vanni's diary!

desultory project. TWs !! | direct.

start date [❛yy - mm - dd] : ❛ 24 - 12 - 30

skip to month (scroll up) : [25 - 01] [25 - 02] [25 - 03]
[25 - 04] [25 - 05] [25 - 06] [25 - 07] [25 - 08] [26 - 03]
[26 - 04]

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

[04 - 29]

I am undisturbed,
inhuman.
I lay on the floor

tall trees and pine cones
bleed Me for more

I am nothing beyond a caricature of a Man.

maybe I should grow out My hair again.
I can wear a dress
with the blood on My legs

and watch as the rain
flutters down
from the Edge

I am nothing but a caricature of a Man

---

among other things, I have wanted to start an art project. and I want someone to draw with Me, but I am too afraid to ask
there are only few people whose art I do not merely observe from afar

I wish to have the strength to propose Myself. I wish to be One with another, that We can create in mute and mutual knowledge

.......................................................................................

[04 - 23]

you smell of dead flowers

closing eyes
my room is full of
spiders, ants
that want my rotten meat

its humid
i am full of spiders
bite me until its painful

i sit lonely
its dark and hopeless
will my body still be useful

im ashamed of all i am now
make me cry until its painful

you smell
of dead flowers
i smell of the sewer i rot in

im ashamed of all that i am now
and all that i am now is painful

---

it sounds just like you. i wish we never met

.......................................................................................

[04 - 19]

the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the end

some of yall only be talking 2 me when im doing badly like okay ive had therapists that talk to me on a good day what are YOU doing

...mmf! diagnose me dadyd!!!!11!!!!!1!!!

.......................................................................................

[04 - 17]

are you in teh complete privacy of your home because im about to strangle your hemorrhoids out of existence

i dont even know to be honest

i just really wish i could be someones first priority,. i Guess. its really stupid thats not how anything works i dont deserve it but it hurts so bad and its completely disabling. and because of that i have nothing to prove that im worthy of existence and im always just somewhere in between the beginning and the end

maybe it'd be better off if i had never started

.......................................................................................

[04 - 15]

hee hee hee haw i say as eveyrone leaves the room im just the silly gu

i forgot how good it feels to have cuts. like i get to watch the blood drip down my arm and then have it cover my sink and shit and its like someone died in there but i didnt really die because im not beautiful enough to die yet

i should probably eat less if some 14 year old french girl is skinnier than me what am i doing

.......................................................................................

[04 - 14]

oh yes daddy im so so normal dont even worry abou

何か自分の生活のを考えてからそんなに悪くないと感じてるんた^^
ㅤ人生のコントロールまだあまりあるけどさ

君と会いたいけど、まだ何か会いたくない

にゃんんん

.......................................................................................

[04 - 11]

uh huh is that so nodds head with little braincells leaking out from teh back of my necjk

sometimes i feel like everything would have been okay if only i didnt exist. i make a mess of everything i touch and i just cant stay quiet and keep all my shit to myself.

i dont mean to cry and i hate myself

でも同じの理由から泣きたくなる。昨日の思いは非常に間違えてたかもなーって、消えたい

.......................................................................................

[04 - 10]

whathefu its alreay aple ? scrattes head conjubed

我要变成一个table

昨日のジャーナルに書いてる物(詠歌じゃないよ):

多分、僕は恋に落ちたなー
ㅤどうしようー?
この感じ一度も感じてなかったみたい。初めてなんでしょう。なんか気づいてた
i dont think ive ever been in love honestly

-

一体何を言いたかったの?もし
新しい感じを感じてから、前の経験は本当の恋じゃないと気づいたかな

バカみたい。死ぬほうがいい

04. ×1

[03 - 29]

MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAHAHA

come on it was the 29th literally a second ago

.......................................................................................

[03 - 27]

bruh

its like everything i do i do for attention. yet every time i speak i just feel worse. i'm tired and i want to go home

no matter what i say or do nothing ever changes. i am always the way i am. maybe it's something wrong with me
but by now i'm too tired to make it home

.......................................................................................

[03 - 25]

:P

i love my scars theyre so pretty i should make more

eheheheh im sososo happy rn im gonna crash so hard tomorrow !! :DDD

.......................................................................................

[03 - 23]

i dont know anymore.

when will it be enough

.......................................................................................

