vanni's diary!
desultory project. tws | direct.
start date [❛yy - mm - dd] : ❛ 24 - 12 - 30
skip to month (scroll up) : [25 - 01] [25 - 02] [25 - 03]
[25 - 04] [25 - 05] [25 - 06]
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[06 - 09]
we really are the same. post of shame icl.
i am not who i say i am. because i do not know who i am
my body aches, i have never felt so endeared. i love to be with you. i can't wait to see you tomorrow
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[06 - 08]
keep your eyes closed. stand up. hold the water. walk straight. and when you're done. put the water down and wash away.
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[06 - 07]
separation
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[06 - 05]
in a way, it is all i have ever known. in a way i find it beautiful, the irony of the desire to be not alive. be that i were the sea yet i dread the flow of water from the river mouth. i am not in my own body. i must preserve her
06.
[05 - 31]
i cant throat it down. my stomach cries with the food i cant keep down. i cant breathe. i feel a fissure open in my body and i trip into the sewer of dread. i feel a severance, a block from my instrument, because it is outside. and there is a message coming from my mind saying go back home.
the infection of fear clouds my judgement, and suddenly i cannot see.
and when i come to, there is nothing left
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[05 - 30]
a division you deserved. take a boat out to the unknown sea and you expect the waves to clear for the blood you pour into the water. are you dragging another body of water with you? paint him with the face of a cracked past, distraught when your claw presses him away. there is a lack of obligation from the seas to you, and yet you pour your blood, pretend a comfort in the sand and expect the waves to lap around your legs and kiss your feet.
yes this is about you
and i who you so claimed to have loved. struck a flame to a fuel you dreamed of yourself. your admiration for a being attached to my own has only ever dehumanised me. i am no god, and i have no perfection. i feel your waving of the flame in the burns you have left in my skin.
and then you dare to feel the earth has revolted from you
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[05 - 29]
the profoundness of my eyes and ears. where they have taught me to notice, to observe, understand and where i have learnt the thoughts of others through the screen that is my vision, they have failed to teach me how to act. i do not ever conduct myself besides the sly smile i face myself with. and then the night is day and it has all faded away
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[05 - 27]
i would not give my life to be of much grace, but i will still much like to live to see the end of another era.
i am a constant. i may not take much consideration, but i am a constant. i do not change. i will not change. i am a constant.
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[05 - 24]
beneath the core is the hide. the statement beyond the draped veil. cloth begs on mine arms which i cannot lift. in a manner in which i would not perceive i disassemble onto the ground beneath my feet. this court of reparations in which i lie, i am sealed by its command. and i am afraid there are some things that i cannot maintain to myself, but i have nobody to tell. i simply must use my head.
yet there is something morbidly wrong with my head. there are many parts of me that are not fitted together, and those who can perceive me will not ever show the gaps to me. i cannot see far, and the rain shaves the ports of my hands from the world and i fear i am not very smart in that regard. i wish that everybody would speak to me and i would not have to speak in return. i want to be desired in eternal ease. some days, especially on days like these, i feel tortured by my writing - i only write the same words once over each evening. i write begging to be read and yet so few read. i pretend to carry such profoundness yet my words are not worth anything to those who will respond. it is as if my mind is a body and my body is a mind and i do not have a gateway to either. i am built on a shelf of selfishness.
in many ways i am tempted to singularise the blame. every thing i fear comes back to him. and for the life of me i cannot fix it. i simply do not know how. i do not know how i got here and i do not know how to leave. the thought of him empties my mind and i have nothing left save for the heaviness in my eyes. i cry backwards and spew out the tears through my skin. and then i walk up to him and pretend that it is all fine and i have not ever wanted to strangle anyone he has ever spoken to, and then myself when he did not speak to me. i hate him in the same way i love him, that is, that i cannot escape him. he is like a being without which i cannot feel alive. to this i fear that his humanity to me is lost and i will continue to break in many ways or more. in saying this i fear that i will not be understood. i do not understand why my words are not clear and i do not know what i am nor how to become human
if to err is to be human, i must be more than human. so i must have thought i was a god
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[05 - 23]
no words are profound enough for the beauty of the dread that we feel when the sun of the end is rising
the heavenly gardener tends to his garden of benign weeds. "mine is a craft of grand greatness and the meticulous art of beauty."
he tends to with the heavenly singer who cares to her song of screams. "mine is an art of pure innocence, a soft gift to the day" and they accompany each other in the passing of time.
as the heavenly singer sings, the heavenly gardener tends to his garden of benign weeds.
and i hope he fucking loses everything
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[05 - 22]
i am only allowed to walk on the sun. walking faces berate their shadows without a moment of hesitation, while their neighbour stands enshrined in the gifted light of their own nature. but to the foreign eye we are all shadows, and i wish to bury myself in the dark
i have never been hurt yet i reach for pain. i have not felt cold but i cover myself in layers and layers upon layers of layers of nothing and everything all at once. i would rather be little pieces of powder on the street blown away by the slightest breeze. but i would rather lay my heart down beside his and remember what it is to be alive.
