I rethemed this do U like


cw for mentions of sh / suicide & more generally unhealthy things, especially in earlier entries.
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i sometimes forget to update this. but it's my diary i do what i want
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main, about me, directory


1/29/26
Hi Ok. rantpage made awww.
i feel really useless i dont kmow Its. hard to explain why but i just feel like ive failed my parents so badly and my sisters and everyone around me too since im neurodivergent and can never and will never be normal it hurts really badly
i wish. i was a better person i wish i didnt find escape in the internet the way that i do because it makes me really sad

1/30/26

sometimes i want to give up Really badly

wwould you come to my cottage this summer?

Hiii i am so heated rivalrypilled Hiiii i really liek ilya and i really really like shane he is my babyboo. i am sometimes jealous of the physical intimacy that they have with each other i thnk ive never had that sort of passion. maybe? maybe i guess its more passionate when its a secret just betwren the two and even if ive half been there its never been the same. i guess im not actually jealous its just a sort of longing. maybe thats why i like them so much, i like to picture me and him as them sometimes i thin k that would be nice i would like to be like this someday with him

id like to marry my boyfriend one day i think everything would be so much easier if i could actually see him face to face every day i feel like theres so much im lacking in our relationship from the distance but thats Ok we will betogehter soon and will be so so happy

2/1/26
i skipped a whole day of writing cause i was ? at work.yesterdya. its ok i made money to fix my phone and buy a url i wanted sou im happy

i miss my boyfreifnd aalot it s not even hes faul t he is awau now taht i know more bBut i cant help but miss him and worry for his safety all the time ebery day iwant my baby back

i am sx4maxxed today too and uhhh workmaxxed im tired i dont know i wanted to start writing stuff here since i have nobody to talk to but the knowledge taht anything i put here could and might be seen by anyone i know frightens me. this is like reading my personal diary if u even care
everyone: we dont care sorreyyy
me: thank

2/3/26
DUDE I SKIPPED AOTHER DAY IM SUCH A CHUD!
today was uneventful minus me gettingto talk to my boyfriend for the first time in a qhile yayayayyyy..!!!! I Missed him a lot. also i finished /sunturine if u even care. Hi. ok i need to work on cottage andpuck now goodbye byebye

2/4/26

wwiilll youu come to my cottage this summer? smiling wmoji

atp updating every other day is normal for me now since I cant. find the energy to do much besides School on A days ok.... Lang is molesting me aaaghhhh!!!!
anyways im happy Wait why the fuck is spotify DJ bumping odetari in my headphones be right back

Ok there
hiii today is a good day i miss my boyfriend as always i am happy with my friends i would like to talk to liz more he is so cool to me. i like his art a lot and i complimented it and i like how it made him happy Ok this is making ME happy!!i think a lot of my gratification comes drom making people happy and serving people and just. knowing i am worth something in terms of providing service not just romantically obviously but in general ok? like to EVERYONE ok i love buying things for my sisters i think today i will get a sweet treat from the bakery for my sister since she has the flu and i want to see her happy after being in pain for so long Ok..@enneagram what type am i?
everyone: type 2 boiii
me: Nah i'd sx4

i wonder why i am like this i mean my parents didnt really look at me or pay attention to me unless i proved myself worthy of it so i think thats why i get a huge serotonin boost from people being happy with something i did. sp3 is also speaking to me i think im more sx4 because i have the temperment of one WAIT THIS RMEINDS ME OF THAT ONE IMAGE

i dropped everything i was doing (everythung i was writing mostly) to customize this with whatever types i feel likeBy the way. tell me its good. tell me i made it look nice.

anyways Ok i reread all i had said earlier and i rememebred my heatedrivalrypill Hiiii 6 episodes isnt enough im a hudcon fan now laughing emoji. /HALFJOKE! anywyas hudson is funny to me What prompted him to do this

this is my homosxexual Son please be kind to him he is two days old

Ok i got really paranoid i was gonna hit rentry's character limit soon so i checked and rhus has 5000 characters on it so far AND THE LIMIT IS 200K LMFAOOO i think im safe For a while. if i did the math ive done 5000/200000 which is .025 so 2.5% filled. And its been a week ish... so assuming i rant the same amount every week i should have 40 weeks of this OK GOOD thanks i just need to make sure i wont run out of space thanks~

im realizing now i didnt need to do allat 40 x 5000 equals 200k and i know that CLASS IS ENDING BYW

2/10/26

its been????six days?????Hi?????? hhaha since when. has it been this long
SOS IM BEIN G MOLESTED BY ALL MY APS NEVER TAKE 4 APS NEVER PUT THREE OF THEM ON ONE DAY NEVER NEV

dude im actuall y getting molested by my ap chem homeowkr make it stop. i hate calorimetry. go away. i ahate math. can we do conceptual stuff aagain pleease oh i miss it so bad liek actually
im in chinese right now booooorrriiiinngggg my chinese teacher is like. a bad teacher and im half asleep and half trying to do my chem lab writeup for nect period WAITT HIS IS REMINDIGN ME OF HOW MUCH I HAVE TO DO SOS SOS SOS
oh ymy godOKkaayy

TO DO LIST FOR THE REST OF THIS WEEK
today:
email youthline back for my interview
ask my ap chem teacher abt our plans for the first week of march lessonwise
journal package for ap paych
email my ap lang teacher about our plans for the first week of march
finish national chinese honors society application
ANNOTATE GREAT GATSBY FOR LANG
~DO CHEM HOMEOWORK~
~DO CHINESE HOMEWORK~
HOMEWORK
????? ill update as i Go. Ok.

tomorrow
JOURNAL PACKAGE DUE SOS SOS
something in history
ask my history teacher about the plan for the first week of march

thursday
idk man ill add to this

i will Kill mysel
STOOOP PP IM OGONNA FILLA speeeddd im going to loseeee

2/11/26

ITS OVER I DIDNT FINISH ANYTHING FROM YESTERDSY
i did draw though. but that isnt worth anything academically booo
im on my chromebook now so im gonna try and finish my journal package at the very least,,,

TODAY WAS SO PRODUCTIVE I STAY WINNING
i uhhhh finsihed emailing all my teachers did some lang homework cleaned the whole kitchen got 10k steps in went to the store bought stuff drew stuff finished my psych journal and Yeah! oh i did the cat litter and cleaned other stuff inside my house too. this soothes my ocd so bad it is not funny. yes i am diagnosed but yes i am also the stereotypical ocd individual. yes i like to clean and yes i like to have things in order and yes it soothes my nerves to an inexplicable degree when i know i have control over myself and the tasks im doing and when iam able to control myself into doing things for my greater good

i constantly have an internal battle going on between my adhd and ocd and.the ocd is winning today but thats good since i cant get distracted and i'll be productive all day and not need to sleep or get distracted and just learn and do as much homework as I can and im typing so fast it hurts a little i had to take my headphones off since it was overwhelming me more than i already am but IDC!!!!!! operating under stress is good for me i think until i start moving fast like this but im notcomplaining im gonna get light years of work done ill be the most productive person ever ill be so perfect ill be able to relax all week and weekend and ill be Amazing and my parents will be so proud of me

kay i changed the font to something more readable and calm. IM ALWAYS CALM!

