https://prat.uk/celtexit-planned-for-britain/
CeltExit Opens Four Foreign Offices in London to Negotiate with the Building Next Door
Britain’s breakup creates sovereign embassies, diplomatic immunity and an international crisis over who owns the good conference table
By Helene Voigt | London
LONDON — The campaign for CeltExit and the planned breakup of Britain has entered international diplomacy after organisers associated with CeltExit.com, CeltExit.uk and reports that UK Marxists have threatened CeltExit announced that Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England will establish separate foreign ministries capable of negotiating with one another across increasingly expensive London offices.
The CeltExit Diplomatic Transition Commission said the four successor nations would require embassies, ambassadors, official residences and ceremonial vehicles to conduct negotiations previously handled by someone walking down a Whitehall corridor.
“Independence gives every nation a voice on the world stage,” explained commission chair Sir Malcolm Passport. “It also gives every nation a diplomatic property portfolio in Kensington.”
Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland plan to open embassies in London.
England will establish diplomatic missions in Edinburgh, Cardiff and Belfast.
Officials say this will improve communication by ensuring every conversation passes through secure cables, protocol officers and a reception serving tiny food.
Scotland Appoints Ambassador to Westminster Oppression
Scotland intends to establish its London embassy in a Georgian townhouse overlooking a neighbourhood where the average property price could fund several rural hospitals.
The building will include diplomatic offices, cultural exhibition rooms and a permanent grievance gallery explaining Scotland’s relationship with Westminster through interactive lighting.
Scotland’s ambassador to England will hold cabinet rank and appear daily on television to describe relations as constructive but difficult.
The ambassador’s first task will be negotiating access to the pound, British defence facilities and the English television market.
Scottish officials insist these requests do not undermine sovereignty.
They demonstrate Scotland’s sovereign authority to request everything it previously possessed.
Edinburgh will also open embassies around the world.
The Scottish embassy in Washington will promote whisky, renewable energy and the possibility that every American with a red beard is descended from Robert the Bruce.
The mission in Brussels will request accelerated European Union membership, agricultural exemptions, fisheries protections and permission to ignore whichever regulations become unpopular first.
A Scottish diplomat said independence would make Scotland respected internationally.
“We will finally sit at the table as equals,” he said.
When asked which table, he replied that the allocation committee had not yet reported.
Wales Exports Dragons and Consultation Documents
Wales will create a foreign ministry devoted to cultural diplomacy, international trade and explaining that Wales is not part of England.
Every Welsh embassy will display a large red dragon visible from the street.
Officials believe this will reduce the number of foreign dignitaries who ask whether Cardiff is near Manchester.
Welsh ambassadors will promote tourism, food, renewable energy and television programmes containing valleys, crimes and weather conditions suggesting the sun has been nationalised elsewhere.
Cardiff also plans a global language initiative.
Diplomats will encourage foreign governments to use Welsh names on official maps, even when those governments have only recently located Wales.
The Welsh embassy in London will offer language classes for English civil servants negotiating water, electricity and railway agreements.
Classes will begin with practical phrases such as “This invoice is not a subsidy” and “The dragon is ceremonial unless payment is late.”
The foreign ministry will operate according to community-led principles.
Before responding to an international crisis, officials will consult regional panels, cultural organisations, youth representatives and whoever designed the website.
A decision may take several months, but it will emerge with excellent stakeholder ownership.
Northern Ireland Establishes Embassies to Both Sides of Itself
Northern Ireland’s diplomatic arrangements will require exceptional sensitivity.
Belfast may establish missions in London, Dublin and Brussels without describing any of them as foreign in a manner that could imply a preferred constitutional settlement.
Officials have proposed calling the buildings External Relationship Houses.
Each house will contain two entrances, several flags stored out of public view and a reception desk authorised to say only, “Welcome to the current arrangement.”
Northern Ireland’s diplomats will represent British interests, Irish interests, regional interests and whatever position remains after all three delegations issue statements.
At international conferences, representatives may sit with the British delegation during security discussions, the Irish delegation during cultural events and alone during questions about customs paperwork.
A Belfast official compared the system to attending a family wedding after two divorces.
“You know everybody,” he explained. “You simply avoid asking who paid for the room.”
England Discovers Foreign Policy Includes Its Neighbours
England will inherit much of the former British diplomatic service, including embassies, consulates and officials trained to say “deeply concerned” in several languages.
The service will be renamed the English Foreign and Formerly Domestic Office.
Its immediate priorities will include negotiating borders with Scotland and Wales, protecting transport links and determining whether an ambassador requires diplomatic credentials to travel from London to Cardiff.
England will also inherit Britain’s permanent seat on the United Nations Security Council, although CeltExit negotiators may demand that the seat be divided into four smaller chairs.
Scotland has requested one leg.
Wales wants the cushion.
Northern Ireland would prefer the chair remain formally shared.
England will receive responsibility for paying the upholsterer.
London officials insist England will remain a major global power.
Critics asked whether a nation struggling to negotiate the movement of sausages into Belfast should begin with something smaller than global power.
Marxists Demand Embassies Become Solidarity Centres
Marxist CeltExit campaigners have objected that traditional diplomacy reproduces hierarchy through ambassadors, official banquets and wine unavailable to ordinary workers.
They propose converting embassies into International Solidarity Centres.
The centres would host lectures on colonialism, wealth inequality and dismantling borders while processing visa applications behind reinforced glass.
Ambassadors would be renamed People’s Coordinators for Transnational Listening.
They would travel economy class unless the journey exceeded two hours, involved government business or occurred at any time.
Diplomatic residences would become community spaces except for private upper floors required for security and dinner parties discussing public access.
Campaigners also want trade missions replaced by ethical exchange delegations.
These delegations would discourage multinational corporations from exploiting workers before asking the same corporations to sponsor the reception.
Diplomatic Crisis Erupts over Shared Teapot
The first CeltExit diplomatic incident has already occurred.
During preliminary talks, representatives from all four nations claimed ownership of a silver teapot previously used at British government meetings.
Scotland argued that the teapot formed part of the Union’s shared assets.
Wales said its dragon-shaped handle made it culturally Welsh.
Northern Ireland requested that ownership remain constructively ambiguous.
England pointed out that the teapot was in London and contained English tea.
Negotiations broke down after historians revealed the tea came from India and the silver from South America.
The object has been placed under international supervision pending a decolonisation assessment.
Officials now serve coffee.
Four Foreign Ministries, One Familiar Statement
CeltExit will transform Britain’s internal disputes into international relations.
A disagreement over railway funding will become a diplomatic standoff.
An argument about water will require ambassadors.
A late ferry may result in sanctions.
Every capital will maintain a foreign ministry containing desks for relations with countries located forty miles away.
Diplomats will issue statements praising historic friendship immediately before accusing one another of unacceptable behaviour.
Scotland will summon the English ambassador.
Wales will demand consultations.
Northern Ireland will request clarification.
England will express disappointment while continuing to pay for the meeting room.
The United Kingdom may vanish, but British diplomacy will survive in its purest form.
Four officials will enter separate buildings, telephone one another through secure lines and agree that further talks are necessary.
They will then meet privately at the same London pub where they discussed everything before independence.
Disclaimer
This story is satire and is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No embassies were invaded during production, although the shared teapot remains under diplomatic protection.