remaking the design later to be prettier

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I have not yet come to terms with myself, and perhaps my dilemmas will ever accompany me much like my shadow does. It's uncertain if I will find the answers I'm looking for, and if my decisions will be fully sincere. What is certain, at the very least, is that my strong emotional state - almost like a thunderstorm at the sea - originates from the venture's beginning, and will decrease the more I continue forward. Having been trained well by the Rose Seekers to overcome and endure plenty of dangerous Dreamsphere environments, it is embarrassing how now I procrastinate every move, not because of any physical discomfort, but more so a psychological unrest.

I can handily avoid a couple of maladroit robots in some ancient ruins transformed into a base, what really anchors me is my longing to return home and reconsider what I'm doing, a tug of war happens on my mind. Not much time has passed and I already miss my friends, who have joined my life by their decision as I'm not good at starting friendships; my acquaintances, who are usually patient with my clumsiness and mischief; my home, which is safe from the war and is comforting in all seasons; finally my daily activities and most of all, Adelaide, who understands me the most...

I know for sure my longing isn't time's doing, but rather the sheer realization of the lonesome struggles I will experience here, and to what they will build up to. At least at home, I exercise the possibilities and habits that make up who I am. If I were to return, I would be remembered for who I am as an individual. If I choose this path instead, I will not be remembered as an individual, but as an embodiment of the role I took, I will be remembered as Sleepwalker, and not as Nashatra. Before this isolation, even with training expeditions on the way, I was able to keep my regular life active. Now there's loneliness, and if I were to be dying in desolate regions, be it from a hazard, accident, or some hostility, there would be no services to call, no one to help, and I would just perish alone. Even during victories on this venture, where are my friends so I can tell them? It's a victory to be shared with no one, no place for a small dose of boasting.

Writing this down and then seeing my first note makes me feel stupid, truly, I said I should not look back and then I did the complete opposite. Maybe I should burn this note, I don't know...

-Nashatra Bealdhild, Humble Beginnings

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Pub: 26 Apr 2024 02:53 UTC
Edit: 13 Jul 2025 05:43 UTC
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