2/22/26

Its been. ten days or something wait no 11. Sos. ok so in my defense i was deally really sick for teh past week or so so i wasnt updating tjis :)... im still sick but well enough to do homeowrk Nd school stuff now though so thats Ok. but i feel like im dying! my head! hurts! i have the flu or soemthing and its so stipid it hurts my whole head and neck and everything and i had to miss two days of school becasue pf it and now i have a ton of homework to make up. Whatever. i should go do that now afte rshowering :)... will update this more later thiugh Love

OK its like two hours later now i finished studying for chem. thats a lie. i still have liek 3 chem assignmentsto finish before my test tomorrow..but thats OK! i like chemistry i think the owner of /chem and /chemistry or whoever owns them should give the urls to me for free cause im awesome
shoutout to the two people i traded witj recently i love url trading So Much liek actuaally. defeat traded for confusion and puck traded for apricot guys am i winning? i like food themed urls i wish i had more so tke second i saw apricot i got super excited. eyes emoji! im gonna make it yatta themed probably... like all my other rentries for some reason (shocker wya?)//,,, ill also redo sunturine too its my baby and i want it to be CUTE! for me and my boyfeienf. speaking of him i miss him really badly :(( i understand that he's sick and cant talk to me cause of that but i wish the best for him and miss him still alot understand?

ok i keep coughing sos. alarm emoji. i made tea and it isnt helping ,much. but i will go try to finish my homework now bye~

2/25/26
hello it feels like ym life is over. Kinda. not really. but ihave been consumed with obsession (CORNY WORDING A LERT) to the point i find it hard to function without either performing whatever compulsion soothes my anxiety (sh) or . being distracted so severely i forget for a moemnt. waht to do ?

apparently for bpd and also severw ocd, both of which i suffer from, dbt works. i looked up some dbt anxiety and episode (split?) management methods today since i cant take worrying like this anymore. i cant eat or sleep or do anything unless im actively talking to him or getting distractef by something that mandates my attention (school). i dont like this i dont like uncertainty its happened before or almost did and im so scared he'll replace me with someone he likes more please am i not enough why dont you text me back why dont you respond to me are you talking to soemone else do oyu not likeme anymore are you scared of me do you not want me anymore whydoes it hurt so bad do you really have to lwave me I understand but do it now befor e it hurts too much pleas e im soscared

3/8/26

it was my birthday a few days ago. i think this is the most miserable birthday ivw ever experienved Now thanks

i do t want rn eb alive ithurts everhthifn hurts Can i die pleas e

3/9/26
is it even march 9th yet? i dont know at this point. my head hurts. i Miss my. ex-boyfreidn? situationship or whatever we ar wnow. but i feel even guiltier saying that isnce he is clearly unwell and i need to wait but nto talkin f to himHurts i just misshim i want m y boyfrien dback im so sicki feel so sickPleas

wwhwyuy ar e We lkike this i hhave somuch t do but all ive done is sleep off my jet lag and cut msyelf today i cant Bring mself to pay attention to antuhing else i dontkno w why ive ltst tenpounts somehow i Weighed msyelf forthe firt time in a while an d was so surpirsed icant beoueve i actualyl havw done that ikmnot proud im happ y yesbut im just Apathetic i feelnothing but wverything at the samw time It hurts i vant look at anythinf withut it remindifn me of him i Haventgiven up yet it osunds like i have since being on a break feel slike rejectioneBecause he isnot my boyfriend anmymroe and it hruts but i dontknnow it makes me feel like i should give up eeven thoufh i know i f i try i canmake it bettweIm just so How do i get my psycjiatrist to giv e me antipsychoti?cs? please amber @amber @amber iNeed this pleaee cnmake kmeabetter prerson i can t Do this anhmore

3/10/26

things are beautifuk again idk whyBut it hurts less nnow. imhappy ive been doing stuff to take my mind off of it andits wokeing really well i Like my friends alot

things are beautiful im tired but happy eeverything wilm be Ok i retyped as sx8 again kindaMaybe to make mysefl feel better and mkrw in control but idk ive been sx8maxxed today and yesterday afternoon and it was all really nice imreally happy

Ok everthing is beautiful Ok By e

4/15/26

thing s have occured. inthe past month

it hurts i think

5/15/26

holy shit! its been like! a month!

im rereading all the bullshit i wrote on here from the past few months and i mostly am deeply embarrased of myself like Bro what prompted me to act like that. hey. i will probably archive all this and restart this as a new diary with a new layout but im tired right now. so thatll happen later, Ok?

5/20/26

oknow i remember why i was acting like that ahahaha
Iwas supposedto kill myself 4 days ago. i had this whole timer and stuff. "if life doesn't get better by may 16th i'll end it all", or something. maybe 4 days past isnt too late?