[03 - 21]

終わろうか。

今まで何も変わらなかった。一緒に笑っても、泣いても、楽しんでも、まだ僕冷たい心を持ってて、一人で帰る。手を溶けて。

こんな心の中だけある愛憎、ああもう 死んでしまいそう

ねえ。心に届け、助けて。

.......................................................................................

[03 - 20]

im sorry. i know it's all in my head but im afraid of the words that describe my condition. im sorry

and i hate that i feel that i need to be in danger for you to care about me

i will never feel the same

.......................................................................................

[03 - 19]

clawing my eyes out

entry 001
got flagged by my school's BIG BROTHER application (run by a very privatised company that is very much collecting my data) on my laptop for typing my evaluation on julies lyricism. quote "its so profound i'm gonna kms" uh hello... guys... what are we doing... i was fine before... now i DO wanna kill myself LMAO ARGAHG

he was saying shit like "it was quite disturbing" NO?? ARE YOU SURE??? bro has never been disturbed before...

man. what the hell man. like i. ??????? im so confused im so tired ive been crying a shit ton and i miss everyone and i hate everyone and i wish i was better but i wish i was worse so i didnt have to be better.

FUCKKKK😭🔫

entry 002
be fr the only reason ive is only popular bcs of iz*one and even then its bcs eleven & love dive were good.
the moment i heard kitsch i knew it was over lowKEy they have never topped love dive tee bee aych

also liz's solo sounds like disney channel christian rock lol
the way she doesn't even sing the whole thing either like she does not have "vocals" because she can sing some high notes ok its not impressive y'all need to LIFT your standards and LIFT your bums off your chairs and LIFT some grass into your palms. because it's actually unreal. how similar this song sounds to that one christian song our school forces us to sing. LMAO okay
luv ya girl but this just wasnt it

.......................................................................................

[03 - 18]

JULIE ETTE DESIGN PROJECT HELLO??

i feel like they'd been teasing it everywhere from their holiday discount code 'ettearchive' to dillon's ette tattoo that he posted on his tumblr dot com. i looked at the online version it's so gorgeous i cannot wait to receive ette 001 archive (physical) a6 booklet 12 pages in the mail.

one thing i really love about julie and how alex writes and how they make art is how they portray life. i feel like a lot of their songs and the stuff alex writes about has such a poignant focus on quotidian aspects of their lives. i remember alex made a post once called 14 HOURS BEFORE FLIGHT TO AUSTIN FOR FINAL TOUR OF 2025 and its just this passage that interchanges between stychomithic dialogue between alex and a lady at a laundromat and her list-like reflection on her preparation and anticipation for the tour that is to come.
this motif is also in their music in songs like kit and flutter that discuss the emotional turmoils of relationships with people. also i'm obsessed with how they use aphorisms and idioms and direct their meaning towards almost a different plane. my explanation makes no sense. you'll see
ㅤexamples include:
ㅤ> knob: two stones to all your birds ('kill two birds with one stone')
ㅤ> flutter: in a mile i can feel your legs ('walk a mile in their shoes')
ㅤ> kit: colour me grey ('colour me impressed')
ITS SO PROFOUND IM GONNA KILL MYSELF AHRGRHG

another thing i've found, especially with their art, photography and the entries on their yt page is that they tend to like to capture stillness. particularly in dillon's art, macy tends to be in positions where rather than her actions being the focal point, the mystique and character of the art style and her condition is what creates the allure of the work. Idk

the quality that they film a lot of stuff in as well. i dont have the terms to describe it but its low but warm quality creates a memory-like feeling. especially with the frequent cuts and minimal chronologicality to it. but such is the way of life

also just realised that i didnt finish the last sentence of yesterdays entry LMFAOOOOOOO oh well

user_stage is GONE

.......................................................................................

[03 - 17]

DO NOT MESS WITH ME I WILL KILL MYSEFL

jokes aside its been rough to be honest. i cant even sit down to think without shaking and hyperventilating and all that. um anyways so. i do not know how to transition from that into writing serious sentimental stuff shut up. today is episodic i have many things to talk about.

