight you’ll get do your wor…”just then one of the joeys lightly pushes him “wh-what are you doing?” Light push “guys stop” light “STOOP” light push “dude really” light push “come on man” light push “this is so fucking” light push “STOP” they continue to lightly push him while he’s screaming stop until it fades out
We fade in to Joey driving his car arriving at the stadium where the 5 seconds of summer show is happening
Joey: walks out of his car “alright now it’s time for me to sell these tickets and then after I’m done with that I can get a jacuzzi, oh Joey baby this is best idea you ever ha…” Gasp Joey in the distance sees Hugh. Stutters “how in the fuck did you get out!?”
Hugh: “well Joey all I can say is that you need to learn how to keep your store in order”
We then cut to the Joeys watching the video from before
Joey: “ah your one low down son of a bitch Hugh but I ain’t going down with a fight”
Hugh: “you think I’m scared of ya Bring it on old man BRING IT ON!”
Then the two of this run at each other while Kung Fu Music plays in the background it then anti climatically with Joey holding the ticket over Hugh’s head while he’s trying to grab it
Hugh: “give me the ticket”
Joey: “hell no”
Hugh: “stop being a bitch about this and hand me the ticket”
Joey: “as my father use ta say..eh Um hell no”
Hugh: “GIVE ME THE FUCKING TICKET”
As he is saying this the camera pans out and the both of them are moving from back to forth while that is happening passersby are avoiding eye contact, and trying not to look at them
Joey: “shut the fuck up Hugh”
Hugh: “GIVE ME THEM NOOOOW”
Joey: “we had a deal”
Hugh: “GIVE IT TO ME!”
Just then Jessica appears first in silhouette looking at them
Jessica: “Hugh what the fuck are you doing”
Hugh: “oh Um Jessica Hey I didn’t see you there I was just oh”
Joey:”Hugh told me to sell the tickets because you where being a bitch now that your not a bitch he wants them back”
Jessica: “HUGH!!”
Hugh: “what ha ha no no you see I didn’t call you a bitch but I did try to sell the tickets because you were going but then you said you were going so I asked him to give me the tickets back”
Joey: “that’s literally the same story I just told”
Hugh: “no it’s not”
Jessica: “yeah it kind of is”
Hugh: sighs
Jessica: “I don’t understand why you guys are fighting just sell the tickets split the profits and then just use your share to buy some cheaper tickets”
Hugh: “but Jessica those tickets where front row tickets”
Jessica: “really!?”
Hugh: “yeah that’s why…”
Jessica: “HUGH WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Hugh: “what?”
Jessica: “I told you I was self conscious and you wanted me to be in the front row do you know fragile my mental state is at this age…DO YOU”
Hugh: “but I just wanted us to have a good time”
Jessica: “NO. You wanted to have a good time and you wanted to take advantage of young naive little girl like myself well guess what FUCK YOU AND FUCK POP PUNK”
Hugh: looking absolutely heartbroken “fu-fuck pop punk??”
Jessica: “goodbye Hugh I hope I never see you again”
Jessica leaves with Hugh and Joey just staring at her
Joey: “well looks like you screwed the pouch on that one well at least I can still sell the tick…”
Just then Hugh grabs the tickets and rips them in half and walks away
Hugh: “ you…you son of a bitch Hugh OOOOH OH MY GOD YOU FUCKED ME HUGH YOU FUCKED ME THAT WAS THE ONLY TICKETS I HAD YOU BASTARD WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DOWN NOW YOUR GONNA RUIN MY RATING ON CRAIGSLIST HUGH FUCK YOU HUGH FUCK YOU IM GONNA GET YOU BACK FOR THIS HUGH THIS WILL NEVER END HUGH THIS WILL NEVER END”
The end
Show credits while nu metal is playing in the background.