5/21/26

"yes it soothes my nerves to an inexplicable degree when i know i have control over myself and the tasks im doing and when iam able to control myself into doing things for my greater good

i constantly have an internal battle going on between my adhd and ocd and.the ocd is winning today but thats good since i cant get distracted and i'll be productive all day and not need to sleep or get distracted and just learn and do as much homework as I can and im typing so fast it hurts a little i had to take my headphones off since it was overwhelming me more than i already am but IDC!!!!!!" (Ozzie, circa February)

the so7pill was too obvious...
okits actually kinda funny to like look back on my old behavior half because i now again understand why i was so geeked out then and half because i think a lot of the things i said foreshadowed to my future. silly silly little Ozzie baby. just an infant. Not even 17! How does it feel to be alone? Wait i want to do one of those stupid time capsule things where people answer themself or like write back to themself when theyre older except i mean "older" in my case being something along the lines of a month or two later. at LEAST after the school year ends. wait thats only in like 3 wweeks holyfuck

anyways 🍀 first of all. Are you happy yet? I mean this hatefully towards myself because How do i bring myself to be happy when I don't recieve instant gratification? Anyway that leads me to my second question. Have you like.. figured out how to live in the present yet? Ohh, and are we on anxiety meds yet? Yes its We instead of You now I make the rules

How is your family? Your mom, dad, sisters? wait thats a bullshit question.Anyways
Have you cracked your screen time yet LMFFAOOO
And are you still making rentries? Oh, and assuming my replies are past like June 10th, did you successfully reclaim /kakavasha?
Have you relapsed? Actually I probably will im not gonnaFuckinglie but like have you relapsed recently? Is there anything to relapse over? Is life better now? OHH RUNNING THIS BACK AS IM TYPING. did your mom find out u kept relapsing for the past like week? if so, how did it go?😂
Ohh and have you retyped your enneagram again. I say this with as much hate in my heart towards myself as I can aswell. Stop doing that. Make up your damn mind.
How did the end of the school year go? Good grades? Hopefully?
I don't know what else to ask I think my life is pretty mundane which is funny isnt e7 supposed to live for fun? Well yes but im depressed and busy and alsothe countertype or whatever to e7uhhh either only have fun inthe moment or only consider things fun when I am the supplier of said elation. I love the word elation, and have even before I knew of the HSR path of its namesake. It reminds me of myself a lot. I guess with BPD too it's always depression or elation, depression or elation. Or maybe anxiety, but that coincides with depression too. Bad or good, essentially. Which is funny because i do view myself as very nuanced, or seeing issues (that dont relate to myself) with nuance. I guess the only time it is hard to discern is when it relates directly to me in the sense that when it's an issue that impacts me emotionally (typically within interpersonal relationships) I can switch very quickly from elation to hate or other flavours of disdain, and have time imagining or perceiving a middle ground. That in and of itself is funny too, I get hurt and crawl back because while i feel abandoned or hurt i still deeply care and cannot flip my view of you to disdain. I don't think I ever will.

5/22/26

"i like his art a lot and i complimented it and i like how it made him happy Ok this is making ME happy!!i think a lot of my gratification comes drom making people happy and serving people and just. knowing i am worth something in terms of providing service not just romantically obviously but in general ok? like to EVERYONE ok i love buying things for my sisters i think today i will get a sweet treat from the bakery for my sister since she has the flu and i want to see her happy after being in pain for so long Ok..@enneagram what type am i?
everyone: type 2 boiii
me: Nah i'd sx4

i wonder why i am like this i mean my parents didnt really look at me or pay attention to me unless i proved myself worthy of it so i think thats why i get a huge serotonin boost from people being happy with something i did." (Ozzie again circa February still i think)

that whole two lines are together a quote from whenevr. that was. Anywzys
there is a certain reaction image to this i want to add in but i CANT FIND IT DUDE also im like onmy chromebook in stats class cause my time limit Fucking ran out but thats #ok just read my mind and pretend the reaction image is there
SONION THE SO7PILL
@enneagram what type am i?
everyone: true so7

actually i really like making people happy i mean i relate. i read the e7 book yesterday and then the so7 part like twice and cried because i related too much to the childhood experience part. pushed into sacrificing for the mother with a father incapable of repairing the damage done by the mother Wya?
eye dee kay i mean i always did see myself as the savior of my family or the "good one" im always good i behave i behave But i behave because it makes me better than youu i behave because i am uplifted in the gaze of our mother more thanyouu i am rewarded with the elation ofa confirmation of my betterness morw than youuu
No shade to my sisters or anything though but it deeply pays off to shut up and help our parents out

as naranjo described for the so7, "Life is about accumulating good deeds; in the end, I will be rewarded"

I really was surprised at how mcuh i relate to e7, especially so7
I believe for a time my tritype was sx8sx7sx3 but! after reading naranjo's books i relate much deeper to (so)7 than i do any other type or subtype. Something i found previously is i could never find a description that encapsulated all of my beliefs and could see myself in most types (ie. e3's strive to superiority, e8's assertiveness and reactivity, e5's reliance on intelligence, e2's service of others, etc) yet there has always been one or another part that i didn't relate to or see within myself. but reading e7 was Beautiful i am so so7 holyshit

I want to put some of the quotes from the book i especially resonate with Wait yes

"God helps those who think.
I can find the solution.
Intelligence is the only thing to trust.
Tomorrow will be better.
I can achieve great things.
Conflict is unacceptable.
Everything can be fixed.
If I am kind to others, everything will be fine."

"I am always at the center of everything I do. Almost everything I do in the end, I do for myself."

"The difficulty in connecting with others is expressed through behaviors of loneliness. There is a coexisting sense of fundamental inadequacy and an inaccessibility that resembles social phobia, a lack of contact with others, and a certainty of rejection. Helping through sacrifice is, in fact, a narcissistic mode imbued with selfishness and exploitation of others, often unconsciously and with apparent disinterest. In the private sphere, this is revealed in the most obvious ways, where passivity expresses an expectation of care."

"It’s as if, in a state of mania, he could, for a brief moment, disguise reality to make it resemble what he wishes it to be."

"As often happens, they repeat the game they learned with their mother. That look represents a love with a lowercase "l," a love conditioned on you behaving as I wish, on playing the role that completes me... In a social context, this strategy becomes explicit in being good and helpful, seemingly sacrificed to the needs of others."

"their relationship with parental figures is marked by manipulation, fraudulence, and a secret feeling of being above them."