SEGMENT 1. my DUMBASS fucking ability to act bro😭💀
it's alright i guess. the words on my lips say just enough to be perfect. my eyes are kind enough to hide myself from the world. i want to be a plastic cage filled with metal and wires and blood of fire and acid. to have a face that i wear, in a body that i wear, in a consciousness i do not have. i will rip open my skin to find that i am in fact not human. it is simply my nature to be used and abused, to use and to abuse. when i finally show them my parts they can scream and jeer at me and i will be alone, but it will be the fault of my nature and not of the lips on my words and the arms on my hands like it is now.

i want to feel the rough hand of life. in my arms, across my chest and into the eye sockets. i want it to dig into my flesh and tear me apart. stab its tongue through my heart and allow me to burn. i want to be tormented on the body. the moonlight alone cannot illuminate my tears, thus, let the hand of the life that pulls me towards death by the collar, drag me into the sun. in this way the blood i shed shall not be overlooked. in this way i should no longer have to act.

in this way my inaction is a blessing. in this way i can be forgiven. in this way, my words are no longer water, but gold. in this way, when i walk i will be regarded a warrior. i will be beautiful when i am dismantled and mended into an unrecogniseable mass. i will be whole once again.

my arms and legs will no longer be a part of me, and i am finally free of my agency.

in other words user_stage wants to be a victim of some obvious suffering so people will forgive me for my shortcomings and it's not my fault anymore that i am the way that i am. user_stage also wants to kill himself and everyone in his stupid ib classes.

SEGMENT 2. speaking of ib classes what the FUCK is this friend group
we r not unpacking this anymore🙏

SEGMENT 3. DIVES ARE SO FUCKING DUMB IVE SUCKS (*streams them every day*)

no they do not have "vocal talent" because they can sing high notes. i can sing high notes and i'm a tenor screamer. if they're so "vocal queens" TELL ME WHY ALL THEIR CHOREOS ARE JUST THEM WAVING THEIR ARMS AROUND AND STEPPING 2 THE SIDE.

also they are surprisingly and uncomfortably out of tune sometimes when singing live.

their music production also sucks their team doesnt know how 2 make beats without using synths. i get its just their 'sound' or whatever but their only 'sound' is electric synths and a muted cinematic drum.

I MEANNNNN in some of their solos the production can be SOO SEXY like lesseo's super icy the sampling at the start HOLY SHIT!! so close to a fire beat and.. then the most bland chorus hits you and it sounds EXACTLY like the verse and makes you question whether the people making this lied on their resume or straight up arent being paid to make these songs.

GAEUL AND REI'S SOLOS WERE SO SO LOVELY THOUGHGHG. the default kids cheering sfx in reis was um. you could say it was like the vineboom they included 6 hrs into silent hill f

im done im so tired from writing this esp segment 2. i feel kinda bad now. i also hate apologising but it might end up being inevitable sorry dude i mean you probably

user_stage has logged THE FUCK off

.......................................................................................

[03 - 16]

FUCKKKKKKKKKKK
THIS SHIT SUCKS THIS SHIT SUCKS THIS SHIT SUCKS THIS SHIT SUCKS THIS SHIT SUCKS IM GONNA ATTEMPT IM GONNA ATTEMPT IM GONNA FUCKING DO IT

I CANT FUCKING DO ANYTHING IM GONNA KILL EVERYONE AND HANG THEM UP ON THE GATE AS A PRIZE. PEOPLE DONT FUCKING KNOW HOW TO MANAGE THEIR BEAUTY ANYMORE SO IM GONNA FUCKING CLEANSE THEM FOR THEM

03. ×1

— 2026

[08 - 30]

ppl need 2 stop micharacterising cassie actually. also tw // eds. even the skins show itself didnt make her ALL about her ed. her ed wasnt even about looking pretty.

"i didnt eat for three days so i could be lovely" was never about looking lovely, it was about being loveable.

cassie was raised by negligent parents. coupled with her ocd she developed the ed as a way to gain attention. attention that she perceived as "love".

"i stop eating until they take me to the hospital"

this surface level understanding love is also very physical and sexual - i mean her parents were always fucking instead of caring for her. which is why she eventually devolves into "mindless sex" later on in her search for love and appreciation.

her ocd complicates her relationship with food, as she has a desire to simply organise the food rather than actually eat it: "oh no you mustn't eat it, just arrange it." exemplifying her tendency to separate food from herself

to which im essentially trying 2 say that the first quote means "i didnt eat for three days so you could love me"

cassie is also in no way ABOUT her ed. skins is a very humanist show. cassies character portrayal does not take the anti-ed stance, or any stance at all. why else wld there be a scene in skins teaching everyone watching how 2 avoid eating, while still depicting cassies desperate struggle with her disorder?? plus, if any of u folks actually WATCHED the show, ud know that the main focus of cassie's character was her relationship with love and the different ways she copes with those around her.