i would rather my eyes than my feet burn and the shadows they wield grasp my soul. i do not care if my suffering is inconspicuous. in the end i still have my head
but i am only allowed to walk on the sun
so i stare into the darkness, and one day it will take me whole
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[05 - 18]
あぁ人生ご破算。
it feels so good in the twisted city, masking abnormality. pure silver running through my veins and i breathe out blood. a rose-tinted mirage. i begin to feel my feet dip into the cold rain and i am not wearing legs
it feels so good to be in mutilated society. i cure my illness with my fingernails, they make me cry out of my ears. for once when i am deaf to the silence, i begin to laugh
my ornaments feel so light, i could fly beyond the sky. my limbs feel like feathers, as if i were a bird. but my chest is filled with lead chips. i feel so incredibly alive
it feels so good in the twisted city.
to speak with my own teeth
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[05 - 13]
TI-nspire CX Ⅱ. 12 hour charging time. interactive mousepad. full colour display. it can sometimes be severely misguided about its own state of being. it likes to stand out from itself; refrain from any attempts to feed it seeds.
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[05 - 11]
i dont feel alive. i feel disembodied
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[05 - 10]
why is everything so loud
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[05 - 09]
we all make each other. a blacksmith can say he doesn't know how to paint the parts of a doll's face, doesn't mean he won't. it won't be pretty but it'll come out all right. pretty dolls will lie to each other to make other dolls that look just the same. the dollmakers make the pretty dolls, but they only get sold in the end. we all make each other and we all deny it.
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[05 - 07]
reservation. they will wait for you to climb into the pit before they warn you it will kill you. a mile down, it will bore you open to try and feel their legs. tethered by the silence.
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[05 - 01]
2 grams of lutetium trichloride heated to the point of combustion. the object travels in the direction of the sun at 20 metres every second to the right. why do we fawn the owed injury
does the vision of blood on the skin remind you of reality? there are parts inside of you. i want to see them, i don't believe they are worthy of you. let me replace them. i can be better than your blood.
05.
[04 - 30]
you feel it in your ankles, the tightness around your eyes. the water flesh and burns, but only because it was once so dry. there is nothing in your head; you cannot think. a thousand kindred elders reach for your mind, claw at the faint echoes of life. its futility cracks and there is little or none.
no chance of passing.
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[04 - 29]
6:41 pm, i flatten a bug with a note from my mom
i used to sit around, play games on the console
now, i only
pretend i do
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[04 - 28]
where can i lay? i am held fervently down by his eyes of gold. it is with every part of my body that i reach for him as he stands in the tangled vines. i want to become one with him.
the monster sits on a perch with her legs crossed; she has cobblestone for eyes. she smiles at him. what haven't i done? he smiles back at her. am i not the right kind of perfect? i want to rip her throat out.
when he turns back his face is ash. he is not who he once was. his arms are now laced with thorns, where the vines only once pooled at his feet. i am still tied to his now hollow eyes - i have spent too long reaching. i am in love with the hope that he will return. I Am In Love With Someone Who Is Not There.
i want to tear his throat out and crawl inside so that i can control him. i do not want to be a separate being. and where is the monster now?
the monster is a beacon of destruction. i want to rip her throat out.
i want to rip her throat out.
i want to rip her throat out.
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[04 - 27]
11:11 am sunday april 27th.
he has left for the wasteland. we do not know if he will return, the wind is harsh in the city. the prospective of reunion is unlikely in a manner such that the perpetrator herself breathes out a sigh. there are no words to be shared between us, the consolation of fate is not new. it is possible to believe that the exterior life is better for such small instances, but despite the many farewells we have whispered to each other on his behalf, we do not know the result. we can only stand on the edge to call feebly and imagine in our dreams his feathered wings once again.
the interior is layered with the scales of man. even for us, it is all the same. it is hard to hope that it would be any different for something so small. there are traces of the body, a whisp in the air and below. i can still hear him calling. i know that it is him. i do not know where he is.
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[04 - 11]
dillon lee is so cool hes so prettyy my favourite aura farmer ○( ^皿^)っ Hehehe…
starting 2 have dreams about drumming/ its a sign.
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[04 - 10]
it shouldnt be this hard. to just . forget about it? i havent forgotten that in what seems like forever and its starting to feel like ive always remembered but god would it be great to forget. i dont know how to do that anymore. i dont know what that's like.. to not think about it. anymore.. i should do what they all do
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[04 - 09]
the fuck was i going on about last week LMFAOO. anyways. falling back down the julie rabbit hole. absolutely fire place to be nothing matters anymore all i do is imagine
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[04 - 04]
im not really all that messed up. am i?
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[04 - 03]
hey i cant keep it together anymore why dont you just take me and ruin me
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[04 - 02]
can the voices please shut up. "everyone hates you" "nothing you say is worth anything" "youre a hypocrite" okay karen have you filed your taxes yet why dont you go divorce your husband for me i have work to do
04.