5/23/26

hi i almost didnt write here today its nearly the middle of the night and im tired. i have like nothing t show for today too all i did was draw my bumass yumesona and aventurine Yeah whagever look arenty they cute but kinda chopped?yes Ok

im disgusted at my own rendering like this is the laziest shit ive eevr done but like i literally just dont have tiiimmeee to draewwwYo pleasealso im so tired and hungry but wait i bought garlic bread and have it sitting in the fridge and its cheesy too ill heat it up and eat it tomorrow while working onmy ap stats final project mmmmmmmm

holyfuck im so tired an d i was gonnasay idk whu but i know its cause i walked to an ice cream place and then a pizza place and then to my moms house all today inthe heat and also did a ton of housework and yard work cause my dad wanted me to im just So Tired
its time to ZZZZzz goodnguht goodniighhtttt

5/24/26

hi its the afternoon right now and i feel really really guilty
ireallywish i was better at remembering things andFuck saying that sounds like im throwing some pity party for myself instead of working on remembering but on my own life i do i reallydo i just i feel so bad i dontknow i mean Today i forgot my boyfriends birthday and while i could excuse it mentally by telling mysel f that i dont remember anyones birthdays and thus its not personal but that doesnt take into account how my forgetti g makes other people feel and i justfeel horrible about it i mean especially when it hurts him Wjen it hurts him i care enough to feel guilty about it for hours afterwardsbut also like take actiona nd set reminders and write it in my calendar physically Like the family calendar i have at my house#lol but at the same time i mean besdides just him there are so many people ive let down because of my poor memory and i just dont know why im like this iguess adhd but excusing it with anyhthing just makes me feel worse it feels like im hiding behind something convenient but i really do want to change i really do want to fix it but time and time again i forget and forgetand forget i think ill never get anywhere in life because i just cant remember the steps it takes to move forward In the past month i dont check my email unless my dad reminds me i miss notification after motificatiomnive missed maybe three or four appointments to the point where my dad cancelled my therapy because i just kept forgetting i had it i feel so bad hesporbabyl had to pay over $800 out of pocket for sessions i forgot about I have consecutively forgotten to take the trash cans in every monday for the past three or four months at my moms i just cant remember i just cant remember and my momand dad tell me its just because i dont careAnd do i really not? do i really not care? it feels like i do i guess i hear it somuch i begin to questionhow much life itself or my interaction with the world matters to me i begin to doubt because really if i cared id overcome whatever obstacle is in the way of me remembering right? ijsut i feel so bad about it i dont feel hopeless but it more or less is Fuckill never not take my medication again iguess thats the one route of escape but my vyvanse makes me feel so horrible and so so nervous but life is so much easier on it i Remember on it its wort h it itll be worth it in the end

5/26/26

MY HAND HURTS SO BAD DUDE FUCCKKKFUCK

i burnt it a few days ago and the wholething is liek red its really bad actually i should maybe be asleep rn but im happy im just so happyso im awake writing on my rentries and then i remembered this one and came herea Hii its been two days i forgot to update

i have a presentation tomorrow in AP stats but my cortisol is just so low i really dont give a fuck itll be fine i am surprusingly not nervous actually im just distracting myself from worrying by not acknowledging the fact i should probably be preparing or notthinking too hard about it but thats ok this is a beautiful and blissful life. ignorance is bliss I Always say

5/27/26

Hi it is nighttime but i cant sleep Please Help?
iread the e7 book Or most of it over again cause i was boredtoday in class and it makes me momentarily very giddy to read about msyelf or osmething iresonate with. Anyways so7 is so me and yet so opposite to the other e7s i sigh very hard and sometimes wish i did not lie to myself and others about my goodness or intentions . i read somewhere that sp7 is bad on the inside & bad on the outside, so7 is bad on the inside & good on the outside, and sx7 is good both inside and out And i resonated a lot but i feel a lot of guilt for being this self centered and maybe that is the reununciation of selfish greed talking because why else feel bad about being self centered? but at the same time then I lie or act with dishonesty to make myself seem less of a bad person which ironically goes against the idealistic goodness i strive for. Especially lying who else here is a compulsive liar but like on accident? who else has to stop themself mid conversation and de-embellish whatever story they were telling because they realized midway they were over exaggerating its grandeur and felt bad about it? who else has told friends things that are completely not true on accident just because it came to mind? Me? just me? yes Ok...

I was (re)watching gravity falls with my sister today and bill cipher is so me. And dipper. And all of the characters except like soos. But especially bill cipher thats my goat. this is me if i was an eldritch being and not human. which i basically already am not. But i think in terms of godly characters i identify much more heavily as sunday. and also maybe light yagami. This is my perfect victory or whatever. Notice how theyre both so7(ish Ok. light debatable yes my opinion on his typing is still loading im just saying hes so7 for now for the self identification aura points). 👀 Anyways. wait speaking of so7 characters Holyfuck the aura the aura also i know typingbased off of relating to characters is bullshit but i went from relating to not a single so5 character ever (on EVERYONES lives i dont relate a SINGLE BIT to Albedo genshin impact or Lygus honkai star rail) to relating to every single so7 character ever . notice how they were also all on my 2020 kin list Yo gojo wei wuxian kaworu sunday heizou rui eternal sugar cookie kyubey fyodor(?) and more im forgetting probably. but thats Ok. this is beautifulESPECIALLY WEI WUXIAN AND SUNDAY AND KAWORU THEYRE ME TEHYRE ME YO double especially wwx cause Thats me yo. thats BEEN me. since i read mdzs in my freshman year. who remembers. who wants mdzs storytime audiobook narrated by me cause i want to reread it? I should make a podcast or audiobook i could talk for hours i love talking it excites me so much theres a reason i have a whole diary on here

my head hurts actually its more the back of my eyes but i just love staying up too much to sleep. True e7pill especially back in my day i used to refuse to go to bed until ~5am and would regularly get 2-3 hours of sleep a night cause i didnt want to miss out on what i could be doing as i was awake (which usually ended up being gaming back then. but my time limit molests me now so i cant anymore. whatEVer). anyways wait life is beautoful i was thinking about this earlier but i really appearlike no enneagram or dont fit any perfectly and i think its just because of how stressed and under pressure i am all the time i think without something like school causing me suffering id be so much morefun or . iguess i think back to how i was last year or even before that with all my friends and all joyously that was true Uhh true wei wuxian kinnie days LMFAOO life was sobeautiful. anwyays i guess i mean my head hurts i know e7's point of recession? degredation? whatever it is. is e1 meaning i act closer to so1 constantly than i do so7 which Kinda. fits i think. at least in terms of overperfectionism workaholism to achieve perfection deep & harsh criticism of self and others etc etc. hopefully life gets better though my psychiatrist prescribed me mood stabilizers! i told my sister about it and her reaction was kinda simultaneously confusing and funny. she told me she didnt think i needed them and that i seemed fine. Which is like. Haha. am i doing that good of a job at feigning sanity? maybe its just more visible to the people (person singularCoughs) that im more intimate with but. i guess im proud of myself for being deceptive in convincing those around me that i'm stable and fine, even if i'm internally anything but. my head hurts worse as i type its timefor bed Night Night . zzz