ABSOLUTELY no appreciation for her character depth beyond the factors that limit her and deepen her life struggles. way2go edblr👍

anyway srry rant over time to cry about international binternational

09.

[08 - 30]

i cant believe ive become a performative sh-er LMFOAOAA

gen wondering what me 4 years ago would think if i told them they came up with a slur for robots

.......................................................................................

[08 - 23]

being in public is so scary. thank god society isnt real

.......................................................................................

[08 - 17]

its not fucking fair. why cant i be like him whats wrong with me why does he get to be so perfect and i dont

hes so fucking nice i feel bad for hating him but hes the coolest fucking person ive ever met and hes so fucking funny i love him to death its not fair its not fair why am i the only one thats like thiswhy wont they just let me be a normal, real boy

i have dreams about ripping him apart.

.......................................................................................

[08 - 14]

holy shit

kinda crazy how much dopamine one little red circle can give me

.......................................................................................

[08 - 11]

WOAHJJHH GAHGAHA GUES WHOO RELAPSED!!!!!!! MEEEEE!!! :3 life is so silly

i REALLY need 2 finish my spacehey profile its literally appalling rn but they wont let me have a break man. four olympiads in one week and i cant even rest after that ts is a scam

also if ms brown didnt spend half her time telling me not to do ANY sciences EVER then maybe we'd have happy people doing the ib. potentially. allegedly.

.......................................................................................

[08 - 05]

nirvana fucking sucks i hate nirvana ew nirvana why would i ever like nirvana they dont even make good music

The Voices.

.......................................................................................

[08 - 02]

and so i begin. i learn to talk without my eyes, i learn to walk without my arms. i learn to sing without my mind. i hope am free, and i hope i am happy.

i begin to hope that the grass outside the station is home, until it is late and the sun is gone and all i have left are blinding lamps and a clattering phone call. i dont like to depart alone, it makes me feel cold. so i seek out more even after i leave, and then i forget how much is too much and the spark is gone and all i am left with is shadows and an empty message box.

i like to tell people to stop until i miss the act of their doing. i may never learn to love what i have. doctor, should i stay silent in my resentment?
i like to tell people everything until they tell me to stop. i may never learn what is too much. doctor, should i stay silent in my desires?
i like to consume until i have nothing left to give. why should i give it to you?

last week i bought a writing board. fresh and white from the store beneath the midtown centre down the stairs around the corner. i had friends then. although they were greater their own friends than mine. i wasnt planning on buying that writing board, i had other plans in mind. i already had one, clear and pink. but i got it anyway.

now it sits on my table, troubled by the scars left behind from when i dropped it the second i got home. my mother wasnt happy about me, and i suddenly wished i were my friends' friends and they were me so i could escape
it doesnt matter anymore. i now have myself a writing board, fresh and white from the store beneath the midtown centre down the stairs and around the corner.

and i havent been back since.

i sometimes wonder how i accidentally let myself become like this. but i dont know what 'this' is, yet i feel concern despite having done no wrong. perhaps in my mind inferiority is a sin and i have not ever been wrong but there are merely others more right than me. it seems that may simply have to be the case.

and i have been beginning. learning to live with the ground, learning to accept my flesh and forgetting. i dont think i am free yet, but alas, i am happy.

-note" some of the shit in here is mega embarassing pls disregard everything after the 9th of june (inclusive, excl this post onwards. i hope). i am not deleting it because i am scared to appear weak. yes i am very chalant.

08.

[07 - 29]

its never me. why is it never me its never mw its nevwr me its not fair why isnt it me why cant it be me why isnt it me its not fair i want it too i need it why isnt it me why is it never me please why cant it just be me for once why isnt it me why is it not me i dont know what i did wronh please im sorry just let it be me please ill do anytuing why cant it be me i know i dont deserve anything but i need it so badly please let it be me why cant it be me its never me its never me its never me its never me

god i hate being in love

.......................................................................................

[07 - 02]

2<13:17-15:17
how lucky to be living in the middle

.......................................................................................

[07 - 01]

1<desc
your quest for truth has granted you a void in your stomach, and now i shall punish you for it

07.

