My experience with being an IRL/"DA"

TW for SH and dissociation

I'm going to be using myself from The Owl House for this since it's a popular media and a lot of people know it. For clarification, I'm Luz Noceda.

Things to note about IRLs BEFORE READING
• We do NOT claim to be the race!! We are aware of our current race in our current body. I'm bodily Wasian, but in media, I'm Afro-Dominican-American. I don't claim to be that race, because I know I'm not!!

• We do NOT claim to have any of the physical/mental challenges in media, unless we genuinely do think we have them and/or have been diagnosed with them. For example, I have ADHD both bodily and in media. The source for that information is here. However, if I had something like a panic disorder, I woul ONLY claim to have that IN MEDIA.

• Yes, it IS possible for some delusional people to recognise that they're in a delusion. Before you say "but that's the whole point!!," listen to me. I have spoken with multiple therapists and psychiatrists about it, and they've all said it IS possible-- BUT, even if they're aware, the belief is still so strong that reality checking them and giving them evidence isn't enough to shake off the delusion. Personally, I know that we're called "delusional attatchments," and I don't like that term. I do know that I'm not bodily Luz Noceda, but I DO know that I was, and I have been ripped from media in some way.

Pros (yes, PROS) of being an IRL!
My personality can be impacted by media!
This could also be a bad thing, and I'm definitely not disregarding that fact, However, more often than not, it's a positive thing. In media, I'm very kind, optimistic, and courageous. Before I watched The Owl House and knew I was Luz, I was still brave, but I was honestly pretty bitchy and very pessimistic. Now that I know how I was, I'm kinder and try to look on the brighter side of things!

It can encourage me to start new hobbies or pick up old ones!
Before I watched TOH, I used to be Pagan and regularly practice witchcraft. I eventually grew out of it because of lack of materials and bullying, but after watched The Owl House, I realised I still wanted to be a witch and I had a lot of fun building altars and growing herbs. I haven't converted back to Paganism, but I have picked up on witchcraft again! (I will not be mentioning my current religious beliefs.)

It can encourage me to learn new skills!
This is very similar to the last point. In media, I know Spanish and am ambidextrous (at least in my memories I am). I'm currently trying to teach myself Spanish and teaching myself how to write and draw with both hands. I'm also an IRL from multiple medias, and it really does help. A great example is that I'm Webby McDuck from the Ducktales 2017 reboot. In that media, I know a bunch of languages, such as Greek, Portuguese, Church Slavonic, and Futhark Runes! That's inspired me a lot and now I'm fluent in Elder Futhark and Younger Futhark runes, and I'm learning Church Slavic!!

It'll actually help me in life!
Okay, hear me out on this one. I'm tracing back to the other three for this one. I'm known as the weird artistic bookworm in school (I wonder where I've heard that before!) so I don't have a lot of friends. Acting kinder and more optimistic can help me make more friends! Knowing a bunch of languages can also help with communication and help me get into universities and get jobs. Granted, runes and Church Slavic are dead, but as said before, I'm learning other living languages!

Cons of being an IRL!

My personality can be impacted by media!
As said before, this can be both a positive and negative thing. In one of my medias (the one I'm most connected to), I'm very logical which isn't a bad thing. However, I also have black and white thinking. I also have that bodily and have had it for a while, but it's really hard for me to get better from it because I'm so connected to that media. Even with therapy, it's difficult.

Struggling with my identity!
This is an obvious one. I don't know who I am half the time, but I do also have a dissociative disorder, so it's not exclusive to me being an IRL. However, my psychosis still impacts it. In The Owl House, I'm a bisexual, GNC cisgender female. Yes, I am bisexual and I'm GNC, but I'm a trans male now. I sometimes still struggle with it. Like, am I really trans? I know I am because I'm so much happier as a male and I have trans things in my room (like a flag), but I sometimes still think I'm a female because of media or non-binary because of peoples headcanons. Hell, before I knew who I really was, I thought I was pansexual. When I think back on when I changed my label from pansexual to bisexual, I sometimes wonder if I did that just to match my media more.

Struggling with my appearance!

In that media I mentioned in the first point with the black and white thinking, I'm blond. I constantly forget I'm not blond, and even my online friends say it's strange because they associate me with that version of me. Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I have trouble figuring out who's looking back at me. I have an internal monologue. "Who is that? That's not what I look like. Is that really me?"
Here's another part of that, but trigger warning for self harm!! I will be spoiling it to not upset people. To continue reading this part, just hover over it. So. Scars and marks. In The Owl House, I'm sure you know that I have an eyebrow scar. I've tried giving myself that scar before because I genuinely didn't understand who I was when I looked in the mirror. This has only happened twice, but a much bigger example is from the other media I mentioned again, the one where I'm blond. I have a wave-like mark on my face, and since I'm so connected to that media, I've tried giving myself that scar multiple times and I've broken down in tears when it doesn't stick. HOWEVER!! I have gotten better, and I'm clean for over a year and a half, so I don't have these thoughts anymore!! If I'm really missing my media appearance, I usually just take a washable marker or something and draw on the marks.

Doubles and panic!

Oh boy. So, if you don't know, doubles are people who also believe that they're you. In systems and fictionkin, this is different. In systems, introjects are not their source, so you can't really have a double. In fictionkin, that's a spiritual belief where you were that character in an alternate universe, so you can't be from the same universe, so you aren't exact doubles (though I do understand why introjects and fictionkin can still be uncomfortable around people with the same source/media as them). Psychological fictionkin can have doubles, however, and that's about the closest it comes to the experience with IRLs having doubles. I'm tracing back to the media where I'm blond because, again, I'm VERY attached to that media. This is basically what happened when my friend invited a double to a server we were both in.
screenshot
That was NOT a fun week for me.

Conclusion!

IRLs ARE real and we ARE valid. We know who we are and reality checking us doesn't help. The only way we can go through this is with a licensed therapist, and I'm working with one right now. She's told me that identifying as characters isn't always a negative thing as long as it doesn't take over my life, if I don't overidentify, and if I can seperate my media self to who I am now.
this took me 110 minutes exactly to write so please dont disregard it lol

inspo by the aubergine to my tangerine (he forced me to call him that)

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Pub: 28 Jun 2024 05:17 UTC
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