5/28/26

hiTodwy is beautifu l well is twansnt but then uit is aagain fuck icant type
i toda y was nice until ut wasnt but thenit was again Cause i did waht i do whenever i mess up and that is steal a tonof my parents One billion proof niceass expeksnive liquor and day drink alone cause im depresse dand pathetid
The abd thing with drinkig is thoug that i en d up like
not.mentally inpaxacited mcuh but moreso physically henceht typung i can abrelt lift my hands ohmy god
ifeelso dizzy maybe i ts an adhd hting idlook it u p but my chromebook is schoo l issued theyd see waht im o9okung up Lolllllll imnot being caught doingts but anwyays id look it up maybe adhd brains arenot as impacted tb alcohol or deprrssant as reguarl people are but i ntoice my pbysicaly capabiliites degrade much faster when drinking tanh my metnal likeim thinkin g just fine i think? but i can arbely see or lmocvemuch my typing is soshit this happen ed last time i was drunktoo i jstu hurd a loud ass ding from the other roomDo i check my sisters notificaiotns?yesi do

igot up and literlalt forgot i was going to d othis oh my go d beign drunk is so fun ifdont sorry anymore worying hurts me andhimboth the mor e i say the more i dig my own grave but then iDont if i drin k i just forget lifieussohaahhaha
but i was supposex to go drived with my dad Do i srill dothis?at least shower frist bu t who suport s ozie drink and drive incapacitatedadn get into a ca crash and kill hismelf casue hes a terrible selfish oversentitive person campaifn :? we suuport aIM supporting woah my ears feelwarm thats wrird
dude i sae this one post a longtime ago on liek tiktok orsoemhting where soemeone was like larpijg being drun k or high or whatveer and.i think f it evenevr im typing and drubk simultanoeuslt likei fee l like peoplewill see this (if anyone is realidnf thsi a akk )and wikk go FAEK@! fake drunklaaaaaarp i wan to drin k more wait i if i sasfymb is take a pictur e of the alc #bles and put it upnhere but im not that ianf if i drank mrow id worry abouthtoriwn g yp i shoufl shower and paply for jobs i need s ajob sobad i want to be 18na dn go to univerisy alreadu i f hbuy ,myself alcogol althe tiem i lvoei loe flelling like this exvpet saiyng that is ironic vecause i cant feel. or fcant feel mcuh. which is funny. so numb an d so beautfiyl regularzzie would be fucking freakingout oevr his "argument"wth hisboyfrined but this isnt regularzzei this is blissfulcopingmechnsimdzzie and he is not fuckingfreakin g ou t which isfunny cause netiher feel right to memorally or mabyne the former (freakingout andtrhing; insisting on fixingthings instantly)feels right typica;ly but now i jsut like i mena drinking changes it a lot i gues i no lnonger. think cohernely thus cant realltWait i eed to check my emai lohhhbruh he didnt repl yoto my emall whtsverr anyways likei was saying i no lonert think coherentl ybut that impairts my ability to "worry" or fre t in any sens e and maybe thats hwhat he wantsimean hetells me not to be sad for him and hthis is a development im no loneger sad cause i dont feel anythingOMG RDRINK GEOGUESSR DRUNK GEOGUESSR IM HOPPING ON THE GAmE

CAN GORGUESSR SROP PUTTIN MGEINFUCKING BRAZIL IM TIRED IM IRTRED I DON T WANT TO THISNK ABOUT THSO AmMY LIFE IS A FUVKINGJONe

earlier toay rihtha whiel i was awlakinghome and not happyorwhagever argument there was thistruck nera my house lablaed Elias Houswork or something an i startedfucking laughing my life is a wholeassjoke isnt ti hahah?whatever tgod exists and is messignwith me i want it deadill kilLyou
OH MY GOS I DID SOBAD IN GEOGUESSR IM UFUCKING CRHYING HOLTYHSIT the only countryi go t irgiht was brazil HAHAH veru funnt lgife i loveyou Right>?

k iwishi was a catboy tahts so xsexually attracirve ims o hornyOMG THE OCNCEPT OF JERKINGOFF WJILE FDRUNK WHYHa VENT I THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE wait sexwhile dirunk woudlbe even betterif only i didtn live ten bilion miles awauformmym boyfriendFuckirelal.y. Mmmmvene thoguh im drunk i atill have a slight filterHAHA! isnt that njcie. boemthing about drinking make s me wan ttoget laid i dontcar e that we justmoreor less arguedPlelaseihave a boner Soryrthis can be mya po,oghy i think in themost primisitve sense orwhen defenseles i realtlrelalyl love sexor the ideafo it i remmeber back in The Day i used t o jerkoff a lot which is actuallyreally embartading im better at Not. Now. notto ad,it i had a porn addifction but likesomrehtin g of tje like that k i dontmknoee sorruuits ahrderto not wehn i catn think straigjt anf cam only feel my nlanket pokinfmy thigdhs oohobruh this i s so embarrsing i cantIWill tihinkthsi is so humilating tomorow orwhebe ebvr i sober up whatee vevrrrijjwant myboutfiendsfinger siinsidemewwhoSaidnthat LOLwho said rhat who said tha

THE HUMILIATION RITUAL I PUT MYSELF THROUGH EARLIER?
like granted yes i had been drinking but ohhhh. oh man. it can remain here actually #memories and i dont think anyone but me reads this shit back anyways but i will still stribe it out cause i dont want to stare at what i wrote again

also i made pizza and feigned sobriety soo well around my family i was earlier like Oh my god im so fucked and drunk and also fucked cause i was sure my parents would notice me tripping and slurring my speech and shit but they DIDNT! mostly cause i didnt talk to them. i talked to my sister a ton though and made pizza with her like homemade! with the dough!and she didnt notice either and i half wanted to tell her but i was scared it would put her off so i didnt. Also i took the rice purity test and i got a 59 fuck it needs to be lower im so pissed. but all the ones i cant check off are the sex ones so those have to be on hold for a while. whatEVER!