[06 - 22]

EVERYTHING IS ALL FUCKING MESSED UP AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT AND I HAVE TO HATE YOU OTHERWISE I'D HATE MYSELF AND I CAN'T KEEP DOING THAT ANYMORE.

.......................................................................................

[06 - 20]

and when i think about it, there really is no one left. i will never find a cure if there is no one left to heal

.......................................................................................

[06 - 17]

socialising was a mistake. my friends voices joining me in my head along with jorking johnson, karen and bart. cant believe hes been nothing but awesome and helpful and now bart is weaponising him.

i sound incredibly incomprehensible. karen is the one that tells me to do stupid shit like walk off a cliff, jorking johnson is the one who tells me everyone hates me. they the ogs kinda like them icl. bart is the new relapse monster i think idk he may also be trauma coping mechanism. idk but hes using my friends voice to justify his stuff its great had to rename him from alex bc he was just too digestable with that name. doesnt work either wya though

im like really pathetic holy smokes

.......................................................................................

[06 - 16]

tw // sh started |||||| again lowk. muji box cutter eats hard, i wouldnt get any ideas they keep them behind the counter for a reason. had 2 get a friend to ask for it for me bc im such a wuss lol. i hope they dont read this and find out. the blood's worth it though

not a fan of the skl banning our phones and blocking rentry pin and dc. not 2 mention reddit too where am i gonna get my really specific answers 2 my obscure questions from now?? cldnt even start it while we actually had classes

i dont like this timeline

.......................................................................................

[06 - 10]

misheard. but it is that for all that i see.

i am bare in the line between answers and i am whole in the space below. angels dance in the skies above and strangers face me below. faces lean so close to me i feel their eyes bulge. a blood sears through the iris and a light finesses the pupil.

for what left is benevolent, i do not scrape the eye from the socket to make it mine. and that alone makes me complete.

.......................................................................................

[06 - 09]

we really are the same. post of shame icl.

i am not who i say i am. because i do not know who i am

my body aches, i have never felt so endeared. i love to be with you. i can't wait to see you tomorrow

.......................................................................................

[06 - 08]

keep your eyes closed. stand up. hold the water. walk straight. and when you're done. put the water down and wash away.

src

.......................................................................................

[06 - 07]

separation

.......................................................................................

[06 - 05]

in a way, it is all i have ever known. in a way i find it beautiful, the irony of the desire to be not alive. be that i were the sea yet i dread the flow of water from the river mouth. i am not in my own body. i must preserve her

06.

[05 - 31]

i cant throat it down. my stomach cries with the food i cant keep down. i cant breathe. i feel a fissure open in my body and i trip into the sewer of dread. i feel a severance, a block from my instrument, because it is outside. and there is a message coming from my mind saying go back home.
the infection of fear clouds my judgement, and suddenly i cannot see.

and when i come to, there is nothing left

.......................................................................................

[05 - 30]

a division you deserved. take a boat out to the unknown sea and you expect the waves to clear for the blood you pour into the water. are you dragging another body of water with you? paint him with the face of a cracked past, distraught when your claw presses him away. there is a lack of obligation from the seas to you, and yet you pour your blood, pretend a comfort in the sand and expect the waves to lap around your legs and kiss your feet.
yes this is about you
and i who you so claimed to have loved. struck a flame to a fuel you dreamed of yourself. your admiration for a being attached to my own has only ever dehumanised me. i am no god, and i have no perfection. i feel your waving of the flame in the burns you have left in my skin.

and then you dare to feel the earth has revolted from you

.......................................................................................

[05 - 29]

the profoundness of my eyes and ears. where they have taught me to notice, to observe, understand and where i have learnt the thoughts of others through the screen that is my vision, they have failed to teach me how to act. i do not ever conduct myself besides the sly smile i face myself with. and then the night is day and it has all faded away

.......................................................................................

[05 - 27]

i would not give my life to be of much grace, but i will still much like to live to see the end of another era.

i am a constant. i may not take much consideration, but i am a constant. i do not change. i will not change. i am a constant.

.......................................................................................

