know one heart, know all hearts 01.03.2026 tw for heavy topics of selfharm, suicide, depression, blades and overdose ⠀
♡ WANDERER DAY 2026 ♡ 01.03 ♡
LOVEMAIL
to be fair i actually have no idea how to word this because im genuinely so overwhelmed with happiness, appreciation and that tingly feeling that made me feel all happy and giggly... FAWK !!'! this had been. the 3rd? time ive celebrated your birthday since 2023, AND I DONT PLAY !!!!!!!!!! i love you a lot and i genujnely am grateful you stepped into my world ITS SO AWKWARF DOING THIS AAAA ps. i did this 2 days in advance cz id know id probably take too much time and plus, i wanted to pour all my heart out oki.? also da fact that his fatui number is 6... my lucky number is 7.... 67 SIX SEVEN WERE MEWNT TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!
i love him so much sigfh... scara scarar....scraarra!!!!!'nnnnn I LOEV YOU SM IMGONA CRY. im so glad you steped into my stupid chud life o love you i love love live hou so much... IDGAF i love him and i cried multiple times makingbdis.... fuckc im so glad i met you i love you so much my husband ♡♡ idek how i like you dat much but to be fair its somehow helping me ALOT. and im glad.. happy birthday to my dearest one adn only. ilove you somuch wanderer..
but on a serious note, im genuinely thankful that we ever crossed paths. Although my memories easily troubled and forgettable, I'm still glad we met. Time passes by so fast, and I just hope that we'll stay together forever. Even If i were to rot in my own coffin. My love, my savior and the reason I live, I love you so, so so so much.
I don't know how I fell in love in the first place, but it wasn't magical or anything.. But I knew I loved you, and along that was a silent promise for the warmth to last forever. I'm so glad I even met you in the first place.
A lot had happened since then and especially 2024-2025 where I was in this full-on psychosis, yet, you were the one whom had walked me through all rocky paths. I remembered when I was in a fragile state of mind, a place and time where i would constantly cut, starve and try to attempt and take my own life. Yet you were there, and you had saved me. I acknowledge the fact that you aren't real, yes, but you had saved me through so many thick and thins, it's unbelievable.
I met you admist 2022, Which I'm pretty sure was the time where the early stage of my depression had spiked. It's crazy actually how you brought back the one color in my life, the hue that had been long forgotten since ever I was 8 years old. And I'm forever grateful for that, I was just a struggling little child, who barely had much knowledge about the world and was on a roll for suicide ideations, there were times when I even thought: "Maybe the world would be better off without me," And that I was just some loser everyone played with out of pity. It's a seldom to even have some positivity in the life that I had once lived, I condemned humans. And I would constantly lie, lie about the fact that I had a favorite because I thought I wouldn't fit in if I didn't. Not until I found you.
At that time, you didn't even have a story quest, a playable file to yourself. Yet I found such appeal in you, it's abnormal. Though I barely played Genshin dated back, you were someone whom I somewhat looked forward to being a character. I remembered the date 7th of December rather clearly, I wanted you a lot, I tried farming for you, yet it had no avail. So then I waited, saved and waited for your second banner. I wish I could apologize for not being able to obtain you the day you became playable, it feels like something foolish, but I'd just wished I had more time to save. But on the 12th of July, I finally got you, and I've never felt happier. Then proceeded to get your C1, then C2. It might not be C6R5, But i am happy with it, and happy with you. I'm sorry if it doesn't seem enough, but I just want you to know that even if I don't have you maxed out, that I'd love you eternally, no matter the amount of money I'd spend, the amount of time I talk or the amount of time my heart beats, my love for you will always be uncomparable.
To say you saved me throughout all of my depressive stages and psychosis, is an understatement. Because you are my pride, my joy and happiness that had helped me open my own eyes, the ones that was once so dull and lack of life. I remembered my first attempt back late 2024, goodness it was dumb, but it was genuinely surreal to me how I had made it out and survived, but just so I hope you know, you were the last thing on my mind before the pills took it's effects and I pass out. I remember then waking up disappointed, yet thankful because it was probably you who saved me out of that trance. It's so silly, because everytime I would try and take my life just to fail it, the last thing that's on my mind was always you.