ohh bruh im so pissed at my stepmom im gonna steal more of her alcohol this weekend when she and my dad r out of town she doesnt deserve shit
itstime to type my family sx873 janey so135 dad sx794 mom lalala so386 sister so468 other sisterohmygodihearhercomingupthestairsimkissingmylifegoodbyeohmygodpleasejaneyspareme

im between e8 an d e7 for my stepmom cause i think. she displays traits of both although she'd never admit it she's deeplynarcissistic and self serving and thus is more e7like kinda sp7 in an insatiable self serving sense like she's always on fucking vacation and buying million dollar house after million dollar house Oh and she says meand my siblings wouldnt get the money from our dads house if he died hahaha fuck you janey you already have everything you could ever want, a six figure job, living rent and expense free in your husbands house who cant leave you because he doesnt want to disturb the peace, and you still want more?ooohhhfuck you janey fuck you butwait i mean looking at each core e8 fits better because she's more power driven i dont think she likes money or experience itself i think she likes the control it brings her especially considering how she tries to impose "parenting" and rules on my sisters and I when we literally have a perfectly fine (for the sake of my complaining ill call her perfectly fine.) mother and justlike. Fuck offfff ohhhi cant wait till i leave this fucking house i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i feel so trappedahahah its like Why? do youfeel in constant pain?this is why this is why i constantly live on edge its like walking through a fuckingminefield no matter what i do janeywill find some way t o hurt or hurt or Hurtme or my sisters or start some fucking argument over something i didnt even do or something she percieves as an imperfection the hate i feelis so visceral i odont often have the capacity to hate butthe hate i feel I Just i literally had to stay at my moms for more time than i should cause i couldnt stand the sound ofhervoiOh its over i can hearher walking outside my room yelling at my sisters one day ill snap and killher woah that sounds edgy my apologies "anger management" she will Feel The Pain
THE HATE I FEEL ooohhmygo d its worse whej she turns around and abuses my sisters i feel more protective over them than i do myself i just pity them and hate herandwait

Hi this is maybe ten minutes later is it crazy that i ffeel kinda opposite to how i did earlier? yes? whatever. anwyay i chatted with my stepmom and dad and somehow managed to flip whatever angry script they had prepared to instead get them mad at my sisters while acknowledging how much i clean and behave myself ahahaha i feel a bit bad for switching up so easily but it's just so nice to hear that i'm better

"i'm healing"
and then all i do is cry a little less and cut myself, drink, and get high a ton more LMFAOOOOO but its so liberating and validating i dont necessarily like moping or wallowing in my misery but especially my self harm it makes my problems feel valid perfect positive correlation between how much i cut myself and how bad my issues are in my own head and i only realize ho wmuch i hurt or am in pain as im sitting bleeding out on the bathroom floor like Huh maybe that did make me feel something negative

and i feel like a shittier person for saying this but i see said pain or expression of whichas a competition kinda in which i need to win i know i preach about fairness and not being competitive but the only reason i do is cause im trying to quell whatever narcissistic calling i have internally to be and act and do better (or worse) #histrionic i really never imagined i would. have that or anything and i really still dont think i do i cant call my competition for the greatest pain or burden or resilience i takeon as a cue that i habve a whole personality disorder but i could say i have various traits. Anwyays. i hate hate hate hate tiktok because whenevrr i log on and look at my friends stories theyre all like Waahh xyz favorite person of mine left me look at my self harm that im posting here Fuuucckkkk yyewwww my pain is worse i guarentee you i bet i cut myself deeper EVERY DAY than you do you bitches aint like me. you bitches dont hurt like me. have you ever been unable to walk cause you cut yourself too much? ever had to get stitches? ever nearly got sent to a psychiatric ward? ever hit beans? ever cut the palms of your hands and fingers and ankles? ever bled so much youve fainted? no? ahahahaha Pathetic patheticwell i have so fuck you im better im better my pain is worse so much worse and i deserve moreattention for it and more comfort and more care and more Everything im more deserving im better im better im better im better because im more competent and have a life and dont mope on my tiktok stories whenever something bad happens i get drunk and cut myself alone like a real mad and im better even at hurting and hurting myself which is pathetic for you cause how can i be the best in both realms of good and bad? i dont know but i still am!
yo who said that . mustve been the wind

i dont know why im saying any of this Woah i guess deep deep projection im forcing myself to cough up because im so good at quelling my problems that i have to have them worse than other peoples to make me feel any self worth. which sounds dumb but i think my self worth or how happy iam is tied to the attention i get and more specifically the care and compassion and tenderness people show towards me which i really. i mean im not a tender person but its nice to hear nice things sometimes. even if im not nice. maybe i dont deserve kind things especially not how i am now it makes me a bad person to be this way. anyways i really dont Fuck i hate admitting this really badly even knowing most likely nobody but me will ever read this but i just want. to no longer play the role of savior in my parents lives and have it flipped i want to be savedOhhit disgusts me especially the reaction(s) saying this brings up from people which is why i never will beand will never let myself be im just as happy If not happier when people appreciate me for what i do rather than when people dothings for me. But ohh that hurt comfort i do miss i mean i miss having friends who would do thing sfor me sometimes i rembeber back in the day. i would occasionally call my irl friend and ask her to go for a walk with me and if it happened to be evening or night she would know that as code for Help me mymom did something and i relapsed i need help and she'd meet me at this abandoned-ish office building on the street of my moms house and give me bandaids and vaseline and we'd sit at the park near the elementary school we went to together and she'd help me put bandages on my arms and tell me to clean up when i got homeaImgonna cry I iIthurts to think about to miss it hurts to missoohwow i hate bandaging mysel f up i guess thats more metaphorical butmychikdhood i never. never besides than would anyone (not my other, closer friends, not my parents, not my other relatives) would help me that way and i think it s theworst betrayal that my parents never did cause aWhat do you mean your kid saved you and not vice versa, when your kid was the one in more dire need of "saving"? and thus i have an insatiable void within myself to both save and be saved and MMmm i dont know sorry this is just me bitching about a problem i should be over or ignoring but the more sober i get the more i Remember and i cant just go down and drink more my parents are down there i cant. i feel like such an ungrateful cunt who cant recognize the existing good in his life Holy shit the more i write the more terrible and guilty i feel when will it ever be enough will it ever be enough will i ever find satiation? although i guess i mean better parents would benice but who needs parents when i have friends to keep me entertained and a boyfriend to love? not methats for sure! 😁 my life is already beautiful as is i need my mood stabilizers already Also speaking of which i think its hilarious that ssris worked so badly for me that my psychiatrist said Fuck it lets try lamictal. hii i dont think im bipolar actually but thanks anyways wait that reminds me of the time my therapist told me i might be bipolar and i was like Boi No nono no no....!!! mostly because my mood does not change cyclically and as drastically as it would in bipolar disorder as well as changing too rapidly to qualify for it. but anyways technicalities aside im sure i am not bipolar coughs @borderline can we explainhthe differences? no? whatever. anyways i really need to put the research on disorders down until i take this fucking. psychiatric assessment that my dad wants me to thatll take like a billion hours and make a billion people in my life (funny cause i dont think i know enough people for that) answer questions about me, my childhood, my behaviors, etc. its fFunny maybe. i dont trust anyone in my life to tell the truth though. tothe psychiatrists i mean. its time toput the resarch myself down thogugh cause i start reading the criteria for halfthe personality disorders and its like Hholyshit i "fit the criteria" by whatever i canthink of in my mind olike half the personality disorders except like schizoid antisocial avoidant and dependent Bruhhh laughing emoji take this with a fat grain of salt though cause i dislike the idea of self diagnosing a personality disorder with little rationale or professional opinion (shhh not you bpd my psychiatrist knows about you youre safe.) butlike. anyways . i already do have ocd maybe thats why irelate to ocpd imcrine ocpd is true e1 disorder as im reading the description i chuckle. i wrote a long explanation tohow i see myself in each of like every description i relate to but i deleted it cause its stupid and ifeel like im larping and i dont like dishonesty. I cant sleep but maybe i shoudl try to idk