[05 - 24]

beneath the core is the hide. the statement beyond the draped veil. cloth begs on mine arms which i cannot lift. in a manner in which i would not perceive i disassemble onto the ground beneath my feet. this court of reparations in which i lie, i am sealed by its command. and i am afraid there are some things that i cannot maintain to myself, but i have nobody to tell. i simply must use my head.

yet there is something morbidly wrong with my head. there are many parts of me that are not fitted together, and those who can perceive me will not ever show the gaps to me. i cannot see far, and the rain shaves the ports of my hands from the world and i fear i am not very smart in that regard. i wish that everybody would speak to me and i would not have to speak in return. i want to be desired in eternal ease. some days, especially on days like these, i feel tortured by my writing - i only write the same words once over each evening. i write begging to be read and yet so few read. i pretend to carry such profoundness yet my words are not worth anything to those who will respond. it is as if my mind is a body and my body is a mind and i do not have a gateway to either. i am built on a shelf of selfishness.

in many ways i am tempted to singularise the blame. every thing i fear comes back to him. and for the life of me i cannot fix it. i simply do not know how. i do not know how i got here and i do not know how to leave. the thought of him empties my mind and i have nothing left save for the heaviness in my eyes. i cry backwards and spew out the tears through my skin. and then i walk up to him and pretend that it is all fine and i have not ever wanted to strangle anyone he has ever spoken to, and then myself when he did not speak to me. i hate him in the same way i love him, that is, that i cannot escape him. he is like a being without which i cannot feel alive. to this i fear that his humanity to me is lost and i will continue to break in many ways or more. in saying this i fear that i will not be understood. i do not understand why my words are not clear and i do not know what i am nor how to become human

if to err is to be human, i must be more than human. so i must have thought i was a god

.......................................................................................

[05 - 23]

no words are profound enough for the beauty of the dread that we feel when the sun of the end is rising

the heavenly gardener tends to his garden of benign weeds. "mine is a craft of grand greatness and the meticulous art of beauty."
he tends to with the heavenly singer who cares to her song of screams. "mine is an art of pure innocence, a soft gift to the day" and they accompany each other in the passing of time.
as the heavenly singer sings, the heavenly gardener tends to his garden of benign weeds.

and i hope he fucking loses everything

.......................................................................................

[05 - 22]

i am only allowed to walk on the sun. walking faces berate their shadows without a moment of hesitation, while their neighbour stands enshrined in the gifted light of their own nature. but to the foreign eye we are all shadows, and i wish to bury myself in the dark

i have never been hurt yet i reach for pain. i have not felt cold but i cover myself in layers and layers upon layers of layers of nothing and everything all at once. i would rather be little pieces of powder on the street blown away by the slightest breeze. but i would rather lay my heart down beside his and remember what it is to be alive.
i would rather my eyes than my feet burn and the shadows they wield grasp my soul. i do not care if my suffering is inconspicuous. in the end i still have my head

but i am only allowed to walk on the sun

so i stare into the darkness, and one day it will take me whole

.......................................................................................

[05 - 18]

あぁ人生ご破算
it feels so good in the twisted city, masking abnormality. pure silver running through my veins and i breathe out blood. a rose-tinted mirage. i begin to feel my feet dip into the cold rain and i am not wearing legs
it feels so good to be in mutilated society. i cure my illness with my fingernails, they make me cry out of my ears. for once when i am deaf to the silence, i begin to laugh

my ornaments feel so light, i could fly beyond the sky. my limbs feel like feathers, as if i were a bird. but my chest is filled with lead chips. i feel so incredibly alive

it feels so good in the twisted city.
to speak with my own teeth

.......................................................................................

[05 - 13]

TI-nspire CX Ⅱ. 12 hour charging time. interactive mousepad. full colour display. it can sometimes be severely misguided about its own state of being. it likes to stand out from itself; refrain from any attempts to feed it seeds.

.......................................................................................

[05 - 11]

i dont feel alive. i feel disembodied

.......................................................................................

[05 - 10]

why is everything so loud

.......................................................................................

[05 - 09]

we all make each other. a blacksmith can say he doesn't know how to paint the parts of a doll's face, doesn't mean he won't. it won't be pretty but it'll come out all right. pretty dolls will lie to each other to make other dolls that look just the same. the dollmakers make the pretty dolls, but they only get sold in the end. we all make each other and we all deny it.

.......................................................................................

[05 - 07]

reservation. they will wait for you to climb into the pit before they warn you it will kill you. a mile down, it will bore you open to try and feel their legs. tethered by the silence.

.......................................................................................

[05 - 01]

2 grams of lutetium trichloride heated to the point of combustion. the object travels in the direction of the sun at 20 metres every second to the right. why do we fawn the owed injury

does the vision of blood on the skin remind you of reality? there are parts inside of you. i want to see them, i don't believe they are worthy of you. let me replace them. i can be better than your blood.