[03 - 31]
CHAT MY CAS JUST CHARGED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A MONTH!! ITS LITERALLY BEEN FUCKING BROKEN SINCE FEBRUARY AND ITS FINALLY WORKING AND I DONT EVEN NEED IT ANYMORE GRR
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[03 - 30]
i js accidentally whacked the wall and it took out like 3 layers of paint. is this symbolic?
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[03 - 16]
got back into honkass shit rail again i cant believe this i have a paper 1 to write and im here walking around in the xianzhou luofou begging for stellar jades
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[03 - 13]
what the fuck is wrong w me bro. every time i get ignored for more than twenty minutes i start crashing out and hating myself put me in a cage ㅤLMFAOOO
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[03 - 10] 02月十一
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!! CORPORATIONS DONT DESERVE YOU. CHARITIES WONT SUPPORT YOU. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO?
i dont even know why im doing this man can they give me a meaning to all this that isnt just "life is so precious and short so you have to make the most of it" bitch i've been dead for the past 13.8 billion years of my life and i havent been inconvenienced in the slightest and i will be dead for most of the rest of it why cant i just be!!! all this shit about living your best life and succeeding "live with discomfort in the moment for success in the future" build up an empire for what? it doesn't exist if i don't, nothing does. idc idc let me think what i think fuckers
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[03 - 08] 02月初九
i can't stop thinking about them. i would jsut like to observe their being and their doings. i would just like to see. js wanna look and sometimes i would also like to participate. in their doings. lipbite uhuh yeah yuh
THIS IS A /JOKE THIS IS A FUNNY INSIDE JOKE THAT WE #MADE UP THIS HAS NO REAL LIFE CORRELATIONS
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[03 - 06] 02月初七
what am i actually doing lmao like can i go for a day without ruining something
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[03 - 05] 02月初六
sabrina carpenter is actually ruining my tough guy act </3 when they fw sabrina carpenter :3 . shes so fine meoww
03.
[02 - 20] 正月廿三
ruh roh someone is cooked.
three tests in a day tomorrow !! theyre all assessed to ib y2 standard and we're barely even halfway through y1. basically im gonna fail 💔
i will explode
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[02 - 12] 正月十五
I am so normal. I am the most normal person I know. I wake up at a normal time. I sleep at a normal time. I have a normal relationship with food. I like eating in the morning. I like consuming food at regular normal times. I like drinking normal amounts of water and normal amounts of soft drinks. I feel happy and refreshed in the morning. I am interested in normal fashion, I dress like a normal human. I am a normal Height and Weight. I have a normal body type. I enjoy normal hobbies like sport, happiness and video games. I am neurotypical. I do not have any disorders. I have a normal amount of friends. I have a normal relationship with my friends. I am heterosexual. I am cisgender. I have normal feelings towards my friends. I am not attracted to anyone who is not a man. I have a normal relationship with men and I do not fear of them. I do not experience mental torment, and I have a normal relationship with my thoughts. I do not have voices in my head. I am a normal person.
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[02 - 04] 正月初七
its my birthday. the angel of death is yet to greet me. i am still in utero. is it all worth it? i am going to grow whiskers
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[02 - 02] 正月初五
i was born in two days. wish me luck.
htey can't keep making me do homeowkr i will transform into a mega beast and die.
02.
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[01 - 24] 正月廿五
bsd is making me want to make out with a nikolai cosplayer
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[01 - 16] 12月十七
I am God. I am undefeatable. I am all-knowing and all-powerful. I am not all-loving, for that is a mere sentiment of solace humanity has mustered to blind themselves from my true nature.
Humans disgust me. I, their creator, give them life, yet they complain that it is not worth living. I refuse to believe such contemptible beings came of my creation. No, that is not so. It cannot be so. Something, rather, someone, has tampered with their minds, and thus, their nature.
Kindness? Sacrifice? What foul lies! They whisper these contorted ideas into each other's hearts, and what good has it brought them? There is anger to repay anger, there is anger to repay kindness. But if kindness repays anger, who repays kindness? They assume every other one of their kind has the same nature as them. There is no repayment for kindness. Instead, they lie to themselves, saying "if you help somebody, your body will release hormones that make you feel happy!" What nonsense. Yet, I look away for barely a second, and someone has tampered with my precious system.
What is it that makes one alive? Is it consciousness? Does one being aware that one has lived, make it truly so? Or is it your thoughts? Does the mere act of doubting one's existence justify existence itself - you think, therefore you are? No, none of that is the case.
In fact, there is no case, the very reason you, yourself, and everyone you have never known or seen with your very own eyes, are alive, is because of me. There is no other answer. No amount of thinking will get you anywhere - I made you all. Curse me for your misfortunes, question me for the answers of the heavens. I will not answer. I do not love you.
this is a /jOKE it is NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE!!!!!!!!!!
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[01 - 14] 12月十五
i finished reading 1984 td. i am not well. reading through 40 pages straight of blair yapping about the political function of the world of 1984 was already the last straw. and then the ending??? i did not believe my eyes when i read the phrase he loved big brother
its like no you dont what are you talking about stop that
anyone. please. console me. i am not well. i am not well iam not well i am not well i am not well i am not well i am not well. ia mno