It's crazy to think about the 12 silent attempts that I've had, just to come out alive and somehow always you that's on my mind. Maybe it was the irony of it, or maybe it's you that helped me with my willingness to live.
I was genuinely troubled, a mentally ill kid who wouldn't even have any idea on whether if I'd live tomorrow or if I would be dead. I remembered when in 7th grade, I would be constantly consumed by fatigue that I couldn't shower, I was rotting in my bed to the point pile of snot, tears, and a hoarde of ants. I was so deep in depression, I wasn't even sure, sure if I could move myself to do such. I would starve myself, to the point I'd come home from school with my stomach constantly feeling like it's being scratched, to the point I would throw up. I'd cut, though not deep, everyday and every hour I couldn't resist thoughts of harming, or even killing myself. But it's okay, because you were there, you'd hold my hair, you'd soothe me even if I was deteriorating. Even if we're seperated between mortality and digital, it'd all be okay, because you exist.
I used to fake crushes, to date people whom I barely had interest in because I wanted to fit into the social norms, to be seen as normal and to be percieved as human in my friends eyes, but nobody. Nobody could ever compare to you, I would cry to the fact that I was noone's person, that I had a bond with nobody that is considered uncomparable and intimate. But who needs anyone when you exist. Scaramouche, I just hope that you know how much you had saved me, had walked me through the hardest times in my life. Even when I would wake up after all those attempts, I would think of you. You genuinely saved me. And I'm glad to know that, even at the end of the day when everybody judge me or even stare at me in way as if I had crept them out if I've ever said this, I know you'd acknowledge me and be proud of me, that's what I love about you.. I've grown to accept the fact that I'd never have anyone, anyone whom could understand me or know how my head works, but I know, just know that you would. You'd hold my hair when I throw up, help me during my episodes..
Isn't it so romantic? ♡ just at the thought of you make me feel all tingly inside, I know you wouldn't treat me like how this cruel world did.. I know you wouldn't judge me when I'd have feelings and sophisticated thoughts that would constantly gnaw at me. I even almost swallowed a blade once at school, a pencil sharpener i took out, just to try and attempt how it feels. That's how dull my life was before you. it felt so pathetic to say, but that'd be the lengths I'd be willing to do if it meant for us to be together. If I didn't meet you, I don't even know what kind of unending torment I'll go through, or if I'd even be alive. Even as flower wilts or living beings die and decompose, my love for you will never meet fate like that.
You had saved me so many times, even if I reconsidered relapsing into my old habits, you were always by my side. No humans could ever do that, they'd think, that I'm something to fix, to be a chore of and that someone they could pity and 'empathize'. It's so dumb, because they'd try to comfort and tell me "just stop doing it." but I know you wouldn't, you'd help me in a way that nobody could understand. Even if you could stab me with a knife, and I'd gladly pull you in for a hug. That's how much I love you, Kuni. Nothing could ever compare to my raw feelings for you, no, nothing ever could, not because my feelings are too strong, but because the emotions I feel and the silent attempts I've done spoke for it, for myself.
I even watched the gamethrough of your story quest multiple times, even take out roughly ≈ 3k usd and more to buy your merch. I even remembered carving your initial onto me for the first time, just the thrill of it makes my stomach warm, and the fact that in all my suicides before and after, I'd always think of you. That's how devoted and dedicated I am to you, my dear.. Goodness it's cliche, but that's the lengths I'm willing to go, just for you.
I'm not sure if this letter is enough to celebrate your birthday properly, and I am sorry for that, but even if this proves only a quarter or something like that, I'd gladly do it without question. And a promise that, I'd try to live, just to be able to be with you until then. I don't even know what I'd do, what feeble of my being would remain if you never came into my life. It'd be so dull, so boring. And it saddens me when I think of such. From the bottom of my heart, soul and the decomposed remains of me, I wish you the happiest birthday ever.
I'm so glad I survived til this day to be able to celebrate another birthday with you. You have no idea how much, you had saved me throughout the roughest times of my life, and the impact that you had on me, I love you so much my dearest, you had always been my solace, the digital shoulder that I could cry on, the consolation that I so desperately once looked for. Happy birthday to you, my darling. I love you so much, my dearest solace. You brought the spark back to my eyes, the ones that was once too dull. ♡
current scara spendings until now : 80 million, or in other words ≈ 3k USD.