05.

[04 - 30]

you feel it in your ankles, the tightness around your eyes. the water flesh and burns, but only because it was once so dry. there is nothing in your head; you cannot think. a thousand kindred elders reach for your mind, claw at the faint echoes of life. its futility cracks and there is little or none.

no chance of passing.

.......................................................................................

[04 - 29]

6:41 pm, i flatten a bug with a note from my mom


i used to sit around, play games on the console

now, i only
pretend i do

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[04 - 28]

where can i lay? i am held fervently down by his eyes of gold. it is with every part of my body that i reach for him as he stands in the tangled vines. i want to become one with him.
the monster sits on a perch with her legs crossed; she has cobblestone for eyes. she smiles at him. what haven't i done? he smiles back at her. am i not the right kind of perfect? i want to rip her throat out.

when he turns back his face is ash. he is not who he once was. his arms are now laced with thorns, where the vines only once pooled at his feet. i am still tied to his now hollow eyes - i have spent too long reaching. i am in love with the hope that he will return. I Am In Love With Someone Who Is Not There.
i want to tear his throat out and crawl inside so that i can control him. i do not want to be a separate being. and where is the monster now?

the monster is a beacon of destruction. i want to rip her throat out.

i want to rip her throat out.

i want to rip her throat out.

.......................................................................................

[04 - 27]

11:11 am sunday april 27th.
he has left for the wasteland. we do not know if he will return, the wind is harsh in the city. the prospective of reunion is unlikely in a manner such that the perpetrator herself breathes out a sigh. there are no words to be shared between us, the consolation of fate is not new. it is possible to believe that the exterior life is better for such small instances, but despite the many farewells we have whispered to each other on his behalf, we do not know the result. we can only stand on the edge to call feebly and imagine in our dreams his feathered wings once again.

the interior is layered with the scales of man. even for us, it is all the same. it is hard to hope that it would be any different for something so small. there are traces of the body, a whisp in the air and below. i can still hear him calling. i know that it is him. i do not know where he is.

.......................................................................................

[04 - 11]

dillon lee is so cool hes so prettyy my favourite aura farmer ○( ^皿^)っ Hehehe…
starting 2 have dreams about drumming/ its a sign.

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[04 - 10]

it shouldnt be this hard. to just . forget about it? i havent forgotten that in what seems like forever and its starting to feel like ive always remembered but god would it be great to forget. i dont know how to do that anymore. i dont know what that's like.. to not think about it. anymore.. i should do what they all do

.......................................................................................

[04 - 09]

the fuck was i going on about last week LMFAOO. anyways. falling back down the julie rabbit hole. absolutely fire place to be nothing matters anymore all i do is imagine

.......................................................................................

[04 - 04]

im not really all that messed up. am i?

.......................................................................................

[04 - 03]

hey i cant keep it together anymore why dont you just take me and ruin me

.......................................................................................

[04 - 02]

can the voices please shut up. "everyone hates you" "nothing you say is worth anything" "youre a hypocrite" okay karen have you filed your taxes yet why dont you go divorce your husband for me i have work to do

04.

[03 - 31]

CHAT MY CAS JUST CHARGED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A MONTH!! ITS LITERALLY BEEN FUCKING BROKEN SINCE FEBRUARY AND ITS FINALLY WORKING AND I DONT EVEN NEED IT ANYMORE GRR

.......................................................................................

[03 - 30]

i js accidentally whacked the wall and it took out like 3 layers of paint. is this symbolic?

.......................................................................................

[03 - 16]

got back into honkass shit rail again i cant believe this i have a paper 1 to write and im here walking around in the xianzhou luofou begging for stellar jades

.......................................................................................

[03 - 13]

what the fuck is wrong w me bro. every time i get ignored for more than twenty minutes i start crashing out and hating myself put me in a cage ㅤLMFAOOO

.......................................................................................

[03 - 10] 02月十一

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!! CORPORATIONS DONT DESERVE YOU. CHARITIES WONT SUPPORT YOU. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO?

i dont even know why im doing this man can they give me a meaning to all this that isnt just "life is so precious and short so you have to make the most of it" bitch i've been dead for the past 13.8 billion years of my life and i havent been inconvenienced in the slightest and i will be dead for most of the rest of it why cant i just be!!! all this shit about living your best life and succeeding "live with discomfort in the moment for success in the future" build up an empire for what? it doesn't exist if i don't, nothing does. idc idc let me think what i think fuckers

.......................................................................................