my eyes hurt like a bitch and eye dee kay what time it is and also my head hurts i want to drink more though i need to drink Every Day from now on wait the concept of me getting high off vyvanse in the morning and spending the school day like that and then coming home and drinking until i cant feel anymore ive done both individually but wouldnt the days be so much better if i put them together Fuck thats the #life i aim to achieve

5/29/26

goodmorning my stomach hurts very badly and im very sick and cold and tired
i want to drink more but my parents are still home and theres no way i can fake sobriety in ms dunn's ap lang class. my life is so harduuhhh school should go away so i could spend all my time drinking my problems away. i feel too much right now it hurtsand im just so scared i wish i could see the future sometimes to path me out the best route and i usually can imagine the implications of such decisions but today and now if we imagine it as a flow chart every "choice" or option or route of behavior i could take would or might have devastating consequences
like this. each line is a behavior and ooh what do you know? imdying either day
not to sound like ive gave up on life but its almost hilarious to me that my life or choices are just so doomed to fail all the time

5/30/26

ouuuu shiiii 👀

yesterday i spent a lot of money i feel like a whore i dont need thongs Why did he buy this? because im not wearing it for myself obv but i sit down and im likeWell nobody else wants to see me like this so basically its useless#funruined

i have a interview fpr a job tomorrow. today?. will keep this posted. i might be hired! on the spot! we will see.

5/31/26

I GOT THE JOB

ok im tired heres some quotes from teh e7 book i relate to beforre falling asleep ok

"And the social E7 recorded at some point that the greatest pleasure was to appear as the highest good in the eyes of one of their parental figures. The disguise that brings him love is that of the renouncer, the content, the kind, the generous. The sacrificed. His is a sacrifice applauded and encouraged by the interest of the adult. A pantheonized, visible, praised sacrifice."

bye if i had a dollar. for every time one or another parent would only acknowledge me when i would do something worthy of their glance (for my mom complete care for her, for my dad working hard enough to impress him) id be rich.

"Good manners, facilitating the other, or the repression of anger allow him to put himself in superiority."

"As we will see later, this character uses his body in excess. Firstly, in sexuality, which is coveted since it creates a clash between tension and relaxation. Then, alcohol dependence, smoking, television, work... and anything else that helps you, through hypomanic emotionality, to modify what you find unacceptable or frustrating. He has to turn off the screams of a fierce narcissism inside him that reminds him that he is not what he should have become. And from there, the excess as narcotization. As if in mania he could, for a moment, disguise reality to make it more like what he would like it to be.

This can create an uncontrollable compulsion that only stops when it's too late, when the body gives major signals of difficulty. His challenge to life has the flavor of an angry protest and demand for fair compensation for having failed, after the suffering experienced by becoming a benefactor of humanity, a great guru, a powerful shaman. It is the only way, only in this way, at high levels, it is possible to match the accounts with life."

also i think its STUPID when people depict so7 as an angel. im no angel. i feel like being depicted as an angel goes against so7's attempts to appear naturally yet subtly good anyways. @everyone who drew angel so7 lets read naranjos e7 book friends! in his description of so7's appearnence its something like He looks modest and unassuming which is an intentionally curated appearence Anyways my so7 design is NOT AN ANGEL and is actually just a Regular Guy but if i had to stick him in an outfit it would probably be more masquerade esque rather than angel esque. STOP THE ANGEL SO7 PROPAGANDA!

"When he is in the vicinity of the other, the seductive game of the social E7 intensifies, and he uses his best qualities: youthful, cheerful, teasing. As if he were in the service of the other, to change his mood and do him good, so that he feels good, make an unforgettable moment, creating an anchor with good humor and well-being. It becomes essential to surprise, fascinate, amuse, do anything that allows you to reach the other in an indirect way, and even better if in that false disinterest the other can get closer. It is never a straight process; choose the other without seeming to choose it. And since he has the other in his head, he can strategically exploit any minimal opportunity to interest him and progressively approach him without showing interest."

Ohhhhey ntm on that last part now im trying not to think too hard about how bad my motives may actually be

"The seduction of the social E7 is more oral, above all, mental. He catches more with his words than with his energy."

sometimes my sisters make fun of the way i talk and as sad as it is i also often hear from adults (three times and counting so far, and that was just yesterday!) that i'm "well spoken" or Something. my new manager told me that before hiring me so like it must be a good thing . uUh i think its good the way i think is good my mental capacity is entertaining and in my experience intelligence is attractive and like. cool and again entertaining or something idunno its fun for me too at least the learning part is. and that's why i know so much about so many things i think. i just find so much joy in learning Yo

"But when you love your neighbor more than yourself, then you are trying to be too good."

