youll never get this url

to the people that are looking: i see you. im watching the number go up. what in the world could have happened to you for you to get satisfaction from tormenting me the way you did? sixteen thousand views on such a stupid thing. just because i dont register as a living being to you.

when this all started, before fujostars and before femkankri, i was a 12 year old in the 7th grade. my groomer had just committed suicide, and everyone around me HATED me. i didnt know why, all i ever wanted was to have friends. it was this pursuit of friendship that inevitability ruined me.

getting my internet access back after it was taken away was a mistake. i should have had some realization that i would be happier not worrying about it. i should have NEVER gone down the neocities rabbithole (no pun intended) that led me to this identity. it is far too late to change anything now.

"vamporidae" was not an internet identity, a persona, or anything of that sort. vamporidae was Me. a real person. a real teenager. a real CHILD. when i became vamporidae i marked the beginning of the end of my life.
i began a cycle. i met someone and i got too attached and they ruined me. and it kept happening. over and over. i never learned.

somehow, the people i have had the misfortune of knowing online gave ME of all people trust issues. isnt that funny? when i started having heart palpitations from all the stress you all told me you hoped it got worse. it did. you got exactly what you wanted, all thats left is the inevitable. i will die. and it is your fault. i cannot and will not sugarcoat it, when i die, YOU killed me.

i will stand by the fact that every accusation made against me was and is a lie. even after i am gone. i am not a bad person, i have only ever wanted people to like me.
the people making these accusations KNOW how terrified i am of hurting people. they do it out of immaturity and impulsiveness. they do it because they do not feel remorse because i am simply expendable. a zoo animal. an act for them to gawk at.

as soon as the people that did this to me left me alone, i got better. less angry. less prone to snapping. less prone to relapsing. isnt that funny? is it hard to think that you were the problem? i know. i know it is. you think that you are perfect creatures incapable of doing any harm. you believe that i am subhuman, so anything you do to me isnt really serious, is it?

these things havent ever been issues for you have they? i know why. i know exactly why. you are normal enough to not go through it. you are normal enough to have friends and youre normal enough to keep them too. youre normal enough to say whatever you want and do whatever you want because you didnt get fucked up like me.

some of you still seem to not understand what fucked me up. i dont think i can say it any more clearly. i was GROOMED by several dangerous pro-contact pro-abuse necrophiles. i am not a necrophile and i never was. i was a confused child trying to make sense of the absolute fucking horrors i had seen and experienced. and what did you all do? you put it all out there. told everyone what happened to me, not even really knowing the truth yourself.

you put me in so much danger. you made me get sent countless images and videos of gore and animal abuse and everything you can fucking think of. do you think i wanted that? do you think it was worth it? i was FOURTEEN YEARS OLD when all of this started.

i genuinely wish i could say i understand that you were immature and have room to grow but you dont and you never will. dont think this just includes the creators of doc 1, it is ALL of you. i am so fucking angry and it consumes every waking moment of my life. none of you are good. none of you have a shred of good in your bodies minds or souls.

i did anything and everything i could to keep the people i cared about. nothing worked out and nothing ever will, i know this now.
when i was around all of you, i was angry and scared and overwhelmed all the fucking time. i learned that friendship and love shouldnt make you feel like that. i learned what a real caring relationship should be like. and still i cannot fully trust anyone anymore.

and yet i am still ruined and that wont ever change. you all said this is what you wanted and you got it. you effectively made me into a mini-birdie, not even known enough to explain myself and have it matter. an urban legend across syscord and friendgroups, something that will always be seen the exact same way. i am still the same as i was when i was in middle school. i am still confused and scared and i dont have any fight left in me.

i am better now and i know this as a fact but i am still so, so deeply ruined. i will never be me again. i am not even sure what i am right now. i am always changing, always molding myself into what others want, ive become such a shell that sometimes i dont even know basic things about myself. in most ways i am the same as i was before. i am confused and scared and sad, and the only difference is that im not a little boy anymore. i have matured and i have stopped biting like i used to. i have learned how to effectively communicate with those i love, and i have learned how to be a better person in general.

vamporidae was many things. vamporidae was a victim, an angry teenage boy, someone who was often on a hair trigger, someone willing to cut others off at the drop of a hat, and someone with extreme untreated mental issues. (but you knew that already didnt you?) vamporidae was willing to do anything for approval. vamporidae was your perfect puppet and your perfect personal lolcow.

well its time for me to move on.

Edit
Pub: 27 Feb 2023 02:12 UTC
Edit: 02 Sep 2024 03:58 UTC
Views: 16266