[03 - 08] 02月初九

i can't stop thinking about them. i would jsut like to observe their being and their doings. i would just like to see. js wanna look and sometimes i would also like to participate. in their doings. lipbite uhuh yeah yuh
THIS IS A /JOKE THIS IS A FUNNY INSIDE JOKE THAT WE #MADE UP THIS HAS NO REAL LIFE CORRELATIONS

.......................................................................................

[03 - 06] 02月初七

what am i actually doing lmao like can i go for a day without ruining something

.......................................................................................

[03 - 05] 02月初六

sabrina carpenter is actually ruining my tough guy act </3 when they fw sabrina carpenter :3 . shes so fine meoww

03.

[02 - 20] 正月廿三

ruh roh someone is cooked.

three tests in a day tomorrow !! theyre all assessed to ib y2 standard and we're barely even halfway through y1. basically im gonna fail 💔

i will explode

.......................................................................................

[02 - 12] 正月十五
I am so normal. I am the most normal person I know. I wake up at a normal time. I sleep at a normal time. I have a normal relationship with food. I like eating in the morning. I like consuming food at regular normal times. I like drinking normal amounts of water and normal amounts of soft drinks. I feel happy and refreshed in the morning. I am interested in normal fashion, I dress like a normal human. I am a normal Height and Weight. I have a normal body type. I enjoy normal hobbies like sport, happiness and video games. I am neurotypical. I do not have any disorders. I have a normal amount of friends. I have a normal relationship with my friends. I am heterosexual. I am cisgender. I have normal feelings towards my friends. I am not attracted to anyone who is not a man. I have a normal relationship with men and I do not fear of them. I do not experience mental torment, and I have a normal relationship with my thoughts. I do not have voices in my head. I am a normal person.

.......................................................................................

[02 - 04] 正月初七

its my birthday. the angel of death is yet to greet me. i am still in utero. is it all worth it? i am going to grow whiskers

.......................................................................................

[02 - 02] 正月初五

i was born in two days. wish me luck.

htey can't keep making me do homeowkr i will transform into a mega beast and die.

02.

.......................................................................................

[01 - 24] 正月廿五

bsd is making me want to make out with a nikolai cosplayer

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[01 - 16] 12月十七

I am God. I am undefeatable. I am all-knowing and all-powerful. I am not all-loving, for that is a mere sentiment of solace humanity has mustered to blind themselves from my true nature.

Humans disgust me. I, their creator, give them life, yet they complain that it is not worth living. I refuse to believe such contemptible beings came of my creation. No, that is not so. It cannot be so. Something, rather, someone, has tampered with their minds, and thus, their nature.

Kindness? Sacrifice? What foul lies! They whisper these contorted ideas into each other's hearts, and what good has it brought them? There is anger to repay anger, there is anger to repay kindness. But if kindness repays anger, who repays kindness? They assume every other one of their kind has the same nature as them. There is no repayment for kindness. Instead, they lie to themselves, saying "if you help somebody, your body will release hormones that make you feel happy!" What nonsense. Yet, I look away for barely a second, and someone has tampered with my precious system.

What is it that makes one alive? Is it consciousness? Does one being aware that one has lived, make it truly so? Or is it your thoughts? Does the mere act of doubting one's existence justify existence itself - you think, therefore you are? No, none of that is the case.

In fact, there is no case, the very reason you, yourself, and everyone you have never known or seen with your very own eyes, are alive, is because of me. There is no other answer. No amount of thinking will get you anywhere - I made you all. Curse me for your misfortunes, question me for the answers of the heavens. I will not answer. I do not love you.

this is a /jOKE it is NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE!!!!!!!!!!

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[01 - 14] 12月十五

i finished reading 1984 td. i am not well. reading through 40 pages straight of blair yapping about the political function of the world of 1984 was already the last straw. and then the ending??? i did not believe my eyes when i read the phrase he loved big brother

its like no you dont what are you talking about stop that

anyone. please. console me. i am not well. i am not well iam not well i am not well i am not well i am not well i am not well. ia mno

01.

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Pub: 08 Apr 2022 01:56 UTC

Edit: 28 Apr 2026 14:10 UTC

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