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and enough is also not enough cause i wanna keep reading but Like. ouhh actually i dont want to talk about it much especially on a rentry that like everyone can see #scary but like. if i had a dollar. for every sacrifice i made. especially for someone i loved or wanted to impress. Yo. Wait i was goingsomewhere withthis lalalala oh yeah i mean i would consider myself sacrificial but not entirely to a fault and maybe its just the so/sp but like i feel like. or maybe i just feel that way and hate myself for it but i feeltoo self serving eye dee kay I Dont know. oh wait that other website has a description of the so/sp 7 wait yes here it is

"Enneatype Seven is a mentally fixated type, with image focus generally underdeveloped. For the social Seven, the concern with issues of image and relation to the group is somewhat at odds with dominant type Seven fixation. This can result in some apparently conflicting behaviors in the social/self-pres Seven. There is an underlying sense of insecurity and anxiety that isn’t as apparent in the other subtypes of Seven which is especially noticeable with the Six wing. (These can even become quite needy when unbalanced.) With sexual instinct least developed, they can lose trust in the bonds they have. While they may be very good and comfortable in a large group and when dealing with surface social relationships, they sometimes can struggle with forming and maintaining connections in a closer relationship.

The self-pres backup for the social instinct adds a grounding force that is missing with the social/sexual. While still possessing a good sense of humor, this subtype also usually has more focus and follow-through when it comes to their many projects. On the high side, they are community minded, have a lot of energy and usually socially accomplished."

ok ntm now on being needy 😂 but anyways i Do. think. this is me yo. whoremembers when i was an sx dom? but like most close relationships ESPECIALLY FRIENDSHIPS have fucked me over so badly its Time. i believe ive just changed (for the worse?maybe) since last year ish or whenever i first got into enneagram. true so dom though i like The Group wait my group(friends) are seeing a moviethis week wait im so excited i forgot im doing that but now i remembered again Yaayy. wait i mean its hardto say i really have friends though i guess i have a lack of perception of what being "friends" even is and thus find it hard to consider anyone a friend since whatever intimate "deep" core of myself i'd have to share and connect to the other with to truly be friends is like untouched by anyone but my boyfriend and probably will stay that way forever unless i somehow make a really close friednship which is kinda sad and funny at the same time its like one of those comedy masks thats the entirety of my life. True follower of elation over here Yo

“If I don't sacrifice myself I can't exist because I can't get love and recognition from others. I must establish relationships where I give more than I receive, so that others are always in my debt. I am a good being who sacrifices myself for others: if I show myself like this, others accept me, if I show my real interests, others will reject me. I feel weak with the confrontation of others, that's why I create the conditions of manipulation that allow me to rebalance the situation. If I am always available, the others accept me, and if this involves an effort, it doesn't matter. I sacrifice myself.”

that one oomf thats too good for this sinful earth. hey i knew that trope always spoke to me Maybe this is why

6/1/26

hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!

today is an okay day. a mundane day i'd say. i just am nervous and my stomach hurts a bit cause of how much work i have to do and how little distraction i can find from it. but thats Ok. ill just like use this as a to do list and that'll make me feel productive

TO DO this afternoon:

  1. AP Lang final project worktime (1 hour: cause & effect diagram on Docs, found poem/blackout poem)
  2. Owed art
  3. Rentry for irloomf
  4. AP Chem movie review & all the missing shit i had from earlier this semester

ok its 5:18 now what if i begin at 5:30 yes? good idea? yes. so at 6:30 ill be finished with Lang for today and then will be able to move on to other things Mhm mhm. maybe ill play hsr later aswell i want to try and e6 sp aventurine. and yes i could maybe pay to do that but whatEVER! its better in my mind to just do what i can instead of spending money cause saving my money means more money to spend on fun with my friends orMaybe get my boyfriend gifts if he lets me. Ok its time to find a charger and then start working on lang Yaayyy (boo.)

hi its later in the day now i worked on that shit and my head hurts really badly. i played hsr a lot too and finished that fly pixel plane event And my stomach and head hurt eevenworse now i think. its Ok. i feel very nervous. I want to run awau and never talk to anyone again i think it is so much more relaxing to avoid people . i worry a lot of the time that people think im lying about various things even though i know im not and idk whyits weird like I Dont Know lying is my worst fear im no liar and i feel i make it too clear that i uh. am not lying about anything orcare more about the image not lying gives me than others careabout it like I Dont lie thoigh please i want to never be percieved by anyoen again its easier its easier

6/2/26

dat one oomf with useless geography skills

one of my favorite things to do is learn random shit like this and i think its really intellecually stimulating aswell like. going on sidequests and learning to place every European country on a map or get good at geoguessr or solve a rubix cube or make pretzels. ive gone on a lot of sidequests and as much as it means my "hobbies" are usually very fleeting (i rarely stick to one activity for long. besides wordle but thats cause of me and oomfs streak.) but at the same time it gives me variety in skills. and now i can make the best pretzels ever so im really not complaining !

6/3/26

OMG this rentry name is so perfect /unease and all I feel is uneasy hello!

i just watched Obsession and it was fucking terrifying actually it wasnt that bad but i have and HAVE HAD a visceral fear of and paranoia over being watched followed stalked etc cause of various things that happened or that i did to myself in my childhood and there were scenes in the movie where she was watching him from the shadows and it didnt scare me at the moment but now im freaked the fuck out in my room alone. at least i dont live alone and my rationale tells me theres nobody cause the whole premise of the movie is that this guy forces this girl to be obsessed with him but i like.... didnt do that haha? and its like Well if i was in this guys shoes than the only person id want to love me is my boyfriend (but id never do what he did in the movie cause its a violation of the others autonomy. my boyfriend can choose whether he likes me or not and i wont fucking hex him into loving me if he doesnt or didnt #lol) and like. ive never done anything of the aort anyways? plus hypothetically if it was my boyfriend watching me sleep i'd be more comforted than freaked out honestly. im tired now What to watch to try and fall asleep? real ones say shitty youtube video essays yessirrr

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Pub: 23 Aug 2023 13:50 UTC

Edit: 04 Jun 2026 06:41 UTC

Views: 295